Affairs in Office

[Mihu]

He is a man who I know about four years ago. We have been working in the same office for years before we know that we do love each other. I am married with a kid four years ago. Our affair started eight months ago and at the time he was engaged and not married yet. He got married last month. I attended his wedding with my husband. It was heart broken when I was listening to his speech that he gave on wedding day.. trying to explain how much is he love his new wife and how did they get together and decided to get married. What a lie? Is he love his wife or me?

It is really silly for me to involve in this relationship with him. I try and try to forget about everything. It is a secret. I can't tell anybody. Unfortunately his mum knows about it, but she says nothing.

He is on his honeymoon now. I hope not to see him again. But it is impossible for me to change my job at he moment. Definitely I will see him again when he comes back. I do not know what to do now.

I have to fight to get this over but somehow I feel that I love him so much and I am not sure whether I still love my husband or not. I feel hard to communicate with my husband... hard to understand each other. I wonder why I married him in the first place.

This relationship involved two marriages. It is not fair to my husband and his wife. But what can we do now? Try to avoid each other? No talking to each other? I do not know. We do not go out after office hours. We know the risk and we know it is not right to have an affair.. but why me?

I hope somebody will give me some advice! Please!

[Soulful]

You guys sound like two wonderful people.

S

[Helen]

Mihu,

While you love him it sounds to me as though he does not love you. Otherwise, why did he get married? Are you content to be his bit on the side? Because that is what you have been throughout his engagement and, if you continue the affair now he is married, that is all you will be. If he loved you, he would not have married his fiancee. He would have tried to persuade you to leave your husband. I am assuming he didn't because from previous remarks you have made about your husband, it sounds as though you would be happier with your lover.

When you say you knew each other for years before knowing that you 'loved each other', I think you are mistaken. You realised you were attracted to each other. An entirely different thing to love. It sounds to me as though love came to you but not necessarily to him.

How to end it? Realise that this man is using you for sex. Realise and understand that he doesn't love you. The facts to support these statements are evident in what you have written. If you are happy to be a mistress, by all means, carry on seeing this man. But be aware that you would then be putting his marriage at risk. Do you really want to do that? If the answer is genuinely no, it might be easier to let go of him than you realise.

Is there any way that you could be moved to a different area in your offices, so that you don't have to see him?


Helen

[Soulful]

He married someone else and you are married. He is a liar and a cheat and you are a cheat too!!!! What on earth are you thinking?

What about your poor husband? He is the one with the right to feel hurt in all of this.

[mihu]

Thanks Soulful and Helen.

Finally I have got some reply. I do know that he wants to have sex with me. Thanks god. It is not happenning yet and I am still not be prepared to offer him sex yet.

I do try my best to avoid him. As I mentioned in my previously, his mum knows about it and she said me to behave myself.

After all, I am not sure whether he loves me or not. But one things he told me before he got married was nothing will be changed. Means that I already got married and he is going to get married at the time.

I try not to talk to him anymore about private chats. Restrict our conversation on WORKS only.

He is on his honeymoon now. I am not going to talk to him again about US. I want to try to love my husband again. Even though he always annoys me. But I married him and I love him.

I am keep on fighting.

There is no way for me to change my job or leave this office at the moment. But I will try. In about three years time.

Silly me.

[Helen]

Minu,

So you are involved in an emotional (rather than physical) affair with this man? Sorry for accusing you of sleeping with him. That said, have you been intimate in any way? By this, I mean kissing, etc? If I were you I would tell this man that things cannot be the same. First of all, it is inappropriate for him to have any kind of relationship with you that is non-professional if he is married to another woman. That will cause problems in his marriage. And secondly, for the same reasons, it will cause problems with your own marriage, which you really want to get back on track. So whatever non-professional involvement you have with this man HAS to end.

