Just want a divorce!

[Canadagirl]

I have been seperated for 6months now, and have moved on with my life. My husband was involved in drugs our whole marriage, was never interested in anything but this, and manipulative and controlling. I am proud and have never felt so liberated since taking that step to leave him. I am happy and have begun to build my own life.
Unfortunatly, my ex-husband won´t let go. He is refusing to sign any papers, constantly sends me emails (which I feel is manipulative) and letters in the post (as we are in different countries). Any time i receive them, I feel this incredible sense of depression. I can NOT imagine ever going back and have tried to make this clear but he does not acknowledge or accept this! So i have tried ignoring his emails and just reply with one saying ¨not interested¨, but still no success.
How do I just move on or any advice on how to get a divorce when in different countries and he won´t sign???? Everything else in my life is starting to feel like I´m living once again, and desperatly wish I could forget this part of my life, but it´s still there and I have a hard time dealing with this....pls any advice????

[jeannie]

Canada Girl, though not quite the same I know how you feel. My H left last August following a MLC and moved in with a young tart from work. To start with he textd me and asked colleagues how I was doing. As I still love him I liked it to start with as I felt there was a chance he would come back, but he has consistently refused to sign any papers on the house or maintenance., SO at xmas I instructed the solicitors to go ahead with a divorce and maintenance settlement. He had up until then every month either sent post datd cheques or they arrived late or whatever. And he refused to answer any letters or e mails.
Now he has had the papers and I know he has seen a solicitor he is not replying to my solicitor or signing the papers and maintenance has stopped.
He has started texting me weekly asking for a meet and I have received a letter ( no money) asking the same.
I have replied telling him unemotionally what I want and I have changed my mobile number and told him I am thinking of doing the same with the land line.
Could you not change your e mail adress, send back any letters unopened with 'Gone away adress unknown' on them and leave it all to solicitors.
I find if I do not have to think about him or deal with anything and no-one tells me what he is up to I am OK and can move on, if not I fall apart.

[Canadagirl]

Thanks Jeannie! Fortunatly, we didn't have a house yet, nor kids, so assets we are fine, we can just part our seperate ways and be one, except he won't accept and tells me that he knows I love him and to stop fighting the feeling and all this crap that is complete oppisite to how i feel!

I would leave it all to solitier's except there is nothing i can do. He is in a different country and so am i from what we got married in, so unless we were living in the same country it's pointless. My lawyer suggested to do it in a 'illegal' way in that we say he is living in the same country and by him not turning up at the court case, the judge will be in my favour and thus grant me the divorce. Iam really tempted to do this but it's risky, and my ex is known for a temper...

I am also seeing someone (not during our marriage as didn't even know him then) but I feel so guilty as what can i offer anyone when I am still legally tied to somone, though it may take 5years before anything happens by the looks of it. I am still very young and want to start the life i've always wanted.

I have just started to not accept his letters and send them back as of last week, i was thinking of sending his email, but my friends recommend for me to at least know where he is as he may show up where i am, as he's a very extreme guy!

[Helen]

CG,

Do you really have to wait 5 years to divorce him? I thought you could divorce someone after 2 years of separation or is that just here in the UK? Are you divorcing him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour? You could. If he is taking or dealing in drugs, that is definitely unreasonable, especially if you are very anti-drugs (if you are not, say you are in the divorce petition).

As to him telling you that you *know* you love him, tell him you KNOW you do not and nothing he says will dissuade you from this action. He is involved in drugs (and quite aside from that you do not like the way he behaves towards you in any event) and you do not want any more to do with him. Then ask the solicitor to sort out a restraining order that will keep him away from your home and your place of work and from contacting you in any way about anything but the divorce. Change your phone number to ex-directory and withheld (so that when/if you call him, he cannot obtain your number) and move if necessary. Then email him to tell him that you have taken these steps and you intend to press on with the divorce. Then tell him that you are emailing him to let him know as a curtesy and after that communication, you intend to close down that email address. Then do it.

