can the feelings come back

[FeeL]

Hi, I'm new at this so please be patient with me!! My husband and I have gotten ourselves into a real mess and I need some advice from people who have had similar experiences! To be honest sex was the original problem, my husband thought I didn't want him which led to feelings of anger and resentment towards me and our marriage, eventually he decided that if I didn't want him he didn't want me and finally we split! We are now at a point where we are talking openly about these feelings and how we got into this mess in the first place and have both acknowledged where we went wrong. We both want our future to be together but the problem now is that my husband just doesn't feel physically attracted to me. He says that whilst at the start this was a conscience decision now it's just the way he feels and that whilst he wants to he can't make himself feel something he doesn't! I still have these feelings for him but don't want to be in a relationship without attraction. I really believe that the reason is because of the original resentment and a fear that by opening himself up again he may end up feeling as unhappy as he did before. He says he feels that we are more like best friends! Can anyone give me advice, should we give up trying and allow ourselves to move on or should we follow some ideas of sexual therapy and try to deal with the original issues. We've been through the wars recently (I won't bore you with the details) and have only been trying to sort out the issues for the last 5 weeks, is this long enough to give up?? My husband had hoped his feelings would be back by now but says they haven't changed and he doesn't know how much longer he can go on! Any advice would be gratefully received!!

[Murray]

Hi,

I've posted on here before and found the people very helpful so I hope you find the same kind and considerate replies too. I'm not going to be much help from a positive sense I'm afraid as I too have the same problem. My wife and I broke up becuase of a problem I caused last Sept (left her for an old girlfriend I'm afraid after many months of problems between us) but we have recently tried to repair our relationship. It was difficult at 1st but we are now getting on well again but the spark between us or at least from me to her has almost vanished.

I still find her very attractive and very sexy, but I'm afraid it just doesn't work for me now. I won't go inot the details of what happened during the breakup, all I will say is that we both went our seperate ways for about 3 months and it has put a huge blockage between us.

At the moment I just can't see anyway forward, I just don't want to have sex with her, and she is sensing it too but won't open up about it for fear of the problem forcing us apart again. I don't know if the feelings will come back, but my guess is they won't, so I think what I'm trying to say to you is be prepared for the feelings from your husband to not return. It sounds like you were not at all to 'blame' here, sadly my experience is showing that regardless of who is to blame once the feelings have gone they may not come back.

I really hope that in your case it does come back, maybe your husband just needs time to re-discover the passion he once had for you, but please be prepared for the fact that it may not come back.

I'm sorry if this is painful for you, I really do hope it works out for you both.

Very best of luck
Murray

[FeeL]

Thanks for being so honest Murray, I really appreciate it! I've been doing alot of looking into this on the internet etc and what I've found so far is that if the feelings were there originally then they definately can come back. It seems to be that what holds them back is the original problems and if you address them and work together then they can come back. Could that maybe help in your situation, it sounds like both you and your wife are still in a position where you are hiding from problems due to fear and therefore you are never going to be able to move forward as a couple?

[jools]

Hi Feel
Your post certainly rung some bells with me. Have a look at my original posting (think it was "Can You Get Back Feelings?"). LOTS of similarities. He too was convinced that I no longer loved or desired him and withdrew (more complicated than that...but read it if you're intersted). It was also complicated by the onset of depression in my H. My H and I are presently getting on better than in the past 3yrs...yes, three years...no quick fix! Sounds to me like your H put a protective force field round himself to avoid any further hurt by your rejections and that the conscious decision has now become a sub-conscious feeling that can't be shifted. The problem is, the more you poke and analyse the more closed he'll remain. Which is why I personally have dismissed the idea of counselling (tried it for myself once and realised that I knew myself better than her...sorry if that sounds conceited, but that's how I felt). Having tried various approaches i would personally recommend the following:

Stop analysing. I bet you frequently quiz him about his feelings, your level of attractiveness and end up getting upset. I know, I've done it! Relax with each other and treat him like you would your best friend. I know you think you're like friends now, but are you really? Do you laugh with him as you would with your friends? Are you as considerate and caring? Once he realises that you aren't going to constantly bang on about your "problems" and begin the whole analysis thing all over again he should relax and become more communicative and comfortable. 5 weeks is nothing when feelings have gone too deep. There's no quick fix. Re-connect as friends and have fun together. Hopefully you'll get the odd sign that things are improving until you'll start to feel more normal and natural together. I reckon that's the only way to do it. You'll need a lot of patience and it'll depend on how much you really want him (and him you).
Luv Jools.
________
BLACK TUBE (http://www.****tube.com/categories/11/black/videos/1)

[London]

I've been doing alot of looking into this on the internet etc and what I've found so far is that if the feelings were there originally then they definately can come back. It seems to be that what holds them back is the original problems and if you address them and work together then they can come back.

