When do you stop trying

[Debs]

Even cutting my story down its long! After a reunion through friends reunited my H began texting an ex g/f who was having marriage difficulties. I became aware of it and after 6 months of trying to gather evidence I sat down and asked him. He said that although they were texting it was due to her problems and he was just trying to help her. He agreed to stop contact. However once again I knew something was going on and we were on holiday when I told him I was moving out when we returned because I was sure he was having an affair with this woman. He told me it was just texting and that he didn’t want me to go because he loved me. We promised that we would talk about our feelings if either of us began to feel ignored or have doubts about our marriage. By February 2005 (19 months later) things were so bad we were hardly talking to each other, I asked if he was having an affair and he said he was and it had been going on for 5 months. He then said it wasn’t with the woman I had suspected they had never had an affair. He said that he told me because he did not think I loved him – I had been horrid saying nasty things, not wanting to have sex etc because I knew he was having an affair, it wasn’t because I didn’t love him. Anyway he flitted between me-upset and wanting him back-and his ‘trollop’ as she is better known as, for the next 4 weeks when we decided to go away on a make or break holiday. She kept texting whilst we were away and at the end of the holiday he wasn’t sure what he wanted. On our return the husband of the ex g/f rang and informed me that they had been having an affair and that my H had helped her rent a flat for 6 months so that she could move away from her family – she returned after only 3 days. My H tried to deny the story but then admitted it was true. In April he had booked a holiday to New York for our anniversary so we went together and he stayed a few nights after we returned, however he was there in body but not in mind so I asked him to leave and see if we could work it out living separately. Within 3 days of my helping him move into a flat he went to Spain with Trollop and her family telling all his family and friends that he was going on a golfing holiday with the bank manager. On his return he said that he really missed me, but he was still flitting between us. She did not know he was still seeing me and that made me feel like the mistress, I wasn’t - and am still not sure if I wanted him back or just wanted them to split up. By the end of July last year I told him he had to make a choice and stick to it. He agreed not to see her. I know he has spoken to her for business matters although he promised he would only let his partner deal with her. Since we have been seeing each other trying to make things work I have found things very difficult, I love him but when I feel we are getting close my head shouts ‘stop he cant be trusted’ I think I trust him not to ever do this again but then I trusted him 100% not to of done it before and he has done it twice.

He leant his old mobile phone to my daughter last week she went through his diary – just being nosey - was not prompted by me- until she read a couple of days. It had dates for taking kids to school and picking them up – my children have left school – the Trollop had 2 at school. It also showed lunch dates with another old school g/f every 2 weeks. I phoned him to ask about all the school pick ups, he said they were arrangements from when he was seeing her last year, I found that very organised that she was making arrangements 7 months in advance. The lunch dates were not as often as diary said because they were often cancelled and he just needed someone to talk to. She is married and her H did know but then he doesn’t know about all my husbands’ affairs. He said he has had enough of me suspecting him all the time I agreed I had had enough too so maybe we should call it a day between us. He did not mean that, he just expected me to accept nothing going on and sweep it all under the carpet. He has agreed to come to Relate with me but I`m not sure what I feel anymore. I love him but we don’t seem to have fun together. Everything is a reminder clothes he bought with her, she helped him furnish his flat, seeing the first one in the local supermarket and television programmes all have affairs. I have digs at him all the time and just want to hurt him like he keeps hurting me, I hate doing it but I think about the hurt 24/7 and cannot seem to get on with my life. I can’t live with him but I can’t live without him, he seems to be able to switch off to it all and get on with things, which makes me resent him more. When I`m really down and cry for no reasons all I want is him to come and give me a cuddle, it makes no sense to me.

I have read advice given to others in similar situations and read their problems but there really does not seem to be any answers. I think that if I was to read my story in a womans magazine I would think what an idiot she was to even try and continue. So what makes me keep trying, scared of being alone, scared of starting over or do I love him? At one time he asked me not to go with anyone else whilst he made his mind up because if I did he would not be able to come back to me. Yet he thinks I am strong enough to take all he throws my way.

