help/exausted wife and mother

[addria1979]

lets start with me
i am currently waking up at 5:30 am to get my husband off to work then by 7:00 am i have 4 toddlers for daycare on top of my own 2
at 3:00 the daycare kids leave leaving me with 30 minutes to start dinner and get ready for job number 2 .. i make sure laundry dishes and floors bathrooms ect are done before i leave
bryan gets home at 3:30 pm. so i can go to work
the probem is when i get home
our kids are filthy in bed in the cloths i put them in that morning and toys are everywere(the kids go to bed at 8 pm)i get home at 10 i think he could/and should make an effort to pick up
not much but the toys , the dishes wipe spills off the floors little stuff
if i ask him to do those things he says shut up or he says i am not doing anything anyways why cant i do it or as much as laughing in my face/if i ask him to help with the kids he says there yours i didnt want them ..(thats not true)...
i am soo exausted
how do i make him see that i need help that its not funny
help....

[London]

how about you leave home for a week to make him see that it's not all "nothing". Did you not see this side of him before?

It's also quite clear that if he says "shut up" to you that he has respect issues that go beyond just not looking after the kids. Have you tried standing up to him on this issue? It seems that he sees you primarily as a a second class citizen who is only there to service his needs. Stop servicing ALL his demands (sex or otherwise) and see what he does. I'm afraid that you should have done this a long time ago.... but alas, its never too late to start telling him where to go if he doesn't start helping out.

[Helen]

Hi Addria,

First, why are you getting up at 5.30 am to see your husband off to work? Surely he is a big boy now and can fend for himself? If I were you, I would spend an extra hour and a quarter in bed and then get up to tend to your kids and the kids for daycare.

My second question is are the 2 kids you refer to your children with your husband? I ask because if they are, how can he say they are yours and he didn't want them? That is a terrible thing to say. Even if they are not his children, when he married you, surely he realised you and the kids came as a package. In marrying you he was committing to you and the kids. Not just you. Not that he sounds particularly committed to you, to be honest...

I would tell him that, at the very least, he should ensure that the kids are washed and in their pyjamas before they go to bed. He should also do his utmost to get the kids to pick up their own toys before they bathe for the night. He is supposed to be their dad, after all. If he can't do that then you are going to have to give up the second job to take care of the home and kids properly. You will see the grin fall off his face when you say this, believe me.

At the moment, your husband is behaving like a juvenile. There is no sense of responsiblity there whatsoever. It has to be said, in getting up to take care of him in the mornings, you are behaving like his mom. Well, sometimes mommy has to cut the apron strings. I would start by telling him he has to fend for himself in the mornings from now on. Then I would give him the ultimatum: either you pitch in or I sacrifice the second job (and income) for the sake of the home - and my sanity.


Helen

[addria1979]

no ive never had him act that way before andf if i do try to stand up to him he threatens abuse
if i withhold sex he will just keep me awake all night until i either relent or go lock myself in with our kids as to leaving for a week he would completely neglect our kids

[addria1979]

if i dont get up to see him out he is so loud he wakes up the kids ages 2 and 4
they are our kids. and it kills me that in private he is so neglectful but in front of the church and his family he is great(their opinion)when i went to our pastor his reply way he provides by working what more can you ask of him
my family only believes a woman should leave her husband if there is cheating or physical violence (there has been the threat of it but never it)sometimes i wish hed either cheat or hit me so i'd have a solid reason to leave

[Helen]

Addria,

If, by abuse, you mean he is threatening you with physical violence, tell him to try it. You will have the cops there so fast his head will spin. Make it clear that no man is going to touch you or your kids and you mean it. It is important to make him understand that he cannot just threaten you and he certainly cannot hit you without repercussions. He needs to grow up and start acting like a man. At the moment he is behaving like a brat.

In terms of sex, no means no. Marital rape is a serious offence. Just because you are married it does not mean you have to get on your back whenever he wants a bit. This is about respect and the man isn't showing you any at all. He is treating you like a slave and a hooker. You are neither. But see my other post too. There are lots of issues here that need to be nipped in the bud. If he has only just started acting out in this way, you can probably put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. But that will mean standing up to him and letting him know that you are not afraid of him and will bring in the law if necessary.


Helen

[London]

no ive never had him act that way before andf if i do try to stand up to him he threatens abuse
if i withhold sex he will just keep me awake all night until i either relent or go lock myself in with our kids as to leaving for a week he would completely neglect our kids

If he threatens you with abuse then I would look at getting out ASAP. I was afraid you were going to write what you did - i suspected that he would react as such. You need to make a choice - whether you think carrying on with such a man who would ultimately beat you if you ask him to do work or potentially rape you (and what you describe is rape) if you refuse to have sex bc you are just too exhausted with not only the physical work but also the mental anguish.

To be honest, house cleaning is the LAST of your concerns with this red-neck jerk.

[Helen]

if i dont get up to see him out he is so loud he wakes up the kids ages 2 and 4
they are our kids. and it kills me that in private he is so neglectful but in front of the church and his family he is great(their opinion)when i went to our pastor his reply way he provides by working what more can you ask of him
my family only believes a woman should leave her husband if there is cheating or physical violence (there has been the threat of it but never it)sometimes i wish hed either cheat or hit me so i'd have a solid reason to leaveI think the threats are enough to justify leaving, personally. But why should you leave? You could always have him removed from the house (on the grounds that he has been threatening you and you are afraid for your life) and get a restraining order. It is terrible that he talks about his kids this way and puts them to bed looking like dirty street urchins.

