Why am I doing this to myself? - HELP!!

[Micou]

Dear All

I have been unhappily married to my husband for the past 10 years. We have three lovely children together. Basically, I spent my marriage being emotionally neglected by my husband - constant rejection, name calling, put downs, him preferring to be with other people rather than spend time with me, being angry with me when I got pregnant the third time(!!) etc etc etc - the list is long!

Anyway, after many years of hurt and rejection, I made the conscious choice to stop fighting for something that quite clearly did not want to exist - or so I thought! When the opportunity came for us to separate (he was offered a job overseas and I was still studying) I jumped at it as I knew that this was the perfect opportunity for me to start my life over.

A few months ago I met a wonderful man. We started out as good friends and gradually our feelings for each other grew. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and I loved how special he made me feel. The communication between us was fantastic and I loved how we were able to talk and discuss difficult and painful issues easily.

I told my husband that I had met someone else - I got no reaction from my husband. I therefore took that as a sign (again) that I should move on and make my own life with this new man.

My husband came to visit the kids shortly before Christmas. While he was here my new man took me away for a weekend. When my husband found out about this he went beserk! He accused me of being a lying cheating wife and that he loved me and I was a liar and all hell broke loose. I was dumbstruck as all these accusations came out. Despite the fact that I had told him that I had met someone else he accused me of lying.

Shocked and struck dumb by my husband's sudden and unexpected about turn I found myself giving in to his anger, hurt and pain at the realisation that I had met someone and was looking to end our marriage. He denied that I had ever told him anything about this new man and claimed that he only found out the real truth when he went through my mobile!!! At that point he changed from being cold, evasive and hurtful to this warm, loving, caring husband who would do anything for me, including running my bath for me! I felt confused and lost. Why was he behaving like this? If he had never noticed me before why now? Why treat me like a piece of furniture all those years and now decide that I was worth my weight in gold? I found myself growing ever confused and ever lost with his contant need for my attention and love. He event sent insulting texts to my new partner accusing him of being a homewrecker . . . He told my children lies about me, saying that I had hurt him and lied to him and was having an affair with another man. I could have died at that point. He involved my parents and even got my mother to take his side (this is despite her knowing all the pain he had caused me).

Finally, unable to cope with all the pressure, I broke off my relationship with my new partner (devastating both him and me) and gave in to my husband's requests for forgiveness of how he had treated me in the past and asking for a new chance to save our marriage. I agreed.

However, my husband has now gone back overseas for the final year of his work contract. He texts me every day with words of love and sends emails of love. What is upsetting is that as soon as he reels me in with words of love and caring, he then starts blasting me with how I could have hurt him and gone off with another man - basically throwing all the problems in our marriage at me! I have tried to explain that I had given up on our marriage after many years of hurt and rejection, but he instead attacks my now ex-partner and me. I have reached a point where I have stopped responding to his emails and texts as I find myself getting increasingly upset by them. One moment he will say he loves me so much, I am the only woman on earth for him, he can't live without me and the next he attacks me about how I could go off with someone else when he had flown 6k miles to be with me and the kids for Christmas!

Has anyone ever had this experience please? I am so hurt, lost and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep asking myself if I made the right decision in going back to my husband.

Help me please!

[jools]

Hi Micou
I haven't experienced what you are going through, but your H sounds horribly manipulative. He probably didn't believe you when you said you'd met someone else until he had the proof. It's a shame he's so far away as it's just prolonging things. It's easy to proclaim your love for someone from a distance...although he still manages to get in his "digs". If he was living at home he'd soon start showing his true colours again. I really don't understand how he's got your mum on his side. Hasn't she been aware of his neglect and abuse over the years? And even if you've kept it from her, surely she'd believe your side of things if you told her? If not then I'm assuming that you're not particularly close to your mum.

If you've had the children since you've been married then I'm assuming that they're all under 10yrs old. And yet he sunk low enough to upset them with tales of their mother's affair!!! He must be VERY selfish (and nasty) not to consider the feelings of his children. I reckon it's a case of "I may not want her but I don't want anyone elso to have her either". Doesn't sound like you have any love left in you for this person (can't blame you). If you did decide to finish things with him, would your ex partner still be around?
Jools.
________
Brunette Pigtails (http://www.****tube.com/categories/435/pigtails/videos/1)

[Helen]

Micou,

I know it won't be easy and there are 3 kids to consider but if I were you I would finish things 'properly' (i.e. via the Courts) and move on. Your husband used emotional blackmail, threats, you name it he used it, to get you to give up this man and return to the fold. But I agree with Jools - when he comes home he will probably pick up where he left off with the abuse and neglect. The fact is, you didn't lie and you most defintely didn't cheat. You told your husband you had met this man and he chose to ignore it - until he was at home and in a position to create a scene about it. This is not your problem. The fact that he switches from being aggressive to being as nice as pie is very telling. He is trying to manipulate you so that you call off all your plans to divorce him and move on. Once he has you where he wants you, he will revert to his usual nasty self - and he will have the 'affair' to chuck in your face too.