How do I stop trying to hurt him back? It was behaving like this that helped push him into it in the first place. Unless I can do this I can’t see how we can stay seeing each other.

[Helen]

Debs,

He can say you being a certain way pushed him to cheat but it is an excuse. At the end of the day, I am sure living with him was no bed of roses either but you put up with lots of things because you are his wife and this is what wives are supposed to do. It seems to me that you were busily being a wife to him but he was in no way behaving like a husband. Husbands do not bale out when the going gets tough. They do not look elsewhere when there are problems with sex. They try to work on any problems in the relationship and, only after persisting in this work, should they look elsewhere. And then, only if they have the decency to end things with their wives and move on properly.

Why can't you trust him and why do you want to hurt him? Because he has hurt you with his to-ing and fro-ing and constant lies. He went to another woman! A married woman, at that. Every time you catch him in a lie it is a new betrayal and it is like hearing about the adultery over and over again. And he has told plenty of lies. Even on the holidays he booked to work on the marriage and for your anniversary, he was there in body only. It was clear this trollop might as well have been there with you - or instead. Worse, this woman was calling him while he was with you. If he was serious about working on things, he would have switched off the phone and focused on you entirely. He didn't. This is why you feel the need to hurt him because, let's face it, he has devastated you. And so has she.

I do get the impression you are blaming yourself for where the two of you are and so is he. This is not your fault. Not entirely. You see, you stayed faithful when he cheated. There may well have been sexual problems but how receptive was he to what you were saying in this department? I am assuming you told him why you had gone off sex? Did he take on board the root cause of this problem between you? I am willing to bet he didn't. If there are problems in the relationship, for whatever reason, the first thing that tends to suffer is sex. Women do not look at their mate in quite the same way again, especially if they have previously cheated and were found out. The onus was on him to take on board what you were saying. He didn't. Instead he went elsewhere and is jerking you around by ping ponging between you (like he can't make up his mind). That HAS to hurt.

Before you can even think about whether you can move forward, BOTH of you need to make decisions about the future of your marriage. If he decides he really wants to work on the marriage, he has to give up the trollop completely. If necessary, he has to get a new phone and get new business cards made up. When she comes to see him about business, she should only get to see his partner - EVERY time. He has to cut her out of his life completely. If he refuses, you have your answer regarding the future of your relationship. It will never work so long as she is lurking in the background. If he is serious then he has to be prepared to go to Relate and put all his cards on the table. And so do you. Yes, there will be seething anger there on your part and I see no harm in you admitting this. But if you are both willing to do the work to get the marriage back on track, you may be able to get past this. If one of you isn't, then it probably really is curtains for the two of you.

Sorry - and good luck,


Helen

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Debs.

I am sorry to hear all of what you have been through and are going through.
I cannot really offer you any advice having never been in a situation at all similar.
What I can say though, to try to help you make decisions is the Q of Love. Your unsuredness as to wiether you do or don't.

I think you, to try to determin this, should ask yourself, If you do love him, Why? Loving someone just because we always have, or think we should, are not the right reasons. We should know without fail the reasons why we love that person.
Why do you love him?

If you can reel off a lovely long list of all the reasons that you love your Husband now, then that is a starting point to help you understand how you can move forward.

Do not write a list of all the resons you fell in love with him or why you used to love him. Use the past 3 - 4 years as a guide.

Call it your "I love him because" List.

