am i stupid

[jazz]

my husband of 16 years has always been flirty...I thought it was harmless, we own bars and it to some point is part of the lifestyle. A few years ago I found that he had tried it on with a barmaid, we got over that as we have four young children and i did not want to split the family up. He then did the same thing again the following year (he was probably doing it all along but these are just the incidents I found out about). We had a really rocky patch and he begged me to forgive him, which I did although my respect for him was running out. I have just found out that just after I forgave him he had sex with one of the barmaids and then had a two month affair with another. I am 17 years younger than him but he has made me feel old and undesirable. I feel pushed into a corner to leave but am torn with the consequences to my four innocent children. He is regrettful but only because hes been caught. Am I stupid to give this another chance?

[Helen]

Hi Jazz,

Welcome to the board. You poor thing. I think there are serious questions to ask about the future of your relationship. I cannot believe your husband apologised and, despite knowing how upset you were, went off and had sex with another woman, more or less immediately. It sounds to me as though he would prefer to be a single guy. It also sounds like he likes the security at home and, of course, loves his kids. I am not sure how he feels about you though.

Did you ask him why he did this? How he could? What did he say?


Helen

[jazz]

I did ask him why...he said because he was an 'idiot', But he will not talk about what he has done, there are a lot of grey areas , For example I thought he had only had sex with this woman once but was then told (not by him) that it went on for two months, but that he had ended it.

[Helen]

Jazz,

When a man sleeps with another woman when he is committed elsewhere, it is rarely because he is an 'idiot'. He is looking for something that is missing at home when he flirts, when he touches... You mentioned you have 4 children. First, I have to applaud you! I only had one. I wish I had had more (at least one more) but I could never have coped with 4! I mention the kids because do you think he looked elsewhere because the dynamic of your relationship has changed? Do you focus more on the kids than you do on you - and your relationship?


Helen

[jazz]

we both indulged ourselves in our kids, I did have them close together but our jobs meant that we were both around during the day to care for them equally. My husband always loved me being pregnant and praised me for being a good mum.I had always been loving to my husband until I found out that he had made advances to someone else, I was so shocked when I discovered this, I think that I was afraid that he was making a fool out of me by trying it on with people that I worked with so I did become withdrawn from him. I feel sad that you say that he looked elsewhere because there was something missing from home... I'm not saying that you are wrong cos you are probably right and I was just unaware. I considered my self a good wife and mum and he always told me I was. I don't know what else I could have done to keep him happy apart from maybe stay 19!!

[Helen]

Jazz,

Don't feel bad. I am not having a dig at you. I just wonder if (in addition to enjoying your pregnancy with you and praising you for being a good wife and mother) he needed more from you? Sometimes, especially when you have lots of children, you shift your focus. What do I mean 'sometimes'? It is inevitable! But maybe he felt left out or neglected in some way once the kids came along? Just a thought. I am not saying this is the case at all as you may be the perfect wife and mother.

As for 19 year olds, yes, they may have smooth, unblemished skin and bodies intact due to lack of pregnancies but what on earth do they have to say for themselves? Most of them? What on earth does he talk about with them? I firmly believe that was about opportunity and sex. If it is offered on a plate and a man thinks he will get away with it (and he is so inclined) many will go for it with nary a thought for the poor wife at home.

He got caught though. I always ask myself why some men think they won't get caught? Us women have an instinct for when our spouses have gone elsewhere. My question to you is, are there any issues at home that could have driven him to look for sex (the animal act, rather than the loving, intimate act) elsewhere?


Helen

[Kate]

Dear Jazz


I don't think Helen means to imply that it's your fault. She's just getting you to think what may need to change to help your marriage forward. Of course one thing is your husband making a decision to be faithful. Perhaps you need to talk this through a bit more and establish some ground rules to rebuild the trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) between you.

All the best

Kate

[jazz]

Thanks for your advice and views Helen... The question now is, do I try and make it work. My sister thinks that I'm mad to stay with him and she has a point how many times do I forgive him? I know in my heart he'll do it again and again, why wouldn't he! I always take him back. But still despite all he has done he is an attentive husband who is generous and loving to me he just can't be faithful!! Hes done dispicable things behind my back, Its like hes two different people.

[Helen]

Jazz,

It depends what he has done behind the scenes. If, by 'this' you are referring to the flirting, everyone flirts. The real issues are how many times did he take it further and why did he do it? Only you know if what he has done is bad enough to justify a complete split. I don't think you are foolish in any way ('am I stupid' is the name of your thread) but I don't think you are that either. Whether you take him back does depend on the REAL reasons for what he is doing. He hasn't been honest with you yet.

You need to have a bottom line discussion with him. You need to know what the heck is going on. WHY EXACTLY did he cheat on you. As stated in a previous post, saying he was an 'idiot' is an excuse. He needs to fess up. So I suggest to you that you make the time to take him somewhere where you can talk honestly, and candidly. If you can't get him to speak, I suggest counselling. I only suggest these stages because marriage should only be ended as a last resort and you are not at that point yet. Lots of conversation needs to go on first. And you trying to get him to fess up is the first step (make it clear that the 'idiot' statements are not going to work).

Brace yourself because some painful disclosures might be made and you will need to reassure him that you are willing to hear them for the good of your relationship.


Helen