What should I do?

[breezer]

I have been married for over 15 years and love my husband to bits even though our marriage has been rocky over the years and he has threatened on many occasions that he would leave although had not ever carried this out until now - he finally took the decision to leave me on 21st Feb 06. It came out the blue this time as we had not had any argument!

We have had many pressures on our marriage but always seemed to come through because I thought our love was so strong!! One of those pressures has been my weight - I am obese and although everyone says I have a pretty face it has been a complete and utter turn off for my husband. My problem with him was that I wanted him to love me whatever size I was and this has caused me much anxiety and frustration. He has now also admitted to having an affair around 8 years ago which lasted for nearly 1 year!!

I really love him and want to lose the weight not just for him but also for myself as I am unhappy with myself. I am feeling absolutely devastated and hurt. I've tried asking him to go to Relate to help us but he won't have it. I don't know what to do to make him realize that I will do anything to try save our 19 year relationship. I have to stress that we had kids straight away and I believe we have never had the chance to be a "couple" as such. Also my weight has not helped coupled with my frustrations/temper. I feel a sense of desperation. Is it too late??

I feel like kicking myself....the signs were there but I did not take them seriously!! I can't lose him.....I love him so much!

[Helen]

Hi breezer,

I am tempted to say that any man who walks away from a decent woman because she is overweight isn't worth yearning for! Before I get into the 'advice' thing, could you tell me how old you both are? Also, what sorts of things made your marriage so stormy? Why did he keep threatening to walk away? And just how overweight are you?



Helen

[hoxton]

Hi breezer,
My heart goes out to you at this time, I also had my world blown apart on the 19th of feb,
and even though our circamstaces may be different Losing the man you love or finding out the man you love has been deceiving you for a year is absolutly heart breaking.
I am interested was you big when he met you.
Because there could be a chance that he is just using your weight as an excuse to leave,
It must be really horrorble thinking that you do not look good enough for the man you love,
I think it is sad that you cant be excepted the way you are. ( and loved for what you are )
If you are un healthy then it would be good to lose a bit of weight ( for health reasons )
But you are what you are. I am sure your husband has faults maybe you should remind him you love him walts and all. . . .
Is there anyone else ?
What were the other issues ?
I find it hard to beleive someone would walk out on fifteen years because of your weight.
Which brings me back to, Is he using your weight as an excuse ?
I have really long blonde hair and as much as i like it My main reason for keeping it was the fact my H really likes it, the same way i keep myself slim It is important he fancys me. But sometimes I get upset because I feel that every man that has been in my life has only wanted me as a trophy.
I Just want to be loved for who I am and not the way I look.
I hope your H realizes that he has a wife that loves him.
Maybe a few days away will make him miss you and want to come home,
If not then we are here to listen,
take it day by day, I know thats hard when your world has fell apart. but there are people who understand.
I should take my own advice I never slept again last night. Keep crying night and day I must be really messing my kids up I am trying to keep it from them but I can not control it.
be brave.
Amanda X X X

[breezer]

Thanks Helen & Hoxton,

Well what can I say....my story is very long and complicated but the jist of it is that we are now both 38 and met when we were 19. We had great sex before marriage and after. But I got pregnant immediately and put on 5 stones. I only lost 1 stone after my son was born and I became depressed about the weight and instead of losing I started gaining. I tried all sorts of diets etc. I am now a size 28 and need to lose about 12 stones!!!! I am feeling so awful and did not believe my husbands threats about leaving me.

Our arguments have mainly been about petty things which have escalated but my husband reckons it is my temper that has got him down. I know I have had trouble controlling this over the years but I am so much better now than ever. We argue about our kids - about how to discipline them. In the early days all the arguments were over his mother with whom we lived for nearly 3 years of the start of our marriage. She was a control freak and I cannot be controlled!!

Things seem to have taken more of a toll since my in-laws split up and my father-in-law's alcohol problem has not helped either. He has taken the split very badly and has no friends etc.

