Dave, I for one agree...

[Helen]

...that the sanctity of marriage should be preserved first and foremost. I also agree that Kate (and you and Liz) give up your time to run this board and advise and support people tirelessly. But so do many of us members. It is very easy to say that we joined in on a thread where some of us were being flamed, but it is clear that many people could see that the attack was unfair and were doing their best to support the individual under attack because they know how bad they would feel in the same circumstances. Besides, by that juncture, we has asked for, and could have done with, admin support (at the very least, to inform the flamer that their conduct was unacceptable). And we got none.

I, for one, am not grumpy. Indeed, I rarely am! But if you read back the thread in question, you will see that the flaming was completely unjustified and out of order. What are members expected to do in that situation? Just sit back and take it? Ignore it? How do you ignore certain members who hound an individual from thread to thread, for no reason other than to stir up an argument? If you know the secret, please tell us all!

You said if we are unhappy with the way the board is being moderated, we should go elsewhere. Very nice of you to suggest this (and then close the thread, so that there is no opportunity for further rebuttal), especially since you must know there are precious few boards like this on the web. No matter. I personally am inclined to go elsewhere because the message that is implicit in your post is 'flaming is to be endured without comment - by anyone but the mods' (who don't comment or do anything much until the damage is done). It doesn't seem to matter if it is justified or not. Unsurprisingly, I don't agree! If we disagree, we disagree. It should not matter who we disagree with. The only thing that matters is we are grown ups and disagree in a civilised manner. This I urged in the thread where I got flamed and it got me nowhere.

In terms of advice, like the mod/admin team, I urge some to work on marriage. Others I recognise (as does London) as hopeless cases at the outset. If a person has done everything they can and a spouse is still disinterested, what are they clinging on to? In that respect, I agree with London (although I would not sanction an affair but only because I know how much it hurt me when I found out that my ex was having his affair...)

I wish you, Liz and Kate no malice and wish to thank everyone for the support they have given me over the months since my own marriage went kaput. I do note that the advice to me was similar - about finding ways to rebuild trust in the face of my husband's unreasonable behaviour and his affair. Helloooo! As well as being an immature, temperamental idiot, my ex had an affair with my BROTHER'S WIFE!!! There is no way back from that, purely because he betrayed me in more ways than sexually AND SHE WAS FAMILY! I agree that many things can be overcome after an affair but not everything. So perhaps it is time to rethink this 'one size fits all' trend in advice giving?

Just a thought...


Helen

[shadow]

But so do many of us members. It is very easy to say that we joined in on a thread where some of us were being flamed, but it is clear that many people could see that the attack was unfair and were doing their best to support the individual under attack because they know how bad they would feel in the same circumstances.

I agree, we all know who the trouble maker was, and not all post by members that joined in were only adding fuel to the fire, the was many posts in that arguement where they remained calm, but the ones that didnt, I dont blame them, it is only right to stand up for oneself, and it is in my human nature if I see one that is unfairly being lashed at I will stand in and defend a person. Like I hope they would for me. Treat others like you wanted to be treated.

If we disagree, we disagree. It should not matter who we disagree with. The only thing that matters is we are grown ups and disagree in a civilised manner

I agree with you. everyone will disagree on some things, but we are still human and sometime it might get a little heated, but the mature part is when to let it go and let by gones be by gones.

I have tried to stress on here that we will get many types of answers to our question, and as you said Dave on your post is exactly what I have said, the ones you dont like you will just ignore and listen to ones that make sense. It is up to the one asking which advice he wants to try. And I dont think any "member or moderator" should "lash" out at another advice weather they think it is wrong or not. What is right for one might not be right for another.

I dont know if you meant it come out this way or not dave maybe I took it the wrong way today, but your post made it sound like us members advice dont matter, what little time I have been here I have not seen that many there there, I have seen alot of wake up and smell the coffee. If I ask for advice I will read all the replies, but I have found that members that have walked in my shoes are better at it cause they have been there and understand over someone with education. Just because they have learned something from a book, dosnt mean nothing until you have actually walked in the others shoes and have felt their pain. I from experience can tell you that your tune will change when you do.

I have no probs with any of the moderates, I do like Kate but I do think us members have alot of input that really makes sense to. And our advice are just as good and sometime better, the moderates are trying hard to help everyone with all sorts of problems, weather they have been there or not, and they are doing a good job at it but us members answers, at least I am, the ones that I can personally relate too.

[vtec180]

People please I understand the need to express one's opinions and feelings but I am here to be helped and to help those I can. If I am correct that is the purpose of this forum and I think we are losing site of the objective.

Think about this sum 1 new comes to this site rite now for help and is close to suicide cause their life has just been turned upside down? is this the community that will offer some solace and a listening ear? I know it is and have experienced it but rite now it doesn't seem like it. There is a lot of value in other ppl's experiences and pain and we are here to share that with each other so that we can grow and become better ppl. So that we can realise where we went wrong or where your spouses went wrong.

This according to me is the reason we are here and getting personal or having a members VS Mods scenario is not condusive to achieving our goals.Instead of thinking about who said what think about helping the ppl who need it. I believe every one should have their say and the owner of the thread needs to make a decision on which route to follow or not to follow any. that is their decision. But please keep your resonses real and objective and don't post whimsical or derogatory remarks as this just causes more pain and shows that you don't care.

JUST MY 2 CENTS WORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dave]

Thanks Vtec180, you have put it very nicely. These threads are not helping the people that really matter, so I'll close this one, as I closed the last.

Regards

Dave