Do christian/atheist marriages work?

[marion]

My boyfriend and I are completely in love and we've both discussed the prospect of marriage. However, I am a Christian and he is an atheist. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to be with him for eternity. But I know that if he doesn't believe in God he won't go to Heaven. He holds quite strong views on the subject and I can't see him changing these views. I can't bare to think of what will happen to him when he dies if he doesn't find Jesus. I love him completely but can a relationship like this really work? Should I just respect his views and be content with having him for a lifetime only? I pray for him everyday that he will find Jesus one day.

[AlwaysGreen]

The most important thing is that this man loves you. If he is a good, moral man, who loves you uncondiotionally, who will never harm you, will always do right by others and is compasionate and giving, then grab him and never let go. He does not need to believe in God to be a good person.
I too am an atheist. It is not that I don't believe in God, it is more that I respect everyone for their choice of religion and Gods. If I were for example Catholic, then I believe I would have less understanding of other religions. I don't want that. I want to understand everyone and appreciate all the different faiths for what they give people. I don't in any way whatsoever scorn God, I just believe everyone has a right to believe in the religion of their choice.
This Man in your life is no lesser a person because he chooses to not follow god. He has to be a strong couragous Man to go through life not seeking advice from a higher being.
Love him for who he is. God does. We are all Gods children. We might forget him from time to time, but he does not forget us.
Have a lovely marriage.

[Helen]

I agree with much of what AlwaysGreen says but there is one point that you both need to be clear on before you embark on marriage because it is something that can cause real problems. What would happen if you have children? I am assuming you would want them to be Christened? Would he be happy for you to do this? If not, how would you feel about that?


Helen

[jack]

hi

i'm sure you really want answers to this from a christian viewpoint & i can't offer you that. what i can say as someone who is in a relationship that has lasted 20 years, although not without troubles otherwise i wouldn't be on this site, is it couldn't have worked for us if we didn't have similar beliefs/values. We both believe strongly in fairness & equality - i think it used to be called socialism but funnily enough you don't hear that word much nowadays - incidentally i think jesus was a bit of a socialist -Anyway despite all my faults which are documented elsewhere on this site, i believe respect for each other's beliefs/values is absolutely crucial in a relationship & if these beliefs & value are important to you some form of agreement is preferable. for examp: I am a socialist & could never ever live with a conservative - doesn't make them bad people but i couldn't live with one - but then all sorts of people have all sorts of relationships so what i am really saying is "i haven't a bloody clue" but good luck to you whatever you decide. p.s. do you really buy all that virgin birth malarkey?

good luck & may your god bless you abundantly


jack

[hoxton]

Marian,

I am also an atheist, But I must say Always Green summed it up, If he is a good moral and loving man then I am sure he will go to heven, I dont knock anyones religion Live and let Live that's what I say, But like Helen rightly says the thing I see being a problem is having children what will you do then ?

Please take on board if you are lucky enough to find a good man you should love and cherish him,

Just because he does not beleive in god does not mean he won't go to heven surely god would except anyone that is a good person, And that's what you should be telling your self.
Dont let this stand in your way of being happy,

Good luck,

Amanda

[Liz]

Dear Marian

There is a lot of wisdom in what the others here have said to you. Someone who really values you and cares for you is hard to find and sadly marriages between Christians can also break down. Becoming a Christian doesn't make you perfect or enable you not to make mistakes. It should open up the opportunities for grace and forgiveness when we do make mistakes and it should help us to do what is right and loving if we are really seeking God's help all the time.

Having the same values is important in most marriages and when you have children there will be tensions if you can't agree about what to teach them about the why's of life.

The bible says that it is not good for a believer to marry a non-believer. In this it is pointing towards some of the problems about different values and bringing up children. The bible also says that if you become a Christian then you shouldn't abandon your spouse because they don't accept Jesus as their Saviour ( I Cor ch 7).

But you touch on an issue which is probably hard for non-Christians to understand - what will life after death hold for a non-believer. I can only speak from the point of view of our own spiritual journey. I made a fresh commitment to Jesus when our son was born. I knew then I needed to know what I believed so I could guide him as he grew up. At that time my husband didn't know what he believed and I struggled with this for some time. I tried to bargain with God, that I would live for him if he would get David to follow him too. In the end I accepted that I couldn't bargain with God like this and handed David over to God, trusting that he would take care of him. Whatever David decided I was going to follow Jesus. However that didn't mean that I just went my own way. Part of loving God was to lovingly accept David and recognise that caring for him and my marriage was a way of serving God. Eventually David chose to follow Jesus too and it means so much to us that we can share that together. I am not sure that we could be as close as we are without that.

When I accepted that I couldn't bargain with God or force the situation, I had to face up to the fact that I couldn't be sure that David would be with me and Jesus in eternity and that was very painful.

My situation differs from yours in that we were married before the issue arose. If I was facing the same decision before marriage, I would want to be sure that God wanted me to marry the person I was in love with. When we first fall in love we find it hard to see things clearly – we just want to be with the one we are in love with. If we want our marriage is to last, we both need to have the kind of love and commitment that will take us through the difficult times. Why not think about what some of those challenges may be and what impact your different beliefs may make at such times. There are also a host of marriage preparation programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) like Engaged Encounter, Prepare and FOCCUS which can help you both to think these things through. Perhaps you might do something like that together so you can explore together what the impact one ach of you will be of having these different beliefs.