Your husband has had 10 years to sort himself out. It is only now that he faces the very real prospect of losing you to someone else that he is showing an interest. It is very much a 'I don't want you but no one else can have you either' situation. He wants someone at home to be his whipping post and that someone is you. Tell him to forget it. He has been a horrible husband for a long time and you do not believe for one minute that he has changed. Move out properly and finish it. If your former partner is still waiting for you, I would get together with him properly and start divorce proceedings. You have a real chance at happiness with a partner who you KNOW will truly cherish you. I would grab it with both hands because that kind of happiness rarely comes along.


H

[Micou]

Thank you so much for your kind and prompt replies. I have been ripping myself up emotionally over this. It's driving me crazy!

I think that I already knew what the right thing to do was, but I had got so overwhelmed with things and especially as my husband had been constantly sending texts and emails, that I just couldn't think straight.

I am really grateful for your response as it confirms what I had already been thinking; he had 10 years to be a husband to me and he never made the effort. I won't lose out on my chance of happiness. I WILL grab it with both hands.

My three children are 3, 6 and 8. The hardest part lately has been trying to remove the bad impression of me that their father had created within them. I will move mountains for these kids. They're my life!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Helen]

Micou,

Whatever you decide to do (and it sounds as though you have decided to move on - good for you!), you should see if you can make it a condition of the divorce that your husband leaves you and your new partner alone - that is, no contact beyond discussing the children's needs and welfare via letter, email or text and no visitation in your home. Also, you should ask the Judge to tell your husband not to talk to the kids about things they are too young to understand (i.e. you leaving and your new relationship). You too have a side to give and are only holding your tongue because your kids are too young to have their father tarnished in their eyes. Your husband running you down to them is defamation of character and in doing so, he is attempting to destroy your relationship with your kids. He cannot do that.

Take care and have a good life. Let us know how you get on, won't you?


Helen

[helenrw200]

Micou

I basically went through a similar thing when my ex and I split up. We'd been together 18 years and married for almost 16, the last 4 of which were unhappy for both of us. I felt neglected and ignored and very unappreciated, with him work ALWAYS came before family and as my son has a mental disability there were times when my ex's support was important for both me and my son. For 4 years we had little emotional contact other than rows and barely saw each other. After a final row resulting in him disappearing for a couple of days and switching off his mobile I decided enough was enough and ended the marriage, however we had no choice but to share a house for a few months ( mainly financial reasons ) and this made things doubly difficult. Eventually I met someone else and was upfront with my then husband about it ( we were going through divorce proceedings ) he went absolutely mad , accused me of cheating etc , and was a sod until finally I had no choice but to take my 2 sons and leave the house, renting a grotty house whilst he stayed in the mariatl home. He then changed his tune completely and began being really nice, wanting to try again, saying he missed the kids ( who he rarely saw when we lived together , work and his social life took presedence ).

I could have caved in , but I didn't. 6 months after our decree absolute he moved in with a new g/f and her family and virtually cut off contact with both me and the kids. It just proved to me I'd made the right decision !

Straight after I left he couldn't do enough for us, phoned several times a day and offered lifts etc. Now the kids are lucky if he spares them half an hour on xmas day !

In my experience, I'd say you gave your marriage a good shot, now it's time for you !

Go out there and be happy, everybody deserves that.

Take care.

Helen ( rw )

[Micou]

Helenrw, thank you so much for your input. Your ex sounds so much like mine. He has been begging for me to take him back and to believe he will be better to me this time, but the way I see it is if he treated me like a boil on his butt for 10 years and never even tried to make things work (I left him once before when he had an affair with a woman where he works while I was pregnant!!) then why should he want things to work out now.

My youngest child will be starting school soon and I am very excited about that as it will make life much easier for me.

Thank you so much for your input and words of wisdom, ladies. I am truly grateful.

(((HUGS)))

[jools]

Hi Micou!
Grab your happiness with both hands. Please let us know if you manage to get back with the man who was making you so happy... before your mean H persuaded you otherwise. I hope it's not too late with him. Good luck.
Jools. XX
________
Nexium Problems (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/nexium/)

[helenrw200]

Micou

You are more than welcome and I hope everything works out for you !

Helen ( rw )

[matthew]

wether or not your husband was horrible to you he is certainly going through the symptoms of you having some one else.

He will text you when he is up and also when he is down.

Did your husband have to work abroad or was he escaping?

I hope you find happiness in whatever choice you make,this will be the kick up the xxxx if thats what you both want, otherwise move on and find happiness dont be emotionaly neglected.