I could really use some input

[zed_199]

Hi all;
I'm new here and I read through some of the other posts and looks like there is a lot of good feed back from everyone. I hope I can get some feed back from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Its been 3 weeks and my wife hasn't come home after an argument we've had. I was wrong to pack her things and tell her to stay at her mom's. I made a mistake and made her accountable for my actions.

I have apologized to her knowing what I had done. Normaly I respond to our issues rather than react, but in this case I felt like I was pushed into a corner with no way out. I made a choice, a bad one at that.

Thus far I have seeked out some professional help, our relationship has been up and down for the past 5 years. We've only been marired 1 year.

(the last 6 months were good, we've worked on a lot of issues. Mainly her jealousy. I can be quite Bullheaded. My way or the highway... Great progess)

What was the argument about? I broke a rule, a rule that was ok to break once in a while. The rule is no smoking in the house (Nothing Illegal) Just a cigarette.

I broke the rule so... she had come home and was so upset she left the house for a few hours, in those hours I became very upset, because this was a rule she broke her self, not often but she did break this rule a few times. Heck she even bought me a customized Lighter a month ago.

Finally she called and told me she was at her mother's place, ok... no problem, she's angry. Stay the night mabye we'll cool off. An hour later her mom calls to give me a lecture! Fustrated, angry and hurt that her mom had to call me over something so trivial that I packed my wife's bags and told her "If your mom has to argue for you? She might as well come over here and you can stay there and look after her house."

(this isn't the first time I've had to deal with Mother In-Law)

Normally I would just take it...

Now I feel so alientated with my in-laws, we had a fairly good thing going. At least I thought?

My wife came back the next morning, and I was so upset. I asked her? Why all the drama? Why does your family have to argue for you?

She grabbed her bags and left after we had fought about this for about an hour.

I really don't want our marriage to end, but now the big "D" word has come up. My councellor has asked me to invite her to the next session, to hear her side of the story. I'm very in favour of this, I hope to find out things I didn't realize, about myself, and about our Marriage in General.


We had a good discussion the other night, she seemed ok with the idea to come with me to a councelling session... but I don't know if she will?

ZED

[London]

Zed, I hate to state the obvious but you must realise that this arguement has NOTHING to do with smoking in the house. Well, it does but it doesn't. It seems that the cigarette thing is just a red-herring for other issues that may be brewing or festering for awhile. You mentioned that the relationship has been up and down over the last few years and that you've only been married a year. It's ususally about this time that issues seem to creep up (I've noticed similar in some of my friend's marriage and a few others).

I hope you and your wife can go to counselling together and work through whatever issues are under the surfave - and there definitely are!!!

Another thing that struck me while reading your post is that I wonder if there is someone else in the picture - either you or her (if it's not you, then I would suspect that there is someone else in her life - and that may or may not already have lead to an affair, but can). I ask becuase it seems that the reactions you guys are having is way to OTT for something so innocuous.

Again, if you aren't the one who is "eying" or seeing someone else, then perhaps your wife is. I'm not suggesting she is already having an affair - but I am suggesting that she is not entirely happy with the state of the marriage - perhaps she is frustrated or bored or thinks that she has made a mistake. Perhaps she is feeling trapped. Again, these are just my thoughts based on my observations and interaction with other couples I know.

Whatever you do, make sure you guys talk it over, honestly and openly. It may not be the easiest of conversations, but it is extremely important at this stage in your marriage. Good Luck!!!!

[zed_199]

I can honestly say there is no other woman in my life. I have a hard enough time handling one! Your right, it is going to be tough. I don't think there is another man, but I won't ignore the possiblity. My councellor has said the same thing.

I also agree, there has to be a bigger issue that I'm either unaware of, or just naive.

[London]

I can honestly say there is no other woman in my life. I have a hard enough time handling one! Your right, it is going to be tough. I don't think there is another man, but I won't ignore the possiblity. My councellor has said the same thing.

Okay - so it's not you. I asked because I didn't want to automatically assume it may be your W.

As I said before, I am not implying that your W *is* necessarily seeing someone else, just that she may not be too "happy" with things "at home" and it could become very easy for her to see greener pastures elsewhere. If she is seeing someone, then that would easily explain her actions of late.

I also agree, there has to be a bigger issue that I'm either unaware of, or just naive.

That there are bigger issues under the surface, that you can count on!!!!

[zed_199]

Thanks, this is something I will discuss with my councellor... I really didn't consider that there may be someone else. I won't dwell on this, but so far I've heard it twice now.