Liz

[boltonlass]

Marriage is hard at times. If you want to follow God you will have to choose God rather than your boyfriend. I can almost guarantee that if you go into marriage under these circumstances, you will find it very difficult to follow God. Don't marry him thinking you can make him believe after you're married. It's a big choice is marriage. At the end of the day - who is more important to you - him or God. If it's God, then let the boyfriend go and God will bless you for your decision.

[Helen]

Marriage is hard at times. If you want to follow God you will have to choose God rather than your boyfriend. I can almost guarantee that if you go into marriage under these circumstances, you will find it very difficult to follow God. Don't marry him thinking you can make him believe after you're married. It's a big choice is marriage. At the end of the day - who is more important to you - him or God. If it's God, then let the boyfriend go and God will bless you for your decision....or Marion and her boyfriend could try to work out their differences before they commit. Apart from a few differences, they seem ideally compatible. I think we are all in agreement that some work needs to be done but to say 'Do not marry him' without knowing what their relationship means to both of them is a tad drastic.


Helen

[Colour]

The most hurtful thing I have ever heard was my finace (a christian) telling me that he thought I was going to go to hell, because I didn't believe in the exact same things as him. The only person who has the right to be concerned about another persons passage after death, is god. Either you love your boyfriend or you don't, if he is a good person then their is no reason why he would not be with you, and your god when you both pass.

[candelaria]

I have been married for 11 years to someone who is not a christian. I never thought in a million years that it was going to be an issue in our marriage. After we had children is when the problems started to appear. As you get older and have children your focus begins to change. You want everything for your children and would do anything for them. It boils down to are you willing to take the risk that your children will not believe in Jesus because of your husband. If I had a chance to do it over I would have decided that it was not worth the risk. It is a big strain on my marriage. I just continue to teach the children and pray that they will grow up to have a strong faith. Hope this helps.

[martin123]

If anyone is so religious that they put thier god above everyone and everything else (which, if they were true to thier word, would include thier husbands or wives to be and ultimetly thier children) as many, many people believe, then surely they should think very seriously about getting married to someone who may have different views to themselves. Surely that is the point! Marriage, as many of us have found out, is full of up`s AND downs even without the addition of children. Please think about the children that may be a result of your marriage to an athiest or to anyone who follows another religion or has different views to you. You WILL dissagree on many things concerning the way in which they should be brought up. It will, almost definately, result in sadness and grief for all concerned. The initial attraction that leads someone to fall in love with another human being has nothing to do with religion, it is a natural reaction to an attractive member of the opposite sex. So why do we have to complicate matters even more? Why do we continue to add labels when labels are really not required. Love someone just because you love them while you are both on this earth. If it is true that god, in which ever form he takes, is all forgiving and loves everyone, then we really haven`t got a problem. Have we?


Martin:)

P.S. Afternoon Helen. I hope you are well.

[Shasta]

On a one to ten scale 10 being a very difficult marriage you are prolly about a 13. But if you are in "love" no one's going tell you different. Take it from me I was 19 when I got married (about a 10 or 11 on that same scale) I rationalized it by saying he was in his late 20's so if you averaged our ages we were about 23-24 not nearly as bad ;) You have to decide if that is what the father has in mind for you and then if it isn't (and you will know) you have to have the guts to end it. Any way as for me- it was and is as hard as I was warned that would be. And even if it does have an end I'm glad that I did it. . . . Most days :p !

[LadyRed]

1 Corinthians, 7 12-14

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

So yea, your pretty much helping the both of you out. I love how christians only take the verses of the bible that say NO to this, but dont read the good parts. I wish you both well. Just keep LOVE in your life, it is the true key. All else will follow.

me christian btw. but i dunno, i dont liek classifying myself to a religion anymore because religion is just so rule binding now adays. everyone wants to be right, so im more like.. "other"

[dxg]

1 Corinthians, 7 12-14

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

So yea, your pretty much helping the both of you out. I love how christians only take the verses of the bible that say NO to this, but dont read the good parts. I wish you both well. Just keep LOVE in your life, it is the true key. All else will follow.

...

No; The texts are discussing the situation where the marriage already exists.
The original question is regarding the initiation of the marriage.
Big difference.

In my situation, after honest and sincere prayer, I got a very clear answer which was no, don't marry her.

The bible recommends against it as it will make your life harder in the majority of cases. And it is very true. I loved her to bits, and had God not answered I would be mostl likely still with her.. but the complications that I know would arise once kids came long would not be pleasant.

Being married to someone who believes the same as you would not only help you keep your faith strong, but I believe you can be alot closer with that person when you are capable of sharing everything together.

Your faith and ultimately religion are/should be a huge part of your life. Being able to share that with the person you love is an incredible thing.

That said, I concur; Not being religious does not exlude you from heaven at all.. nor does being religious include you. It all comes down to how you live your life given the light you are given.

