Don't know what to do...

[HopelessNFLA]

:confused: I will have been married 2 years this April and will have been with my husband 6 years in September. I'm in a bit of a situation with him. A few months ago i found out he was doing coke and flipped out. he was getting it from this girl he used to work with. I had bad vibes from her from the beginning but let it go because i wanted him to have his own friends. He promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore and he stopped talking to the girl. Then a few weeks ago, I caught him doing it again and he acted like he didn't care how it made me feel. Then on top of that i found out that he had also been taking cash advances out on his credit cards so that he could send his ex-wife money. He's just not being honest with me about anything anymore and i feel like i can't trust him. I never wanted to be the wife that had to "read into" things and try to screw with him to see if his stories are accurate. i don't know what to do. Advice anyone?

[hoxton]

I must say not many of us thought we would end up where we are,
I thought me and my H had great communication but then to find out he is lying about little things makes you wounder what else you dont know about ?
Try and sit down and talk to him ask him where did it change between you and why does he feel the need to hide things from you. I am assuming it is because he knows it will upset you so there for what you dont know dont hurt ?
Only it does hurt.
All I can say is talk talk and talk dont ignore it as it could escalate into a bigger proberlem.
Amanda x

[HopelessNFLA]

Oh, we've talked. We've talked alot. And you're right, that was exactly what he told me. "what you don't know can't hurt you". I've tried everything, even rewards i guess you can say. I just hate the thoughts that i have. When i ask him why he doesn't tell me he says he knows it would hurt me. So my reply to that is, "Why would you do it if you know it would hurt me?" I know i should let the good times out weigh the bad but i can't get the thoughts out of my mind. :(

[Helen]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that your husband is going to have to find out the hard way why doing the things he is doing will do him no good. People generally take coke because it makes them forget their worries and gives them confidence. It is possible he is having trouble at work or other issues that he hasn't shared with you.

The other thing I wanted to say is if your name is on the credit card or on the account in any way, get it taken off immediately. Joint cards usually mean joint debts. Cash advance on a credit card is the most expensive way of borrowing money. It does beg a question (well a few); why is he giving money to his ex wife? If it's maintenance, surely he should be paying it from his salary? This is perhaps an indication that he has financial problems - possibly due to the coke he is snorting. Incidentally, if you have any joint accounts, I would think about separating your money from his until he sorts himself out.

Unfortunately you cannot make him stop doing what he is doing. But you can tell him that you are not prepared to live with a coke hound, especially if him taking coke is making you unhappy. So he has to choose - you or the coke.


Helen

[HopelessNFLA]

Thanks to the both of you.
I'm not sure that it is his job. He's been happier with his current company than he was anywhere else.
My name isn't on the account he's been withdrawling from. That's his card.
He's sending his ex money because they have a child together. Her child support is paid on time every month. He just thinks because of the circumstances that he has to help her. She has no job and has subsidized living and much help from the goverment. But she can manipulate him into giving her things by using his son against him. I've talked to many people about this including him and it's just not helping me. I try to let it go but then something happens and all the thoughts come back to me. I love my husband to death and i want to make this marriage work. I'm really just having a hard time letting things go.

[hoxton]

Hi ya,
I know how frustrating it can be me and my H had murders with his ex for at least three years untill I finally snapped, He used to give maintanace every week plus she was getting money from the government and we used to have him every wed and every other weekend plus holidays I never had a proberlem with any of that but the more we done the more she took the Piss out of us she would use him every week to cause proberlems and allways wanted more money we were really skint and had other kids to support but she diddnt care as long as her son got He was walking around in designer clothes where as ours had basics so in the end I said it had to stop we are doing enough and if she wants any more she has to get off her butt and get it her self.
It caused a lot of tantrums and rows but we stood firm and she got the message in the end.
I also know what its like when you love someone that much the thought that you are losing it all and cant stop it is really upsetting,
Just keep trying.

Amanda x

[Hope]

Hi

I know that your H is using his credit card to send money to his ex wife which is a bit silly because he'll get in debt BUT if he had the funds would you still object? I feel a little sorry for him because it sounds as though he loves his son very much and wants to contribute a little more but can't afford it. I suppose his hearts in the right place.

Admittedly he's not being responsible with money and needs some help and guidance. Wasting money on Coke is a real problem and could result in mounting debts. I do hope you manage to sort out these problems because you sound as though you care very much for your H - lets hope he does respond to your communications and accepts your help.

Good luck.

Hope :)

[HopelessNFLA]

He does want the best for his son. I know that. I do too. But the story behind it all, is that he's never met his son. My H caught his ex screwing somebody else. (while pregnant), and left. He still filled his dutes as a father but his son never knew who he was. He found out that my H was his dad @ 5 yrs old. (1 month before we got married) After thinking somebody else was his father for the first 4yrs. Confusing for him I'm sure. So now that he gets to talk to him on the phone (We live 3,000 miles apart) he has even more of an emotional attachment. The ex makes the son tell my H stuff like, "I don't have any toliet paper", "I'm hungry" & "we have no money". Somethings i believe a 7 yr. old knows but some of the things that come out of his mouth just sound like his mother. AH!!!!:mad: