I need advice

[John_J]

My Wife thinks I don’t love her, but I do. Very much! 6 months ago she discovered I was talking on the Internet with a few people (women) and has gone nuts at me.I will start by saying I do understand that this was wrong of me. Lots of people will say that she was right to go nuts. But as I tried to telling her. I was only talking to them. By this time I was feeling used and unloved by my wife.We have been married for 5 years. We were together for 6 years before we married. We have 2 children. The youngest is 7 and the eldest is 13. He is hers from a previous relationship. I love him and raise him as my own. I am his dad in my eyes and his and everyone’s.
I think the problem started when My job changed. I had to do shift work which ment there were times when I was not home in the nights, and I would be sleeping in the day. I appreciate that I didn’t give my wife lots of attention or the children for that matter. But I had to do the shift work to sort out financial problems at home. I told her at the beginning that it would be for only a year and then I would be able to do a regular day job. That year was a good year. We got the money sorted so we kept our home.. My wife got a job child minding. Our little girl was one. This gave my wife extra money, and she took the kids all over the place. She told me she was happy. I was happy. We were both upset that we didn’t see much of each other in that year, but we knew it would all be worthwhile.
We got married a year later. I remember feeling so lucky. I had a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. Other than our daughter being born it was the best day of my life. I couldn’t stop thinking how perfect my life was. Little did I know hey. My bubble burst 10 months later. My wife told me she had met someone else and that she loved him and wanted us to split up. After lots of arguments and discussions I agreed to move out to give her space. She saw this man all the time. He even took my children to his mums. My little girl started to call him dad. I was shattered. I kept a brave face whenever I saw them all, including my wife. I missed them all so much. After eight months my wife told me she wanted to try again. She said the other man wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t offer them what I could.Cut a long story short. We got back together. I still loved my wife even though she had broken my heart, and I missed the children like crazy.Anyway. Since then the relationship between my wife and me has been so different. I know I still love her and tried very hard to put everything behind us. But I got the feeling that she didn’t love me. She always went to bed without me and when I got into bed she would either just say Night, or she was asleep. We mostly stopped having sex. I didn’t pressure her though. She never showed me affection like hugs and holding hands. If I hugged her I would feel her body tense. If I spoke about these things, she would just say we are fine. That she loved me. She suggested I go out with my work mates for a beer on a fri night after work. Maybe I needed some boy time she said. After a while she started checking my wallet when I got in. and then my pockets. When I asked her what she was doing she said she was just looking for some money for the next day. Soon after she started looking at my phone. When I asked her why she said she wanted to make sure our little girl hadn’t mucked about with it.
I went on the Internet at the beginning just for something to do in the evening. She didn’t want my company. I ended up finding a site and started talking to people. By This time I was so unhappy. I started emailing one woman who was nice and friendly. She gave me advice and was a person who listened.
When my wife found out she went nuts. Now 6 months later she says she dont trust me. She says she thinks I have met this woman on a fri night. I haven’t. I have never met this woman. She was just someone for to talk to. I have tried to explaining this to my wife but she says I have been acting different to her. She says she doesn’t feel loved by me now. She says I used to never want to go out and now I do. She was the one that said i should go out. I don't know what to do. I have stopped talking to this woman but now I have to have someone to talk to. I talked to a friend but don't want to tell him my personal stuff and he said to try a site. Even though this got me in the mess to begin with.
Can you help.

[Helen]

Hi John,

What a mess! There is a lot to unravel here. First, your wife was checking your pockets and your phone because she didn't trust you. I don't know if you realised this. I am going to assume you didn't because you went right ahead and started emailing WOMEN over the net. Not men and women. Women. So you gave her proof that you could not be trusted, even though I am sure you were faithful up to the point of discovery.

Why didn't your wife trust you? Guilt. Her own, that is. And knowing how she would feel if you did to her what she did to you. I suspect there are a number of unresolved and even unbroached conversations between you about her affair and her departure from the marital home.

She came back but she was tense whenever you touched her. Did she ever say why? Did the two of you ever talk, I mean REALLY TALK about everything that led up to the affair? If not (and even if you did) I recommend that the two of you get some marriage counselling. I can speculate about the underground dynamics at play here but I am no therapist. I am an ordinary person, like most of the posters here.

There are some good resources on the site, in the 'Articles' area but I am not sure they will tell you what you need to know. Talking things through with a therapist will clarify the way forward for both of you. You could try Relate (on the Internet). Alternatively, you may find someone in a local directory. Whatever you go for, I think you may need a little bit of help to mend your relationship.

