has your man got a low sex drive?

[jaq1729]

hi I posted last week about my worries about my husband. He has informed me that he has a low sex drive and he isnt touchy feely. I was saying in my other post that sex may happen once a week but it is over in 5 including forplay. I have tried to spice things up but I think he feels embarressed to try anything new or is it just me? Am I expecting too much for a marriage of a year and a bit. I love my husband too bits and I try to convince myself at times he love me, anyway have you been in the same situation with your partner and what did you do to get him to buck up in the bedroom. How can anyone have a close loving marriage when one side isnt showing you attention. jaq

[Helen]

Hi Jaq,

I take it that he wasn't always this way, otherwise I assume you wouldn't have married him. Sounds to me like there is something wrong. Have there been any other signs of disinterest outside the bedroom or behavioural changes?


Helen

[jaq1729]

Hi He has never really had any confidence in the bedroom but has surprised me on occasion. He lost his dad last year but he was like this before that. He has been working a lot lately to try and pay off his bills, so he has been in bed by 9pm and out at 5.40 in the mornings. I know he is tired but he took a year off work in 2004 to relocate here and find a job he liked but he has ended up doing the same job which he hates. I have been suffering with depression for a year and I suppose before I got help I was erratic so he may have gone off me at times. I am fine now but still have my days now and again, he has been a bit low lately but he wont talk to me anyway, he prefers to chill out at the tv. When we do make love at times there is passion but not enough times. I started to think it was me and that I wasntpretty enough etc... rubbish but I ended up feeling rejected. He comes to me for sex but if I try it on with him he rarely takes the bait. I give him lots of cuddles but he raraely gives me any, I have to give him a kiss everyday orId never get one yet he tells me he loves me but never shows me. j

[Helen]

Jaq,

I read your previous posts. The subtext I picked up from them was that your husband has always been like this. He was like it with his previous partner, who (I gather) was a fair bit younger than him. She preferred to go clubbing while he preferred to sit at home in front of the TV, like an old man. Eventually she left him. You met him, I am assuming he was the same - undemonstrative (not touchy-feely), an erratic lover and more interested in staying at home, vegging in front of the TV.

If he was like this when you met him, why did you marry him? And now you are married to him, why are you trying to change him? He is not going to go from being this passive, insular person to a confident, outgoing one. He is not suddenly going to become a stud in bed either. He has had years to become that person and he hasn't.

I do find myself wondering if you really knew what you were taking on when you married him? He doesn't seem to have changed through either relationship but I suspect you have. You now want more. But my gut tells me you will not get it from him and is it even fair to ask for something radically different so soon after you married him? I wonder how he feels, knowing his bride of just over a year is unhappy with him. It does seem like disillusionment has set in very quickly.

A man who thinks sitting in the same room as you in silence is the same as being with you is clearlya bit of a loner and an introverted person. Yes, doing this periodically is being with you - so long as you are both happy to sit in silence and do your own thing. Doing it all the time brings up the 'what on earth do the two of you have in common?' question.

Was your sex life/ability to relate to each other always like this or has he changed? It wasn't really clear from your reply.


Helen

[jaq1729]

hi helen, no he wasnt always like this, we have been together 4 years and we used to see each other at the weekends and have a sex life and we talked for hours everyday on the phone before we lived together. I have never tried to change him, I feel he is the one that has changed since we have lived together. I just want a bit of his time and affection, I dont feel that is much to ask of my husband.

[Helen]

Jaq,

It is a curious situation. I am not sure he has changed so much as reverted to type. He was like this with his previous partner too. He may have put up a front with you - although 4 years is a long time to keep it up. It sounds to me as though he might be suffering from depression himself. Low self-esteem can do that to a man and he has been through several traumas.

When he had his breakdown (you referred to this in a previous post) did he have any counseling? Would he be open to counseling again? It sounds like he has a fair number of unresolved issues in addition to the financial ones and I suspect his problems are too big for you to deal with on your own.


Helen

[Kath]

Hi ,your situation seems a lot like my own my husband is also working a lot and tired so there is not a lot of chance 4 sex.Which is hard on me when he s in bed early and I am just siting around ,I think I can guess what u r going trough:)

[Mandymay]

It sounds to me like the honeymoon is over and he has settled into the everyday routine of work til your buggered and sleep is more valuable than sex.
Maybe suggest to him to reduce his hours or try pampering him with a warm bath and massage after work to help him wind down, then pounce on him lol
Mandymay