[Raymond]

dxg is right. The previous post quoted scripture out of context.

The bible does say be not unequally yoked with unbelievers 2 Cor:6-14. Although we are to love unbelievers, being yoked in marriage would be a big strain as deep down you would be going seperate paths.

I know this is very difficult for you. If you are in a live church that honours Christ I am sure the elders or pastor would back this view up. You have no promise from God that he will become a christian and one's hope must be based on God otherwise it's just a hope - it might or might not happen, however much you want it to happen.

I believe God has the right person for you and I know you do not want to hear this at this time. God will give you His peace when you make the right decision. God bless you, take courage. Marriage is very important to your future. Take time to get it right.

Raymond

[perfectmarriage]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. She is a committed Christian and I am a staunch atheist. Has it made any difference? No. Has it created even the slightest problem? Emphatically no.

If you love each other and you want to marry I would say go for it.

Ed

[Evada]

I think it is important you go into the marriage being clear on what you will teach the children regarding religious beliefs.

I have been married 15 yrs to a wonderful man who thinks all this business about God is a bunch of bunk. Furthermore, he thinks he is doing his children an injustice letting them be "brainwashed" into believing what he sees as a negative thing. It has made things very difficult and I have almost had to sneak any sort of spiritual guidance into my children's lives. It's pretty much "ex-nay on the Esus-Jay" around here, otherwise Dad will go about explaining to the kids that there is no such thing as God, Jesus, etc, that it's all make believe story, like Santa or the Easter Bunny.

When we first got married, he seemed okay about it all and respectful of my beliefs, but it all changed when we had kids. Kids have a way of changing our priorities, and it suddenly became apparent to him that he had to protect them from being fed these "untruths". If you look at it from his perspective, you can see how he thinks he is doing what is best for his kids.

Unfortunately, I disagree with him, and unfortunately, it makes things very difficult in our marriage. I love him very much, but if I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have married him. Which is really a shame, because he really is a good man.

[Raymond]

I think any christian has to really think it through before marrying a non christian, be not unequally yoked and all that.

However Evada the scriptures say that your children are purified by the believer, so God is there and He can bring about a miracle. Keep praying for the children and for your husband. Don't preach to him but show him by your life what you believe, who knows you may convert him.

These things are in the scriptures in the new testament.

Raymond

[charlie1]

I am in a relationship with a christian. I am a non believer (atheist/lapsed catholic).

- Marrying a christian doesnt guarantee anything. if you married Jimmy Swaggart or Jim baker ( fill in with multiple "fallen christians"). Christians have as high , or even a higher divorce rate than other religions.
- Not being "yoked" was probably good safe advice back in biblical times. people of different sects, tribes had very different customs, traditions and were very focused on preserving same. Modern society is much more homogenous and people are more educated, respectful of each others differences etc. Its not really relevant today.

I think its totally possibleto marry someone who is a non believer. I think Christians may , at some level, not want this to work because it acknowledges others beliefs which automatically undermines theirs.

You may have to re-examine some of your core beliefs though but you choose this person already so you are probably open to that. I wouldnt worry about adapting the bible to your life because people have been doing that for centuries to justify everything from slavery to heretic burning.

Every couple has things they want to change about the other. Its part of the tension that keeps a relationship dynamic.

This is love. If you are in a happy, respectful, loving relationship that is the most important thing and that is where you should start. Any loving God would smile.

[ricardo1979]

Hi all,

I'm an atheist who is currently in a relationship with a Christian and we've talked about getting married and what problems might come up. One thing we've discussed is some sort of informal but binding agreement about what compromises each of us agree to make before we get married. So I thought I'd post it here in case anyone had any helpful comments.

The more exact situation is that we both entrenched in our beliefs but can accept the other person's. Obviously she wants the children to become Christians which I'm prepared to accept with a few caveats. Although I don't believe in God, I do think that Christianity helps some people (including my girlfriend) to live happier lives and that a lot of the moral teachings of Jesus were excellent principles. So...

Children

Obviously the main problem. They would be taught about christianity by their mother and the father would make no active attempt to subvert this. However, this religious teaching couldn't include anything which contradicted certain moral principles. These are roughly that all people can be good or bad people regardless of religious belief, sexuality etc. It is also obviously unacceptable for the child to be frightened with images of hell. When asked about religion, the father will give his honest opinion, and the children will be told that different people have different views about this.

Schools

The children will go to a Christian school, but it must be one which seperates science and religion. For example the children won't be taught that Creationism is a well-supported scientific theory with an equal status to the theory of evolution. The Christian beliefs taught by the school will be in accordance with those outlined in the previous paragraph (i.e. no 'gays go to hell')

Charity

The family will obviously give to charity. This can be to Christian charities which help people in need but not those whose aim is to convert people to Christianity.

I'd really appreciate it if people pointed out any other big issues that could cause conflict, and also commented on anything in this that is not likely to work.

Cheers, Richard

[snooples]

My boyfriend and I are completely in love and we've both discussed the prospect of marriage. However, I am a Christian and he is an atheist. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to be with him for eternity. But I know that if he doesn't believe in God he won't go to Heaven. He holds quite strong views on the subject and I can't see him changing these views. I can't bare to think of what will happen to him when he dies if he doesn't find Jesus. I love him completely but can a relationship like this really work? Should I just respect his views and be content with having him for a lifetime only? I pray for him everyday that he will find Jesus one day.