If you want to fall in love with your husband again, you need to start having the conversations you have been having ith this other man with your husband. Maybe he isn't a great communicator or maybe there are other problems with him. But he needs to know you are unhappy/dissatisfied with your relationship and you want some changes. Before you have this conversation with your husband, think about what it is you want from him and ask yourself 1) do you think he can he provide it? (Incidentally, only he can really answer that but you may have an idea) and 2) the extent to which you are willing to compromise if he can't.

And when this other man returns from honeymoon, tell him that things cannot continue as they have been for the reasons you have expressed and the ones I have offered above (if you feel they apply).


Helen

[mihu]

Hi Helen,

I do agree to what you were saying. I know things will be changed. We have been holding hands and we are so nervous to go further. He kissed my cheeks twice.. that it! I am so afraid to go further. I am so afraid that I could not control myself and having sex with him eventually.

I try to communicate with my husband now very often. He knows that I was not happy before and he promises to listen to me now.

He loves me. He loves our daughter. He loves our family. No doubt it is my fault to have this affair. But it is very hard to control my feeling. Two days before he got married he reminded me that he was so good to me and he knew that I will miss him. He said he will email me.

I know it is not fair to my husband and his wife.

But..

[Helen]

Mihu,

Your statements lead me to believe that you think you are a slave to your feelings, You aren't. All of us have faced temptation but it is up to each individual to determine whether they will give into it - and to devise strategies to avoid it - IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. It does sound as though you want to give in to your feelings. Only you can decide whether that would be the right thing to do. If you are serious about wanting to get your marriage on track then you won't. It really is as simple as that.

It does sound as though your husband is willing to work with you. I suggest you turn all your attention to him and forget about this man being an alternative.


Helen

[mihu]

Thanks again Helen!

Sometimes I think I am really silly. Going round and round this circle which I should'nt be in. I want to try to get out of it but it seems that I am still in it.

Thanks for this discussion forums. I dare not tell anybody about it and even my best friend. It is because we are in different country and my husband may accidentally read my email or text messages.

I will wait until he comes back from his honeymoon. I am not going to tell him anything. But I will restrict my contacts with him. No more private talks. No more closer to each.

I will hope I could forget him forever. Just be friend or more accurately co-worker.

Thanks again.

Mihu

[mihu]

He came back from his honeymoon and back to work on Monday.

Well, he said not much about his honeymoon but he said that he enjoyed.

I try to control myself and talk as little as possible to him.

I hope I could make it.

Silly me!

[Helen]

He came back from his honeymoon and back to work on Monday.

Well, he said not much about his honeymoon but he said that he enjoyed.

I try to control myself and talk as little as possible to him.

I hope I could make it.

Silly me!Mihu,

If you want to make it you will. It's easy really. You are married, he is married. Therefore there can be nothing between you. If you give into temptation, you will do it because you want to. Not because you 'can't help yourself'. Stop deluding yourself.

You have some self-control - don't you?


Helen

[mihu]

Thanks Helen!

Thanks for your support and advise.

I am still fighting. You are right, he does not love me.

I could make it. I could.. I could!:)

Mihu

[mihu]

Nothing has been changed between us. Relationship seems to get closer and closer. We know that we are wrong and I try to control myself. Just wonder how could that happen? Is that because attention I get from my husband is not enough?

Yes, I could remember. I could not trust my husband again. Because I was cheated by him two years ago. This is I never tell anybody. I am still asking is that my fault to fall in love and having an affair with other man.

He borrows money from different people. I do not know why. I reckond he is gambling. But he never admit. We sit down and talk and he never admit anything.

He changes his mobile phone to silent mode all the time. I suspect he is waiting for some calls or affraid of me listen to his call.

No woman involve in his case

[Helen]

Mihu,

I am not sure what you want people to say to you. You know what you are doing is wrong yet you are still doing it. You say you can't help yourself. YES YOU CAN!! But you don't want to. Why not start being honest with yourself and others here instead of trying to kid us all?

Nothing good can come of your relationship with this man but you don't seem to care. You don't care about your husband nor do you care about his NEW wife. Well, whatever 'bad karma' happens as a consequence you deserve.

But then, I am sure you know that.


