Should I marry him?

[kelly025]

I am 29, and my boyfriend of 1.5 years has bought “the ring” and he is going to propose soon, so I feel like I don’t have much time left to figure out what to do with this relationship. I would really appreciate some advice from those of you who are already married. I feel like I don’t have many people to talk to about this, it’s hard to open up about a relationship.

What I like most about my boyfriend is that he is a practicing Christian. He was “born again” about three years ago and I really admire how he completely turned his life around…he used to be into porn and sleeping around, but he is truly a good Christian now. In fact I am still a virgin, 1.5 years into our relationship. He is marriage minded and wants to settle down. He is responsible and makes a very good salary. He has the right values and priorities in life, and I know that he would focus on his children. We can have a lot of fun together. He is very helpful in fixing things, driving me places, helping buy my car, that kind of practical stuff – he is always very ready to help, and I really do appreciate that. And he is cute!

What I like least about this relationship though, is that I find that there are many times when I feel quite lonely and starved for emotional intimacy and deeper communication. Sometimes I wonder whether my boyfriend really loves me. But if he didn’t, why would he want to marry me?

Yet often I feel like I am reaching out to him and he doesn't really respond. Our conversations tend to be pretty superficial a lot of the time, and when I try to go deeper, he seems to drift off...Sometimes I feel like he isn't even listening to me when I am talking...I notice that he doesn’t really seem to care to find out what I like, and even when I tell him he seems to forget it and rarely does it for me again.

He is basically never romantic. He hardly ever tells me he loves me. He has apologized for saying it so rarely, but he hasn’t improved. I often find myself longing for some sign of love or caring from him, just a small, sweet word, phone call or email during the day, or something else small and special that wouldn’t be hard to do…much more often the opposite happens, and I feel like I am actually getting “burned”: I send him a sweet email, and he doesn’t reply all day.

Even in our physical affection, I find that he is usually bored pretty quickly if I just want a supporting hug…his affection tends to be more sexual, although we stay well clear of actually going all the way. I’ve noticed that he acts pretty selfish, and I feel like I tend to end up pleasing him more than he pleases me…he doesn’t try to find out or do what I like, but he wants me to do what he likes.

He’s also a pretty critical man, and can be quite mean, unfortunately. When we fight, I notice that I am usually the only one making any concessions, and I’m usually the one who has to make the first move and try to pacify him and reconcile us.

I’ve told him a few times already what I feel like I need in this relationship, but he just tells me that I am making the same mistake as 99% of women and expecting too much romance. He said he can’t change because he would feel fake.

The other little thing that bothers me is that sometimes he makes comments about other women around me, and I wonder if he is trying to make me jealous. Like, he will see an actress on TV and say “she is hot” or something like that. He seems to be doing that more and more. Why does he do that? I feel like he is trying to provoke me…

So, what should I do? *sigh*

I really do like him a lot…I would even say I am in love with him, though I fear that he is not in love with me. But on the other hand, he has the ring ready and wants to propose…it just doesn’t make sense. Often I feel unhappy, lonely, neglected, taken for granted, not understood, and unloved…

And yet, I keep hoping that I am wrong, that he does care about me, and I’m just not seeing it. He is objectively a good catch…and I am afraid to leave him, because I am almost 30…all my friends are getting married and having children, and the thought of hunting for a man all over again is very scary.

What is the problem in this relationship? Is it me, is it him, what is it? What would you do?

[London]

Stay away from him and the ring. This guy just gives me the creeps and once you marry him, i have a feeling you will be trapped in a loveless, romanticless, guilt-ridden marriage. He will manipulate you and will drive you to the brink of depression.

I am sure *you* are a better catch than he is so don;t worry about not following the footsteps of your friends who are already married and having children (is this a race or something???).

His wanting to propose is probably a result of social pressures and he knows that he won;t do any better.... BUT you will. Don't do it!

