13year old stepson and drugs.

[Springheeled Jack]

Hiya,
about two weeks ago, on a Friday, after I go home frm work, I heard my wife rummage around in my son's room. She called me in asking me to bring a touch, this I did and she asked me to shine in uniter neath the wardrobe, this I did. Then she asked me to shine it under the drawers, and I found a cigarrette packet. I thought the kid had been smoking. Nah the next thing she said was a bombshell.

7 days before, she caught him smoking cannabis. She told me she called the police. Well, they have always known my ZERO TOLERANCE to drugs. I exploded didnt I. The kids biofather is a drug dealer. Of course I couldnt help the "Like Father Like Son" comment.:mad:

I threatened to string the little B**** up (just words meant to scare him aware from drugs), of course I was the villain in all of this. My wife said that he's got issues with me...er he disrespects me, he talks to me like dirt, HE brings drugs into the house and Im to blame...I think not. He got caught..simple as.

I went down stairs and spoke to him. I told him that I wanted to call the police, but his mother stopped me. I wanted to string him up, but his mother stopped me. I dont know where I was going with that but I said it anyway. I was so mad that after all Id said about drugs, he opened disobeyed and bring that filth into the house.

Of course his sister stepped in and "defended him". We had a stand up row Sunday and the way she spoke to me was disgusting, even more so as her mother my wife just sat there and said nothing.

She doesnt want me to address her as my daughter (well she stopped being that when after 3 years she called me Jack after an argument). Im the unfair one yada yada yada..

It has put a strain on our marriage. I told me wife that my stepdaughter wont be happy unless she splits us up. If she cant stand up for me and support me, then it is pushing us further and firther apart. I said that my Stepdaughter is making things uncomfortable for me. I love my wife dont get me wrong but she is making it so difficult.

We did split for a month because I had enough of how my wife was acting, not supporting me, not standing up for me etc etc. When she came back she promised that we would have a new start. Some new start.:(

Ive had enough, I told me wife Ive had enough. I was open and honest with her, I said that sometimes I dont look forward in coming home bacause of the atmosphere.

I can see us splitting again:confused: How can I prevent that and get my wife to see that her step daughter who is 21 is trying to split us up.:(

[Helen]

Hi SHJ,

I can understand why you are upset. I know I would be if my son were ever to take drugs but he has reached the age of 19 without trying so much as a spliff. He has seen too many people around us come a cropper as a result of something as 'innocent' as cannabis. As for harder drugs - forget it.

But there is also a part of me that asks if you should be surprised that you have such a tense relationship with your stepchildren. The minute your stepson did something wrong, you came out with a comment about him being, in effect, feckless, like his 'real' father. In other words, you reinforced any thoughts he might have had about you not being his father. I suspect you have said similar things to both kids and to their mother over the years. I am not saying (if you say these things) you say them to be mean. But kids tend to interpret things in a very literal way and your wife, while being married to you, will understand exactly how that makes the children feel. Which is why she tends to side with them. If you keep telling them they are ('worthless') like their father, you are telling them (and her) that while you live with their mum, you do not view them as good enough to be your kids. Hence they speak to you without respect.

If you want your kids to speak to you with respect and treat you like their father, then you need to take on the mantle of 'dad' and treat them accordingly. And that means treating and speaking to those kids like they are your biological children. In that circumstance, threatening to 'string [them] up' is a bit strong. I realise you were angry when you said this but that would have cut your stepson like a knife. You would probably have got further with him if you had had a conversation, fairly casually, about how long he has been smoking dope, the perils of dope (mental illness and physical side effects) and the fact that it is illegal. The minute you started threatening him, he just closed down on you - again. I am willing to bet he is still smoking it.

You may not want to do it but if it were me, I would apologise to your stepson for threatening him and explain that you were afraid for him and angry when you saw evidence of his drug taking. Then take it from there. The thing that kept my son away from dope was explaining to him the physical and psychological impacts of dope on the young mind. Cannabis can trigger schizophrenia in susceptible people and for some reason, if smoking starts at a young age, you can almost guarantee psychological problems. This is why your stepson needs to stop smoking the dope. But more important than this, is the need to understand why he turned to dope in the first place. Zero tolerance does not mean much to a teen who is struggling with all sorts of issues. Be prepared to hear some unpleasant things, perhaps about you and family life.


Helen

[Springheeled Jack]

The one thing I did do especially when me and my Step Daughter who incidentally doesnt want me to refer to her as my daughter, which is fine as she ceased being that when she called me Jack.

