Where to go from here?

[tamara]

I have been married for nearly 20 years. My husband and I almost never fight or argue and we enjoy doing many things together. The problem is that I have built up an emotional wall when it comes to him - due to prior affairs and other stuff I will not mention. I have built the walls to protect myself from being hurt when he does these things. I feel I am a very fogiving person and that is why we are still together. The walls I have put up have caused him to feel that he is not getting the love and affection that he needs, and he is now 'asking' for permission to see someone else - to get what he needs. My response to this was that I understand his feelings and that I am willing to work on being more loving and 'taking down the walls' - but that I would not give him permission to see someone else and if he chooses to do so that I feel we should just get divorced so that he would be free to pursue whatever/whomever he wants. He does not seem to really want to "not" see the other person but also does not really want to go our separate ways. Any advice??

[London]

Tamara, let me understand this. Your H has had affairs in the past and done some "wrong" things. Does he know you know about the affairs? If yes, then how did you guys move on from that (and why did he do it again, did you catch him again)?

[tamara]

Yes - He knows that I know about the previous affairs. Like I said - I am a very forgiving person - so I guess that is how we moved on. I did not catch him - he asked for permission. He originally said his request was stricktly for 'sexual' purposed but later admitted to needing to feel more affection. (P.S. He is not lacking sex at home - we still do it 3+ times a week - thought it truly is just sex, not 'lovemaking')

[London]

I have been married for nearly 20 years. My husband and I almost never fight or argue and we enjoy doing many things together. The problem is that I have built up an emotional wall when it comes to him - due to prior affairs and other stuff I will not mention. I have built the walls to protect myself from being hurt when he does these things. I feel I am a very fogiving person and that is why we are still together. The walls I have put up have caused him to feel that he is not getting the love and affection that he needs, and he is now 'asking' for permission to see someone else - to get what he needs. My response to this was that I understand his feelings and that I am willing to work on being more loving and 'taking down the walls' - but that I would not give him permission to see someone else and if he chooses to do so that I feel we should just get divorced so that he would be free to pursue whatever/whomever he wants. He does not seem to really want to "not" see the other person but also does not really want to go our separate ways. Any advice??

Tamara - this is a viscious catch-22 - which you may or may not have inadvertently created.

You mention that you "gave him permission" to seek sex elsewhere. If that is the case, then that hardly constitutes an "affair". But either way, you allowed him to have relations outside the home so long as it was "only" sex. As a result, you said, you put up walls to protect yourself from hurt "when he does these things". There's hardly an element of forgiveness involved if he had your explicit permission to begin with.

I did not catch him - he asked for permission. He originally said his request was stricktly for 'sexual' purposed but later admitted to needing to feel more affection. (P.S. He is not lacking sex at home - we still do it 3+ times a week - thought it truly is just sex, not 'lovemaking')

But now he's come back to you and asked you for permission to "see" someone else - and I gather from your hesitance - that it would be to have a proper "mistress" type relation where he can actually care for the other person? And you object to that?

Later you say that you have a good sex life - but that it's not "lovemaking", its just "sex". So, pardon me for being so blunt and perhaps harsh - what role do you really have in this relationship? You are not really emotionally investing in this relationship, he wants that from you (and sex elsewhere) and can't get it. Asks for permission to get it elsewhere and is allowed only to obtain sex from elsewhere but not the emotional aspect.

To be honest, why bother staying together - neither of you are really getting what they want from the relationship and as you pointed out, being married is preventing (at least him) from being fulfilled. If I may, I'd suggest a trip down to your local solicitors to start drawing up the papers for a divorce.

[tamara]

You have 'somewhat' misuderstood. I never gave permission for affairs in the past, but I did forgive him - however I did put up emotional barriers to prevent myself from being hurt if he were to do it again. He is asking permission now (he originally said only for sex but now also admits to wanting an emotional connection). I believe he only asked because he did not want me to leave him if he were to get caught. I do not want to give him 'permission' (and have never given such permission) so I offered to work on trying to remove my emotional barriers to improve our relationship. I realize that I did inadvertently cause him wanting to stray now, but the other times I did not.

We do have 3 children together which is a big portion of why I have forgiven him in the past - basically to stay together for the childern and I did love him then - before the affairs and everything else. I am not sure if I love him now or not - the emotional barriers prevent me from feeling much of anything towards him.

Anyway, the children are pretty much grown up now - with the youngest being 16....so they are not as big of a factor for staying together as they used to be.

[London]

You have 'somewhat' misuderstood. I never gave permission for affairs in the past, but I did forgive him - however I did put up emotional barriers to prevent myself from being hurt if he were to do it again. He is asking permission now (he originally said only for sex but now also admits to wanting an emotional connection). I believe he only asked because he did not want me to leave him if he were to get caught. I do not want to give him 'permission' (and have never given such permission) so I offered to work on trying to remove my emotional barriers to improve our relationship. I realize that I did inadvertently cause him wanting to stray now, but the other times I did not.

ok.. i must have been confused by what you said here:

Like I said - I am a very forgiving person - so I guess that is how we moved on. I did not catch him - he asked for permission.

We do have 3 children together which is a big portion of why I have forgiven him in the past - basically to stay together for the childern and I did love him then - before the affairs and everything else. I am not sure if I love him now or not - the emotional barriers prevent me from feeling much of anything towards him.

Anyway, the children are pretty much grown up now - with the youngest being 16....so they are not as big of a factor for staying together as they used to be.

So then you need to ask yourself whether staying with a man who would really rather be elsewhere rather than working with you to bring the barriers down is what you want. Although I do "question" whether you did really love him all those years or whether you just convinced yourself bc you were playing the martyr for your children. Now that it's caught up to you, you should be free to decide based on what *you* want/need.

[tamara]

Sorry that my post was confusing.

You bring up some very interesting points that I will consider. Perhaps it is just fear of being alone that makes me want him to stay - I have never lived on my own. We met when I was 15 and have been together ever since.....