I myself had a Christian girlfriend who meant everything to me . I could not imagine not being with her , but she turned her back on me ultimately when she realized that I could never be converted. I will never forgive her for that betrayal. That seems to me to be the ultimate in selfish heartless bigotry.

You speak only of him changing HIS views, that sounds rather familiar to me . Your boyfriend , like myself, has no doubt considered the truth or falsity of Christian beliefs in great detail. Have you ever considered his side of the story ?

From your perspective , you can turn your back on a good man who loves you and go be with a Christian man in Heaven for all eternity ,leaving your loving boyfriend behind to burn in hell . And your Christian community will pat you on the back for that as being a virtuous decision!

From his perspective , though he loves you very much ,he is powerless to change the fact that what you believe is not only false , it also demands that you must have nothing to do with him ! ( " do not yoke thineself unequally together with the unbeliever" ) And you will leave him at a the drop of a hat over a few bronze age scribblings cobbled together by the Emperor Constantine in the third century CE.

As for the education of children, well. If you freely admit that belief in God must be indoctrinated as a truth from birth , then you have no respect for freedom of thought or even the "freewill" that your Deity is supposed to value so much. (although most moral persons would argue that there is no "freewill" when under duress of eternal damnation)

If there is an open discussion with your boyfriend as well as your kids ,then there should be no problem . Liberal Christians that see the New Testament as moral philosophy are likely to argue it`s tenets . If you are a Conservative Christian, then all those that don`t believe as you are the agents of Satan . The bible tells you what to do with them .

It all depends on which one you are.

[snooples]

Hi all,

I'm an atheist who is currently in a relationship with a Christian and we've talked about getting married and what problems might come up. One thing we've discussed is some sort of informal but binding agreement about what compromises each of us agree to make before we get married. So I thought I'd post it here in case anyone had any helpful comments.

The more exact situation is that we both entrenched in our beliefs but can accept the other person's. Obviously she wants the children to become Christians which I'm prepared to accept with a few caveats. Although I don't believe in God, I do think that Christianity helps some people (including my girlfriend) to live happier lives and that a lot of the moral teachings of Jesus were excellent principles. So...

Children

Obviously the main problem. They would be taught about christianity by their mother and the father would make no active attempt to subvert this. However, this religious teaching couldn't include anything which contradicted certain moral principles. These are roughly that all people can be good or bad people regardless of religious belief, sexuality etc. It is also obviously unacceptable for the child to be frightened with images of hell. When asked about religion, the father will give his honest opinion, and the children will be told that different people have different views about this.

Schools

The children will go to a Christian school, but it must be one which seperates science and religion. For example the children won't be taught that Creationism is a well-supported scientific theory with an equal status to the theory of evolution. The Christian beliefs taught by the school will be in accordance with those outlined in the previous paragraph (i.e. no 'gays go to hell')

Charity

The family will obviously give to charity. This can be to Christian charities which help people in need but not those whose aim is to convert people to Christianity.

I'd really appreciate it if people pointed out any other big issues that could cause conflict, and also commented on anything in this that is not likely to work.

Cheers, Richard


There are a few issues that I think might come up regarding your contract. You say that the mother shall teach the children ABOUT Christianity. Does this include telling your children that God is real? How about original sin? I know all about Christianity, but that is very different from having been taught it from birth as a true fact of reality. Children are vulnerable to integrating their worldview between the ages of 3 to 8 or so . Most religions know this ,and place special emphasis on integrating true/false distinctions by this age limit. Consider this factor.

Regarding schooling . I have never in my life EVER encountered a "Christian" school that taught a full and accurate honest account of evolution by natural selection. Some teach that "adaptation" inside of species is accepted , but not macroevolution. Others teach that evolution is a theory of "chance" and is highly improbable ,and is just a "theory" and is not proven in any way. I have heard many ,all are dishonest. There is a reason for this though. Most Bible based religious worldviews are blown out of the water if one truly understands evolution and its evidence. Christian schools know this . They also understand that their students may encounter evolution later in life . That is why they provide their students with a ready made "straw man" concept of it , in order to protect their students FAITH.

As for charity. There is a message being sent by only giving to Christian charities. That is , that Christians are virtuous beyond any scope involving secular organizations. Like the catchy new Church billboard phrase ,"GOOD WITHOUT GOD= 0" .

[snooples]

Dear Marian

There is a lot of wisdom in what the others here have said to you. Someone who really values you and cares for you is hard to find and sadly marriages between Christians can also break down. Becoming a Christian doesn't make you perfect or enable you not to make mistakes. It should open up the opportunities for grace and forgiveness when we do make mistakes and it should help us to do what is right and loving if we are really seeking God's help all the time.

Having the same values is important in most marriages and when you have children there will be tensions if you can't agree about what to teach them about the why's of life.

