My husband says he doesnt love me anymore

[pebbles]

Please help – I need advice – I don’t know what to do.



We have been together for 7 years (married for 3) and I have 2 children (13 & 17) who he loves dearly.



Saturday night/Sunday morning my husband told me that he doesn’t love me and hasn’t since September. He said that he has felt suicidal knowing how much this was going to hurt me, but he has tried to fight his feelings hoping they would change.

He has done all of this on his own without talking to anyone.



We have a great life together, no financial worries, great friendship, no family stresses, there is no one else involved. He is a very deep person who keeps things to himself – doesn’t talk to resolve problems.



I think that certain events over the years have lead to this point.



When we first me his Gran asked to meet me, she died before we met and my husband felt great guilt over this.

The second year his aunt dies. The nest year we took his mother to hospital with breathing problems and her mother died on the same night (his nana). We couldn’t tell her what had happened until the next day.



During this I suffered from depression for 15 months after facing emotional trauma from childhood abuse.



January last year we had our windows smashed and our car windows smashed in.

My husband reacted badly to this and I took him to the GP.

He was signed off work for 4 months by his GP – I think he went back to work before he was ready due to feeling he was letting his colleagues down.

She diagnosed him with depression, stress and anxiety and put him on anti-depressants. He was advised to see a counsellor – which he did once before she went on the sick – and never returned.



August we went on Holiday, where he never left the room for the first 5 days and slept constantly. He was weaning off the anti-depressants by this time. He now says that shortly after returning form holiday he noticed his feeling had changed.



He is also changing jobs after working in the same place for 17 years (since he left school). Only a few people joined him for a leaving night out which he was disappointed about. This was Saturday night and he dropped the bombshell when we got home.



He says that I am a terrific person, the best wife and friend and couldn’t have asked for a happier life. He doesn’t love me, refuses to look back to a time when he did to try and get those feelings back. He says there is no point in hoping that he will change his feelings because it will never happen. He refused to go to Relate incase it gave me false hopes – but has now agreed to go.



He moves into his parents this week and is already talking about doing overtime at work to save for a new house.



I think I am hoping and praying that he has suppressed his feelings and emotions so much over the past years that he has forgotten how to love, or is scared to and doesn’t know it. He says he is not depressed, just very unhappy because of how he feels.

I have made him an appointment with his GP – but he says it is pointless.



Please someone tell me there is still hope – I feel so rejected.

[Kimberley]

hi there


I am sorry to read your thread you must be destroyed by your husband's actions but I do feel that he still sounds depressed and that perhaps he came of the anti-depressants too soon. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction from coming off the tablets that he slept whilst on holiday and upon return drops a bomb shell like this.

I also feel that perhaps it could be a mid life crisis - same job for all those years - looking for something else because depressed by circumstances and a familar situation at home looking back at life and wishing he had done things differently perhaps.

If he wont go back to the GP perhaps independent counselling to come to terms with things. Perhaps the deaths in the family have taken a greater toll than you think.

Dont feel like it is something you have done you have been there and been supportive in your role as a mother and wife and you could do no more. Please just reassure him you are still there for him and love him and perhaps a short break away from home might make him miss what he already has.

Take care.

Kimberley

[pebbles]

He says that he has thought everything through thoroughly and was absolutely sure of his feelings before he told me. He is convinced that he doesnt have depression and wont look at trying to get the love back he once had as its pointless.
He knows what he is giving up but just cant help it.
We will remain friends - best friends - but it isnt enough for me.
I dont like him making the decision about his feelings without having let me know how he felt.
I have asked him to let me know if even a small amount of doubt pops up, he will explore the feelings - but he is so positive that it wont happen. He is a person who doesnt go back on decisions once he has made up his mind.

I have to sort out claiming benefits and try to pay a mortgage to keep my home together for the kids.

I dont think I can do this... it hurts so much.

[London]

Pebbles - unfortunately we can't always force someone to remain "in love" with us. You'll need to garner your strength for the kids' sake and start dealing with what needs to be done to ensure they are okay and can rely on you. I know it's painful right now. Good luck

[pebbles]

The few who know about this have all said that it must be something he is going through, perhaps depression or something similar and needs to get professional advice.
His mother, father and sister have said this too -they are devastated as there were no signs. They are hoping that after he has spent some time away he will change his mind. Do you think this is possible?

