Have I Made A Big Mistake??

[Marinda]

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, having been married for nearly 10 of those. We have no children. I have loved my husband dearly, but our marriage began to stagnate over the past two or so years. My husband has always been there for me, provided security for me, he has never harmed me, he doesn't do drugs and hardly ever drinks....but we seem to have drifted apart and I have felt that I have been alone in this marriage now for some time. He seemed to have become more irritable over the past two years and even though we lived in the same house, we didn't really spend much time together, as lovers or a husband and wife should do. We hardly ever went out and did things. I was very bored and lonely. I know my husband is a good man and I knew he loved me, I just didn't realise how much until very recently...but I'll get to that.

The result of all of this is that I ended up having an affair at work. I never set out to do this, honestly. I have known and worked with this other man over several years and our friendship became stronger as my marriage became weaker. About 7 months ago, this friendship became intense and we are now having a full blown affair. I have found that spark again, he is giving me everything I feel I wasn't getting from my husband. I am fairly certain I have fallen in love with him. He too is separated and has a 12 year old daughter.

My husband found out about my affair just after New Years. I have since moved out of the house (separation) and am sharing a house with two female friends. I am continuing my affair with the new man in my life.

My hubby has been devastated by what has happened. Since moving out, hubby and I attended several marriage counseling sessions, where I found out things I never new, things I really wish I had known before. I never knew how much my husband loved me, because he seldom used to say the words. I never knew that he too felt that our marriage was in need of a kick-start. I have never seen my husband so emotionally destroyed like this and it has hurt me terribly. I feel so incredibly guilty, sad, deceiptful. I know now that I misunderstood the depths of the feelings my husband has had for me. I know he he is in incredible pain, he seems to go from one emotion to another within days, sometimes hours and this has really confused me. I don't know whether he loves me or hates me, whether his reactions are a result of the betrayal and pain he is experiencing or what!! He keeps telling me that he loves me and that he is just very messed up.

He tried to get me to come back, to give our marraige a chance. I felt he was pushing me, putting me under pressure and this has pushed me further away from him.

The problem I have is that I am in love with the new man in my life. I haven't felt these feelings in a long time. I still love my husband but am not sure I'm in love with him. I wanted time to decide where I wanted to go in my life. I know that I have been terrified at the thought of going back to my marriage, terrified at losing my new love and ending up in a marriage that is good for a while, then goes bad again. But I have also been terrified of losing my husband and my best friend. Although the past few years have been very dull to say the least, I have fond memories of our love and experiences together.

I have told my husbnad that I have no interest in reconciling our marriage, that I want out. But the truth is that I am not 100% certain of this just yet. I feel I need time to get to making this decision. But in the interim, my husband is having a hard time coping...I know his self-esteem has been affected and he feels like he is second prize. But I can't pretend that the situation is any other way. Waht also upests me is that I don't think my hubby understands the pain I am going through as well. He thinks this is all about him but I too am suffering.

My heart tells me that I should turn the page and start a new chapter in my life. But it's not easy coming to terms with this and I am terrified of making a mistake, of losing my partner of 13 years and my best friend during that time.

Can anyone help me? Has anyone been in this position before? Am I doing the right thing here or should I have tried working on my marriage first, even when I am very much in love with the new man in my life? Please, any help you can give me would be welcomed. Thanks, Marinda

[Lost & Empty]

Marinda, I just had to respond to your post as it's almost identical to the situation I found myself in.

You seem to have made your decision already. I guess we each have to go with what we feel is right. Can I ask though why you left the marriage counceling so late? Did you communicate your feelings to your husband and give him the chance to understand the issues? This may seem a bit blunt but it sounds like you were both drifting apart, but you chose to have an affair rather than address the issues at hand. Your hubby is also to blame for not talking as well, but perhaps he didn't realise how desperate your situation was?

I might sound unreasonably defensive of the man in this affair but for good reason. I too did what you have done and lived to regret this. Almost 12 months to this day, I left my hubby for the same reasons. I met a man, a work colleague who just did it for me. My heart fluttered, I had those butterflies, those intense feelings. Wow, it was wonderful, we seemed to have so much in common. After about 3 months of separation, my hubby couldn't take anymore and filed for divorce. I didn't see or talk to my husband much during the 1st 4 months of our separation. We only spoke when we were sorting out the finances.

