Could she be having an affair...?

[tkarde2701]

Hello there, i hope someone can help. I may be jumping the gun a bit but i cant help but feel that my wife is having an affair.
We have been married for ten years and have two wonderful little boys one who has just turned 1. But lately I feel that our marriage is going down hill.

My wife has started to spend an awful lot of time away from home, usually after work. I cant help but think that she is up to something. At least four out of five working days she will stay out till late, sometimes not coming home untill 12 or 1 AM!! Most of the times she will say that she got carried away in the shops or she met some of her friends she hasnt seen for a while and went for drinks. The way she dresses has also changed and she looks like she is out to impress someone.

Now i find that a little hard to belive sometimes, for a start she doesnt have that much money in her bank account to spend to be out almost every nite!
I told her that i dont mind her going out every now and then but what she is doing is, i feel, unreasonable. I also have to remind her that i need help at home looking after the children, as it is not fair that she stays out all this time uneccessarily.

I even jokingly ask her if she is seeing someone else and she just laughs it off and says im just being stupid. But the feeling is still there that she might be upto something. The main reason i suppose is the fact that one friday night she came back at about 3-4 in the morning and then she received a text message on her phone. Out of curiosity, i just had to know what it said and to my surprise it said something like '..hope you got home safely darling...'. Now that could just be completely innocent, a close girl-friend maybe. Also she has conversations on her mobile phone behind closed doors, keeps her phone with her at all times, you get the idea.

So i hope someone can maybe shed some light on this, am i being paranoid? do i have anything to be worried about? I love my wife dearly but these kind of suspicions do not help.

Thanks in advance.

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello tkarde.
I don't like to say this but I feel your suspisions are grounded. Certainly something is not right here. It is perfectly normal behaviour for a Wife/Mum to want to go out occassionaly with friends, and stumble home sometimes at 1 - 2 pm, but only occassionaly. For a Mum to do it so frequently especially when there is a baby in need of her, suggests all is not well.
Gut instinct exists for a reason. Paranoia is different. I suggest that you ask your wife for an evening alone and have a good talk with her.

[hoxton]

Hi there,
Some women when they have a baby feel a bit trapped so there could be a chance that she is going to work and enjoying being a woman and not a mum or wife some women feel they need to find themselves, So there is a chance she is just having fun. . .

The other side is no one knows your wife like you do and you have a gut instinct that we all have even if your wife is not having an affair the fact is your marraige is obviously in a bit of trouble because if she is feeling the need to stay out to all hours in the morning something isnt right,
I think you need to sit down be honest and tell her how her behaviour is making you feel.

Did you confront her about the text ? If so how did she explane it ?

Tell her you are worried about your marraige and see how she reacts You will may find out a little more,

I hope all works out for you,

Amanda

[Kimberley]

Hi

I would say from your post almost certainly there is some one else in the background - key facts being out all the time, change of appearance txts are an especially common factor.

I would before confronting her any more keep checking the phone - and try when she goes out to pop in where ever she is supposed to be or drive past. I dont think it will be long before you have an answer. Get more evidence so that it cannot be laughed off - gut feelings are unfortunately often right.

If she is, how do you feel about that and can you forgive her. She seems to be out a lot of a mother of two 1 year old children - are you there carer is that what is stopping you checking up on her?

Take care and try and keep cool to you have more information

Kimberley

[hoxton]

Kimberley,
You are so right,
That is exactly what I would do, Follow her check her phone the writing is on the wall,

I still hope for your sake that she is just letting of steam,

follow your gut instinct, it is rarely wrong..............

[Emergency999]

Your instincts are telling you ultimately that something isn’t right with your marriage; the mere fact that your wife doesn’t consider you with her plans for the night isn’t acceptable, considering you are married. You need to remind her that you are both in the marriage together and now with children. These things need to always be considered, forget her trying to justify this with the reason of not having been able to have had fun because that’s not an acceptable excuse either, to be spending night out until god knows what hours is a road to a slippery destination. The issues with her being on the phone and avoiding you having closed conversations are bang out of order. Previously I had exactly the same situation occur with my relationship and in the end she was cheating. I don’t want to make you panic but read the signs and have these issues out with your wife now otherwise it might be to late, be firm but not don’t let her avoid these questions, get some answers. You mustn’t stand for it, basically by not addressing these issues you will probably allow the situation to deteriorate further. I wish you well, if I’m wrong then I’m sorry but all sounds fishy to me mate.

[London]

I tend to agree that there is something amiss here and that your fears may very well be grounded.

However, to condone "snooping" her phone and "stalking" her is tantamount to saying/admitting you no longer have any trust in her. If you do find your evidence in that manner - then what? Do you confront her and tell her how you got your info? You do realise what that would do? It would instantly kill any credibility you may have had before. And she will use that as an excuse to further distance herself from you.

But again, so you find firm evidence she is having an affair? You need to know what you are prepared to do. Have you given any thought that far down?

[tkarde2701]

Many thanks to all of you for your replies. I do hope i am wrong, but its just reading other posts and hearing similar things just puts horrible niggling thoughts and doubts in ones mind.
I have not confronted her about the text message as i want to make sure that there is something to be concerned about. Like i said, i have no problem with her going out with her friends but she seems to be taking liberties here!!

Kimberley, yes i suppose i am the carer when she isnt around, even when she is, she rather be doing other things, eg. on the phone, watching tv etc.
As much as i would like to go out with my friends, often i stay at home and look after the children. I dont mind, as they are my (our) responsibility so i cant get out and about. Our eldest boy is eight, and as he has grown older, my wife and i had managed to spend more time doing things together. But since our baby arrived, i think she has felt that she has had to give up her freedom that she had managed to gain.

