Serious money issue with my wife.

[gdyngreg]

I have been Married for 8 years to a wonderful woman. I love her dearly.
Our biggest problem is money. I am a bit of a penny pincher. She spends every dime she gets. We are on opposit ends of the specktrum.
I also am a defense contractor and have not lived at home for the past two and a half years. One year in Iraq and now I am working on my second year in Germany. I understand this creates issues in and of itself. I have been home for a total of 2 months in this time. I have brought her over here of course on several occasions. I make very good money doing this. However I would like to live at home again and she desires me to be home as well. I make a regular salary when in the Unites States. I can not get her to stop spending
unnecesary money. I have asked her to conserve and prepare for my return to a normal monetary lifestyle. I have begged her. I have pleaded, yes I have threatened as well. Not physical of course. I am afraid to open the bank account to pay bills or deposit money in her account. It is in a negative state quite often, and those fees get costly. Yes we have two seperate accounts. I will not let her have access to the main checking account. She cannot control herself and I must pay the bills out of that account. So I gave her another checking account for herself. She makes money at home as well and I give her 1300 dollars a month to feed herself and the two boys. 19 and 15 years old. She spends every dime I give her and I have to put more in her account. Should I just give up and go home at the end of the year a popper? I have fears about this. I have spend a great deal of time doing this (in and out of danger)for our finacial benefit. So we can live an easier less financialy stressed life. We are out of debt now except for a truck loan and I am intending to pay that off this year. I am desperate for a solution or guidence. Maybe it's all me?

[Helen]

gdyngreg,

I don't think it is you. It sounds to me as though your wife shops to relieve other tensions in her life. When my marriage was breaking down, I spent lots of money on eBay, buying stuff I didn't need. It wasn't that I wanted the items but they gave me pleasure and I got a buzz from shopping. Thank goodness I earn a great salary so it didn't affect the household finances but my life did, for a while, become one long round of paying bills. All of that said, the minute I separated from my ex husband and we divorced, the spending sprees stopped.

I am not suggesting your wife wants a divorce or anything like that. But women tend to internalise stress and it shows itself in different ways. Looking after 2 teenage boys on her own cannot be easy. I only had one and his father was around most of the time and that was difficult enough! There is also coping with practical things like household repairs on her own - not to mention working and then having to come home and clean and maintain the house and deal with 2 stroppy teens.

It does sound to me as though she uses shopping as a means of distracting herself from the stresses of life. If that is the case, things may well improve when you come home and she feels less burdened. I am not underestimating your own burdens, which must also come with a great deal of stress, not to mention feelings of isolation. Just trying to explain things from a woman's viewpoint.

When you get back, I would keep your money separate for a while. I would also ask her what she spends the money on as $1300 ought to be enough to keep 3 people if every other bill is being taken care of. At the end of the day, you are her husband, not her dad or her sugar daddy. You are not there to bankroll excessive and unneccesary expenditure. It may be that the two of you need to consider having financial counselling when you get back.

Good luck,


Helen

[gdyngreg]

I believe your assement of this is right on the money. Thought I would throw a little humor in :).
Looks like I am just going to have to accept it as a side affect of our distance. Maybe I will just give her a set amount of throw away money. OOOO it hurts to say that!!!!!! 1300 dollars a month to feed herself and the boys might not be enough I guess. Well once again thank you for a female perspective. That is what I was looking for. I am trying to put myself in her shoes.
Thanks again.




I don't think it is you. It sounds to me as though your wife shops to relieve other tensions in her life. When my marriage was breaking down, I spent lots of money on eBay, buying stuff I didn't need. It wasn't that I wanted the items but they gave me pleasure and I got a buzz from shopping. Thank goodness I earn a great salary so it didn't affect the household finances but my life did, for a while, become one long round of paying bills. All of that said, the minute I separated from my ex husband and we divorced, the spending sprees stopped.

I am not suggesting your wife wants a divorce or anything like that. But women tend to internalise stress and it shows itself in different ways. Looking after 2 teenage boys on her own cannot be easy. I only had one and his father was around most of the time and that was difficult enough! There is also coping with practical things like household repairs on her own - not to mention working and then having to come home and clean and maintain the house and deal with 2 stroppy teens.

It does sound to me as though she uses shopping as a means of distracting herself from the stresses of life. If that is the case, things may well improve when you come home and she feels less burdened. I am not underestimating your own burdens, which must also come with a great deal of stress, not to mention feelings of isolation. Just trying to explain things from a woman's viewpoint.

When you get back, I would keep your money separate for a while. I would also ask her what she spends the money on as $1300 ought to be enough to keep 3 people if every other bill is being taken care of. At the end of the day, you are her husband, not her dad or her sugar daddy. You are not there to bankroll excessive and unneccesary expenditure. It may be that the two of you need to consider having financial counselling when you get back.

Good luck,


Helen[/QUOTE]

[Helen]

Hi,

:)

Are you sure you want to give her more money? For me, money is like a handbag. The bigger the bag, the more I can find to put in it. So now I only go out with tiny ones! Ergo, the more money you give me, the more things I can find to spend it on...

I suspect however much money you give her, the coffer is always going to be in deficit. $1300 ought to be enough to feed 3 people and take care of incidental expenses, especially as your wife also works and has an income of her own AND all the major bills are paid separately by you. It is up to you but if I were you, I would ask her where the money is going. It might not just be on shopping. Shopping I mention because so many of us women do it do it as an outlet. She could be gambling, she could be buying cream cakes, she could be spending it on her hair, nights out - she could be doing anything. If I were your wife, yeah I would probably resent you for asking (!) but, given that you are giving me the money for a defined purpose, I would also see it as your right to ask and would not be able to fudge you on a sensible answer.

Just a thought.

Have a good day,


Helen

[Kate]

Hi

Wouldn't it be good to be home together, even if money is a bit tight. I'd rather be with my husband than have plenty of money that he has to earn by living abroad.
Kate

[gdyngreg]

Kate you are so right on that one. However my company requires me to deploy. Wherever and whenever. So unless I quit and find a new job I am kind of stuck. I will have the option of staying home next year. For how long who knows. It is easy to say yes I should quit and stay home but we all know the realities, sad as they may be.
Thanks

[gdyngreg]

I am afraid what you say is indeed correct. The more I give her the more she spends.
I don't know. I am going home for the month of April so maybe we can discuss it in a reasonable manor. Wish me luck!!!!!!!:)