[London]

The few who know about this have all said that it must be something he is going through, perhaps depression or something similar and needs to get professional advice.
His mother, father and sister have said this too -they are devastated as there were no signs. They are hoping that after he has spent some time away he will change his mind. Do you think this is possible?

Anything is possible. I am not saying give up - but to remain strong to the possibility that his outlook may not change. I would definitely encourage him to seek a professional's help. And also for you to not to get your hopes up to high at this moment. Perhaps if he sees that you are able to get on without him it will knock some sense in him. I would also think that some (short) time apart might help him as well....

[Helen]

Pebbles,

3 thoughts strike me. First, windows and a car are not normally smashed up for no reason. Hooligans might do one or the other. Both is unusual, as they could have been caught (having stayed around long enough to do it). This sounds like revenge or anger. Do you think something your husband was involved in caused this to happen?

Second, it is interesting that your husband changed jobs after 17 years in the same place. Did he ever tell you why you did this?

And finally, what happened in September to make him fall out of love with you all of a sudden?

I have to say (and you won't want to hear it) that it sounds to me as though there is another person lurking in all of this somewhere. It would explain all of the above as well as your husband's depression, stress and anxiety. Guilt shows itself in all sorts of ways. Do you think this might be the case?


Helen

[pebbles]

Our windows and car were damaged to upset someone else. His sister was having problems with someone and they targeted us to upset her more.

He said there was no reason why he fell out of love, he just realised it and then tried to fight it alone for 6 months. There is definately no one else involved, neither has he found anyone else attractive to sway his feelings - he has answered me honestly about this and I do believe him - we had a very good relationship.

He is moving jobs as he has been in this one since leaving school, and feels that the job he has been offered with be less demanding, better hours and better pay.

It is so hard to come to terms that the trust I had in myself for judgement was so wrong. He even sent me the best card ever for Valentines day, so I had no clue it was coming, the card only increased my sense of security in the relationship. Plus the fact the every morning and everynight he told me he loved me.

[mihu]

Hi Pebbles,

From my point of view, he still loves you. I think he is sufferring from depression and pressure. These causes him to behave very abnormal. He may not be able to cope with these without your help. Stay with him. Encourage him. Going out again with him like friends. Take your time and get back together. He will eventually realise that how important is his wife and his family.

Good luck!

[pebbles]

I have thought a great deal about the appointment we have with Relate tomorrow evening and have decided to cancel it. I know how stubborn my husband is once he has made his mind up about something, and I think that this appointment will only make him dig his heels in further.
I have however, managed to get him to say that if he has any small return of feelings, or misses me at all, then that is the time to reconsider his decision. Even if we just date once a week and take it slowly.
I know I am probably clinging on to hopes, but I cant give up on what I thought was our perfect life.

[Helen]

Pebbles,

Why cancel it? You can go on your own and, believe me, you will benefit. The cost is not too much for one person. Not where a marriage is concernerd - believe me. I only wish my ex had been willing to go...


Helen

[jools]

Hi Pebbles
It is highly likely that your H feeling that he's fallen out of love could be due to his depression (as Mihu suggested). Men often associate a loss of libido with a loss of being in love. Women are not so quick to make this link. 80% of people with bad depression experience this loss of feeling. The fact that he felt suicidal about this and that there's no one else makes this seem quite likely. I have experienced similar experiences with my own H and now that he seems to be coming through the depression he is more attentive and loving.

If this is the cause he won't be willing to consider "marriage guidance" because he will feel that things are too hopeless. You will need patience to come through this. I've been "at it" for 2 years now! The more anxious you are the worse it'll make him. He has to come through it at his own pace. Good luck. Jools
________
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[pebbles]

His sexual appetite has remained the same through all of this! He said that he felt suicidal because he knew how much this was going to devastate me, but wouldnt have done it.
I think it came to a head on Saturday night as it was a big let down for him to see how few of his work colleagues turned up for his leaving do, especially when everyone tells him how much he will be missed and what a nice person he is.
He is expecting some kind of "sorry you are leaving" speech from his manager - as they do for other long standing employees. H says he doesnt want them to, but will be upset if they dont. I found out last night that nothing was planned so I have had a word with someone so they can say a few words - I just dont think another let down is good at this moment in time.
How do you recommend I behave towards him now? Do I continue to let my emotions run freely, cry and tell him I cant believe this is happening etc etc. Or do I be a good friend and let him see that I am coping and he is free to move on without guilt. My only fear is that if I do the latter then he will think that I dont want him to come home.

