is he in love with me?

[jaq1729]

I have been married just over a year and a bit. My husband gave up his job friends sold his flat to be with me, and it seems to be falling apart. My husband has little to no sex drive, we may have sex once a week if im lucky, with little forplay and me on top. It never changes. I have asked him to put some time aside for us but he doesnt get my point as he says that us sitting in the same room is spending time together. We never really go out as my husband is paying off old debts but im happy to stay in, but at times ive wanted to go to the cinema or try something new but he wont go. im 34 he has just turned 40, he says he likes to come home from work, have a shower put his joggers on and chill out in front of the tv. he told me at the weekend that that is what he likes to do and he doesnt want to change. I am bored to tears, i tell him every day i love him, i buy him little gifts, i run after him, i give him hugs, but he never gives me, he hardly tells me he loves me then says do you think i would have given everything up for you if i didnt love you?. I have children and he doesnt really bother with them much these days, but he is kind to them. I feel starved of affection and ive told him but he never does anything to make it better. I have no confidence in myself, ive tried to look nice for him but he never notices but i love him so much. I have been suffering with depression and although he has been there for me if i have a bad day he will say have you had your tablets. he rarely talks to me at night, he prefers to watch tv and im expected to guess how he feels. I dont know what to do.

[jools]

Hi Jaq
Reading this I'm wondering how long you knew each other before you got married. What was your relationship like then?
________
UGGS (http://uggstoreshop.com/)

[jaq1729]

hi jools, we had a two year relationship before we wed. he came up every other weekend or we went down to his at the weekends and holidays and we talked every day on the phone. my problem is I feel he isnt trying, isnt reassurring me. He is set in his own ways and the life he had down the road he has brought with him and slowly his single life, his peace and quiet, his long routine every day his solitute ways are returning. I am starting to feel like his sister, I wash his clothes make his dinner pay the bills and cant come on to him, everything has to be when he wants not when i want. I dont intend to give up on our marriage but I am beginning to wonder if i am his second best. He is always straight in from work, doesnt go near the pub but he loves a drink at the weekend and usually gets drunk and we cant do anything then either. he did loose his dad last year but he was like this before that.

[Nick]

Food for thought.

1. He really does think he "gave everything up for you" doesn't he? That's a problem, because I get a small feeling that he feels a debt somewhere, which in turn might be partly causing him to feel that he shouldn't need to make you feel happy, because from his perspective, he's "done his bit"...

2. He's unhappy with himself because he's not making a success of his life so far, and he's in debt etc. so that has knocked his libido for six. His sub-conscius tells him he's not performing.

3. You're lacking confidence as wel, perhaps due to the terrible lack of response to your efforts.


If these points are valid, (you will consider them?) then you might start to work on some ideas to restore his vitality, and if you succeed you will also feel a little better.

On the first point, remember one thing. Dont se it that way. He gave nothing up "for you". People do things because they want to, or that it was expedient to do so, or they HAD to, but not "for you"... I hate it when people see things like that... At a maximum, you might say "I did this or that FOR US" but not "For YOU". You can't go through life with debts to others...

I will be interested to read your reply to Jools.

[Liz]

Dear Jaq

It sounds as if disillusionment has hit your marriage early. There are some interesting articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) on the subject which you may find helpful. Marriage enrichment programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) are very good when we are going through a bit of disillusionment.

You might also find it useful to try and find out what each other's love language (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html) is. Your husband could just be selfish and insensitive but he may genuinely not realise how to express his love to you in a way that really means something to you.

Liz

[jaq1729]

THANKYOU for answering my post, I have been cracking up with having no-one to talk to. Maybe you are right Why should I be made to feel grateful to my husband for giving up everything for me, I gave up my social life for him. The extra time with my kids etc.. you know I ask him if he thinks im fat and he says no. I ask him if he likes my body, he tells me he is happy with my body if I am, but he knows im not. I ask him if he loves me, and he tells me he does but sometimes he doesnt when I make things hard. HE told me he never got any cuddles when he was a child and its hard for him to give me. His last relationship lasted 4 years, she was younger than him and liked to go out clubbing, he stayed at home and had a drink and she ended up sleeping around. they split up and he had a break down, with the stress and she left him in debt. They went on lots of holidays and weve only been away 2 days. He is still paying for their debts 6 years on. I used to thgink he was still in love with her although he says im the love of his life but I find that hard to believe. I want romance cuddles, shudders between the sheets and contentment and a feeling of security and I have none. I am not feeling sorry for myself but I would just love to be loved.

[London]

Jaq - Liz has some good articles and potential excercises for you... but from what i can see, and I apologise upfront for saying this, but it sounds like your H had married the wrong type of first wife (for which he is "paying off his debts" financial and emotional) and you married the wrong type of man and are beginning to see its effects now......

Ultimately, you are going to have to ask yourself, can you live without the "romance, cuddles, etc" becuase, and this is my humble opinion only, there is almost no way you can change your H to be more like what you want.... You may very well be the love of his life , but is "love" enough to wash over what you want in a spouse?

[jaq1729]

thanks london, I do take your point, He wasnt always so reserved and boring, I would never try to change anyone as they wouldnt be the person I fell in love with. I may have gotten carried away with the whole marriage thing because he said he would never get married but he did, to me. when I was younger I ran off and got married at 17 had my family, I gradually went off sex and that ended my marrige after 7 years. now im in my thirties and older and in love I feel im missing out. what is normal? I wish I had the answers.

[marlenefilla]

Take it easy, patience is the clue. It's too early in your marriage to know all the answers. He does not sound to be a bad guy to me, he just sounds to be a "regular" man. Men are quiet and less affecionate than women in general. We women demand too much to men and they don't understand what's going wrong because their needs are different. I've benn married for a year and some of the same things you feel I have. Sex goes down, he comes back from work and needs time for himself, and so on. Try to understand his needs and acept he is different and shows love to you in his own ways. Try to do something else, like learning something new, something that makes you feel better about yourself and be proud, that works for me.