husbands female friend

[insearchofhelp]

I need some honest opinions out there. I have a situation in my marriage. I don't know if I am over reacting or should be concerned. My husband recently (about 6 months ago) met a women while out of town. He has continued to be in touch with her. Talking to her about two or three times a week. At first I wasn't too concerned, but then it became a thing where he would only talk to her while I was away. Now it is only from work. I mentioned to him I was concerned that maybe this was becoming too emotional a relationship, a little more than just friendship and he became very defensive. They also have exchanged Christmas and birthday gifts, though he has been totally up front about this.

He has not been to her area of the country again, I know nothing sexual happened while he was out there. Though he does have intentions of making another trip up there in the summer. I am hoping that he will take the initiative and invite me, I guess we'll see, I think that would be the only right thing to do.

I have especially become suspicious since I first mentioned it to him because he has felt the need to become even more secretive about this. Of course, he may only be concerned about my feelings and trying to spare them.

I find myself constantly worried about this and wondering if he has talked to her today, etc. I have occasionally asked him questions like this to which he also is very defensive. I really feel as if he has put this friendship above our marriage. I know if I were doing something that caused him such concern I would re-evaluate my actions.

He tells me he has always seen us growing old together and that he loves me. I know he does, but he has never been able to put anyone elses feelings above his, I have just always accepted this is who he is. In this case though I am haveing so much trouble with it. I guess I'm just afraid I am being made a fool of or will be. I think at this time he really doesn't believe he is doing anything wrong, as he may well not be. But just to put us and himself in such a vulnerable position has me so worried and hurt that he would do so.

I have recently made a decision that I have to stop worrying that this may be doing my marriage more harm than good and let God handle my worries. Of course, easier said than done or I wouldn't be typing this right now. So I have decided I cannot continue to look at his phone bills etc. If he is only talking two or three times a week, it may only be friendship. Just be the best wife I know how and try to trust and have faith in what he has told me.

I know this is what is required of me as a Christian. I hope that if I can be a good example to him and keep things good between, this friendship may just dwindle, but if I keep bringing it up to him it may push him her way even if there is nothing to begin with.

Anyone out there with similar experiences,that may have some insight or suggestions for me?

[London]

Religious naivete aside, you should listen to your instincts. If they are telling you something doesn't feel right about this relationship, then odds are, it's not. You talk about "God handling your worries" - well, this is his way of saying to you "wake up and smell the coffee" - he's given you the tools to do that. You could choose to ignore it, but then when you look back you will kick yourself for not reacting sooner.

Get your H to tell you more about this woman and why she is so "wonderful" yet out of town... suggest to him that if she is so great, then you would like to be part of that world with him. If he objects further at this, then I'd have to reconsider what the "relationship" really is.

BTW, how do you know nothing sexual happened last time? Men don't just "latch" on to another woman who is across the country just becuase she has a "great personality" - what's in it for him? Also, does he have other "local" female friends that you are aware of? How do those relationships compare?

[hoxton]

My situation is simlar,
My H has been speaking to some other woman for the past year on and off and he still says he has never slept with her so he has not been unfaithfull the fact is if when you met your H he was friends with another woman you would of met her and she would of become your friend the fact he has found a (friend in someone else) which I am sorry it sounds like more than that to me.
You dont buy gifts for another woman who is your new friend ! and the fact he keeps his relationship with her seperate from his relationship at home with you is wrong.
I feel there is more to it than that.
I can only speak of my own experience and that is that my H says it was flirting at first and sending crude pics to eachother but then it mainly became just friends talking all the time that is what hurt me not so much the sexual part but the fact I should be the one that is his friend and it should of been me who he was talking to. And just because your H says he has not slept with her ? you never know he may be planning and they could be flirting already.
If I were in your shoes I would seriously consider telling him that it has to stop the writing is on the wall you can eitha ignore it or try and sort it before it goes to far.
good luck.
Amanda x

[insearchofhelp]

hoxton,


sounds like you are still w/your husband though? How are you dealing w/the situation

[shadow]

i would go with your gut instinct too, maybe in the beginning it was just a friendship but now some bonding and feelings are starting, that is why he is starting to be secretive. If she was just a friend then he would include you into that friendship.

I would nip this in the bud right away before something does happen, especially with the upcoming trip. Explain to your husband your feelings and that it does not look right with him being secretive. That you do not know this woman and if she was just a friend then to include you, his wife. That way once you get to know her then either the feelings were just not founded or you will see that they was right. I would ask him how he would feel if you was the one secretly having a friendship with a man and getting gifts from him. If he says that it would not bother him, then that is probably not the truth, and making him feel justified with his friendship. He should not bother him if you was open with him but if you was hiding the fact then his red flags would go up.