Take care x

[Hope]

Hi Debs,

I really empathize with you... I think that some people men or women sometimes have a problem with telling the truth! When I first started dating my H I loved him so much and couldn't bare to be parted from him. We married and had children but now that I think back over the years I can remember him telling me lots of lies... not particularly serious ones but nevertheless it made me feel uneasy and not able to completely relax sometimes. These little instances begin to mount up over many years together. During my marriage my ex was a little irresponsible with money which made me feel insecure and he continued to tell lies. The last straw was his 2 year affair which he denied of course - he made me believe I was imagining it all until he finally confessed. When he left to move in with his o/w I still loved him, despite what he was like and I would have had him back if he'd fed me more convincing lies. He said that his lies had hurt me too much and that the trust had gone... too right... thats the first "honest" thing he'd said to me! My emotions and feelings were mixed up. Part of me wanted him but part of me knew I deserved better. We only have one life and we can't afford to make the wrong choices. I hope you see things with more clarity soon and make the right choices.

The point I'm trying to make here is that some people just tell lies... they do one thing but swear blind they're doing something else and even when they see how much it hurts the other person they just don't stop it!!! I think its called compulsive lying! Now that I am older and wiser I can now see that my ex can't and won't change. I do believe he will always tell lies, even to his new woman. You may still love your H but if he's anything like my ex you won't ever be 100% happy or satisfied because of your lack of trust.

Why should you be subjected to this? Not all men tell lies and continue to hurt their women. I'm happier now that I'm out of my relationship... I don't have to check up on him... I don't have to read between the lines anymore and I'm more relaxed. I feel that you're experiencing what I did during my marriage and one thing I know, now that I'm stronger and independant is that I don't deserve a life like that. Don't hang on to this marriage because it feels safe... hang on to it because you can trust your H and move on. Like I say, some people are just compulsive liars and will tell fibs to everyone and if they don't change their behaviour eventually becomes destructive.

Think carefully and don't be manipulated....

Hope x

[Debs]

Thanks for all your replies - gives food for thought. I have been with my H for almost 30 years now since I was 15. We married when we were 20 bought a house had kids 5 years later, he had a good job which gave plenty of promotions, all the time we worked together through every little problem. Money was tight when the children were very small and as with a lot of couples we hit various problems which we always managed to work through. We had the same interests although I realise now that most had been his hobbies and I had fallen in with them every weekend holiday etc but we made lots of close friends through the interests. I don’t ever remember being unhappy he never moaned if there was no dinner or the house was a mess because I had been busy he did make me feel appreciated. He was so against men cheating on their wives that I never imagined it would happen between us.

When the children grew up we made a point of always spending more time for ourselves, dinner out once a week, cinema every couple of weeks and at least one short break just us. 5 years ago he got restless at work and decided to set up his own building business with a partner. He lost a lot of weight through the manual work and enjoyed life more. He then began to buy only expensive fashion clothes then came the flash sports car – midlife crisis. It was at this point they had the reunion and arranged further get togethers. At the time he was finishing with the first woman my daughter announced she was pregnant (she was living with her b/f) He refused to tell anyone or talk about it because he said he was not old enough to be a Grandad (it was a different story once the baby was born), my daughter had problems in early pregnancy and I spent a lot of days with her but did not feel I could talk to him about any of it. At least in my mind I understand why he did have his affairs but I know that if he had just talked to me instead of hiding the fact he was in contact with the ex g/f we wouldn’t of been in this situation. Because I have now found out about the latest meetings with the other ex g/f I feel I am going back to stage one and he has not learnt from his mistakes.

When reading Always Green reply I thought what a good idea, but I can only think of one reason! I do love him but I think maybe it’s the romance that I think I need. (I love my mum but wouldn’t want to live with her again!) He is sorry for what he has done I know, but he is getting on with life – new house, new car, although I don’t feel he is happy just going day to day, whilst I feel mine is at a stand still and hate Fridays because another week is over and I am still at the same stage as I was 13 months ago. Its when he buys new things or things that weren’t what he would of used to of bought that I hate him and want to say horrid things to remind him that I am hurting still. I look at his house and belongings and look at mine (ours) and cant imagine him being happy coming back to them. I love the old him and not sure how to fall in love with the new him. Have I answered my own question here?



Dx