[jools]

Hi Kelly
I have to agree with London on this one. There's something that's not quite right about this bloke. And I'm NOT convinced that you are in love with him. You kind of mentioned it once (though very begrudgingly). You don't think about a person's CV or prospects when you fall in love, because love (trying to think of something to say here without sounding corny)...I suppose it's often the ONLY consideration (rightly or wrongly). Are you SURE you're in love with him?
Jools.
________
REPLAYE STARCRAFT 2 (http://screplays.com)

[Helen]

Kelly,

It isn't you. Your expectations are not unrealistic either, despite what he says. Please, please do not marry this man. If you marry him you will be miserable for the rest of your life with him. I know because I married someone very much like him. The difference is, my ex husband (we have just divorced) was not a practising Christian. But in every other respect he was like your boyfriend. And I was miserable.

Consider yourself fortunate that you found out what he was like before you married him. Unfortunately, I did not find out what my ex husband was like until we were married because he used to put on an act. He stopped trying once he had put 'the ring' on my finger. He was a generous man in many ways - he could not do enough for our son, for example and he helped me in practical ways too. But he neglected me emotionally. And when I brought up issues in our relationship (the same issues you talk about) he would respond pretty much as your fiance has. Or he ignored me. Or he refused to talk about it. Or he argued (or, rather, sulked).

Being a generous person with material and practical things does not make up for a lack of intimacy. And that is what you have. My ex husband, like your boyfriend, equated intimacy with sex a little too much. There wasn't any conversation. No emotional support, which I needed because I have a very demanding job, in addition to the usual trials life can sometimes present to you. The upshot was I became very frustrated with his refusal to engage with me over the years and eventually, the void between us led to spells of depression on my part. We were married for 20 years but being honest, we only stayed together for the last 8 years for the sake of our son. We split when he was 18 and had finished school.

Like you, despite my ex husband's flaws, I loved him. But I was also deeply unhappy and realised that neither of us could be together for another 20, 30 or 40 years so splitting up was for the best - although it didn't feel that way at the time. And the split, when it came, was incredibly painful because my ex husband had an affair with a woman who did not keep asking him to work on the relationship. His words.

Do not make the same mistake. I know you love this man and giving him up will be painful. But the alternative is to make the same mistake I did and find yourself, 20 years down the line, with your marriage in ruins and wondering what happened. You could also find yourself feeling very bitter that you gave your youth to this man. He has told you he cannot change. Women like a project though. Do not think that you can get him to change once you are married. You can't. It was always a source of frustration for me that I could move mountains in my professional life but in my marriage, I barely made a ripple. I am a strong woman and even I failed.

You are still a young woman. You do have time to find someone else. I only wish I had come to my senses when I was 30 and divorced him then. At least I would have been young enough to start again with someone else. Now that is still a possibility. But given that I am 40, more children are unlikely.

Helen

[kelly025]

Thank you everyone for your responses, they are very helpful. I guess all three of you think he’s not a good person to marry.

Yeah…it’s easier said than done, though…

It’s not that life is a race, it’s just that seeing my friends so happy as newlyweds and new parents…well, I just also really want a family! And I have been waiting for SO long already. If I don’t marry him, then how old will I be when and if I actually get married and have children? I may be a good catch (and I think I am :-), but it just seems near impossible to find the right person to “catch me”…it seems to have been so easy for many of my friends, but I haven't had very good luck in this way. Would it EVER happen? My hair just stands on end when I imagine being alone for the rest of my life…

Sometimes I think my demands are too high, and maybe I just need to “lighten up” and not expect him to be lovey-dovey… maybe this is just how some guys are, even when they love someone, they don’t really express it in any way except by doing practical things… But it’s more than that. It’s that I don’t feel emotional support from him, and I don’t really feel understood or valued as a person.

Helen, if your husband was similar to my boyfriend, I’m wondering do you think he did love you? I could take it better if I knew that he loved me, but it would be awful to marry someone who doesn’t really love me. Maybe he’s just a bad communicator.