[jools]

Crying in front of him won't achieve anything (been there and done it!) Your second option is better...being a strong, good friend who appears to be coping. Having said that, I made the mistake of trying to soften all the blows for my H too. It's sometimes better to stand back and let them work their way through things. He won't see your strength as a sign of you not wanting him. In fact it'll make him more likely to want to be back in your life.
Jools. X
________
Avandia Settlements (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/avandia/)

[pebbles]

I have been through a similar situation many years ago with my first husband - but there were things wrong with the relationship that meant it was better in the long run for it to end (he was mentally abusive) so I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sitting here thinking, H hasnt had much enjoyment from things for a while - hasnt been enjoying food, having sex but not enjoying it as much as a year ago (before the windows), not wanting to go out.
My huge worry is that my H will never change his mind, or if he does, how long will he change it for or how long will it take?
We will remain excellent friends etc, but do I stop the sex?

[pebbles]

It is the anniversary of his Grans death today and he is no different from usual. No signs of emotions etc.
He has also said that he wont miss me, the kids or the home when he has left "its just routine".
I'm filling out forms about our seperation without letting him see how gutted I am, he doesnt need this today.

[pebbles]

Well my H has started to pack some of his clothes today - it is breaking me apart. He leaves tomorrow afternoon to move into his parents and I dont know how I will get through the day.
He has a night out planned for tomorrow evening for a final farewell with his old work collegues then back to his parents. He is also keeping an arrangement with a friend to go out tonight after work instead of spending a little time with the kids (they havent seen him since Tuesday with starting this new job). He says the arrangement was made 3 weeks ago - before he said he wanted to leave.
He still see's this as permanent, while we are all hoping that he will change his mind (which there is no chance as he hardly ever changes his mind once its made up).
I dont know if I feel angry, hurt or rejected? I still havent had a reason why he fell out of love - he says there isnt one. He seems so cold and distant.

[jools]

So sorry, Pebbles. You must be going through hell at the moment. Just a thought...there's a web site that someone else on here recommended some time ago. I think you'll find the forums on there full of women who have experienced exactly what you are now going through. They are very supportive of each other and might even add a little insight to your situation. Try www.fortysixty.org (http://www.fortysixty.org) and click on the forums section.
Jools. X
________
BRUNETTE TUBE (http://www.****tube.com/categories/15/brunette/videos/1)

[pebbles]

Thanks for that website - it really opened my eyes to a few things I thought were just myths!

He left yesterday afternoon (Staurday) and I have kept myself busy so I dont have to think about it. He has already made arrangements to come and visit the kids.
H still says he doesnt love me and if we gave it a 2nd chance then I would be giving my usual 120% when he wouldnt even be trying. If he feels like this and we have known for 2 weeks that he would be moving out, why has he still wanted sex and gave me kisses and cuddles right up until yesterday morning?

He says that if he has any doubts he will come back and talk about it, but he is absolutely sure of what he is doing and there will be no doubts.

I am so confused, I am hoping his time away will change his mind but he says it wont happen.

[greeneyes]

pebbles
please dont take me wrong here
is your husband having an affair? reason I ask is my husband suddenly out of the blue did exactly the same as yours, and started masquerading that he was depressed - everyone in my family fell for it, and i found out shortly afterwards he was having an affair, and trying to wriggle out of the marriage without looking the bad guy...
please bear this in mind - of course it could be the real thing..butI just wanted to give you my view

[pebbles]

thanks for the replies. It seems to get harder to cope as the days go by.

Its affecting my oldest child more than I thought it would - he was asked to leave college today for refusing to do something he was asked.

There is absolutely no way that there is anyone else involved. H said that if he had a reason for not loving me he would tell me. He is coming for tea tomorrow night to see the kids - he still wants us to be friends.