Helen

[mihu]

The major problem here is I cannot trust my husband. He tells too many lies. He broken my heart. I try myself to believe and trust him again. Unfortunately, I just still can't.

I think this is the major reason why I could 'fall in love' with this man.

I want to calm myself down first. I do not talk to my husband for the last two days. Just want to clear my own head. I will sit down with him and discuss about our marriage. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.

I am just an ordinary woman. I am working full time and I have a daughter to mind at night. I am not involve in what my husband is doing outside the house..eg. meeting with friends, have a drink witht them, I don't care. I didn't control him. But when it comes to money, I am very carefully.

We bought our house last year. We have to pay our mortagage. My daughter is in creche. We pay 186 per week for her creche. We have other bills to be paid. I have to plan these carefull.

But my husband borrowed 4,000 from the bank and the money gone missing. I asked me a lot a lot of times and even his parents and his brother did ask him where is the money but he can't explain but give excuse. He said he went out for meal with his friends (the most only four of them) over Christmas. and keep on asking me to forget about the money but eventually it costs us 262 to repay the loan..what is that for?

Just right before we moved into our new house last year, my friend rang me to apologize that because they have no money to lend us. She said my husband tried to borrow money from his husband to buy furniture in our new house. But the fact that at that time it was August and we moved into our new house in December. Telling lies again. But when I knew about that I was very clam and questioned him about borrowing money. He admitted that he borrowed money from other friends.. but why? Where is the money gone again?

He was gambling. I found out in his pocket a lot of lottery receipts and bookmakers receipts. He denied that he is gambling but just buying lottery to try luck but how much has he spent on these... he could not explain.

I am now waiting to talk to him to sort these out. It is a waste of time if I am keep on worry things which is not necessary. If this marriage doesn't work out why don't we end it? I am be prepared to do so.

I do know that having an affair is not a great idea but I do not tell him much about my problem. I do not want too many people worry about my silly problem.

[Helen]

Mihu,

I agree that your husband cannot be trusted. But having an affair with a married man is not the way forward. If you must have an affair, find a single man. But ultimately, having an affair is an act of escapism. You are seeing another man in an attempt to get away from your own marital problems. This man has become a fantasy figure for you. He is perfect because he seems honest, he doesn't gamble and he is there for you. These things may be true but it does not make him a suitable person for you to be seeing.

It does sound as though your husband has a gambling problem. But what I would say to you is why should YOU finance that? You need to do some checks to make sure your husband is not remortgaging the house to pay for his addiction. You can block any applications for money using your home as capital - did you know that? Then if your husband borrows money, the debt is his problem, rather than your joint problem. And if he needs to borrow money, he HAS to tell you what it is for.

Ultimately, if your husband is gambling, it is his problem to deal with but as far as you are concerned, having an affair with another man is not the answer. It never is, incidentally. All it is, is a temporary escape. It can never be reality because this man, in particular, already has a wife that he won't be leaving for you. If he does, question - he has just married her; why did he marry her? Second question: if he can do it to her, surely he would do it to you too? The fact is, he knew he liked you but he still married someone else. That should tell you that he did not like you enough to wait for you to extract yourself from this marriage that you are finding a trial. He married someone else and had a nice honeymoon with them. So you are just a bit on the side. The relationship may not be sexual but it is everything but. This guy has the best of both worlds and is unlikely to stop things. So stopping with is going on between you will really be up to you.


Helen

[mihu]

Thanks Helen!

I know I should stop the affair with this man. But my intention now is to solve problem with my husband. I know it was my fault by not telling you the whole story at first.

I admit my husband is a great husband to me and to my daughter. I do not know why he could get involve in gambling and I always hope that he could change. At the moment I try to control all the money that he earns. I am checkiing on him using credit card regularly to ensure that he is not using credit card to withdraw money which he used to do that.

You are right. Relationship is about everything. If you ask me would I married my husband or the man if I have a choice now. Most probably I could tell you is my husband as he has been so good to us.

