Husband lies

[Naomi]

How can I forgive someone that I feel is still lying to me, that my gut tells me he is lying to protect himself. I want to forgive and move on, but he doesn't understand that lying is hurting the relationship and no matter what i want to move forward but this seems to be holding us back. The lies are about smaller things like pornography but they still lead me to question if there are bigger lies and its hard to discern when he is truthful because he is very good at lying.

[shadow]

Did he have a affair that you are trying to forgive him for???

He needs to be made aware of that even the littlest white lie about anything right now is not good when there is a trust issue, even the smallest will make us doubt other things. Tell him that it is very important right now in rebuilding the marriage that there is complete honesty about everything. Without it forgiving is going to be hard, sweeping the doubts under the rug is bound to build up and slow down the healing and will eventually blow in the future.

[Naomi]

No he never had an affair, and I know that my problem is my past relationship with an ex-husband that was both sexually abusive and cheated all the time interferes (my baggage)

My instincts tell me that he only lies about porn which I have heard a lot of men lie about and really the porn is not the issue but the lies are the issue. I think that he has a hard time with telling me the truth because my ex husband used porn to abuse me and try to get me to do humiliating things (really bad things) so he lies because he can't give up porn but doesn't want to hurt me.

being that I have struggled with a violent past with a immoral ex husband, my mind gets conflicted from what the truth in life should be. and I guess I am looking for clarity, should this be something that I leave alone and allow my husband in time to see? Should i even be hurt, because I am, but should I be so overwhelmed with these thoughts like I am or am I taking them out of proportion? So many questions and I am already deeply affected by PTSD so I have a hard time discerning what I should be thinking and what i should be able to accept and move on.

[scrapnpepper]

I too did what your husband has done but my porno on the internet was for infatutation and just plain weirdness of it all.I never had intensions of acting on it.I still love my wife dearly as well as sexually,Its hard to explain the vast information and pic you can find.I realised it was wrong and never went there again.You should talk to your husband and write out guidelines of whats appropate and whats not,Sit down and draw up a contract of what is expected in the marriage and to make sure all is followed you can both benifit from this because its in writing and it can be reviewed when problems arise,Instead of a fight breaking out,Break out the contract and you both can discuss what has been broken and how to fix it.contracts can have amendments.and are a powerful tool that is in writing not from memory that can be forgotten over time .I wish my wife and I could do this I would keep me on the straight and narrow down the road. jason

[shadow]

How long have you and your hubby been together???

I can understand about bring luggage from another relationship. My first husband was a very physically abusive with me. When me and my husband got together I would flinch, expecting to be hit, it was just a reaction, and I saw the pain in my husband eyes from me evening think he would hit me, but I couldnt help it. But with time came the trust that I did have just had to get over the reaction. And now my history is just that history.

It does sound like your husband is just trying to protect you knowing your past, he just dosnt realize that the way he is doing it is making it worse.

You spoken to him about it??

If so what was said???

Did you say no more porn???

If so, can you work out a happy medium?? Not to watch it constantly but every once in while???? Couple of times a year my hubby and me will watch one together, it dosnt bother me, but if he had to watch it constantly I know it would, would make me feel like I wasnt attractive enough to get him excited, but the few times we do dont bother me a bit.

If you didnt then just tell him that he is so sweet and you love him so much for trying to protect you but the way he doing it is making it worse cause the lies hurt you more. Tell him that you do not mind that he catches one once in while but dont try to hide the fact, in doing that it hurts worse.

[Naomi]

Thanks for the replies.

Its rather complicated about the pornography as far as the questions are concerned, I will try to answer what I can.

I think btw a contract would be a good idea, I am not sure myself what fully I can accept though.

It has been 5 years after I left my abusive ex husband, but the abuse was bad and I am not sure if that should matter.

The pornography he used was general pornography but he used it to brainwash me (the ex husband) and it has had a toll on my mental health.

I have been pretty open with my now husband about the issues and he knows where I lay my boundaries which is that we have watched the pornography that teaches couples and they use real couples because this pornography although they do the same things (sometimes even more because its educational) I am ok watching with him.

The problem is if you read my response to this thread http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2884
that he wants to do it by himself and he wants I think more than what i can give him as far as what I am able to give considoring my past... and more than that he at one time denied me of sex for a year and a half except perhaps once a month... taking away all intimacy both sexually and mentally... but this has been resolved, yet it affects me and the fact that I know he still lies...

I just need to know if this is something I should be forgiving knowing he will still lie to me about this and look at pornography sometimes perhaps choosing it over me. If it is how? I want to forgive I love him dearly and don't want to give up on us but yet every day I hurt because of this and my trust in him gets smaller and smaller in all ways, I feel seporated from him spiritually and don't feel as if we are a real couple because there is not the trust. I can accept he will succumb to porn every once in a while, and while i can't say its ok because of my own situation I can say its ok to succumb and forgiveable but the thing that isn't is the lies and I have told him that the lies are what is really hurting and I understand humans will succumb to these things...

does any of that make sense or did I confuse people more