Marriage Age Gap

[STARLITE59]

Hello,
hopefully ther is some one here that is married to an older man that can give me some advice,my husband and i have been married for 26 years and he is
20 years older than i am we have 4 kids and they are all adults except for our
17 year old that will be 18 in April i am 46 and he is 66.
here is the problem my husband id a very passive man and he is a very good
person he does not abuse me in any form but we only have sex every 3 or 4 months and this is causing a big conflict in our marriage but its just me because he is happy with the way everything is and i am always angry with him and i am totally angry with this situation he is very healthy so that is not the problem last week i left the house and spend the night at my daughters
because i totally lost it and needed to get away but as soon an my other kids
found out that i did this they were very angry at me for leaving their father alone that night.
i really dont know if ia making any sense i guess i just need to vent.

i guess i just want to know if this is normal to happen in a marriage that has this big age gap.

thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Helen]

Hi Starlite,

I am not in a position to comment on age gap relationships (my ex was only 20 months older than me) but it does sound to me like your husband is experiencing a decrease in testosterone levels. This is common in men of his age. Sex drive varies from man to man so not every man of his age will make love infrequently. I guess it is a similar situation to menopause in women, where sex drive can also vary.

I won't ask anything as crass as how often you used to make love but has there been a noticeable reduction in that area? If, up until fairly recently you were at it like bunnies and it has tailed off all of a sudden (or it tailed off all of a sudden) chances are there is a physical reason (such as reduction in testosterone) for his lack of desire.

This is a difficult one because you said he is happy with the situation. Does he know how unhappy you are and is he prepared to find a middle ground for the two of you? If he is, maybe you could suggest that he has a chat with his doctor?


H

[Helen]

Starlite,

I found an article about testosterone and low sex drive here: http://www.diagnose-me.com/cond/C477282.html

Apparently, male testosterone production drops off from age 50. By the time a male is in his 60s, 20% have sexual disfunction due to low hormone levels. I am not sure how this would be treated though - or even if a doctor would view it as something that needed treatment given his age.

My fingers are crossed for you.


H

[STARLITE59]

Helen,
thank you for the reply,he has gone to the Doctor and he was given Viagra but he does not use it unless i complain and i feel like he does me the favor of having sex just to shut me up and that should last me another 3 months i am
so frustrated with this situation that has been going on for about 3 years.

like i said before he is such a loving man but when it comes to intamacy he is
just not intrested i have asked him if i dont attract him any more and if he still loves me and the answer is always yes,i know that he is not having an affair because he never goes out by himself and he devotes all his time to our kids and he helps clean our house so i know that is not a problem.

before we used to be intimate about twice a week and that was perfect for me and i dont think that i am asking to much by at least doing this one a week or i will settle for one a month:>)

[Helen]

Starlite,

:) Once a month is a start, I agree - once a fortnight would be better for you, I suspect. It sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk to your husband again. The doctor gave him the viagra for a reason. It is not to be kept for best or anything! If he is adverse to getting intimate on a more regular basis, he needs to give you a proper explanation as to why this is and stop fobbing you off. I would impress upon him the fact that, as a woman in your 40s, you are at your sexual peak. You need attention on a more regular basis.

It is possible that the fact that he has to rely on drugs where he didn't in the past is an issue for him. Maybe it all feels a bit unnatural to him (which may explain why he only does it 'as a favour to you'). In which case, he needs to tell you what would work and not leave you frustrated, and in limbo...

Viagra seems to be seen as a great cure all. Did your husband talk to the doctor about alternatives? If he is unhappy with this sort of intervention, maybe an alternative therapy would yield the kind of results he is happier with?


Helen

[cupido]

I believe that age gap creates rifts...there is a time in the relationship wich makes you wonder whether you've taken the right decision to be with that person. This is because when time flies, years fly...point of views change.. I found sucha related discussion on this site :

http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/2424-huge-age-gap.html

I think that the maximum age difference must be 6-7 years..I dont believe there can be harmony for partners who have HUGE AGE GAP.

[Liz]

Not the most inspiring discussion of the subject however!

Liz

[STARLITE59]

i would like to give an update on my situation my relationship with my Husband and i has improved not a lot but enough to keep me happy he is really trying to make things better we are making love at least once a week and for me that should be fine.
i love him very much and i would stay with him even if we didnt have sex at all he makes up for it by being great to me in another ways like being a caring person and being a great father to out kids he does not say anything to insult me or abuse me in any way in all he is a good caring person i feel that i would rather have him this way than to have an abusive man and no sex to top it off.
but i feel that he loves me enough to start trying to make me happy by doing this once a week it might not be enough for some people but to me it is.

Starlite

[Helen]

I believe that age gap creates rifts...there is a time in the relationship wich makes you wonder whether you've taken the right decision to be with that person. This is because when time flies, years fly...point of views change.. I found sucha related discussion on this site :

http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/2424-huge-age-gap.html

I think that the maximum age difference must be 6-7 years..I dont believe there can be harmony for partners who have HUGE AGE GAP.Cupido,

My view is even huge age gaps can work. But do not get me wrong. As one partner ages, the relationship will need more work. That is inevitable. But what is important is firm foundations and the will to do the work to make things work. There is no ideal age limit so I do not accept your maxim re maximum age differences. I have known of men and women with partners 20 and 30 years younger that work. Look at Joan Collins and her husband. He is half her age and they are very happily married...

What matters is the respect and regard partners have for each other and whether that respect and regard lasts, even when one or other partner becomes less interested in the other sexually. The OP is happy. Leave her be. Do not try to persuade her that she has made a mistake or is bound to be unhappy because her husband is more than 7 years older than she is. In every other way she is happy...and your assertions are not necessarily the case.


Helen