Just after that 4 months, I realised what a stupid mistake I had made, how much I missed my husband and how much I loved him. This came out of no where, like a ghostly shadow and it hit me very, very hard. Things were going fine with my new love but I guess that once the excitement of the affair was over, once all was known to everyone and once I really knew I was about to lose the man I committed my life to, it hit home. My God, did that hurt!!

I tried to do a U turn, I told my husband that he was right, that running away from our marriage problems would mean I'd just take those same issues with me throughout my life. I told him I loved him and that I was very, very, very sorry for not having given him a chance and that I wanted to try again, that I thought it was worth it. I was still with my new love then but didn't tell him I was hoping to reconcile with my hubby.

Unfortunately, I hadn't realised the damage caused, since I hadn't communicated with my hubby much. I learnt he had lost his job because of his emotional state, he had had to put the house on the market as he couldn't afford the mortgage, he had spent 10 days in a pysco ward after attempting to end his life. His eyes were empty, his face pale and he had lost a lot of weight. He had gone beyond being an emotional wreck. I can't tell you how I felt when I saw him. I felt incredible guilt, hurt and sadness at what I had done to him. I was shaking and burst out crying, I tried giving him a hug but he withdrew from me. He didn't say anything, he just looked right through me as if I wasn't there!

I spent the next month trying to meet with him (he was staying with a friend at that time) but it was difficult, he was very reluctant. My new love found out about my intentions .... actually, i told him. Understandably, he left me but I was suprised that this did not hurt as much as the hurt I had experienced with my hubby.

I eventually managed to have a conversation with my husband and told him how desperately sorry I was for what I had done, for not having communicated my feelings to him, for not giving him a chance, for deceiving him and betraying him. Like I am there right now, I can see the tears welling up in his eyes, his broken frame shaking in the chair. He told me in a soft voice that I had died in his heart months ago and that he didn't want to reconcile our marriage. I was devastated because I could see in his eyes it was over.

In December 2005, my husband ended his life.

There is not a minute that goes by when I do not think of my husband, of what I did to him. I am in tears almost always. My life has been shattered. I never got the chance to hold him, to tell him how much I loved him. He was my soul mate in every sense of the word and now he is gone. My life will never be the same.

Marinda, be sure of what you are doing. Do not make the same mistake I have made. Be very sure of your decision. If you have love for your husband, surely it is worth fighting for? Life can be incredibly cruel. I will live the rest of my days empty and heartbroken for a love I had and a love I killed.

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Marinda.
Wow, I think you have a tough one here. I would like to say, right now, that you will no doubt get some scorn from this forum, but that has to be expected and understood. Many people here are in your husbands position and are full of pain and hurt. Anger too. This might be reflected in some responses so be aware of that and accept their opinions if only for your husbands sake. Yours too actually, It might help you see things from your Husbands perspective.
Anyway. That said. I do believe you have a huge problem to deal with. Loving two guys. I think it is quite possible to love two men at the same time, getting from each one quite different things. But it is paramount that you realise if you love either of them at all. To be exact, In love with either of them!
Yes you love your husband. He has been a good man. Provided and maintained a stable and secure home and lifestyle for you. He has loved you and looked after you, never hurt you and always been there to the best of his capacity for you. Unfortunately he sounds set in his ways, and has probably relaxed with regards to showering you with attention and seeing the need for nurture and romance. Excitement too. He cannot be blamed for this. He just did what the majority of us do. He forgot. He forgot that a good relationship always needs attention to keep it good. We all are guilty of this from time to time. Some of us realise before damage is done and apply. Some of us don't. Sometimes we don't see the wood for the trees. Until it is too late. I think in your husbands case, albeit he said he had also realised things were not going to well, he realised this either too late or had no idea how to fix it. I feel for him, but I don't throw blame at you. I imagine you love your husband very much for the man he has been and is. But as you said, you don't think you are in love with him. I also think, You don't actually know. I think that maybe if he said "ok, I will leave and you will never see me again", your heart might break.
This new man in your life. Are you in love with him like you say. Or is it maybe just that he brings excitement and passion to your life where it has been so lacking. Do you confuse the laughs, excitement, good sex, going out and being adored, as feelings of love. I say this with no malice, but do you believe in your heart that in a year or two, this new man of yours would still be giving you these feelings of tremulation. Maybe, maybe not. I don't have an answer to that, but it is something you need to consider.
If you could regain the passion in your marriage, would the thought of growing old with your husband, a man who adores you and knows you incredibly well, loves you regardless and will always look after you, does not the thought of growing old together not hold any emotion for you.
You see, I think, to determine how we love a man is by knowing in our hearts that "Yes, this is the man I want to grow old with. This is the man I know I will grow old with.I cannot see my life without this man by my side"
Ask that of yourself about your husband. Ask that of yourself about your new Man. Ask that of yourself about either of them.
My advice to right now would be this. STOP seeing either of them. for a while. If you have the opportunity to get away for a while, be it just a long weekend (Easter is soon, if you are working then you have the bank holidays off) then get away and have some really big thinking time without the influence of either of them. Think long and hard. Who and what do you want? He sounds loving and is no doubt trying very hard to be understanding, but very soon, your husband just might take the decisions out of your hands.