One thing that doesnt help is some of her friends that she associates with are divorced women themselves, having split from their partners for some reason or another. Im sure she probably thinks that they are happy and carefree in their single lives, which i sometimes think she wishes she was (single and free).

However, i will be watching her like a hawk, (or something at least) but without 'snooping' or 'stalking'. In the mean time i will have a good long chat with her - if she will listen. I have just got to get this sorted.

Thanks.

[Kimberley]

Hi

Good luck - I caught my husband out on the phone because she had sent two text messages he wasnt quick enough to delete. Wont bore you with the details as my own thread is on the forum. It is often the key to it.

I know what is like being tied to children and having single friends I have been there and you want to be with the family and your husband but you want some adult fun time where you dont talk about play group and whats for tea and that kind of thing. Its a shame as it dosent sound like there has been much time for you two to go out as a couple together. Perhaps it might not be an affair just a cry for freedom where two people have grown apart and perhaps just become independent from one another it does happen.

Hope it all works out and try and keep you cool. When I found out my friend said go home throw a real wobbly and scream and cry and then wash your face and deal with it calmly and I did, it seemed to work although it took two goes because he denied it initially so I did not give away the source of information of the name but waited patiently and the next day ping their was a text saying how much she loved him and then I said thats it I know and you now tell me the truth and he relented but I notice some spouses keep up the denial for as long as possible as per other posts. Never can tell. Every one is different.

Dont be taken advantage of that and above all else ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Kimberley X

[Desperate]

Not sure if any of you are aware of this....but you can now "track" a mobile phone.....via your PC, u can find the location of that mobile phone (accurate to within 200 meters)...you get a map on your PC of the mobile phone location and can zoom in to get an approximate 200 meter location.

I did this with my mobile and left it in my wifes car.....hey presto....the B**C*!

If you want to track a mobile, there are several comapnies that provide this service via the internet...(just search "track mobile")very simple to set up. However, they will send a txt message to that same mobile with a code that you need to send back from that same mobile....this is to prevent unauthorised persons tracking. So make sure you have the phone so you can respond with the code. Hey, if your wife is having an affair, stuff the morality on this...it could answer your question.

[tan]

She could be having an affair but instead of making yourself sick with all the snooping etc, sit down with her and tell her of your concerns, explain that you are worried about her because she is acting out of character etc. Just really think about how to word it, are you ready to accuse? The two most dangerous words in the english language "assume" and "accuse".

[London]

Hey, if your wife is having an affair, stuff the morality on this...it could answer your question.

Yes, and the benefit is?

[Emergency999]

Personally, I think you do whatever you have to do to find out, at the end of the day the situation merits it. Your wife made a committment to you when she married you. Forget the whole thing that your being paranoid and that you have no right to be suspicious. It seems as though you have every right according to most people posting your thread. I think the company that your wife keeps might well have attributed to any situation, so you need to make sure that your wife isnt discussing your marriage in an open forum with them, thats where professionals help. Essentially, the reason for this is her friends are likely to back her side and justify to her that she is making the right choices and decisions etc. they are ulitimately bias towards her side in the situation.

One thing is though you have to be realistic and think first of how you would handle the worst case seneario. Because you have to be prepared to accept the whatever the truth. I think ulitmately the situation is very difficult and addressing it won't be easy, you will need to use examples and instances which have lead you to becoming suspicious and for drawing the conclusion you have.

Good Luck, I really do wish you well

[tkarde2701]

Thanks to all, your advice and comments are greatly appreciated. Well hopefully this weekend we will get to spend some much needed time together and discuss our future. Then i can find out what is really going on in side her head and whether she is upto no good. Will let you know what happens. Wish me luck.

[London]

Thanks to all, your advice and comments are greatly appreciated. Well hopefully this weekend we will get to spend some much needed time together and discuss our future. Then i can find out what is really going on in side her head and whether she is upto no good. Will let you know what happens. Wish me luck.

As i said elsewhere, you need to be "prepared" as to what you want out of this. If she is having an affair - what do you want? If she is not having an affair, then all these thoughts and "anger" you have been holding inside will no doubt affect the way you interact with her. Either way, the relationship has been tainted - how you react and what you want out of it will determine your interactions.

[brandy24]

Sounds like you have a cheater on your hands. There is no way a married woman should be coming home 2 or 3 times a week at 4 in the morning. Thats ridiculous. If you ask.. she will deny. Who doesn't want there cake and ice cream too. You have been letting her get away with this behaviour for a while. My husband hovers over his cell phone as well. I have caught him with 3 text messages.. 2 very sentuall. Was he cheating??? Yes! I know it hurts but snooping will only make yourself more curious.

[blackbeard]

I tend to agree with all here, I suspected my wife after finding explicit texts on her phone, she claimed it was a joke got out of hand, and well I resorted to sort of bugging my own house to find out what was going on, all the fdetails are in my original post on here but my suspicions were right. I have never told her that I did this and she still denies it even though I have now moved out, she will never admit to it and I have decided that if she can't be honest about it then there is no need for her to know how I discovered it. Much better now I can watch her continue lying to all and sundry about it so that when it does come out she will have dug her self in so deep there will be no where for her to go! That is no more than she deserves!!

[Me Too]

Hello there,

There was a very interesting article in The Times this week regarding this sort of situation. Here are the links:

First article (of two) (http://women.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,17909-2195328.html)
Second article (from the male perspective) (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-2195327,00.html)

They may be of some use to you. Hope you get things sorted in due course.

All the best,

MT