Found out today my Wifes having an affair

[Rich]

I found out today my wife has been having an affair for about a year - as probably some people on here know,Im totally devastated,never felt this way before.
She said she was curious to find out what sex with someone else was likeand the excitement of knowing she shouldnt be doing it,She didnt mean it to go on so long(I was her only partner)-I underatnd this so although the sex with another man hurts,It cant compare wuth the devastation of the lies,to be with someone else.
I did sort of suspect but I had 100% trust in here and when I though spending 3 hours in the gym instead of the hour workout was biy weird,I never thought it would be an affair, even when she said she stayed behind for a few drinks with fellow members,going out evenings until 3am with what I thought was fellow girlfriends,I just wanted her to be happy and so that was ok.
She told me today.Last night she spent 4 hours in Tescos 9.15pm-1.15pm,she said she was looking around.So thats when the bubble burst.She didnt deny it and told me the truth,which allevaites the pain a bit.
She has gone out now to end the affair,and will be back soon, I hope she sticks to that as Im feeling a bit suicidal at the moment and saying she is staying with him-god knows what thatll do.At the moment im looking after our children,so im trying to put everything to the back of my mind until she returns.
She says she loves me and doesnt want to lose me,and i feel the same,I dont think I could live without her-weve been together for 19 years.

My question-If she comes back and says shes ended the affair, do I believe her,she still wants to go to the gym where he goes,though she says he probably wont be going again.Will she sya shes ended the affair but lie and keep seeing him?She says she doesnt love him-it was just excitment-which I believe,he wants her to move in with him-hes divorced.

What can I do to stop this happening again-I do work a lot running 2 businesses so maybe spend more time together??
I just need someone to talk to.

[Helen]

Well, more time together would be a start. But I personally think you also need to look at your sex life. I am not pointing fingers at anyone but if she has only been with you and things have become a bit humdrum, maybe that is why she looked for excitement elsewhere? If you tend to put work first, if you were too tired too many times or if you tend to do the same things (or even if you treat her like a sex object and this guy didn't) that can drive women to look elsewhere. They become curious about what they have been missing out on. Especially if the bed is not ablaze when they have sex. Sorry. I say all this from experience.

I am not saying you have to turn into some sort of stud! Just be a bit more attentive and, perhaps, more receptive. Let her teach you. Use the internet as a source yourself and study up on lovemaking techniques. DELEGATE more!!! Surprising how men feel they have to do everything. If you employ staff, make them earn their salaries and just monitor them more closely. Take her away occasionally. Get a babysitter in and take her out. Romance her. I could go on and on. Women tend to need these things more than men.

Oh, and make time for conversation about any and everything and tell her she looks beautiful, even if she doesn't.

Do you get it? :)


Helen

[shadow]

I am so sorry to hear about your pain and that today you will now always call DD (discovery day) a date that you will never forget.

Your wife has to realize that to make the marriage work that she HAS to have NO CONTACT with her lover. The affair must end!!!! How should she tell his lover that their relationship is over? It is recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

I have heard from many who's spouse had a ongoing affair that besides dealing with the guilt they feel for causing their spouses pain they also have to go thru a withdraw from their lover, my husband was a one night stand so didnt have to go thru that but I have it heard from others that had spouses with a continues affair went thru withdraws.

Your wife is going to have to be very willing to do whatever to win back your trust. She is going to need to account for all her time to reassure you, she is going to have to be very honest, even a little white lie at this time is not good. She is going to need to demostrate sincere regret and remorse. She cant apologize enough and she needs to keep reassuring you that she wont commit adultry again. She needs to tell you plans to take her comminment to her marriage to heart.

You are going to be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions right now, shock, rage, hurt, devastion, disillusioment, and intense sadness. And you do need to talk about it, your wife needs to realize that even tho it shames her to tell you details, that it is important to the marriage, Find a place to vent, where their are others in the same boat as you and will understand so that way you can calmly talk to your wife about the emotions. I will be here anytime to scream at, to cry on, and to know that you are not in this alone.

You have a long road ahead of you, but if your both willing to work at it hard in time it will get better, it wont be the same but it will still be good, if your both verywilling to make it work. But you must stand firm, she needs to take the very first step, end the affair and have no contact with that person again. It is a must.

Again I am sorry I know the pain.

Hugs

[hoxton]

Rich
I so sorry to hear you are hurting, This is going to be a really hard time for you just take one day or hour at a time,

If she wants to stay in your marrage then she needs to break all ties with him all together she will not be able to give everything to you if there is someone else lurking in the background, That means find a new gym what ever is needed.

I dont know how you move forward really but you need to spend time together, And you need to make her special and sexy again.

I know that's going to be hard especially why you feel the way you do,
You are gonna have all kinds of stuff going around in your head,
Just remember there are people here who all have different marrige problems and there will allways be someone to identify with you,

Be strong,
( BIG HUG )
Amanda.

[Rich]

Thanks for your replies-much appreciated,and some good things which Ive noted.

My wife has broken off the affair forever,She never wanted to leave me,and didnt realise how much I loved her.
So we are together and in a weird way better as I now realise that I was taken her for granted and will spend more time with her and pay more attention to her.
As someone pointed out it was curiousity that fuelled this,and she said although it would be weird not seeing him again,she hasnt got an emotional bond that she has with me,which is a relief.
She said the fact that she made me break down and cry in her arms will haunt her,especially when she realised how much hurt she had caused me.
But basically though it still hurts,the fact that we are together negates everything.
Also I now think she realises that she is the most important thing in my life,because she did wonder whether my businesses mean more to me than her-not even close.
The sex part she said was the same but better with him as it was exciting,which is fine as I thought that was the case anyway.

Im now much happier,though its a struggle not to cry all the time,but I feel better talking about it so thanks to all those who replied.

[Helen]

Rich,

I admire you. I honestly do. Not many people would be as big about something like this but you have managed to put her actions in context and are determined to move on. I take my hat off to you.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to make one partner realise what they stand to lose. This has been your crisis point and it sounds as though both of you still love each other and want to be together. That is more than half the battle, believe me. For you, it will hurt for a while yet. Years down the line, it will pop into your head and you may still shed tears in private. She has hurt you badly. And she is sorry for doing that. But on the plus side, one thing this episode has taught both of you is not to take the other for granted ever again.

As well as the things suggested, I would also suggest you open lines of communication so that this is unlikely to happen again. If she feels she is being ignored or is unhappy in any way, she needs to speak up. And so do you. The administrators of this site have posted lots of articles on how to rebuild a marriage and trust after an affair. Do have a look at those resources as they will help both of you to regain a solid marriage.

Good luck


Helen

[Rich]

Helen,
Thanks for your comments and being here to listen to a stranger needing some help.
I know it seems like I'm Mr Nice Guy here, but I do 1/2 blame myself,and also all I thought about when she told me was her leaving,so I was terrified if truth be known.
When I knew we would still be together, everything she done just seemed not to matter.I am now starting to think about them together and it hurts,especially the kissing/holding hands and less so the fact that the sex was so good for her.
So as you said I still might have a quiet cry but she is really sweet and kind and basically a lovely person,and though she says she doesnt deserve me its more the other way around.
The weird thing is, its very painful when shes out of my sight even for 5 minutes,I went to buy her flowers today for Mothers day and had to go in twice before I could ask for some without crying.I feel the need to be with her constantly and just hang on to her.
Anyway Ill look at the resources,I think everything will be ok.
Once again many thanks.
Rich