I am going to sit down and talk to my husband again with a calm mind. Then I will post again.

Mihu

[mihu]

I am getting well with my husband. He spends a lot of time with us now. I try to have control over all the money he earns and he is willing for me to do so. Well, everything looks fine at the moment. Thanks for everyone who gave advices to me. Thanking you againl

[mihu]

Hi everybody, it is me again.

Just want to tell some 'good' news.

My husband went to bank to borrow money again yesterday. Today I found out he is not only borrowing from the bank, he is also borrowing from 'private loan lender' - loan shark and other friends.

At first, I thought I love the man in the office. But now I realise he is only a substitude to my husband as I am not happy with my marriage life.

Well, I have gave my husband a lot a lot of chances, unfortunately, he is not able to change and continue gambling.

I am going to talk to my solicitors next week. I want to get separated and get divorce eventually.

I think this is a good news to me and to my daughter.

Start a new life without this '****' husband, our future will be brighter!

Good luck to me. Feel really relieve after making this decision.

Mihu

[mihu]

My husband came back today. He agreed that we get separate and he is willing to sign the separation agreement. At first, when he came back I thought he will explain why did he borrow money from so many friends or he will admit he is gambling. Unfortunatley, he says nothing.

Well, I hope by ending this marriage my life will be better.

[mihu]

He is still staying with us until tommorrow. Well, just don't like to see him again. Seem that he is not realise what he has done has affected this family.

Just want to tell him: "Please go away from me!"

[Kate]

Hi Mihu

I am sorry that things have gone wrong again for you. The gambling addiction has obviously got so strong, that your husband is not considering those closest to him and you need to act to protect yourself and your daughter before he drags you both into debt too. At least he has agreed to allow you to sort out a separation agreement. I hope that you can get some good legal advice. As Helen has already said, you need to do that before your husband draws you too far into the consequences of his gambling.

Kate

[mihu]

Thanks Kate.

I am really upset and disappointed about him. Until today, he explains nothing even though he knows that I rang up most of his friends and asking about his debt.

At first I think was my fault to 'fall in love' with other man, but when I think rationally, I am not. It is because I have problem with my husband and this man has appeared to be better than him.

I gave him too many chances but I am getting lies and lies and lies and again and again. I do not know why he doesn't keep his promise and why he is not happy with his life.

Well, I only told my brother about this. None of other in the family know about his problem. I do not know what will happen to his mum very she knows about this as about 18 months ago, the same thing happen, he borrowed 4k from the bank, his mum was upset and nearly have a 'heart attack' about his son.

[Helen]

Mihu,

I suspect you are right about realising you were not at fault for this situation but I hope that you realise that the other man is not the answer for you either. He is now married. He has a wife and will no doubt have a family soon. So he is not an option for you. I also think you are right to walk away from this situation. Until your husband is willing to admit he has a problem and is willing to do something about it, he is risking everything for his addiction. Your home together, your savings - everything.

If I were you, I would talk to him about signing over the house to you, just in case his debts get to the point where he cannot honor them. I read a story in a magazine this week. A woman who lost her home because her husband (from whom she was separated) tried to go for personal bankruptcy due to debts brought on by gamblling and drinking. Although they were separated and were in the process of divorcing, because the house was listed amongst his assets, the courts forced her to sell the marital home to settle his debts. The fact that she had kids made not a whit of difference. The Appeal Court said that the creditors' rights came before the rights of the wife and the children. She ended up homeless, with 4 kids. If you have children with your husband, you need to protect your home. Therefore I would seek legal advice about this as soon as possible.


Helen

[saint_gb]

mihu,
yours is a sordid story indeed, and i'd really hesitate to offer 'advice' because it's so intricate and without easy solutions. i'm glad you opted out of the office fling - for the right reasons. i'm also glad you've decided you're better off without your addict husband. life is going to be tough and lonesome for a while and you may get tempted to have a short-term fling just to get some emotional succour into your life, so take every step with your eyes wide open!
hugs to you,
~saint