No Romance

[red_stephers]

I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I have tried everything I can think of to get my husband to pay more attention to me. I have had completely honest conversations with him, letting him know how I feel. That I feel alone, that he doesn't romance me anymore, rarely have sex and when we do there's no fire. Even though I've been honest there's no change from him. I have tried doing new things in the bedroom, tried seducing him, tried doin things in everyday life to make him feel special and loved, hoping to get a response back, still nothing. We have a wonderful friendship and I love him, but I'm feeling my needs are not being met and I find my mind wanderin towards infidelity.
What do I do, I'm starting to lose all hope.:(

[vtec180]

Hi red whatever u do steer you're mind away from infidelity there are other ways to get his attention and to have you're needs as well as his needs met. the worst thing you could do would be to have an affair it destroys marriages. I am trying to save my marriage after cheating on my wife and it hurts me to see how I have hurt her and my kids. there's a lot of info on this site as well as on marriage.com about rebuilding and rekindling that flame. I suggest you focus you're attentions on these rather than starting to look outside to have you're needs met.There are plenty of ppl on this site from both sides of the coin, the cheaters and the cheated and it is simply not worth it.as far as a quick answer to solve you're problems. I don't have one just warning you of the dangers.

[Desperate]

Red, I second everything VTEC180 says...steer well away from affairs!!!!!!!!. They absolutely destroy marriages.

I too am suffering the effect of an extra-marital affair my wife is having and am devastated. It has almost destroyed me. My marriage is over. Just don't do it, get help. Sit him down and tell him you are desperately unhappy in your marraige, tell him you want to attend counseling (Relate offer this)...be firm with him and make your feelings clear. Communicate but avoid affairs. The way I see it, if you want to see someone else, get divorced first!!

[London]

Red, I second everything VTEC180 says...steer well away from affairs!!!!!!!!. They absolutely destroy marriages.

Unfortunately for Red, staying in a sexless, attentionless, romanceless union is destroying THEIR marriage.

Red, you may need to consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not. If you don't, the answer is easy. If you do, then there aren't that many options open to you. And believe it or not, an affair may not be a bad thing.

[vtec180]

Well London I don't want to get on a high horse here but I have experienced what this does to some one you Love and would not wish this on any one. Red if you're feelings of unhappiness are that great and you have explored other options, Then try again, You might be so close to the new relationship and then you give up. Do you still love each other???? If so it is worth the effort. I do not agree with London and feel that if the damage has been done and you give up then and only then consider divorce or try a managed seperation. Maybe this is the wake up call that is needed to pull ur partner out of his comfort zone. But my 2 cents worth says try and try again do not give up!!!!!!

[hoxton]

Hi Red,

You sound like you have tried everything, I agree with London maybe you need to really sit down and think whether you want to be in this marriage,
If you can save it then I think you should try ( some people walk out to easily )

But if your H is adamant he does not want to make an effort or does not want to meet your needs then you need to think about moving on.

Life is to short to be unhappy,and to feel unloved.

But sayig that Vtec180 is right stay away from affairs all they do is cause a lot of heart ache and pain.

If you want out then leave and start affresh but to see someone while you are still with your H will be a wrong move.

Hope all works out for you.
Amanda.

[Kate]

Hang on here. yes we all want happiness in our marriage, but I for one didn't promise on my wedding day for better or better, but for better or worse.

Red I'm not saying you must stay miserable because you promised to be faithful, but i don't believe that a married person should just leave or be unfaithful because their spouse is letting them down. There are other ways - why not have a look at some of the enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov). Take a look at the relationship basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/) and see whether you and your husband have the same love language (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html).

An affair will not solve any of your problems - it will just add to the pain that is already there in your marriage. Don't give up - keep trying!


Kate

[hoxton]

Red

Everyone should work at their marraige,
as I said (to many people walk out to easily)

But I also stated that no one should have to be in a unhappy marraige indeffinatly,

You should allways try but if the person you are with does not want to try then you have to decide,
Live unhappy and except things the way they are or leave.
There is no point in beating a dead horse as they say.

I hope thing's can be resolved for you.

Amanda.

[shadow]

Red,

Whatever you do.... do not go for the affair. It is the worst thing you can do and in my opionion it is morally wrong.