It does explain a few things. She had mentioned a fellow who keeps stopping in to her office. From what I know he's a police officer too. It does explain the more frequent visits to the gym and the way she brought it up one time. How this police officer keeps coming in to check things out. (She works alone in a small office)

She was never really into the gym in the 5 years I've known her...

Don't worry I am past the Crisis stage, have had lots of help and have been told to prepare for the worst. This is just something else I need to put on my list to prepare for.

[zed_199]

London-- :( you were right!!!

I found a letter hiddin the linen closet today???? Now that I'm doing laundry again I suppose she thought I'd never find it there.

This really hurts man? I'm biting my tounge not call her and ask what's Going on?

I'm seeing my councelor first thing in the morning, then I'm going to find a lawyer!

Right now I'm in disbelief, but at the same time I'm so angry! Sorry if I'm venting, I just got off the phone with the crisis help line. I just want to put some of this down in words.

Its not the person who I thought it was, its someone totally different. Someone I don't even know?

All my intentions of Reconsiling are gone, I'm devastated! The worst part, is that the letter was dated almost a week before our big arguement?

London ---- Not that its any consolation, but thanks for mentioning it. It didn't quite prepare me, but at least someone said there was a possiblity!

[zed_199]

Oh ya, she did turn down the counceling session this week.

[Helen]

Zed,

You poor thing. I suspect she forgot the letter was there as it doesn't sound to me as though she wants you to find out that she has been seeing someone else. I appreciate you don't want to contact her or say anything to her about this but I wanted to say be careful that you don't find yourself divorced before you can tell her how you feel and before the two of you have a frank conversation about this. You could find that she tries to divorce you on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, which it sounds (to me) as though you could challenge. But it may be more appropriate to divorce her for adultery and if you can, you should.

All of that said, you are doing what she is doing (in a way). As soon as you found out, that was it, no more reconcilliation. You are not running away from home. Instead, you are running to a lawyer. Maybe you do need to talk to her to find out what she is doing and why she is doing it? If she is making a mistake, don't you think it is for you to try and prevent her doing that? And vice versa? I just wonder why she married you if your habits irritated her so much? The wedding cake has barely dried and already, she is involved with someone else and has walked out. Maybe she thinks she is missing out on something or will miss out on other things now she is married to you?

Unfortunately, I too have seen many, many long-term relationships come a cropper within months of the wedding. Living together is not as big a commitment as marriage to many people. And many people suddenly find themselves feeling trapped once they have committed to one person. As London suggested, the smoking in the house argument was about something else. I don't think it was just about seeing someone else. I think she has changed her mind about being married, full stop - but she doesn't know how to tell you.

Good luck with the lawyer and everything else but I agree with London - you guys need to talk.


Helen

[London]

London-- :( you were right!!!

I found a letter hiddin the linen closet today???? Now that I'm doing laundry again I suppose she thought I'd never find it there.

This really hurts man? I'm biting my tounge not call her and ask what's Going on?

Zed, I'm sorry to hear that it was the worse case scenario. More often than not, being "right" on this board means that the original poster is the one that ends up getting hurt.

But you know now and it's time for you (once you are able to regroup, even momentarily) to focus on next steps.

All my intentions of Reconsiling are gone, I'm devastated! The worst part, is that the letter was dated almost a week before our big arguement?

Yes, that doesn't surprise me - as i mentioned, in my first post, her reaction to a simple arguement was way too OTT - something that i felt could only be explained by some other burning (guilt-ridden) issue. The "arguement" was indeed a red-herring - as you so found out.

London ---- Not that its any consolation, but thanks for mentioning it. It didn't quite prepare me, but at least someone said there was a possiblity!

Thanks for not jumping down my throat at the early mention of what could have been interpreted as an "insult" to your wife - I know of at least a couple of posters who would have been here screaming bloody murder at me at the mere insinuation of what i suggested to you.

Okay Zed - what are you going to do next? You will have to talk things over with her. As Helen mentioned, your W probably has made up her mind anout not wanting to stay married - and while that may be difficult to accept at first, this may mean that if you listen to what she is saying, then it may smoothen things as the situation unfolds (I'm not saying she will get back with you, but rather, she may not be that difficult to deal with, if you start talking and listening to her). Also, do you have support of friends and/or family?

[zed_199]

I don't know what I'll do right now? I'm gonna take it easy... Re-group and gather my thoughts.

I don't even know what to say to her? How do I tell her that 'I know.?"

This is gonna be so hard, my hands won't stop shaking!

How can I tell her, she hasn't answered my phone calls? I call her mom's, they won't answer the phone.

I won't do anything stupid either, I know my mother in-law. If I even step up to the front door she'll probably grab a pot and come swingin!

Right now is just, hour by hour. Minute by minute. Just trying to keep my chin up.