Feeling sad

[AlwaysGreen]

I thought I would be married for ever. But now I am not so sure. I have been married for 20 years and it is on the road to decline. Yes My Husband and I have our normal ups and downs but his lack of personal hygiene is really getting to me and having a bad effect on our relationship. I love him very much, but then when it comes to a night of loving, I then don't want it. This is putting a strain on the rest of our relationship. I have talked to him so much about it over the last few years, but he has done nothing to change it. Now I have almost given up mentioning it because he will just give me that "Here you go again" look. He calls it Nagging.
I am going off my husband sexually and really don't know how to solve this. It might seem like a small thing to others but it is a huge thing to me. If anyone has any advise it would be appreciated.
Thank you

[Helen]

You poor thing! If you have tried asking him to wash and he keeps ignoring you, you have two choices. You either join him in his slovenly ways - including not washing for as long as it takes when you know he wants to get acquainted. Or, if you feel this is too gross for words, you shut up shop entirely and refuse to reopen for 'business' until he changes his ways.

His refusal to wash is about more than him being a dirty so and so. It is an issue of respect. He clearly has no respect or regard for you if he will not do something as basic as having a wash before the two of you get intimate. Not to mention dirtying up your sheets, transferring that stink to you AND his appearance...Yuk! :eek:

I could never imagine being attracted to the likes of Keith Harris in Eastenders but this is what your husband presents to you every day. It isn't on. He can call it what he likes but I don't think it is expecting too much for your partner to have a wash regularly. How long does it take anyway? 10 minutes in the shower? 10 minutes to shave? He doesn't sound depressed so one has to assume that he is outrageous and inconsiderate - continue to tell him so but follow up with withdrawal of services until he changes his ways.


H

[AlwaysGreen]

Helen.
Thanks for your reply. I haven't replied sooner because I all of a sudden felt bad for writing it here. My Husband doesn't know that I wrote here and it made me feel bad.
My Husband is a good man who works really hard. When he comes hame from work he just wants his dinner, put the telly on and chill out. He then falls asleep. I appreciate he is tired because he has such a physical job.
It has taken me a while to work out the most logical way of dealing with it, but i have sort of got there on part of the problem. I have his bath run when he gets home. That part of the problem at very little effort is now sort of solved.
The main main issue i have is really his teeth. He does not look after them at all. I have made appointments for the dentist. He went once. years ago. He has a phobia about dentists. I understand this but i don't.
This is an area where I cannot do anything about it. I have moaned until I am blue in the face. I have nagged, suggested, begged and finally given up. I don't kiss him. I haven't kissed him for a long time. I miss kissing. Kissing is a huge important part of love making. It feels like we are just having sex because the intamacy with kissing is not there.
I cannot possibly leave my husband just because of this. But it really is getting me down.
I have read so many of the threads on here. I feel for so many of the people. Relationships are very hard to maintain and can change course at any time. My problem seems so slight by comparison. I feel blessed to have been married for such a long time and do hope that we will always be together, but I have never for one moment thought we would be. I just hope we will be. My Husband looks at dirty pics on the web. Occasionally watches a video ( I leave him to it, not my cup of tea) enjoys the mad moment of kinky sex, goes to the odd strip club (with work collegues) I went with him once to see what it was all about. (Had a lovely chat with a dancer about her uni and studies). I don't begrudge my Husband doing these things every now and then. I appreciate that I cannot give him everything he needs. It doesn't bother me.I don't own him. I don't feel less loved by him. I try very hard to understand him. We are still in the MAIN PART of our marriage very happy.
All I do ask of him is the hygiene thing. The teeth thing. I work 2 jobs. raise the children. Cook great meals. launder to perfection. give him great sex.
I just want clean teeth in return.
He will buy me anything. take me on holiday. he puts up with all my oddities. He is a great provider of many things and ways. He will do so much for me but he won't do this. I would rather have this that much of the rest.
I am sorry for droning on.

[RON]

Talk to your husband about seeing a dentist who puts you to sleep to do dental work. It's now available and it will take care of his fear of going to a dentist. They will put him to sleep one time, fix everything, tell him how to care for his teeth and all will be solved. Good luck!

[Helen]

Hi,

Do not feel bad for posting about your husband on here. It was a real problem for you and you needed help. You were able to find a great solution too! But the teeth do remain a problem.

I don't blame you for not wanting to kiss your husband. Quite aside from the fact that his teeth probably don't look very nice, his breath probably doesn't smell very good either. His lack of hygiene in this area is making the potential for dental problems worse. If he doesn't want to have to go to the dentist, he needs to take much better care of his teeth.