Good question though if I love him. I guess I’m not sure. He is my first very serious and long term boyfriend; before him, I always dated guys for about 4-5 months or less…so I guess I’m not sure what it’s *supposed* to feel like…though maybe I should be happier and more certain at the thought of getting engaged to him.

I definitely *like* him…and I feel emotionally attached to him. On the other hand, I so often feel like we are just not emotionally close…and maybe that’s why I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of love. But then I wonder, am I doing something to block him from feeling emotionally close to me? Am I the one who is keeping distant? Could I be causing this? It's true that I don't confide in him much anymore...but that's because I feel like he doesn't really care or understand...and I don't get the kind of support I need from him.

Maybe we’re just not compatible, but neither of us is willing to let go. I do think he has social pressures to get married…he’s going on 37, and it could take a while for him to find someone else…and he wants to have children before he’s 40. So maybe he doesn’t really love me for who I am, but only wants to marry me because I’m a warm body to have babies with…

But maybe I’ve been doing the same thing to him, to some extent. It’s the fear of letting go and facing the unknown, when time is racing by…

Helen, by the way, I completely sympathize with your pain. I'm sorry you've had to go through this for so long...it's very emotionally draining, and it IS depressing...I feel like I have been depressed at times, because it stomps on your sense of self-worth when someone so close to you just doesn't appreciate and love you as you deserve to be loved! I feel awful about your divorce, and I am very sorry. It is heart-wrenching to go through something like that, even if you seemed to have no choice. I am sure though that things will be better for you from now on - you should be proud of yourself, because you acted with courage to do what you knew had to be done. By the way, if you are 40, you *could* still have children...a friend from church just got preagnant again, and she's 42. So hey, don't give up hope :-)

Kelly

[Helen]

Kelly,I just also really want a family! And I have been waiting for SO long already. If I don’t marry him, then how old will I be when and if I actually get married and have children? - ... - My hair just stands on end when I imagine being alone for the rest of my life…Staying with/marrying someone just because you want to have kids is staying with them (and marrying them) for the wrong reasons. Especially if you know there are problems before even going into the marriage. That is just a recipe for disaster. I know you can probably hear that big 'ole biological clock ticking away and you feel like time is running out. Read your advice to me. A friend in the church is pregnant at the age of 42. So why do you feel a need to rush? You have at least 12 years before you need to panic! Truth be told, I have wanted a second child for more than 15 years but I have been forced to wait. The only reason I didn't have one is my husband absolutely refused to entertain the notion. It is ironic, then, that the woman he ended up with has a young child of her own - which my ex husband is now having to take some responsiblity for (although the child - my niece (because the woman was my brother's wife!) - does have a father of her own who is actively involved too). Do not let the old trap of 'biological clock' trick you into a premature and ill-advised stampede down the aisle. There ARE other men out there. The question to ask is are you circulating in the right places to find them?… maybe this is just how some guys are, even when they love someone, they don’t really express it in any way except by doing practical things… But it’s more than that. It’s that I don’t feel emotional support from him, and I don’t really feel understood or valued as a person.Maybe he is this way. Believe me - do not underestimate the importance of emotional support. Women tend to need this far more than men do and men tend not to realise this - despite being told. Because it isn't important to them, they think it isn't important to anyone else. But this (I have learned) is critical if you are to maintain a sound foundation in your marriage. Consider a scenario where you do have kids, you are tired, a bit stressed out, maybe with post-natal blues (which I would not wish on my worst enemy). This man will not be there for you. There will be no support, no understanding. I had post-natal blues (I think it is called post-partum blues in the US) and my ex-husband has hated me ever since. He brought that brief spell of depression up all the time. Just what I needed to feel better. Then he wondered why I was wounded and looked at him with different eyes. This is what you could let yourself in for and believe me, it isn't easy to get through it if your partner is indifferent and thinks you should just 'pull yourself together'.…I definitely *like* him…and I feel emotionally attached to him. On the other hand, I so often feel like we are just not emotionally close…and maybe that’s why I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of love. But then I wonder, am I doing something to block him from feeling emotionally close to me? Am I the one who is keeping distant? Could I be causing this? It's true that I don't confide in him much anymore...but that's because I feel like he doesn't really care or understand...and I don't get the kind of support I need from him... always dated guys for about 4-5 months or less - … - so I guess I’m not sure what it’s *supposed* to feel like…though maybe I should be happier and more certain at the thought of getting engaged to him.See my previous response. This isn't about you. It's about him. I am practically jumping up and down now because I so want you to hear and understand what I am saying to you! First, I don't know if all consuming love and passion happens for everyone. I think that is the stuff of romance novels. Sure, you may meet someone that you respond to on a physical level and that you feel incredibly passionate about. Or you may meet someone that you feel great love for. I am not sure how often the two happen together. I am hoping it will happen for me! At the very least, for you, I would have hoped there would be some passion and some (openly expressed) love there - on both your parts. If you are asking questions at this stage, your instincts are telling you something is wrong. It is crunch time. You need to decide whether you could accept the lack of affection for the rest of your life. I can tell you now, it will be hard. If you can accept that this man is not a demonstrative person and is unlikely to indulge in displays of affection, you can probably make it work. If you can't (and I suspect this is what your instincts are telling you - you can't), you need to think about what happens now.