The bible says that it is not good for a believer to marry a non-believer. In this it is pointing towards some of the problems about different values and bringing up children. The bible also says that if you become a Christian then you shouldn't abandon your spouse because they don't accept Jesus as their Saviour ( I Cor ch 7).

But you touch on an issue which is probably hard for non-Christians to understand - what will life after death hold for a non-believer. I can only speak from the point of view of our own spiritual journey. I made a fresh commitment to Jesus when our son was born. I knew then I needed to know what I believed so I could guide him as he grew up. At that time my husband didn't know what he believed and I struggled with this for some time. I tried to bargain with God, that I would live for him if he would get David to follow him too. In the end I accepted that I couldn't bargain with God like this and handed David over to God, trusting that he would take care of him. Whatever David decided I was going to follow Jesus. However that didn't mean that I just went my own way. Part of loving God was to lovingly accept David and recognise that caring for him and my marriage was a way of serving God. Eventually David chose to follow Jesus too and it means so much to us that we can share that together. I am not sure that we could be as close as we are without that.

When I accepted that I couldn't bargain with God or force the situation, I had to face up to the fact that I couldn't be sure that David would be with me and Jesus in eternity and that was very painful.

My situation differs from yours in that we were married before the issue arose. If I was facing the same decision before marriage, I would want to be sure that God wanted me to marry the person I was in love with. When we first fall in love we find it hard to see things clearly – we just want to be with the one we are in love with. If we want our marriage is to last, we both need to have the kind of love and commitment that will take us through the difficult times. Why not think about what some of those challenges may be and what impact your different beliefs may make at such times. There are also a host of marriage preparation programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) like Engaged Encounter, Prepare and FOCCUS which can help you both to think these things through. Perhaps you might do something like that together so you can explore together what the impact one ach of you will be of having these different beliefs.

Liz
Can you not see the life destroying ,heartless ,corruption that you are advocating ? I have experienced this mindlessness firsthand . I know what I believe . My values are that of honesty, truth , and love . Lets face it ..if you don`t get your way ..your going to bail ! Apparently the twisted authoritarianism of man made scripture can even make you turn your back on your dearest of loved ones,and encourage others to do the same as if it were a virtue! What greater hell can there be than that? You disgust me .

[rejones1]

[quote=marion;15836]But I know that if he doesn't believe in God he won't go to Heaven.

I think that this is a common misconception in the christian faith, that if you don't believe in God you won't go to heaven. I believe that as long as you live your life in a way that christians would, i.e. not hurting people, helping them and leading your life in a good way, God will not leave them out of his kingdom.
A person may not believe in God but God will still believe in that person.

[rejones1]

I think that it is a common misconceaption that if you do not believe in God you will not go to heaven. I believe that as long as you lead your life in a good way, not harming others etc you will find that you are not kept from his kingdom because although a person may not belive in God, God never stops believing in that person.

[sweetmusicman]

I think that it is a common misconceaption that if you do not believe in God you will not go to heaven. I believe that as long as you lead your life in a good way, not harming others etc you will find that you are not kept from his kingdom because although a person may not belive in God, God never stops believing in that person.


It's not just common conception but the truth; people don't go to heaven because their good,living morally accepted lives but rather believing and accepting the Sacrifice given by God throught Jesus Christ. If people could go to heaven just by being good and morally accepted according to Biblical standards, then Jesus Christ birth and death wasn't needed at all. Now this is just common sense,don't you think?

Please understand this- Every humanbeing is born as dirt within themselves,but as soon as they accept God's Sacrifice they become clean! It's like using washing powder to get stain out of fabrics.

[Raymond]

I found that to be true as well. He is amazing.

Raymond

[Sierra]

All that is well and good, but it assumes that there is in fact a god. If in fact your boyfriend turns out to be right (and it's highly probable that he will) then you lose nothing by marrying him. In fact, if he is right, then you will have him for the BEST PART of his eternity. The path he is on after he dies is of no consequence.

I've been at it 42 years, have seen not a shred of evidence of a diety, and have not suffered a minute for it. It sure would have gummed up my social life if I worried about where people were going to be "after".

If my companions wanted to go to church, fine. I've even gone with them on occasion. The music was nice, the doughnuts tasty and it got me out of bed earlier.

S

[tx345]

Hi, I'm a little confused so hopefully someone can shed some light on my circumstance as you all appear to be worldly and experienced in this field.

Now I've been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years. We love one another, wished to spend our lives together. Recently he has returned to his Faith. His family are religious but he's never shown an interest whilst he has been with me. Suddenly he tells me, without any discussion what so ever that he wishes to terminate our relationship as he wants to pursue a relationship with someone who shares his faith.
Now I'm an open minded athiest. I respect everyone for their views, am completely tolerant. This I just do not understand. I understand the possible issues that may have arisen with children but I was always willing to compromise or come to an arrangement of some sort that would suit both of us.
He tells me he still loves me and as a person can see us living out a happy life together but he cannot let it be as I do not share his faith.

So I'm confused. Truly baffled. Two people who love each other as much as we do, and it just can't happen as he believes he needs someone to share his Faith with.