Make sure that you have done 100% and more to make your marriage work, make sure that your husband is very aware that you are dead serious, that he is not meeting your emtional needs. Do not expect it all to change over night, but look for little things to change a little at a time. Try to get him to open up and find out why he is the way he is? Is there some emotional need that needs to be met, has something happened that you are not aware of that caused him to put up a wall???

Talk to him when you are calm, let him know that you will listen to him with a open mind, and that you love him and want to make it work but it is a two way street. And what you need to make you happy, be realistic with your needs, yes we all want romance every day, we want passion and fire every day.

Start with telling him your needs (making sure you let him know that you want to know his needs too), and how important they are to you.

Tell him that you dont expect him to overwhelm you every single minute with passion and romance but you need to see things change gradually. That you are not looking for him to buy you diamonds and gold, that you want little things, like snuggling on the couch once in while to watch a good movie, taking walks holding hands. A kiss and saying that you will missed while he heads off to work.

Tell him that you guys need to get the line of communcations open, and then talk about everything. Sit close to each and make alot of eye contact when talking, and talk about everything. Really listen to him, and make sure you let him know that your interested in every word he has to say, and the same with him. It will be the most important part is the comminuncation, and if you get him to open up, dont get upset if he tells you something you do not want to hear, cause it is his feelings, if they are wrong or unfair talk about what would make you both happy with how to change things, it goes both way.

It has to be about both, not one sided.

If you are still unhappy and you know that you gave and gave and he did not try and you know with out a doubt that he understood, then maybe you should think about a time apart for a bit to think clearly on both side.

Having a affair will end all the chances and is wrong, my opionion based on not my reglious belief, cause I do not have strong ties, just want I feel is morally right and wrong. if you cant make it work leave first, get yourself in a better place before starting a new realationship.

[Naomi]

I was in your situation a short while back, my husband was distancing because of his addiction to pornography, I think that he distanced himself emotionally and sexually out of the guilt and also wanting to feel entitled to continue the pattern by creating a reaction inside of me.

Perhaps this may be the same with your husband maybe not pornography but perhaps he is caught in some sort of pattern inside. It could also be that he feels unresolved about something, my husband has told me that this played a part in our relationship, it was like a vicious cycle, he would pull away I would get angry and confront him and he would pull away even more, this is actually a term called pursuar/distancer.

There are still problems now in my relationship with my husband but not this one mainly my resentment for this one, but he has moved on from this. I think the reason he made changes was that he was willing to see what he was doing, and to a degree I was willing to see the areas that I may have pressed too hard, not blaming myself because it was his problem but to see how I could change myself in the situation and trying to make things better as far as backing away.

If you both love each other and you are able to communicate and willing to start to change yourselves before each other this probably will start to change in time, thats how it did for me. One person said something I felt was really smart: "we live in a society where we pace in front of the microwave" meaning that we expect these changes right away but it takes time and some understanding on the side of the person being hurt. Its hard to understand this but there is some things that can bring out understanding, realizing that its thier problem and you are still the person they loved at the beginning.

I know that it takes away a lot of confidence when the person you loves rejects you, may make you feel unattractive and blame yourself but in all reality its thier problem and probably they are avoiding something inside.

There are a few boards online if you look up the term "sexless marriage" there is a forum that you can find online and post there, I used to post there until this problem was solved (wish I still had the url)

Cheating, this is a normal feeling and want I went through it towards the end of this frustration, its about not feeling attractive and of course the pent up frustrations of not alleviating the urges. Its about anger because your angry for being denied something you have a right to and you are being in a sense controlled by him by being denied this because obviously if he is witholding both emotional and sexual intimacy he is doing it to control your feelings to a degree. I went through a fantasy stage where I would see an attractive man and fantasize that I cheated with him (strange sounding I know) but when it came down to it I was given an opportunity and i passed it up out of my love for my husband, I think in a sense my being open with this urge helped him to also (in time becuase at first he backed even further away) wake up to what he needed to do in this part of our marriage.

Naomi

[Naomi]

oh just one more note, a lot of my husband not giving me sex had to do with his passive-aggressiveness you may want to check into this and see if he is, if he is I recommend the book "living with a passive aggressive man" by Scott Wetzler. It sounds like he may not with the positives you wrote about him but if he is this may help.