He wants to stay friends with woman he had an affair with

[gettingthere]

I found out about 9 month ago that my husband of 19 years had been having an affair for over two years. It had started at a time when I was quite ill and was not up to giving my H or even my kids much attention.

For about 8 months he stayed with his family but practically lived with her. All the time he kept insisting it was me he wanted, but when it came down to it he would not break all ties with her as he was scared of being left on his own if we could not work things out.

However after I filed for divorce, we really talked and decided to give it another go and he moved back in to the family home about a month ago.
Things have been going really well, as while she was being nasty and angry (texts) he found it easy to be angry with her too and avoided all contact.

Over the last week or so however the tone of her texts have changed and she has decided that she wants to stay 'just friends' with him, very cleverly adding 'but I don't suppose SHE will allow that'!

In this one very clever move she has shifted his anger on to me because I do not want him to have any contact with her what so ever! He thinks that is unreasonable, they have been friends for over 15 years, and he would not stop me being friends with any one.
He insists that he is home again because that is where he wants to be, that he loves me and not her.

Am I being unreasonable here? and if so, please give me a clue how I am supposed to start trusting him again knowing that he is texting, laughing and joking with or even meeting up with her again?

[shadow]

He needs to stop ALL CONTACT with her immediately. If he is really serious about you two making it work he HAS to. If for fact that he does not want her to contact him and she continues, have him write a letter saying for her not to contact him no more, in person, by phone, text whatever. Send it registered mail. cause then he will have proof. Then he needs to stick to that himself.

If he continues having contact, then he is not really wanting to make the marriage work. He is a cake eater (wanting his cake and eating it too), and he is enjoying playing both of you along. You do not deserve that. You are giving him another chance and you deserve that he is going to give his marriage his full effort. Dont let it continue and make it clear to him that you wont put up with it if he wants to make the marriage work, you did your part you are trying to make another go but now he needs to do his part.

yes some OW do not give up and terrorize the family, trying to get the man to come back to them. If that is the case and your H does not want to have contact send the letter right away and you will have the first step done, if she continues then you can get a RO, and then she will be legally in trouble.

If he does not want to do that, wants to be friends with her still, or hides the fact that he still has C with her then boot him out now, dont waste anymore time on him cause he is not worth your pain! You deserve better

[London]

To be honest, if you even have to ask him to stop all contact with him, then you'll never be able to trust him again. He should be committed enough to you, the marriage and be grown up enough to know what he needs to do (or not do). Are you going to tell him what to do in every seemingly difficult situation? Does he not know the difference between the right things to do and the wrong things to do?

[shadow]

Your right london she should not have to ask him to do that, he should realize that on his own. LOL at the "grown up enough" sounds like he might be like a kid testing to see how much he can get away with.

Having people just do something without being asked means soooooo much more. She does need to let him know that she will NOT tolerate it tho. She deserves better.

[Helen]

Gettingthere,

You should ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. That is, if you were the one who had had an affair with his best friend and it were you demanding to stay friends with that guy, having shacked up with him for 2 years? I can guarantee you, the thought would enrage your husband! So why does he think it is okay for him to stay friends with this woman?

I tend to think that when a man has had an affair with a woman, there is a bond there. Even if the affair ends, it will always be there. If there should be a problem with your relationship with your husband in future, where is he going to go running to? Got it in one. Her. He will be back confiding in her and doing whatever he did that led to the affair in the first place and before you know it, he is back shacking up with her again.

The RIGHT thing to do is abstain from this woman completely. If he is serious about recommitting to the marriage, he will do this - you should not even have to ask. If he demands to remain friends with her, you have to ask him - how serious is he about wanting to keep your marriage on track? He has to choose NOW and as far as I am concerned, there is NO choice other than you, full stop.


Helen

[matthew]

Either he gets rid or you get rid - simple

[gettingthere]

Thanks for your replies, they only confirmed what I already knew really.

My complication is that he knows this woman through her parents and her Dad is terminally ill.
He also owes this woman money which he borrowed to help his mother out.

When I said that we need to pay her off - even though we are really struggling financially - he got angry saying that she is well enough off and doesn't really need it yet and is just being awkward asking for it back (about twice a week).

He also wants to keep in touch to see how her Dad is.....

[shadow]

There is other ways of keeping track of the father then thru her