I did apologies to my Stepson, infront of his mother too. I said to him what kind of father would it make me if I wasnt interested and left it to his mother and told her I didint want to know?

"Not a very good one!", his words not mine. His sister is doing her utmost to split me and my wife up. I told my wife this and of course she doesnt believe me. This is when "my wifes daughter" asked me if her boyfriend could stay for two nights.

I said two conditions 1. She understands me better and 2. That Im not the thug she thinks I am.

If I scared my stepson enough to stay away from drugs, then its worked. Okay not the right way to go about it but the end result remains the same.

I said to my wife that Ive had enough, her daughter is doing her utmost to split us up. what hurt me was that my wife sat inbetween us and just let her daughter badmouth me without saying a word to her.

I told her that her daughter is making me feel uncomfortable and that sometimesI dont look forward into coming home. She is pushing me further and further away from her by not supporting me or standing up for me. thats how it is making me feel...

If anything I was open and honest to her.

What more can I do?

[London]

You're back.

Before I comment on this, didn't you post on Nov 21st that your wife left you "on the spot" sometime in November?

[helenrw200]

Jack

Handling step children( and step parents !) is a difficult job , I have 2 sons and they don't always see eye to eye with my partner, also he moved into our family when my eldest was already an adult and my youngest in the middle of adolecence , so things were never going to be straightforward ! My partner doesn't have kids so he was thrown in at the deep end somewhat. My partner and I don't always share the same views on how kids should be bought up, we had very different upbringings ourselves and consequently have - especially in the early days - clashed on matters of disciplin, punishment etc.

Of course you don't want your stepson to take drugs, but it's a sad fact that many young people do experiment at his age and playing the ' heavy handed father ' isn't going to stop him. He's far more likely to listen to you if you take a more open approach. If he feels he can talk to you , he will be more inclined to listen to you too. Shouting the odds at teens rarely works anyway, seems to make them more determined to do what they want, after all to him you're an old man, in his mind what would you know about being young !

As far as your step daughter is concerned, she at 21 is an adult and as such would in my house be expected to act like one if she wished to remain living with me. As she seems to be acting rather like a child then it's up to you to be the adult and not get drawn into slanging matches . You do need to have clear rules of the house as both kids are old enough to follow them and understand why they exsist , if they refuse to follow them then you can then teach them about consequences ! Having a b/f sleep over and share a room is something you and your wife have to decide is acceptable- or not - and then abide by that decision. However laying down conditions, as you did , that have nothing to do with the actual request she made, doesn't achieve anything and will just confuse an already difficult situation. Either you allow it or you don't , and if not why not, try not to let other problems get involved i.e resolve one issue at a time.

The most important thing with kids of any age is to maintain a united front while they're present , discuss any difference of opinions with your wife in private, this gives kids less chance to play one against the other. If your W can't do this, you need to find out why. It maybe that she finds you too severe with them and over compensates by being too soft on them herself.

Bringing your stepson's biological dad into arguments about drugs , as he is a drug user himself, believe me is NOT a good thing, at worst it will make ss angry and resentful, kids that age are impressed by people who appear to live a carefree life without regard for laws and rules, be careful you don't push him to the point where he just thinks you're banging on about things, then he will never respect or listen to anything you have to say.

Seems to me you need better communication all round, starting with you and your W.

Hope this helps

Helen ( rw )

[Helen]

SHJ,

I have to admit, I find it odd that you let the fact that your stepdaughter called you 'Jack' after 3 years affect you so profoundly. You were the adult and she was most definitely the child. I would have found a way to rise above the hurt and win her round. Your entire relationship with her depended on the way you dealt with that one comment, I suspect. The fact that you were unable to forgive her for calling you 'Jack' instead of 'dad' has shaped your relationship with her over the years. If she doesn't want to acknowledge you as her dad now (as opposed to her father), there is nobody to blame for that but you.

As HelenRW suggested, while your stepdaughter is now a grown woman, it is up to you to be the adult in your relationship with her, especially if she is still behaving like a brat. Because you do have a relationship with her and it sounds like the bratish behaviour has become a pattern between you. I do get the impression that there is simmering resentment on your part, which has been there since she had the temerity to call you 'Jack'.

You talk about being unable to live in the situation you are in but I think you should try to take a look at things from your wife's point of view and as an outsider looking in. I suspect now your stepdaughter is an adult, she is seeing what we are seeing. If you want to stay married to your wife, if I were you I would pay more attention to what you say and how you say it - and be more willing to take comments/advice on board too, instead of knocking it aside if it doesn't suit.