[gembe38]

I have the same problem as the person above me although we were only together 8 months and he has always been strong in his faith. Ive said I would support him in any way I could, and I understand the problems that may occur.
He says he still loves me but he cant compromise, he has to make a full commitment to god.
He said he didnt want another christian girl, he wanted me to be his christian girl. And that just wont happen.
We are broken up atm but we both know we still love each other. Its really hurting. and I miss him terribly even when we are around hanging together as friends.
I know in my heart he wont change his mind.....
I just need to know why love can be abandoned so?

[Raymond]

The trouble is Gembe that he knows you will be walking in a different direction to him if you marry him. He might have loved you in the romantic way but even that is subject to his faith. He will really need someone who can share his faith from the heart in order for him to flourish. It is sad in a way but I believe he has made the right decision which will serve him best in the long run.

I think it was wrong of him to get involved with you in the first place if he knew that is what he believed. Probably what happened though is that the conviction came later while he was with you.

Raymond

[allierobs]

Ive been dating my boyfirend for a while now and we both have been athiests. More recently he found god and now is following the bible. I feel like already we are drifiting apart and have no idea what to do. He tells me he loves me so much and we can work on this, and I know I'm the one who is having a hard time adjusting to this. I just have no idea how to. I need to know that if we start a family together that we will come before god no matter what. If he cant promise me that I can't be with him anymore. Am I being selfish? I don't think Im asking too much, I just dont undertsand how he can all the sudden belive in god and read the bible.

Allie

[Ageing Grace]

Allie, I think you need answers from some of the Christian members here. I'm not - but I will try to put your mind at rest a little bit.

Depending on what school of faith your boyfriend's following (there are hundreds of different ways to interpret what the Bible says), you might not notice any difference at all except for going to church more often and some prayers.

I hope this is the case for you, as it's easy to live with and there is really very little to dislike about a partner with a strong commitment to honesty, love and responsibility!

Some branches of religion set very strict rules about how to behave, what to wear, how much fun is allowed and so on. If your boyfriend has chosen a 'prescriptive' type of faith there could be more of a problem because he may want to change you and your life together. In this case, I think you'd need to go talk to his teachers/preachers - preferably with a close friend or family member of yours for support - to find out more about it, so as to know more about your boyfriend's new expectations & decide whether you're willing to live in his world.

Concerning your question about family: There is no religion, anywhere, that puts anything before god. Not even family. Love between people is seen as a reflection of the love between god & mankind, so it can never be bigger or more important than the original - if you see what I mean? On the up side, this does mean that love between people is highly respected and valued.

If he sticks with his faith, he will certainly want his children to be baptised into the same church, and reared according to its beliefs.

Does your boyfriend have a troubled background? Finding god can often provide an excellent way to resolve bad issues within a person - so it might be worth exploring this angle a bit further before you make any big decisions. I hope Raymond will chip in here, as he's well informed on how Christianity helps people sort out their problems.

You chose the right forum here; good luck.
AG :)

[Ageing Grace]

Aargh :o I replied to Allie's post without realising this was an old - powerfully argued - and very long thread!

Were I in Allie's situation, the preceding pages would scare the living daylights out of me! I stick by what I said to her - Christianity (and islam, and judaism, and the rest) come in many flavours. In every case the intention is benign but problems arise when one's reading of scriptures leads one to believe one is MORE RIGHT than everyone else.

Christ's big message, I believe, was one of understanding, tolerance and compassion. All of the great prophets preached pretty much the same.

It's a lesson that needs to be re-taught for each generation, but it's hardly rocket science. All of their teachings are easily subverted to fill passing needs. How come? Because the scriptures we have are verbal histories, passed along by 'chinese whispers' and written down, hundreds of years later, by assorted historians of their time - in languages that are now defunct.

Unless you are an expert in Aramaic, you do not know exactly what the Bible or the Torah says. Even the academics who wrote those first scrolls worked separately, from 300-year-old folklore. This is why there are so many various interpretations. The men who wrote it down for us tried to pass it ALL on, trusting that we would possess the wisdom to filter out the great truths to live by. Many today, as it turns out, do. Many don't.

You think there's One Truth in the bible? Consider this. It's fairly fundamental. God created woman (Eve) out of man (Adam's rib), right?

* Right, according to Genesis 2 - King James translation, general version:
"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. [/URL]18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. [URL="http://bible.cc/genesis/2-19.htm"] (http://bible.cc/genesis/2-8.htm)21 And he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her to the man."

* Wrong, according to Genesis 1 - same translation:
" 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28 And God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it ... "

According to your reading of Genesis 1, God either created a unisex human or created male & female at the same time. Also they were not created out of dirt. G1 was written before G2, that's why James's translators put them in that order.

It doesn't mean one version is better than another ...
I'm simply trying to point out that scriptures (this applies to them all) as doctrine don't work - unless they have been edited & subverted by preachers looking to use them for their own means.

Each one of the great Middle-Eastern prophets: Moses, Jesus, Mohammed and the others - taught compassion, sharing & learning.

Each one of them rose to influence as their people were being forced to comply with the edicts of some other culture; they stood up and said "Hang on a minute! This isn't how human beings treat other! We know; we sense; we are better than that." In each case, god was with them - or, the better side of human nature if you will.

