Need Advice am I over reactiong and what to do

[Paul P]

Let me explain that for the first 12 years of our marriage we were each others life we did everything togather. About 3 years ago I starting going to weekly sporting events with some of my friends sometimes 2 and 3 times a week. She never complained because we have a young child to keep her company, after 3 years I guess she was lonely as I was her whole life and I had her plus another life, she knew that I was not doing anything inappropriate
.
In jan 06 I discovered my wife of 15 years was posting on a website call Ashley Madison which is a site for married people to meet. I asked her why and she said she was lonely and she had was looking for some one to talk to and that she had only been on for 3 days (I believe this). She said some of the people on there where scary and this one guy gave out his phone number in the first 15 min. of conversation. I asked her to stop going on this site and she said ok. I check her internet history everyday and she never did go back.

3weeks later she went on a girls night out with a friend that I trust would tell me if anything wrong took place. My wife had a little to much to drink and on the way home called this guy. She said as she was talking she knew she was wrong and asked him to delete her cell number and that she nor he should call again. 2 weeks later I had the urge to check our cell records and saw this call I went back to the first time she went on the web site to today and this is the only time the ever called. I check other phone records and this is it. When I confronted her she cried and as I was packing my belongings she asked me not to leave to give her another chance. Well I did and it has been 5 days today since then and it is a living hell. I feel really bad for checking her internet activity as well as the phone bill but I continue to do so. I ask her the same 100 questions everyday and she patiently answers them, I feel like she is sorry and loves me but I am worried that it will happen again and then I will have to leave. This is the last thing I want as I love me wife with all of my heart. How do I let go and put this behind me. how do I stop worry what if it happens again. Please help!!!!

[matthew]

i feel you are over reacting, women tend to need emotional support and friendship more than men.
if i was in your shoes i would keep an eye on her behaviour and itemised bills but not feel betrayed at this stage,
I think you have caught your relationship problems before they have occured,feel positive and discuss what you both need from each other.Surely this is a warning not to take each other for granted.
Cant you find something that you both enjoy doing and devote a night a week to that.

[London]

after 3 years I guess she was lonely as I was her whole life and I had her plus another life, she knew that I was not doing anything inappropriate

Well, glad to see that you have your "own" life apart from your W. Why don;t you encourage her to have her own hobbies and get a more fulfilling life rather than have her feeling stuck?

I asked her to stop going on this site and she said ok. I check her internet history everyday and she never did go back.

Well done! You don't trust her enough to take her word so you double checked... Okay fine. So why continue to check and re-check? She's obviously given you her word and she's making an effort. Why aren't you?

3weeks later.... She said as she was talking she knew she was wrong and asked him to delete her cell number and that she nor he should call again.

She clearly realised she didn't want to do anything wrong and stopped. Good for her.....

2 weeks later I had the urge to check our cell records and saw this call I went back to the first time she went on the web site to today and this is the only time the ever called. I check other phone records and this is it. When I confronted her she cried and as I was packing my belongings she asked me not to leave to give her another chance.

She calls a guy, realises it's wrong, and hasn't done it since and you are already packing your bags? Talk about over-reacting. Do you tell your wife about any of the women you talk to? Perhaps she should start packing her bags.

Well I did and it has been 5 days today since then and it is a living hell. I feel really bad for checking her internet activity as well as the phone bill but I continue to do so.

What's the "living" hell?

I ask her the same 100 questions everyday and she patiently answers them, I feel like she is sorry and loves me but I am worried that it will happen again and then I will have to leave.

Why? Are you looking for the smallest excuse to leave? It sure sounds like it. You come across as control freak with trust issues. Think about what you are doing in your "other" life and ask if your wife did that would you be concerned? All she really did was "talk" to guy and then stopped!


This is the last thing I want as I love me wife with all of my heart. How do I let go and put this behind me. how do I stop worry what if it happens again. Please help!!!!

You "love" your wife?? Doesn't sound like it. I'm sorry but you come across as a self-righteous jerk. You don't deserve the loyalty or the love that your wife showers on you.

[Paul P]

Thanks for the tough love maybe this is what I need to realize my weakness. London, what would you do if it were you and she called on went on the website again? I am not being sarcastic just want to know what someone else would do in that situation. By the way as I was type the openning to this thread I realized some of the things that are in you response. Hopefully this will help me to not be a self-rightouse jerk anymore.