You said 'I don't get the kind of support I need from him'. Can you see the problem with this statement? It worries me greatly. Kelly, if he is this way in the period when he is supposed to be actively pursuing you and impressing you with his displays and vows of love, what is he going to be like when you marry him and settle into the humdrum (some say monotony) of marriage and kids? Things can only go downhill in this department if he is the way he is now. If you can live with it - fine. If not, maybe you need to rethink committing to this guy in the long term. And tell him why.Helen, if your husband was similar to my boyfriend, I’m wondering do you think he did love you? I could take it better if I knew that he loved me, but it would be awful to marry someone who doesn’t really love me. Maybe he’s just a bad communicator..To be honest, half of me thinks he needed someone to rescue him from his pain. Before I got together with him, he had had a relationship with another woman, which ended badly when she had an affair with his father. If I had been older and more worldly, I would have realised that getting together with him would be a bad move because that sort of betrayal (and trauma) is bound to mess a person up emotionally. But I was young (19) and inexperienced. I will say I felt a great deal for him. I would call it love. And I know he did love me in those early days. The thing that got to me is he displayed his affection in those early days but when we married, it was like he cut out that step. So we could not just have a kiss and cuddle and say we loved each other. It had to be a kiss, cuddle and sex - without the statements of love on his part. Most of the time I felt like I was being groped. Conversation stopped too - communication is critical in a good relationship. I was happy to talk about anything and everything but when I changed careers (I previously worked in a shop - that was where I met him - he was my boss) and moved to a Government Department 16 years ago, he suddenly felt as though he could not keep up with me in conversation. It didn't matter what we were talking about. So he stopped trying. I tried to reassure him and instigated many, many conversations but it all fell on deaf ears.Maybe we’re just not compatible, but neither of us is willing to let go. I do think he has social pressures to get married…he’s going on 37, and it could take a while for him to find someone else…and he wants to have children before he’s 40. So maybe he doesn’t really love me for who I am, but only wants to marry me because I’m a warm body to have babies with…Again, I repeat. You are marrying for the wrong reasons - and so is he. I said earlier this is about him and you. Forget that. This is about you. Not his wants and needs. Forget social pressures. Forget other people. This is about you and whether you can live in a loveless, affectionless, communicationless marriage - forever. Be aware that if you marry this man, you are vowing to stay with him forever. Forever is a long time to stay with someone who is incapable of communicating and displaying affection. My own marriage was dogged by periods where we barely spoke. In the end, I stopped trying too and that is what sunk us. It was okay for him to stop communicating but when I stopped trying to get him to communicate, I became some demon. Do not get me wrong. I did not give up entirely. Throughout our marriage, I begged him repeatedly to go to marriage counselling. He refused. I also begged him to go to the doctor regularly because he seemed to be depressed. Again, he refused. I should add that I had therapy twice during our marriage due to my own depression with the state of our relationship. Despite seeing me go through it and come out the other side, he still dismissed it as quackery and wouldn't have anything to do with it. Having said all that, he thinks it is my fault the marriage ended. He says I made no effort! He doesn't see anything wrong with his own conduct at all. Incidentally, all communication stopped only in the last year, after we had spent a year sleeping in separate bedrooms. That is a whole other story that I will not bore you with now. The point is, if he is selfish with his love and if he is selfish with his communication, chances are he will be selfish in other ways too.