Good luck


Helen

[John_J]

Thank you for your response Helen.
I did talk to my wife. I tried very hard to understand why she met a new man and left me. I have always tried very hard to have open communication. This has proved to be very hard to do in the last year plus. When she left me for him, we talked about it before she left. I asked her why.. She told me that she had just fallen in love with this other man. That I was not giving her anything. She was lonely. As I said though we had discussed my doing shift work and the change it would have on us. When I finished the shift work I went back to regular hours. We spent lots of time together then. It was lovely. Admittedly our sex life was not in abundance but that was fine. I thought. She never said anything. I was not worried about it. The baby was still only 1 so i new she might still not be the way she was before. Aftr we got married I still thought everything was fine. She seemed happy. We cuddled. We went out and we had a lovong relationship. Ecept what i didn't know was she was not happy. That is what she told me when she left. She said this man was more exciting. She said he treated her special and made her happy. I thought i made her happy.Now our baby was over 2. She just said we had both changed and she needed different things.
When she left the other man and wanted me back. she told me she knew he was not right for them. he couldn't give her what they needed. that i could offer them more and that the children missed me.
I love her very much even when she did this. but i think because she is not affectionate with me and doesn't like being with me that she only came back cos i could give her a better home and security. I don't think she loves me.
She says she thinks i don't love her but i think it is the other way round.
We tried councilling but she wouldn't tell them about the past. I told her that what she did is important and how she feels. but she says she isn't going to tell stuff about her personal life. and it was in the past.

[Helen]

Hi John,

Unfortunately, as you know, it most definitely isn't in the past. From the fact that she came back, I guess she wasn't 'in love' after all. Love does not know about material possessions and isn't about what a guy can give you. I am sure he was very exciting but he was probably single with no responsibilities and nothing better to do than run off with another guy's wife. He certainly wasn't doing shift work to feed and support a family so he probably had plenty of time for her. Yet the rose coloured glasses still came off. I wonder why?

When she said you were not giving her 'anything' what did she mean? Also, how did things 'change'? And what was it that she thinks she and the children 'need' that he couldn't give her? It sounds to me as though this is about the fact that you became parents and the dynamic of your relationship shifted. Maybe she needed time to come to terms with it as it sounds to me as though she was not ready to become a mother. Hence she stiffens when you touch her. I am not saying this is THE reason. But it is something that can sometimes occur after childbirth. Maybe she is afraid of becoming pregnant again and feeling even more lonely and isolated? Whatever it is, you do need to get to the bottom of that. As for her being lonely - what a pity she couldn't tell you that before looking elsewhere. If the two of you had a conversation about you doing shift work (presumably to earn more money for the family) then she can hardly turn around and blame you for not being around as much. She knew this would be the case, after all.

When you have kids, the dynamic of a relationship does change. Instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend and lovers, you are parents. The other bits of the relationship can be lost in that for a while, particularly in the early years, when it changes pretty drastically but as the children get older and less dependent, the relationship should get back to normal. I am not sure your wife realises this. It is also possible that she had post natal depression after the birth of your baby, which may have drove her to look elsewhere for support while you were busy working. This in turn may have led to other things.

I can understand how you feel. If she is at your side yet isn't affectionate in any way, what does she want from you? Why is she with you? And does she need to be with you, making you feel worse by the day, to get it? This is a difficult situation. You know the relationship isn't right yet she won't talk about it. She refused to talk about the past with the counsellor and, when it comes to her affair, I suspect you will have to let that go because it doesn't sound as though she will speak to you about it either. BUT it makes no sense for both of you to be unhappy yet be unable to vocalise that and talk constructively about how to get your relationship back on track. She does need to talk about what led her to have the affair. She also needs to talk about the lack of affection she is showing you now. She cannot dismiss your need to know as 'her personal business'. You are her husband and you have a right to know why she is not behaving like a wife towards you. She also needs to understand that this isn't just about her and her needs. It is about you too. Obviously, you want to do what is best for all of you. But what you are not going to accept is being treated like someone she loathes.

If possible, I would recommend that you and your wife take some time away from home to talk about this.


Helen

[John_J]

hello again Helen.
When i first met my wife she already had a son. he was 2. So when we first started together seriously we already had to be parents as well. He was a lovely little boy and we got on really well straight away. we were very lucky. I have brought him up as my own and he has never had contact with his REAL dad. Until our little girl was born my wife was very loving and we had a lovely sex life. We got on really well. After she was born i knew my wife was alot more tired and that things were different because there was a baby to look after. but i thought it would all be normal later on when the baby was a bit older. So I didn't mind.
We did have a talk 2 days ago but then it just turned into another argument.
She told me that she left the other man because he was not ready to take on two children.
I love her very much and i wish things could go back to the way they were. Except i get the doubt that keeps popping up that she only came back because he didn't want the children. I don't think she came back because she loves me.
I have asked her what was wrong between us for her to go off with another man, but she says she doesnt know. She says she was bored and was not getting enough attention. She says he was exciting and they did fun things. but then she says that she doesn't really know. She doesn't like to talk alot about problems and the past.
She says she does love me. But now all she talks about is why was i talking to another woman in email. I got very upset and told her that i never felt loved properly when she came back and that i sometimes was thinking about her with him and it gutted me. She told me when she came back it would take a while for us to get back to normal but we still are not normal.so i explained that i was just talking to this lady for advise.
She says whats in the past should be left in the past and she doesn't like me to bring it up. I really have not brought it up often. Since i stopped emailing the woman nothing has changed.
In the last two days now there is an atmospere and we are talking even less.
Did she come back because she loved me or was it for the childrens security only. cos that is how i am starting to feel.