If he wants to kid himself that you are still in love with him, let him. If he wants to contest the divorce, that is up to him. But if he is on drugs or dealing in them, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. You cannot tell him more baldly than you have that you are not in love with him nor are you interested in being his wife any more. As far as you are concerned, you are now separated, you are living as a single woman, you are pushing ahead with the divorce action and that is that.


Helen

[London]

CanadaGirl - where are you living? Where is he? Where did you get married? These are relevant just to determine the best course of action. The divorce laws do vary from country-to-country and often state-to-state (US) and province-to-province (Canada)....

[Canadagirl]

Good! i just sent an email telling him 100% i do not love him nor want to return and have moved on in every possible way, and whether he will sign the papers or not will only determine how long and how much as opposed to if it will happen.

I dont' know if he is still doing drugs, i think he quit after we split, but there's still so much more, all the verbal abuse, etc. Either way, this is all the reasons for divorce so i think it's valid?

If ANYONE can help and provide advice on how to get a divorce i woudl appreciate it....We are Canadian born, and married in Canada. I now live in SPAIN, and he moved to El Salvador where his dad lives. ( i promise you no lawyer has ever had this case before) Maybe my current lawyer is lazy but he said there is no point to send the paper work to el salvador as we will never get it back or something.......does anyone know what's possible or how to pursue this???? I don't think i have to wait for 1 year to be seperated as i do have 'reasons' for divorce....

[London]

CanadaGirl:

From: Spain approves fast-track divorce
By Anthony Ham
Age Correspondent Madrid
July 2, 2005


LINK (http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/spain-approves-fasttrack-divorce/2005/07/01/1119724808996.html)

Spain's social revolution has continued with the Spanish Parliament granting couples the right to no-fault, fast-track divorces.
In contrast to the fierce reaction that greeted legislation allowing gay marriage, and despite muted opposition from the Catholic church, the changes to Spain's divorce laws have caused barely a ripple.

The new law - which the Government says is needed to bring Spanish laws "up to date with modern society" - removes the requirement that couples be separated for a year before a divorce can be granted. When the law comes into effect, only three months of separation will be required.

and



Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Divorce in Spain

LINK (http://www.euroresidentes.com/Blogs/2004/09/divorce-in-spain.htm)

The Spanish government is going ahead with its pledge to reform divorce legislation in Spain. Although originally last week government spokesmen said that divorce would be granted in just 10 days, the Spanish Justice Minister intervened towards the end of last week and said that only a minority of cases would be granted divorce in 10 days, and that the government expected the average waiting period to be two months.

This is a vast improvement on the current system, and although the Catholic Church in Spain has heavily criticised this latest move, the majority of the electorate support it. Divorce was legalised in 1981 when a very timid law was passed by Spain's new democratic government in the face of heavy criticism again from the Church and the Military. It has not been reformed since, and many believe that if it was already outdated when it was created, it is certainly unsuitable for modern Spain and for changed social values.
The changes to be introduced by the Socialist government are aimed at
clearing a backlog of cases - cases can take up to 2 years to settle here, but under the new law will take a maximum of 6 months and a minimum of 10 days -
and also at encouraging shared custody of children - something which has become an issue here very recently, as the old law almost always gave custody of the children automatically to the mother.

The notion of a "guilty party" in divorce, due to infidelity or abuse, will also disappear and couples will no longer have to prove responsibility for the marital breakdown. Nor will they have to prove they have been separated for a year before applying for divorce.

I see why your current lawyer may not want to send the paper-work, but in some countries, failure to respond is enough for the judge to grant the petition - which would be good news for you. Either way, I suggest you contact the Canadian High Commission for some advice and/or another lawyer.