I think marrying this guy would be a mistake, feeling the way you do. It can only end badly but you seem to be saying you are willing to risk that, to have the children you desperately want. I say don't do it. I almost had a breakdown when my marriage ended. I could not eat or sleep AT ALL for more than 3 weeks. I lost more than 28lbs in that time. All I did was clean the house, cry and drink. My hair fell out. I could not work for 3 weeks. The list goes on and on. Think about it. If the crash comes once you have children it will be messy.

I think I have waffled on enough! I hope you manage to find something useful here.


Helen

[jools]

Why are you even considering marrying someone that you obviously don't love...from your post it IS pretty obvious. The way you're scrabbling around for every other reason bar that one. You say yourself you're "not sure" which really means you're NOT. You wouldn't have to think about it if you were. The longer you spend with him the less time you will have to find someone that you do love. I reckon BIG mistake if you jump into this one!
Jools
________
FIX PS3 (http://fixps3.info/)

[Kate]

Dear Kelly

It's very hard from most postings here to get a clear picture of anyone's relationship. All I can do is to point you towards resources that might help you both to make sure you want to marry each other.

You could try an Engaged Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/eeang/) weekend or one of the other marriage preparation courses like FOCCUS or Prepare all listed here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/).

One thing that strikes me about what you say is that you are very different. Why not have a look at the tip on Love Languages (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html) and see whether it sheds any light on your differences.

Remember if he asks you to marry him, you don't have to say yes straight away. There is no hurry, just because your friends are settling down. Sort out your differences now before you make a commitment.

Kate

[kelly025]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. They really are very helpful. Helen, I really do see a lot of similarities between my boyfriend and your husband...thanks so much for everything you have written. I guess right now I just need time to think...I guess I'm just not sure I could be happy with him...because I don't feel that happy with him now. Everything you've said hits home...So I just need to think about it some more.

He's not all bad, by the way...I don't want to make him sound like he's completely without affection. He can definitely be caring... There has always been a lot of physical chemistry between us (which seems to very hard to give up), and we definitely do cuddle quite a bit (though I find that he can be a bit focused on himself then too).

I mainly feel that our relationship is lacking in the emotional-mental area...First, I often feel lonely because I wish he would express his caring for me in little ways and he doesn't do that, so I wonder if he really does care for me. For example, I am SO tired at this point of ending our telephone conversations with "see you later." I just wish we could say something sweeter...I would like to say "love you," but I don't want to be the only one saying it.

Second, our communication is not really deep, and when I confide in him, or even just in the ordinary problems of life, I don't get a sense of his genuine understanding and support. He will make some superficial efforts sometimes, but in general it's more like what Helen said: he mostly just expects me to "pull myself together." So I feel alone in that way too...

Part of it may be cultural. He is Indian, and his parents had an arranged marriage. From what he's told me, I don't think there's ever been much love between his parents...he has described his father as a "stone". His mother is quite lonely in her marriage, and she leans on her children a lot. So I guess he didn't have much of a role model for what a loving relationship is supposed to look like.

Anyway...I guess I just need to reflect on all this. I am scared to let go of him...but if things were to stay forever the way they are right now, then I would probably be miserable...and I guess there's not much reason to think they would improve, since they are supposed to be really at this stage, and it seems like it's supposed to be mostly downhill from here.