If there is One Truth in the Bible, it's the truth that is also in the Torah and in the Koran: Love is the key. Compassion is strength, and tolerance is power.

I am not made of dirt (unless you want to get into quantum physics, in which case everything is made of everything!). I wasn't born sinful: I was born fresh & new, like every newborn everywhere. So were you :)

Mixed grrrs & aaahs :rolleyes:
AG

[aerialpunk]

Well, opinions about whether or not the Bible is right are not entirely relevant in my mind, not for this topic anyway...

I'm in a similar situation too. I'm a Christian, and my boyfriend of more than 2 years is an atheist. We've been talking about marriage, and of course this is something that comes up... I can tell you some of my experiences & things that have helped us work through it.

K, so first off, I think it's a good point to talk about exactly what each of you believe and why. It's true that for all of us, we're not simply Christian or atheist. There's more to it than that. For me, my faith background, if you will, is not actually very religious per se. I'm a very devout Christian from a moral, faith, and ideological perspective. But I'm not one to think that if you don't go to church every Sunday, or if you wear jewelry or dance, you're going to hell. My boyfriend is an atheist, but not a devout, militant-type atheist- he simply hasn't found anything to convince him.

For me, this is a huge, huge difference. I have friends who are militant atheists, and honestly, I think there'd be serious problems in marrying someone like that- someone who actually hates God, and thinks Christians are stupid, & who won't listen to a word you say about it, rather than simply someone who's unconvinced that God's there. Talking about this kind of thing really sheds light on how workable the relationship is. After we talked extensively about it, we came to the conclusion that we love each other as people, regardless of beliefs. Even if he disagrees with me on these things, I can talk openly about what I think with him without fearing judgment, and I can do the same for him.

Also, I think it's important to keep a long-term perspective. It really made me sad to read people's stories about being ditched by people who thought religious differences would wreck things. I had a hard time with my family, since a lot of them buy into that idea- that a relationship like ours is doomed. But you know, my sister's and her boyfriend are both Christian, and even that didn't stop them from having big fights about religion ;) And luckily, I even have my pastor to look to for example- he and his wife were into each other since they were kids, and when they hooked up, she was a strict Catholic and he was an atheist, now they're both Adventists :P

Really, you can't guarantee anything, whether you share your faith or not. Who knows, maybe you'll be a Christian & an atheist now, and 15 years down the road you'll be a Buddhist and a Wiccan. Maybe you'll both end up Christian, maybe you'll be happy, maybe you'll get divorced. You just don't know what will happen, and so you should focus more on what kind of a person they are, and also on their moral values (my boyfriend and I have virtually identical moral values, and it makes up a lot for our different religious beliefs).

Kids might be tricky, but we won't be getting married for probably at least another year and a half (we're doing it long distance, so we have to finish school and whatnot first), but we figured we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Plus, having similar morals helps a lot, since even if they get two different stories on things like origins, at least they'll get one unified moral teaching.

Most importantly, remember to ask God about it- really you should do that, even if you both were Christians :P He knows what's going on. But remember, you have to be totally open to what he says about the matter, whether you like what he says or not... lol in the past I had an issue with that.... God's all like, "Nope", and I'm all like, "What's that? Did you say.. yes? Awesome." only to run into problems later :P But yeah, if you honestly seek God's advice on the matter, you can't go wrong :)

[roxtica]

Hi Everyone,

I read all your posts to get some feedback on a similar situation I just had. I recently ended a dating relationship with someone because he is an atheist.
He was a complete gentleman, and treated me better than other guys I have dated.


My issue is this, dating an atheist may be a burden for that person, and with my walk with God. When we (Christians) decide to give our lives to God, it is no longer a belief but a lifestyle. While I respect that atheist have their own opinion about this, getting in a relationship may get in the way with the goals I have planned. For example, missionary work- traveling to other countries with my church.


Yes, it's true that Christian relationships have just as much a chance of ending like any other. The only thing that would be missing, is being able to see the relationship beyond being mortal. Being in love is nice, but moreover, doing my job as a Christian is more important; and it is a lot of work to do. It is a 24/7 job, by choice, but it involves a lot of prayer, worship music, going to church, listening to spiritual lectures from pastors... etc.. This is a lifestyle I dedicate myself to, and I love it.


Not to mention, I can't even imagine how painful it is to not be able pray with the person I love :(. Or, sharing spiritual experiences; like saying, “do you want to know how the Holy Spirit has blessed me today?” Also, there is a peace in knowing that if one of us dies we KNOW that we will see eachother again.


I hope this helps clarify the delimna a Christian is faced with when falling for an atheist.:confused:


I'll tell you what, I don't completely know if what I did was the right or wrong thing. I am praying about it, and if it is God's will we will end up together. If it is not God's will, I will pray that this guy finds someone he is happy with ;):)

[chosen]

God, who is very wise, tells us clearly not be be with a person who isnt a believer.I have three close friends who are married to non believers and they each find it very hard and long to have a believing husband. They all became Christians after marriage.
I married a non believer the first time and knew that I never would again. My second husband is a very strong Christian and the thought of not being able to share my faith would be awful. God comes first and I can choose whether to obey Him or not. If I dont then there are consequenses.
Dont do it is Gods instruction.