[London]

here's a better site: Int'l Family Law (http://www.international-divorce.com/d-spain.htm)


There is a lot of info here, but this is interesting regarding granting of divorce:

(5) The effective cessation of marital life in common for a period of six months by free consent. Such consent shall be understood to be freely given where a spouse requests it from the other spouse in authentic form, giving him or her express notice of the consequences of doing so, and the other spouse fails to manifest his or her will against it by any legally permissible means, or petitions a separation or the provisional measures to which Article 103 refers, within six months of the required summons.



(a word of advice CanadaGirl - If you are looking for "fact-based information, then you may want to undertake simple research next time. While we're all happy to "help" you, all it took was 2 minutes of research and I uncovered a plethora of information - you could have easily done this yourself).

[Canadagirl]

Thanks for the info 'London'. I have been looking for sites on the internet but never came across that. I also listened to my lawyer who never provided any of this info. So i have spoken to another one and will print this info and give to lawyer.

I had an email from my ex with regards to my last email to him advisng him i'm getting a divorce no matter if 'he signs' but just may take more time and money and would appreciate it if he can make things easier for me.

He replied saying he will if i answer his questions which were, why did you then promise me til' death to us apart? How can you say you forgive me but say you don't love me and come back to me? Who did you get married for: you, God, me or us? with a bunch of quotes in btwn (i.e. bible quotes)

is this manipulative to my mind or just me?

Either way i'm not replying until i speak to a lawyer again!



here's a better site: Int'l Family Law (http://www.international-divorce.com/d-spain.htm)


There is a lot of info here, but this is interesting regarding granting of divorce:




(a word of advice CanadaGirl - If you are looking for "fact-based information, then you may want to undertake simple research next time. While we're all happy to "help" you, all it took was 2 minutes of research and I uncovered a plethora of information - you could have easily done this yourself).

[Helen]

CG,

Till death do us part does not include drug use, abusive behaviour nor any of the other shennanegans your husband got up to. You endured as much as you could take but eventually realised that he was not going to change. Even if he is not taking drugs, he does not sound like a reasonable person to be with and that is what divorce is for. The two of you are incompatible. He needs to find himself a woman who will not mind being abused and manipulated. At the end of the day, his behaviour was unreasonable throughout your marriage and that is why you want out. Full stop. No more chances. You gave him chance after chance and he blew them all.

Asking you who you married is ridiculous! You married him in the eyes of God. And when you married him, you had every intention of remaining married to him forever. He blew it. That is all he needs to know.


Helen

[London]

Canadagirl - you are very welcome :-) . Wasn't sure if you managed to do research or were just being flaky (like some silly apes on this board).

re: the passages and manipulative question ==> YES, he is being manipulative. Helen said it well above. He blew it over and over and over. End of story. End of marriage.

[Canadagirl]

I spoke to my lawyer and he got very blunt with me telling me to stop trying to find an easier way out and no other lawyer can do any different. He told me these are my choices:
1) Get him back to Spain so he can be ' served'
2) convince him to agree for this lawyer to be the power of attorney, thus convincing my ex to get a divorce
3) trick him by getting a divorce behind his back
I can't do #3 and dont' want him where i am, so the only way is to convince him as the lawyer said if he is unwilling to sign there is no point sending paperwork as it won't get there, etc, and an endless process.
So i dont' want to continue relations wiht him so my friend in canada is to write him to see if he will agree........i am also thinking of writing his dad who is with him in el salvador, and copy him on these emails i get from him and perhaps talk some reason in him...

Any Advice?

[London]

Try calling another lawyer for advice and also try seeking help from women's associations. Perhaps even contact the Canadian HIgh Commission in Spain for help.

[Helen]

I spoke to my lawyer and he got very blunt with me telling me to stop trying to find an easier way out and no other lawyer can do any different. Of course, he would say that. He doesn't want you to go anywhere else! Maybe there is no easier way out - who knows? I would contact the commission, as suggested by London and find out what might be possible.

Either way, if you are looking to form new relationships, do not let your current circumstances stop you as it sounds as though things are well and truly over.


Helen