[London]

Paul, I am glad you didn't take offense and saw what I was trying to say to you!

Paul, has she actually gone on the website again? Has she called the man again? It wasn't all that clear from your original post. But she hasn't done anything more.... In any event, it seems to me like your wife is bored and frustrated with the situation. She's seeking attention from anyone who will listen. From what you wrote, it appears as though she doesn;t have a life outside you and the child. But you do and so does your child. Well guess what... your wife needs to feel validated as a person and not just as "your wife" or as a "mom".

I'd suggest that in the short term you guys have a chat about what things you can do together and what new things or interests your wife has that she could do without you.... it could be courses, it could volunteering, it could be working etc.... Encourage her to go to the gym as well.

Basically she needs you to give her attention as a woman/lover/mother of kids/ and she needs to feel like an independant person who has a life outside the home and even away from her H.

One other suggestion is that you learn to trust your wife. She's given you no reason to disbelieve her and she seems to have unbounded trust in you. You should return the same.... Stop beating the (dead) issue of the call and web. She knows that she doesn't want to lose you... but she's also feeling unsatisfied with her life at the moment.

[Paul P]

No she has not called on gone on the site again, I was just wondering what anyone else would do if she did after I asked her not to. I am a person with low self esteem and I believe this is way I try to control her for fear that I am not good enough for her. Sounds stupid doesn't it.

[jools]

Trouble is, if you keep trying to control her and keep asking"the same 100 questions every day" you'll drive her to do the things that you fear.
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HEADSHOPS (http://headshop.net/)

[Paul P]

Jools,

Do you think I an over reacting?

[jools]

Hi Paul,
I think you have BOTH over reacted on this one. If, as you say, your W never compalined about being left alone when you went to your sports events why did she go to the extreme of contacting other men? Maybe you chose to ignore her obvious loneliness? You say "She never complained because we have a young child to keep her company". Did she say that or did you just assume? Cos I can tell you that a young child is NOT company. Sometimes when you're left alone too long with a young child you feel SO trapped. I'd rather be on my own all day! (Though I absolutely love my daughters' company now that they're in their teens.)

Seems to me that there's been a massive communication break-down. None of it really got out of hand, so try to let it go. And the relentless questioning will do no good cos she's not about to change her answers. But her "patience" might well snap and then she might feel the need for "alternative" conversations. I think London's last posting sums things up quite neatly.
Jools
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Cat wheels (http://www.catwheelcompany.com/)

[shadow]

I think she is lonely for some attention, you have a life away from her and as a stay at home myself I tell you I would talk by hubby ear off the minute he walked into the door cause I was so in need of a adult conversation!

I agree besides doing things with her also trying doing little things. like calling her from work once in while just to say that you love her and was thinking of her. Leave a love note in the morning saying you are going to miss her and cant wait to get home, or hide little love notes, I am a big pepsi drinker, addicted to the stuff, yesterday I grabbed a bottle of pepsi out of fridge and was about half way done with it when I had noticed that my hubby had wrote I love you on the pepsi bottle! To some it might sound corny but I just LOVED it!!
Little things like if you notice her coffee cup (or whatever) is about done you get up and refill it for her, take her hand and hold it while you drive. there are tons of little things that she will for sure pick up on and respond too, cause it will show that you care. and soon you will find that she is doing little extra for you. Like my hubby had a bad day at work, I filled the tub with bubbles, lighted some candles, when in and grabbed my hubby hand and led him to the bathroom. We didnt talk just sat in there and soaked but there was still bonding even without words.

Yes if you do without a doubt think she is then you have the right to find out, but if she is not and you continue then you might just make her go that path, or make her think.... I am not doing nothing but he accuses me of it, is he doing it and feeling guilty.... like the saying who is calling the kettle black?

[Paul P]

I know everybody on here hammered me for overreacting and being a jerk but guys the more I try to let go the worst it is. I realize what she did was very minor, but with my co-dependence, I can not get the seed of doubt out of my head. I have it in my head that she is infatuated (sp) with this guy althought she says that she is not and that I have nothing to worry about.