Ron is right. Dentists have moved forward with technology in recent years. Drills tend to be water drills these days (rather than like drills of old!) and the whole experience is much more pleasant and a lot less painful than it used to be. Lots of dentists specialise in dentistry for nervous patients. Search online - I am sure you will find a few. If I were you, I would contact them and find out exactly what they do for nervous patients. Then start by taking your husband to look at one. Just sit outside in the car. When he feels able to, get him to walk through the door. If you arrange this with the dentists in question, they won't look at you oddly when you do this! Then get him to sit in there for a bit.

Lots of dentists let patients come into the surgery and just sit in the dental chair before they do any work. Your husband can have a look at all the instruments they are going to use and ask any questions he wants. Then perhaps, he will be willing to let them do a surface exam and take x-rays before moving on to actual treatment.

I would tell him that he really does need to try to get to grips with his fear. Dental exams pick up all sorts of problems, from gum disease (which could make his teeth fall out) to oral cancers. Untreated abcesses and other infections can spread and lead to heart problems. Lots of people think that dental care isn't necessary but it is essential to maintain a healthy body.

If I were you, I would track down a list of dentists in your area and find out which ones specialise in treating nervous patients. I would also supplement this with your own research into what untreated teeth can do to the mouth and the body. And then put it to your husband as something essential to his general health rather than a cosmetic thing.

Good luck,


Helen

[Helen]

I found this Q&A about nervous patients and visits to the dentist using Google. I just typed in 'nervous patients, dentists' and quite a few links came up:

http://www.dentalhealth.org.uk/faqs/leafletdetail.php?LeafletID=26


Helen

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Helen.
I had a huge arguement last night. He got amourous with me and wanted kissing. I turned my head away. That is all I seem to do these days. When he tried again I got annoyed. I accused him of being selfish and horrible. I told him I was beyond unhappy, but that I was now P***** off.
I did suggest a couple of weeks ago about having his teeth done whilst he was under the influence of Anesthesia. I told him that the dental practice would treat him kindly. His fear though is of injections. He turns white and almost passes out. That is just at a visual. He has a phobia of needles.
So now he is at work probably feeling angry with me. And I am sat here feeling totally let down.
I just needed to vent my feelings here, so that I can calm down and stop sniffing. My eyes are all puffy from crying. Big arguements always make me cry. I guess it is the frustration of not being heard. Apart from this, he is a good man. I just feeling I am knocking my head against a brick wall.
Ok. I am calmer now.
Thanks. Have a good day.

[Helen]

AlwaysGreen,

Poor you. I really do feel for you. As stated, my ex was the same when it came to care of his teeth. His avoidance wasn't about pain though. He was just too mean to pay for the treatment. I remember him being in agony for weeks because he had toothache - literally banging his head on the wall at times - yet he still refused to pay. In the end, I told him I would pay but he begrudged the expenditure. And while all of this was going on, he was still stuffing his face with chocolate and biscuits and not brushing his teeth at night. Go figure.

Does your husband understand why you won't kiss him? Doesn't he care enough about your relationship to do something about it? If he really does have a phobia about needles, it may be possible that the dentist can knock him out using gas. Would he be willing to consider that?

What is clear is this cannot go on indefinitely. He needs to do something. Real phobias are a problem but they are not insurmountable, if an individual really wants to overcome them. I wonder if your husband does...?


Helen

[Helen]

I forgot to say that beyond the obvious lack of attractiveness there is good reason not to kiss him. Things like gum disease can be passed on by kissing as evidenced here: http://mizar5.com/ and here: http://www.periostat.com/aaprisk.html so this is not just about the whole experience being unpleasant for you. He is also risking your health by not addressing this problem. Until he does, I would carry on refusing to kiss him. I would also get your own gum health checked as it is possible that he passed it on to you before it reached the stage where it physically repulsed you.


Helen

[Ginger God]

Always Green... you have said some very kind things to me over the past week and whilst I cant really say anything that will improve things with your H I can relate to the no kissing lark. My W wouldnt kiss me either whilst making love and it has to be one of the biggest turn offs in the world. She just lay there and let it all happen with the minimum of input.

I think if you are struggling with the intimacy part then it is going to be a struggle. Kissing I think can be more sexy than actually having sex, in fact everything that comes bevore actual sex is more intimate.
I really dont know what to say to you because I think it is down to your H to make things work.
Best of luck.

Graham

[AlwaysGreen]

Graham.
Thank you for your reply. I agree, kissing is so totally sexy and intimate. I miss it very much. I am determined to resolve this issue, though how long it will take me I don't know, and wiether I maintain my sanity is another thing. I love him very much, but it is amazing how one thing can become a huge thing and dominate so much.
Anyway, Nice to see you here again. I hope you have had a marvellous time with your children and that the week has been much better for you inside. I am sure it was lovely to have all the noise and bickering. Children are amazing creatures, aren't they.
Take care of you.