Dont blind yourself by not looking for the answers, you deserve to know, and trust me the wondering is worse then finding out the truth. He needs to understand how you feel, marriage is about putting the other in front of yourself, and I dont see you being just a overly jealous person normally. Stick with your gut and go from there.

[hoxton]

Yes I am still with my H and we are trying to sort things out,
He has told me he knows what he has done is wrong and he knows he shouldnt have a relationship with someone else that is kept from me and that he is sorry for hurting me but it still does not change the fact he is still maintaining that he has not been unfaithfull to me being unfaithfull isnt about just having intercourse with someone else it is the the feelings that you have for someone out side of your marrage and the fact he deceived me for a year, He has been talking and texting her for a year on and off and I know the texts were sexual and that at some point it went from texting to speaking, To me he was unfaithfull,
How am I coping well I have bad days and better days He has told me he will never speak to her again and is sorry He destroyed the other mob, but I know he can still get another one, but I have to give him a chance I owe it to the kids and us.
But i do know one thing and that is if I see one more text or phone call from or to her it will be over and I will leave him I am not going to share my husband with anyone else be it emotionly sexualy or any other way.
How are you feeling about it now ?

[andy]

London - Why are you so aggressive towards religion? Is it all organized religion or just Christianity? While it would be great for you to become a Christian, she was not pushing her faith on you. Nor am I. If you don't believe it, leave it alone... but allow others to speak their minds.
Andy

[andy]

Insecurity in a relationship stinks. It can be worked through, though. Only in the past three to six months have I come to realize that I can not control my wife in any way. She makes a choice to stay with me, or to leave (each day). I can love her, care for her, etc... and she still makes the choice. For soooo long, I thought I was in control of both of us. But, I am so much happier now. What a relief! If she were to leave, I would be devastated. But, it is outside of my control. Yes, I would fight to have her stay... but, in the end... I could live peacefully if I knew I did all I could. Andy

[insearchofhelp]

Andy thanks that helps

[London]

London - Why are you so aggressive towards religion? Is it all organized religion or just Christianity? While it would be great for you to become a Christian, she was not pushing her faith on you. Nor am I. If you don't believe it, leave it alone... but allow others to speak their minds.
Andy

Look Andy - where was i aggressive towards religion here? In general, I don't think one can wash their hands of responsibilities by dumping it on religion or by claiming "that's what God wants" etc..... Those are my beliefs and NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A CHRISTIAN. IT WOULD NOT BE GREAT so don't start.

Now with with respect to insearchofhelp's reference to religion, i was actually siding with her - that if she feels strongly about the "hand of God" here - then she actually listen to the voice inside her - that is our connection with our spritual side, you know, the one that guides us in being better human beings.

Too often people cite religion for being subservient or for allowing other people to walk all over us. In this case, **if** insearchofhelp ignores her inner voice that something is "not right" becuase her religion makes her feel that questioning her husband is behaviour not becoming of a proper "Christian" wife then I think she'd be making a huge mistake. It seems to me, that she is questioning which "voice" to listen to - that of politicised hegemony that led to the construct of the faith or that of her voice.

So please andy, read what i have written more carefully next time before you start accusing me of something i wasn't doing or worse, implying that becoming yet another robot in the christian world would be "great".

[jools]

Having just read your post my thoughts were of concern for you. I see London's perspective. Even if you are a Christian, the problem is still yours. Acceptance might just accelerate the situation. This is a VERY DANGEROUS situation for your marriage. The fact that your H shares the knowledge of his "frienship" with you suggests that you are a pretty tolerant woman. Personally, I'd tell him that the frienship was unacceptable but I know that that wouldn't change anything. It's tricky, cos ultimatums can't change a person's feelings. Have you told him that there are too many women in your marriage? I'd be ready to murder one of them by now! Not very christian or constructive BUT if there's gonna be sh*t i'd rather deal with it now than a year or two down the line! This is NOT good and NOT acceptable. I would say, don't accept it.
Jools.
________
Hemp Marijuana (http://marijuanahemp.com)

[andy]

London - thank you for your reply. My feelings for true Christian faith are as strong as your feelings appear to be against it. -
In search of help...good luck to you.
Andy

[Murray]

London.

Why call Andy a religous freak, is it becuase he dared to question your view ? What does being a bully all the time achieve for you ?

Insearchofhelp -

Hi, I hope things will work out for you and your H. Have you sat down with him and asked what in his view is wrong (if anything) with your marriage and is there something that you could do differently to help ?

I'm not saying in any way that this IS the problem, but sometimes we push our partners away without realising it and they don't feel they can approach us to talk about it. Somebody else fills the void and away it goes.