Feel - You may already know this, but there are NO "definites" when it comes to feelings. For every "article" you read on line, there are just as many if not more that suggest the opposit (see this board for example). You can't base your hopes on selective readings. Not only that, but each is really a "case-by-case" situation.

The problem with your last assumption, - "what holds them back is the original problems and if you address them and work together then they can come back" - is that while that sounds good in theory in practice it isn't the only issue by the time you get to addressing it. There are often more complications added to the original problem and often its too much to deal with. And even if there are no "new issues" - sometimes too much time has gone by to make a difference.

I don;t want to discourage you, but you need to see the other side of all this. Reading articles of other's successes gives you only a partial view - you might as well base your hopes on what the daily horoscope in the paper is. But one thing is clear - you should try if that is what you want. Jools was quite right - you both need to want it each other and this marriage to work. It just won;t work if either he or you aren't 200% committed or feeling it deep down.

[FeeL]

Thanks for your responses London and Jules. Don't worry, I'm being totally realistic and know that we have a mountain to climb. We have both taken time out to work out what we want and both felt that this was a future together, however neither of us is willing to be in a relationship where the feelings have gone. The thing is that I really don't want to walk away if there is a chance that his feelings will come back.

[FeeL]

Well, just got a call from my husband to say that he thinks that I am clutching at straws and need to let us go. he says after 5 weeks the old feelings haven't started to come back and he wants a clean break. Time to sell the house and move on!! I can't believe it. We have been through so much and then allowed ourselves 5 weeks to sort it all out. He is a black and white type of person and has decided that any attempt at making the feelings come back would be false and that everything should happen naturally without effort! I feel that we are making the biggest mistake of our lives and that I just have to go along with it.

[London]

Well, just got a call from my husband to say that he thinks that I am clutching at straws and need to let us go. he says after 5 weeks the old feelings haven't started to come back and he wants a clean break. Time to sell the house and move on!! I can't believe it. We have been through so much and then allowed ourselves 5 weeks to sort it all out. He is a black and white type of person and has decided that any attempt at making the feelings come back would be false and that everything should happen naturally without effort! I feel that we are making the biggest mistake of our lives and that I just have to go along with it.

Feel - I am sorry to read that this isn't what *you* want - but unfortunately your H does have a point. He doesn't want any part of the marriage and he's being honest with himself - and with you. He wants out and there's nothing anything you can do to change that if he doesn't want it. If you attempt to drag it out, he will resent you even more.

I see that you feel its a big mistake, but a marriage to work requires TWO people working at it. It just won't work if its just one of you thinking its a mistake or trying to make things work.

[FeeL]

Hi London, thanks for your message. You are totally right that it would have needed us both to work at our marriage for us to make it and I'm willing to put my hands up and walk away too as I know that's all I can do. i'm just really confused as only a couple of days ago he was talking about coming home and making a go of things and I'm worried that we are giving up through fear,hurt etc rather than because we really both want to! But you're totally right I need to accept his decision and let it go!

[London]

FeeL - good luck......

[Annie]

From me too, good luck.
Ann

[Murray]

Feel, I'm really sorry to hear that this is happening. I think you're very brave and very objective, something a lot of us would probably like to be but don't have the courage.

I trully hope that things work out for you in the future,

best wishes,
Murray

[FeeL]

Thanks guys and sorry you are experiencing the same thing Lee. It makes me mad a bit that this has all come down to Sex!! Our relationship is in place for everything else, infact we are really lucky but I suppose if the physical attraction isn't there then that's that!! I do truly believe we could work on this but he doesn't agree and has had enough so I have to give up!!