Cathy

[AlwaysGreen]

To top it off now, he has started to snore. Loudly.
Hence my being here at 2.30 am.
I will add that he has got this fluey/cold thing that seems to have been going around, so I don't exactly hate him or blame him for it , but Oh God I was so tired and now here I am wide awake.
So while I am here I will say that I hope you all had a nice Easter and didn't pig out too much on chocolate, Other than Helen, who no doubt on her detox, can't. Good luck with that by the way Helen.

Have a great Bank holiday Monday everyone.

[AlwaysGreen]

Well, I am back afer a lovely week (almost) at my mothers in Wales. I hope you are all well.
Helen, My husband has finally agreed to go and have a talk with my dentist. My dentist is a very lovely man with a calming nature and soft voive. Albeit he is built like a welsh rugby player.
My husband has not agreed to anything beyond the visit, but I am so pleased that he is taking this first step.
My going to my Mothers was a knock on effect form the week I had had. As I said we had had a huge arguement and I said some pretty horrible things. My Husband has admited that my going away, because of this, at least made him stop and think.
So, I am not holding my breath, but I am so very pleased.

[Emmazenith]

Hi Always Green,

I work for a TV company called Zenith and we are doing a programme about life coaching and are looking for people to take part in the new series who have marriage problems, fears, anxieties or phobias. If you would be interested in taking part or would like more information, please do not hesitate to conmtact me on 0161 838 5765 or e-mail me on emma_y@zenith-entertainment.co.uk.

Emma
Researcher
Zenith Entertainment

[Helen]

AlwaysGreen,

I am so pleased to hear that your husband is, at last, setting foot in the dentist's surgery. This is an important step and he doesn't have to have anything done for the moment. Just sitting there will enable him to become more relaxed about treatment. There was a woman who worked for me whose teeth were also in a shocking state. Tartar build up, teeth falling out - the works. Funnily enough it was only after she was widowed that she found the courage to go to the dentist. I went with her the first 3 times then she started going on her own. She did end up losing teeth but she was so pleased with herself when her treatment ended. Her teeth were sorted - she had to have 6 implants in the end - and all gum disease was successfully treated. It is doable if your husband is willing. What he has to tell himself is even if there is pain, it will not be excrutiating (and it won't) and it WILL get better.

I can't speak for you but I know Emmazenith means well. But I would not go for a reality programme about this unless your husband is willing. Even then I would give it serious thought as letting the nation in on something as personal as phobias and resultant marital difficulties can cause a marriage to implode. Another member here, Annie, allowed a reality programme to film her and her husband - I can't remember what for. But she says it caused a lot of problems and worse, once it is filmed it can be repeated. The problem is, once the film is in the can, a lot of these production companies don't care about the problems filming an experience can cause. Indeed, the more problems the better because it is all great TV and will bring in the viewers...

Just something to bear in mind. I am so pleased that your husband is taking this step. Keep us posted


Helen

[AlwaysGreen]

A
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry your Ex husband was also destructive. I am very fortunate that my husband isn't. He is a very gentle man but absolutely useless at communication. I know he has a phobia but he doesn't ever seem to be able to discuss it. It's really hard because if I look back to when we were first together, this was not at all a problem, he had nice teeth. I honestly believe that other than the phobia and fear of needles, he is also just plain lazy. He comes home from work, has dinner, watches tv and then will fall asleep. I have learnt to run his bath so that when he comes in he can dive straght in, otherwise, this too would fall by the way.
I don't think he treats himself, and me, this way through deliberation. I think he just doesn't think.
Anyway, I am glad that your life has improved, and that your Ex is trying to make an effort.
Take care.

[AlwaysGreen]

Helen,
Thanks for your reply.
I don't think I will allow my Husband to see your reply, just yet... It might scare him, but I do agree with you that albeit there might be alot of work that needs doing it will be worth it for him in the long run. I have asked him if he wants me to go with him, but he is not sure of that at the moment.
I also agree with the comment you made about reality tv shows. It is not always a sensible option especially with regards to intimate topics. Very often the editing changes the things said and can subsequently portray things in the wrong light. Also, as you suggest, it can be aired at any time, thus having potential to open cans of worms.
I find that albeit it can be enlightening and educational for some people to watch reality tv, it is for the most part the production companies idea of making money. They believe that a big chunk of the nation would happily tune in to the woes of others. How incredibly sad how right they are.
So, advice taken on board. Thanks.

[Lovey]

Hi AlwaysGreen! :) I've been reading some of your great posts and just wanted to say hello. I wondered if your H has been to the dentist yet? :) Is it that his breath is terrible? Just wondering if you've tried gum/mints.. etc and there's a great toothbrush on the market called 'Sonicare Elite 7800'. My H had gum problems a while back and since he's been using it, he has no longer had issues. Might help until he's in that dentist seat. As well, you should be able to request your Dentist give you a prescription for a sedative for your H when he goes to see him. :)

Good luck to you! Hugs, Lovey!