[AlwaysGreen]

Lost,
I am so sorry to hear what you have just said. I cannot say anything that you don't already know. Sadly for you you will live with the pain of your lost husband for ever. Sometimes in life we make decisions that we believe are the right ones to make. How the hell are we meant to know. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the confusion you went through that resulted in tremendous pain and consequences.
Society has said there are rules to follow and ways for things to be done correctly. I agree to the best part. But sometimes, I believe in your case as well as Marinda's, our heart and head can get it big time wrong. Not with deliberate intention, but because that is what makes sense in your head at the time. What made you see another man when you had a good husband. What made you have an affair and leave your husband. Sometimes, without logic, there is no way of knowing the right answer to that question. What is making Marinda think the same way. I don't suppose she really knows.
I hope she reads your post. I hope she sees.
Oh Lost, I am so very sorry. You have learnt the biggest lesson the hardest possible way.

[hoxton]

Lost,
I have been close to tears reading your post,
What a devestating thing to have happen,
I second everything Always green has said I too hope Miranda reads your post,

Miranda I too think maybe you should have some space away from both men because even though you have all the butterflys of a new relationship what is to say that once the honeymoon period is over that you wont be in the same boat as you are in with your H,
In order to make things work with your H you will need to break from the other man completely it will never work if he is in the back ground.

Look at what happend to Lost, It hits home that as much as you might be hurting it is not as much as what your H is going through, And sometimes you can cause to much damage that there is no return So think and be sure it is what you want. This is three peoples lives that are all going to be turned upside down on what you choose to do,

Hope things work out for you and your H,
Amanda

[Liz]

Miranda and Lost

How incredibly sad your stories are! They remind me that in marriage even when two people drift apart they are still held together by a deep and strong bond. Why do we hide from each other just how much we mean to each other, I wonder, until it's too late.

I think it must be more than just affection of the heart. I believe there is something about the commitment of marriage which makes the break even more painful, than if just the emotions are involved.

Marinda, we are all looking for happiness, to know that we are loved and needed, but we also have responsibilities to others too. Many of us in our vows commit to love through the good and bad times and to forsake all others. I don't know what commitment you made when you married, but for me those vows have taken me through some dark and difficult times. The result of remaining true to what really matters to me has brought me through to a greater joy and contentment. I do encourage you to think about more than just what you think you need right now in terms of short term happiness. In the long run, will you be most at peace about going to your exciting new love or working through your differences with your husband and staying true to the commitment you made to him?

You talk about no longer being in love with your husband - that can be changed. Your feelings of being in love are not the only indicator of a healthy relationship. How long before you don't feel in love with your new man? Then what?

Don't be surprised by the strength of feelings and the changing emotions that your husband has. Would you expect any less from him after what has happened?He is trying to come to terms with your betrayal, with his own turmoil as to whether he should have acted differently, with what the future might hold.

I wish you well and wisdom in your decisions.

Liz

[Martha]

Just joined this forum.... what an incredibly sad posting, it's had me in tears. Be kind on yourself Lost, you were not to know. I will pray for you.

Miranda, it must be difficult for you but I know which decision I would make.

