What would you do?

[tan]

I'm in my second marriage. We've been married for 1 year been together for 3 years. My husband has always been loving. He has had bad past relationships and the other day he said that he felt that his life was going around in a vicious circle. I knew that something had been bothering him but wasn't able to put my finger on it. I asked him if there was someone else and he said not really. There is someone interested in him, a girl from work (who had just found her husband in bed with another woman), but he wasn't interested. Her words were "If you weren't married....", may be nothing but then again, Anyway, he spent four days away from home unable to tell me why but all he could say was he felt that the world was crashing down on him. He also said that he loved me and our marriage was important to him. He feels empty but knows that he loves me. The only contact I had with him over this time was when he contacted me, I tried to give him space. He has now come home and hasn't really been able to answer my questions because he didn't know what was wrong other than he felt trapped. After 5 days back home I asked him to make love to me and he said "WHY", he said he wasn't in an affectionate mood, and said that he still felt empty. I have asked him if he has been with anyone else and he says no. I've got him vitamins hoping that this would help him. I'm sick to my stomach not knowing what to do and hope someone may have some suggestions.

[Kimberley]

Hi there


Sounds to me like he had something to go away and think about and isnt been particularly honest about it - why cant work just mean that? Think about how much you need to know about the whole situation and if there was more to it could you forgive and forget and still love your husband.

I have had a similar problem myself but he did eventually admit it - the tell tale signs were the texts, keeping the mobile in his pocket night and day on silent, I could never do anything right or good enough, not interested in sex (getting it some where else), late home every night because he was busy at work (yeah right) and going out without me whereas before we did every thing together.

If any of these match up then it may be well to start watching closer - I to have only been married a year and together almost 2. You have my sympathy take care and time to think about things before making any hasty decisions.

Kimberley

[shadow]

I have been debating for couple of days about saying anything on this post, cause I dont want to give you wrong advice. But this one has struck a cord in me :-(

But from what you have posted, it does sound like he is being torn, and I think the co-worker at work might be what is doing it. If he hasnt yet, he sure sounds like he thinking and debating about it. What the co-worker said to him, is wrong, even something so innocient like that. She is a betrayed women that is looking for revenge, and it is wrong to involove your H into it, because she knows the pain and shouldnt even think of bring that pain onto you. (besides two wrongs dont make a right but the feeling can be normal in the process of shock, but the important thing is controlling the grief process)

I would say go with your gut feeling, and try to get things out in open now and get the lines of commmunciation open. Working on a marriage is teamwork and H needs to willing to work just as hard on the marriage.

He might need to seek some help cause he might be suffering from depression, and with meds he will be thinking more clearly.

Let him know that are willing to do whatever to find out what is wrong with him, and that you are there to listen to him and help him sort things out, cause isnt that what marriage is besides being lovers, being their best friend? Try approaching it and letting him know you love him, that you are hurting, and that you guys need to get to bottom of this so you can have a happy marriage (plus you wont be wondering years down the road... did he?)

Your red flags have gone up so I would watch things more closely. If it does turn out that there is another OW, then he needs to figure out right away what he wants to do and not drag you along, he needs to stop the A right away and have NC with her at all. And he needs to be ready to do whatever to get the marriage back on track. And you then will need to decide if the marriage will be worth all the pain and emotions you will be going thru.

I hope for you the best and wont take so long to answer just didnt know what to say, have the same feelings as you, but didnt want you to start blaming without knowing for sure.

Hugs

[tan]

Kimberley & Shadow


Thank you for your replies. I have calmed myself down and am trying to get a grip on everything. I have asked him several times now if he has been unfaithful and the response is no. I know that he has hidden things from me in the past, nothing this serious, and am wondering if he's guilt is the cause of his problems. I feel terrible within myself because I can't believe his answer. I think that's what's making me sick to my stomach, is that I don't trust him now! I don't want to live like that. I now find myself always thinking the worst! Keep telling myself that I'm better off being prepared for the worst but what a horrible way to be. It's been just over a week now since all of this came to head and I guess that I'm expecting him to just walk through the door and be he's same old self. He has improved but even he says he's not 100%. Trouble is I'm not 100%, I don't like the person I'm becoming, doubtful of everything anyone says to me. Guess I just want to know the truth but am I going to believe it when I hear it and am I hearing the truth now and not accepting it.

[tan]

Hi Morty

I can honestly say I know exactly what your going through. All I can recommend is if you have questions that need to be answered ask them. If you not happy within yourself with the answer, rethink the question and ask again. Until you are satisfied within yourself with the answers you will be doubtful and suspicious of her. When you look into things try not be to trivial, you'll make yourself sick. She has no right to be pissed at you for being jealous or suspicious. If my H was suspicious of me, I would like to think that I am big enough to look into myself to see what has caused the suspicion, and put others at ease. Why is she giving you a deadline? Does she have plans at this time? How does she feel your realtionship is?

I have asked my H questions and things are on the up and up. I explained to him that I'm I don't want to keep things bottled up, not that I'm able of that, but at the same time I didn't want to all of a sudden explode.

Most people who post here are on the receiving end and alot of their postings have helped me to know what to questions to ask and how to approach things. You must remember that as the world is turning, other are people out there with greater problems than yourself/myself.

Remember that "You are You" No-one can ever take that away, that is for certain!

[hoxton]

Hi guys
I too know how you feel my H kept his phone on him constantly even when he was in the bath (said he was playing games) but over the past year I found the odd text that made me know something was not right.
He told me also it was in my head that I look for things that are not there and I found myself appoligizing for being so untrustworthy.
But I am afraid to say that if your H or W is keeping there phone on them 24/7 and they never used to then the chances are they are up to no good.
And the best form of defence is attack that is why your wife is telling you that she has had enough of your jelousy. Dont blame yourself she is giving you reason to doubt her,
I hope things work out for you,

Tan I identify with all of your trust issues and with the fact that you just want him to be the way he was, I hope that it happens for you,
Be strong guys.
Amanda x

[tan]

Lee

Glad to hear that you are getting help and that you have turned down the anti-depressants.

Your anxiousness will ease when you start sleeping. It's hard to have trust when you are anxious. You sound like me, as soon as your head hits the pillow you start thinking and the heart starts pumping/pounding. I found that having a notebook next to the bed helped me. If something was in my head and I couldn't shake it, I'd write about it and that helped me deal with it, or at least get it out of my head for the night.

We are getting on better but I still have a niggling doubt although the obvious signs of something going on have disappeared..I may have just driven them underground tho' ?

Horrible feeling isn't it! It's like your waiting for something else to pop up. I felt like I was looking for something to make in happen. It passes. Trick is, keep yourself busy but don't shut off to the world around you. Do something for yourself. Do something that makes YOU feel good, spoil yourself. If you are like me, you've been concentrating on what makes everyone else happy!!!

I wish you luck with everything Lee and just keep smiling!

Tan

[tan]

Lee,

I just received this in an email, have a read

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, some one may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself,probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Take the time . to live and love.

Wow!

Tan