[chosen]

sweetz
I said that God tells us not to marry a non believer. Pretty clear there.

[chosen]

Yes, you sure did! I am grateful for those who did...but perplexed about why so many atheist would bother taking the time to go to a Christian forum...and the answers they gave were so undermining to her need for truth that it was scary.

Thankyou Chosen

Yes you are right and after all, if God tells us not to do something, it is for our own good. If we are believers and go against that then we cant be surprised if things go wrong. After all, who are we to think that we know better than God?

[Art]

After all, who are we to think that we know better than God?

Real.

Seriously though, As an atheist, or maybe more correctly, agnostic,
I find it surprisingly intolerant of a Christian to reject a partner who they
could otherwise potentially share so much happiness with,
based purely on a verse in the Bible.

I mean how literal do you want to take it in this day & age?
There are lists of contradictions in the Bible freely available on the internet.

What does this say to an Atheist who is respectful of the Christian faith
to have the parter he/her loves reject them based on their beliefs of lack thereof?
It is not within everyone's power to alter what they believe at will,
but tolerance, understanding, and compromise is within everyone's power.

[chosen]

Real.

Seriously though, As an atheist, or maybe more correctly, agnostic,
I find it surprisingly intolerant of a Christian to reject a partner who they
could otherwise potentially share so much happiness with,
based purely on a verse in the Bible.

I mean how literal do you want to take it in this day & age?
There are lists of contradictions in the Bible freely available on the internet.

What does this say to an Atheist who is respectful of the Christian faith
to have the parter he/her loves reject them based on their beliefs of lack thereof?
It is not within everyone's power to alter what they believe at will,
but tolerance, understanding, and compromise is within everyone's power.

Hi Art
With respect, it isnt based on one verse but on the whole Bible. I respect and care about all people, but I would never marry a man who wasnt a believer because my faith is vital. My life and trust are in God, and marriage is so important that my spouse needs to share that as well. We pray togather, we encourage each other in our faith,we go to church together, we share the same moral values and we are walking the same path together. I have 3 very close friends who are married to non believers, and the closer they get to God the more of a struggle it is. They cannot share the most important thing in their lives, and they face opposition and indifference from their husbands.
God is very wise when he tell us not to marry non believers. Every Christian that I know who is married to a non believer regrets it, and longs to have a believing spouse. The Christian faith isnt like a hobby, it permeates every part of life. It is a whole way of life and of living.

The Bible is just as relevant today as it always was. Nothing has changed and God never changes. If he has always said that marrying a non believer is a bad idea then it still is.Why has that changed?

[Raymond]

I agree with that.

It is not intolerance to choose to marry a christian if you are a christian. How can two agree unless they walk together? The mistake here is weaker christians getting involved romantically with non christians and then realising later that it would not be wise to tie the knot.

I watched this on a programme "Dating in the Dark" or something. Only watched it once and don't normally. There was a christian that went through all the romantic moves and at the end walked away because of his faith. Why did he get involved in the first place and hurt the woman?

No one has set up rules that christians should not marry unbelievers but I would counsel personally and from scripture that it is unwise to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. One's faith needs to flourish and a believing spouse is a great help in this. It's a matter of putting God first really.

[chosen]

I agree that it isnt fair to get involved with a non believer, if you know that you wont marry them. I do know people, like that guy on dating in the dark, who have got involved with a non believer and then had to choose them or God. A few have been fortunate in that their partner did become a believer, a few married them anyway,and a few made the decision to split up.Surely the best thing is not to go out with anyone who isnt a believer, and just stay friends with them.
What do you think of that dating in the dark? I only saw it once and it made me feel really uncomfortable.

I always think that God made us, so He knows what is best for us. I guess if you dont believe in any sort of God Art, then that doesnt appply.

[Raymond]

I think you are right in not dating an unbeliever. If you look after the little things the big things will take care of themselves.

What do I think about dating in the dark? It was interesting that couples could not see each other so that they did not see the outward appearance and made judgements without that. Apart from that it was a bit frivolous and no way to prepare for marriage in my view. It was made for a television audience. I won't watch it again. My wife was uncomfortable like you. I suppose I should have been but kind of got interested in the outcome.

[chosen]

yes that can happen cant it Raymond, we want to know what happens!! From a few other snippets that I have seen when my son watched it a few times, the people got very touchy feely in the dark room and that made me very uncomfortable. I do wonder how hurtful it must be also that someone really likes you in the dark, and then rejects you because you are not beautiful or good looking enough, but then I suppose they know that may happen when they go onto it. I suppose you would need to be a pretty confident person to go onto it in the first place.

[Raymond]

Allowing a total stranger to touch and feel you in the dark shows you where they are coming from. It gives a false sense of an intimacy which isn't really there although part of it is trying to get a physical pictue of the other person.

[chosen]

yes I think that touching the face is fine, like a blind person may do, but from what I saw it was touching places that were rather intimate sometimes.

[Raymond]

Is that so? I never saw that, only a kiss, but can imagine it happening to make good TV perhaps.

[chosen]

It was a recent one.