[London]

Keep at it Paul and watch it turn to reality.

Keep doubting her, keep harrassing her and by all means keep her at home all locked up while you go out. Let her know you are tracking every web site she visits and tell her that you scrutinise her cell phone with a fine tooth comb.

Then after a few months you'll be back here asking for help or what do bc your W left you.

[shadow]

Paul maybe you should try and speak to a counslor about your co-dependence?

Did something in your past put this fear into you? Like did one of your parents have a affair? Not trying to be mean but did you cheat on your wife? I just ask because sometime when one does he will blame his spouse of doing the same thing to make themselves feel guilty and more justified for their actions, sort of like a eye for eye kind of thing.

Sometimes people are just born the jealous type but sometimes something has happened to make them that way.

Counslors can help you with either way, and it might be best if you try that before you do something to hurt the marriage

[Paul P]

No, I have not had an affair and I know my wife has not, but the fear of losing her is what is making me nervious. I have not check behind her in a few days so this has not been the topic of the day at my house. It has felt good to talk about other things and I am trying hard because I know LONDON that it could make her leave. I was just looking for tips on what other people do when their nerves act up. I do have an appointment with a professional so I have hope that all will be ok. My parents did not cheat on each other either. SHe is not being kept locked up, I know I could not keep her from going anywhere she wanted, I just want the nerviousness to go so things can be back to normal. I feel like an idiot because the incident that is doing this to us is so minor.

[London]

Paul - this is truly self-inflicted becuase of some deep underlying issue you have about her, the relationship and yourself. I would strongly suggest that you seek a therapist bc it seems that you have issues that go beyond the "minor" incident you keep referring to.

[jools]

I realize what she did was very minor, but with my co-dependence, I can not get the seed of doubt out of my head.
I just want the nervousness to go so things can be back to normal. The seeds of doubt, nervousness, jealousy...call it what you will...it's a bit like an itch. The more you scratch it the worse it'll get; till in the end it gets infected. The longer you can ignore the itch and leave it alone (and you will get days when the urge to scratch will drive you mad!) the less it will itch - until you get days when you don't even think about it. And so the healing process will continue. This is a strategy I've employed, and it seems to have worked. Your relationship will improve BECAUSE you have stopped being suspicious and then you'll stop being suspicious because your relationship has improved...and you WILL feel "normal" again. It's the ONLY way forward.
Jools.
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LovelyWendie (http://www.lovelywendie99.com/)

[andy]

Jools- great post. Your analogy with an itch is so very true. This can work. It worked with me too.

Paul - since I want this to be about you and your marriage, I will keep the discussion of my history brief... but my story may help you.

My wife was married at the age of 18 and divorced him at the age of 21. It was not a mean divorce. My wife thought she was missing out and decided the "grass may be greener" elsewhere. After her divorce, she dated here and there, but I pursued her. We were married too fast and too soon after her divorce - about a year later. I had found the person of my dreams.

It was my first marriage and I had expectations of what it was to be like. Our first year was tough, but we made it... 15 years later, she decides she has to deal with unresolved feelings concerning her first marriage. That was a wide open statement. I had 100's of questions too. We had, and still have a solid marriage with a bright future ahead...

While she was over this issue in a matter of weeks (with marital counseling, by the way), it was much longer for me.

I think I may have made it worse than it ever had the potential of being. She has been a great wife and a loyal wife...and I think my questioning dragged it on.

The reality of it all was -- that I had the issue... not her. What she did was have normal feelings... and took care of them.

I will finish this post later if I get time. Trust is huge. You must find happiness within yourself first. She cannot be the source of your joy.

Jools may have it right on this one.

Andy

[Paul P]

Well, I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I think I have seen the light, things are alot better around the house Thanks to everyone on her that help. I am not promising that I will not be back concerning this thread again but I have gotten help in many placing an hope that all is behind me. I know if I come back that all of you will be here to help again. Thanks P.

[London]

Well, I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I think I have seen the light, things are alot better around the house Thanks to everyone on her that help. I am not promising that I will not be back concerning this thread again but I have gotten help in many placing an hope that all is behind me. I know if I come back that all of you will be here to help again. Thanks P.

Glad to hear that things are progressing in a somewhat positive way for you.... one day at a time.... that's good!