Helen

[London]

You talk about being unable to live in the situation you are in but I think you should try to take a look at things from your wife's point of view and as an outsider looking in.

Helen - Jack can't do that. The "woe is me" people can't just all of a sudden look at the issue at hand from another's point of view - it's the "me, me, me" factor!

SHJ - Have you bothered to re-read what you actually wrote in that long account of yours? If you did, do you see anything wrong with what you have written?

You expect your step-children to treat you with respect? But guess what - respect isn't given without being earned. From what you describe above, you certainly don't have my respect here or those of the people who have already responded to you. Let's see (and I'l go in order of the dribble you've posted:

1. "Zero-tolerance" for drugs - I see we are trying to play dictator here. Well, have you actually defined what "drugs" fall in to your categorisation of narcotics? Do you know that the cops actually turn a blind eye to cannabis? Why waste their time and yours on that? And what are your "Or Else" if they are "caught" - will you beat the crap out ofthem like you threatened? Turn them in to the cops, send them to their room? What does their mom want to do in that case?

Oh yeah and the "Like Father Like Son" comment certainly doesn't help your case to earn respect. Not only is it uncalled for, but the comment itself implies that you not only not respect your step-son, but you don't respect your W or the bio-father of your step-son.

Of course the "I threatened to string the little B**** up " must have really worked....

And then you wonder why the kids have issues with you and why they treat you like dirt.

Not only that but you threatened violence against him as well. "I wanted to string him up, but his mother stopped me." (that's how he read it).

2.

"Of course his sister stepped in and "defended him". We had a stand up row Sunday and the way she spoke to me was disgusting, even more so as her mother my wife just sat there and said nothing.

"His sister" - Not "my step-daughter" or "daughter" but "his sister" - Looks like you have already cast that seperation long time ago. The fact that your wife said nothing is most likely due to the fact that she agrees and can't stand your guts anymore. If she did leave you said on your post of Nov 21st, then she was a fool to take you back.

She doesnt want me to address her as my daughter (well she stopped being that when after 3 years she called me Jack after an argument). Im the unfair one yada yada yada..
Because you ARE NOT her father. She is at most, your step-daughter. She has a father. If you had made the effort, she would have warmed and seen that you care. But you didn't. You don't even deserve the courtesy of being addressed - especially not the way you seem to be treating them.

I told me wife that my stepdaughter wont be happy unless she splits us up. If she cant stand up for me and support me, then it is pushing us further and firther apart. I said that my Stepdaughter is making things uncomfortable for me. I love my wife dont get me wrong but she is making it so difficult.

Yes, it's always someone else's fault. Wasn't it another reason why you and your W were having issues? Oh yeah - those weren't your fault and you refused then to take responsibility.

We did split for a month because I had enough of how my wife was acting, not supporting me, not standing up for me etc etc. When she came back she promised that we would have a new start. Some new start.

WHat have you done in that month. Have you made ANY effort to be nice, to earn the respect etc... no. YOU IMMEDIATELY THREATENED YOUR STEP-SON WITH A BEATING!

I can see us splitting again:confused: How can I prevent that and get my wife to see that her step daughter who is 21 is trying to split us up.

To be honest, seperating might be the best thing for all of you. You are a class A jerk who takes no responsibility for anything, always blaming others, belittling them and driving them away. You don't show your W or step-kids any respect yet expect them to give you unconditional respect?

You did the same in your previous posts - complain that it's always someone else's fault (or have you forgotten?) Look here then: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2627&page=1&pp=15

Your wife caved in to your wussy ways and gave you another chance, even though deep down she did not want to. ("I care for you but not in the way you want me too" ) But you blew it.

Need i remind you of the following:


If my wife asks the immortal line "Can we still be friends" , well what do you think I should say? Personally, apart from giving her a mouthful, it just will not work, as if she doesnt want me as a husband, I would rather not have her as a friend.

I value my friends.
__________

I KNOW my marriage is done, Im not stupid London. If my W is going to leave then I just want her to get it over with so I can try and move on. My Decision. Im not going after her. My decision Ive more pride in my self. My decision

There will be NO lets be friends. My decision

So London no mindgames. Just me following legal advice.

Yes, so much love there for your wife. Now do you see why she doesn't stand up for you (or really care) when your step-daughter gives it to you - your W is thinking the same things - but most of all she's saying to herself: "when the F*** is he gonna be a MAN and leave?"