I have recently been very, very foolish in my relationship and am trying to get it back on an even keel. Looking back, we both agree now (although it took for ever to understand this) that there were problems many months ago that we just papered over rather than fix them for good.

I felt resentment, she felt I was unapproachable, along came an old friend, away it went. I still should have stopped and talked more before leaving, no doubt about it, but I felt I had reached a point where I was'nt listened to no matter how hard I tried.

Maybe your H thinks this way too. I hope so becuase it is then fixable. An old cliche perhaps but sit down and have a heart to heart, it might work wonders.

All the very best,
Murray

[insearchofhelp]

Murray,


I have sat down and talked to him. At very first when I started to feel uncomfortable. When he first came home from his trip, he told me alot about it. Circumstances during his trip sort of threw the two of them together unexpectedly. He really enjoyed this time though and was did not hide anything about it (as far as I know, and I do believe this). I was a little cautious at first, because I could see how he lit up when he talked about her. I tried not to jump to any conclusions thought, because I know what happened on the trip to throw them together, and really she saved his trip for him. I was not resentful of this. Though as I say a little cautious. From there came the phone calls, at home right in front of me to begin with. Then there were a couple of 1 - 2 hours calls, still he did not hide the fact, but they were always when I was out somewhere. Finally, after about a month of this and seeing the way he lit up when he talked about her, etc. I did ask him if he felt everything was OK with us. He was surprised, "Yeah, why" type reaction. I told him how I was feeling, that I wondered if this friendship of his was maybe a little inappropiate. Maybe he was spending too much time talking to her. This is when he got upset, very defensive, and said I was just a jealous type, andjust didn't want him to have any friends. This is just so not true. I have never minded his friend, even female ones, and pointed out to him some of his female friends, and if I were just jealous, I would have a problem with these too. He admited he could see my concern, but there was no reason for it and they were just friend. Though at this time his actions were different than what I would expect from a loving man that was concerned with his wifes feelings. He promptly put a password on his e-mail. And I did not find this out by snooping, he was trying to put a password on his e-mail but accidentely put the password on the computer, so when I attempted to ge on it needed a password. I was very upset by this, but I helped him put the password only on his e-mail, so I could access the computer. This is when I feel he started to feel the need to hide everything. Phone calls started to take place only from work, which I admit thought I really didn't like him talking to her from home anyhow, I would feel nervous the whole time he was talking to her. It was upsetting. Though I never nagged at him about it. Anyhow when we orginally talked he assured me that they were only friends, etc. He has no desire to pick up his life and make any changes, he's very happy as is. I believe that, but still have to wonder if this friendship is more than it should be. Though I really think I just have to trust in him and take his word for now. I will have a problem with him going to her area of the country though without inviting me along.

[Murray]

Hi,

It does seem that your H’s friendship is developing and him starting to become secretive on some things is bound to make you feel suspicious. I’m glad that you were able to sit down and talk to him about things and the fact that he told you about how it went says that he doesn’t seem to have anything to hide from you if he’s willing to sit and talk about it.

From what you have said about your H he seems to be enjoying the attention of somebody ‘new’ but hasn’t considered nor wants to take it any further than that.

True, it’s concerning that he has started to become secretive etc and that’s something you may have to bite the bullet with and actually sit down and ask him frankly why he’s doing that but I think what is happening is that the OW may be wanting more from the friendship but your H doesn’t though he still likes the attention he’s receiving from her.

Again, I would say try as hard as you can to find out what the OW is giving your H that makes him want to keep in close contact.

It’s difficult, very difficult, because when somebody else gives us some attention that perhaps we haven’t rec’d in a while it new, it’s exciting and it makes us feel good. The key now is to find out what it is that may be missing in your relationship with your H and try to do something about it jointly.

I think that when your H realises that you are as interested in him as somebody else may be he will become as keen as you are to move forward again in your marriage.

I ask you to think of this too. You seemingly have done nothing wrong here, you have just asked a few questions and realized that everything is perhaps not as it should be. But what you are doing is trying to head something off before it becomes a problem rather than stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away. It won’t you know.

I’m pretty sure that your H is flattered by the attention he’s receiving from somebody else and is enjoying the moment. We all like to feel good about ourselves and attention from somebody else is certainly one way of getting that. In his mind I’m also sure he thinks it is innocent which is maybe why he became defensive with you. If you back off from showing him you really do care now, it may appear to him that you aren’t interested and will only add fuel to the fire of his getting attention elsewhere.

It’s a tough one because we can all sometimes come across as accusational when all we are trying to do is just ask why and what, but I’m sure that from how you sound you really do care and will find the method to reason without inflaming the situation.

Best wishes,
Murray