Yes the pastor can talk about him working but you work too - you do 2 jobs! And you are a mother with no support too. You do far more than he does. That is obvious from the things you have said. I would ask him if it's really necessary to make so much noise in the mornings? What is he doing, by the way? Is be playing drums, slamming doors? What?


Helen

[addria1979]

thanks so much

[addria1979]

he slams cabinets doors
stomps
yells from the kitchen where are my keys
what about lunch... stupid stuff

[addria1979]

he just laughs and says no one would believe you
and its true hes everybodys friend
hes in the church
he plays the perfect double life

[addria1979]

how do i prove it he is friends with everyone and is an upstanding citizen in the public eye

[Helen]

he slams cabinets doors
stomps
yells from the kitchen where are my keys
what about lunch... stupid stuffTell him to keep tabs on his own keys. They are his keys after all. He does not need to shout about that sort of stuff in the mornings. In doing so, he is obviously trying to wake you all up and doesn't he think your days are long enough (and filled enough) as it is? As for lunch, he should make his own. Buy all the stuff he needs for sandwich fillings or whatever else you normally give him and leave it all in the fridge, clearly labelled. And tell him to sort it on his own. You do everything in the house. You therefore do not see why you should deprive yourself of sleep to make his lousy sandwiches!

Incidentally, unreasonable behaviour is also grounds to get him removed from the home. Slamming doors, stomping and shouting at 5.30 in the morning is unreasonable, in my opinion. He should watch his step!


Helen

[addria1979]

thank you i will be on tomorrow but it is time to get the kids up from nap and make dinner
(how much is a devorce and what about the kids he would neglect them if he ever got visitation)

[Helen]

how do i prove it he is friends with everyone and is an upstanding citizen in the public eyeAddria,

It isn't always about proof. Only you see the full picture - what he is like in public vs what he is like in private. The man you describe is a Jekyll and Hyde character. If you can provide detailed information about incidents that have happened (start keeping a diary - hide it well), there is absolutely no reason why you will not be believed.

If it ever comes to pass that he carries out any of his threats to hit you (and I sincerely hope he never does), make sure you call the cops and get photographs of any injuries. Similarly, if he does anything in the house or behaves in any way that is unreasonable, if you can take pictures, take them. And record them in that diary.

If push comes to shove and you decide you cannot deal with his crap any more, that sort of information is a goldmine to the authorities.


Helen

[Helen]

thank you i will be on tomorrow but it is time to get the kids up from nap and make dinner
(how much is a devorce and what about the kids he would neglect them if he ever got visitation)Well, you could always insist on supervised visitation, for the reasons you have outlined...as for divorce, I am afraid I am from the UK and have no idea how much these things cost in the States. But maybe another of our members can help with this. If so, no doubt they will post for you.

Have a good evening with the kids.


H

[addria1979]

i think you have to prove without a reasonable doubt that he is abusive to get supervised visitation in the us

[shadow]

Abuse just dont come from actually physaical contact.... emotional and verbal abuse are just as bad and maybe even worse.

[Helen]

i think you have to prove without a reasonable doubt that he is abusive to get supervised visitation in the usAddria,

A smoking gun is not the only form of evidence that a child custody judge would accept - this is not a murder trial, after all! If you have a detailed diary which has names, dates and times with details of the incidents and if you have supplementary evidence (where necessary) of things he has done in the house or anything else (such as pictures, evidence of abusive phone calls, etc), that can constitute sufficient evidence to prove without reasonable doubt. All of that said, I am not an Attorney. It sounds to me as though you could do with some legal advice. Is there anywhere you could go to get advice that would be free?

And I agree with Shadow - if he is verbally abusive or abusive in other ways, that amounts to the same thing as actual physical abuse.


Helen

[addria1979]

i think that the kids and i are going to take a long vacation. As soon as i drum up the money we are either going to go to maine(bryan would never think of it)
or we might go across the pond to scotland as i have family there .
and well we will see if i ever set foot in ohio again accept for the final dIvorce proccedings

[Helen]

Addria,

A holiday would be good. But be careful - your husband might have you charged with kidnapping his kids if you remove them from the country and don't come back...


Helen

[addria1979]

oh id come back into america but not back to ohio
but right before i leave i will file for divorce so that we can relax
if i left the country i let him know but not tell him exactly where in scotland

[addria1979]

he only knows my grandmas married name not her maden name
so he could make an educated guess but not be sure

[Helen]

Hi Addria,

I wish you luck. But do be aware that the UK police can trace UK residents in all sorts of ways. If your husband says anything to the Police in the US, they will just contact their counterparts over here in the UK and they will probably find your grandma pretty quickly...sorry :(


Helen

[London]

Would a restraining order be possible to get - if you could convince the courts that H poses a danger to you and/or the kids?

[addria1979]

i have been asking around about it and i dont know he i friends with both the local police forces where we live it would take him actually hitting me to make them believe it..