A man who loves me, my husband. A man who committed his life to me, who has given me 13 years of that. A man who wants his wife back. A man who has no children (do he or you want them?) A man who made a few simple mistakes, who maybe got complacent, who like almost all of us forgot to work at the marriage.

Or...a man who is separated. A man who's own marriage failed (takes 2 to tango no matter what he tells you) A man who has baggage (do you really want someone elses children when you could have your own with your H?)

Whatever your decision, be compasionate with your H. No matter what pain you are going through, it will come nowhere close to the trauma he will be going through right now. You think you know his pain but I guarantee you really have no idea. I've been there and I am the affected party in my case. I must say that I get angry when a spouse can say that they are in pain when they are the ones who had the affair. How much does it hurt when you are in your new lovers arms? Sorry but this is hard for me to understand.

[Desperate]

Miranda, I can't believe how similar your thread reads to how my wife is now. I don't want to judge you or criticize you but please could you read my new posting in the marriage help section...I can't understand how women think and I'm desperate for some help. Seems you are in a similar position to my wife so maybe you can give me an idea of what is going on with her and maybe some ideas on how I can handle my grief? Please, I'd be very grateful.

[guccijuicy]

I am so sorry to hear about your lost. No words can express the way that made you feel about what happened in your life. I am so sorry. Even though I have never met you, my heart goes out to you and I will definetely pray for you. But to the person who started this thread. I too left my husband back in February 2005, our marriage had its problems and I was having an affair with this guy who I thought was the best thing that ever came into my life. When I moved that first night at my new place, the new guy was there, he made sure that everything was in order, he did all the unpacking, he washed my hair, bathed my body and made me feel great about being with him. I thought I had hit the jackpot, he was doing things and saying things to me that my husband had never, ever said to me.

OOh, but how soon did all that change. Not only did this man want to control every thing that I did in my life, he wanted to put his hands on me also to show me how much he cared about me. I mean it didn't take long before he true colors came out. I thought I was in love with this man, but as soon as he was not able to control me or I had something to do without him, there was a problem, he began very ugly, very possessive, very jealous and when i told him I needed some space, he lost it.

By the time I realized what mistake I had made for leaving and realizing that things between me and my husband was not that bad, it was a little too late. My husband was content on being without me and my son, he re-decorated our home to his own liking, having women over, there is another child from a one-night stand, and now he is seeing someone. No words can tell you how that makes me feel each day. However, I am getting through it with the help of family and support of friends. I have also found peace in God, I have gone back to church and found a lot of help reading the bible. I am not completely over my marriage, but each day is a better day. Some days are bad, but when I had good days that are good and when they are bad days then they are bad ones.

The reason I even say that is because if you have a chance, take the chance, it will not hurt to just try. How I pray that my husband would want to try with me, he doesn't mind having sex with me, but he doesn't want our marriage (right now as he says).

Try to make it work if it can work.

[Desperate]

Oh my dear Lord, Lost. I hadn't read your posting. Your story has brought me to tears....I'm so awfully sorry for you.

Why does love have to be so cruel. I will pray for you too tonight Lost, my thoughts will be with you and my grief in all my prayers. God Bless you.

[Broken Wings]

Just joined....very sad indeed. Losts' story really puts things in perspective. Hope others read this before making their choices.

[shadow]

Miranda,
Here is something to think about......

The feeling you have for the other man is overwhelming, as always in a new realationship. Think back to when you and your first met and feel in love with your husband.

In the beginning of a realationship it is always very exciting, its new, but with time comes the bonding the friendship, being comfortable enough with that person, to satisfy each other. It always changes and hopefully it changes for the best.

As time goes by this realationship will change, and when it does are you going to be happy with the man you chose???? Or will you go look for a new realationship to get that first time feeling back and repeating the cycle again and again???

You really need to soul search......

do you still love your husband?

are there things that you did that made your husband change and act the way he does?

did you really try a 100% to talk to your husband and give him time to try and make the marriage work???

Could the new man just be a exciting passionate sex and nothing else and you might be confused between just the physical attraction and love??

When the new wears down on the sex do you think you will be very happy with the man? Besides in bed is he going to make you happy in every way????? Keep in mind that people are not the same when you live day in and day out with them, that is where real love is