I think my husband is trying to run away from his problems just like his mother did. Instead of helping their spouses they run.

I love my husband so much but now feel very hurt and lonely. He says he will come back for the kids sake but for me he can only be a friend. I don't know if I can cope with that but I have to give it a shot. I just need him to communicate with me better. In the last week we have probably talked more than we ever have....but my worry is...is it too late? I don't want it to be.

Help me see the light!!?

[hoxton]

Hi breezer
Well I soppose it is a start.
Will he go to counciling with you ?
keep talking and maybe you can work this out. But dont beat your self up to much, Your husband needs to understand that you are hurting.
x x x

[Helen]

Hi breezer,

Thanks for that. There is quite a lot going on here, isn't there?

Okay, the first thing that strikes me is if you are a size 28, you probably don't have 12 stones to lose. The true figure is likely to be nearer 8-9 stones (my reasoning is if you were 12 stones overweight, I feel sure you would be bigger than a size 28)... 8-9 stones is still a large amount but there is room for a bit of optimism there! And actually, I would say you need to think about the weight you need to lose in terms of steps rather than the whole amount, otherwise it is overwhelming. Try one stone at a time and see your GP. I am sure there are things your doctor can do to support you in your weight loss efforts.

The other thing that strikes me is where you say you became depressed about your weight after your first child was born. I have a suspicion that you were depressed because your husband was less than complimentary about your weight gain. Coupled with this, was your mother-in-law on the other side rubbishing your mothering/homekeeping skills? I am also guessing you tried to lose the weight more because of his comments than because you felt a need to get in shape quickly. If so, it is little wonder your efforts were and remain doomed to failure.

Until you are ready to lose weight for the right reasons, you will struggle. Before embarking on any diet, you need to prepare. And psych yourself up. Do not do it for any man or indeed, any onlooker. Do it for health reasons. Do it for vanity reasons. Do it because you want to wear nicer clothes. Do it because you want to be fitter. When you have psyched yourself up enough, one day you will wake up and know that TODAY is the day you will start. And because you are psyched up, it will be easier to remain focused. The reason why I say do not do it for your husband or anyone else is because your marital issues are about more than your overweight body. If so, a slimline you isn't going to solve them and I would worry if it did because that would tell me that your husband is pretty shallow...

Another thing that occurs to me is this problem to do with your temper. Were you always bad-tempered or was this something that came on over the years? I ask because it sounds to me like the temper may be hormonal and linked to your weight. Just as it is difficult for people who are severely overweight to conceive, they also have too much of various hormones in their body and this can affect moods - and appetite. Do you suffer from PMS? Just curious. If so, sorting out your nutrition may be a way to get to grips with your weight and your temper too. When I was a young woman I suffered from PMS pretty badly. I am talking about turning into a cow for 10 days each month! For almost 3 weeks of the month I was on a perpetual diet because I knew that I would be out of control for those 10 days! I found myself apologising to people all the time for my outbursts, which I felt unable to control. I also used food as a comforter because I hated the way I behaved and looked. The need to scream felt like a pressure in my head and I dreaded the approach of my periods. I became pretty desperate. In the end, I bought a book called The Optimum Nutrition Bible by Patrick Holford and followed the therapeutic supplementation regime for PMS. The result was a miracle! Not only did my PMS disappear, I felt well enough to get my weight under control too. I recommend this book to everyone and quite a few friends went out to get it. If you feel this may be a problem for you, give it a whirl. You have nothing to lose except a few quid (and potentially, a few stones too!).

Onto the rest of what you say. You are both 38. I think maybe your husband has been doing some soul-searching (as people are prone to doing when they are approaching the big 4-O). Perhaps he ran away because he feels the marriage really is bad and he cannot face the thought of staying for the second half of his life. For someone in that situation, returning for the sake of the kids is never a good idea. Not for him and definitely not for you. Otherwise you become relegated to little more than a housekeeper. He can love the kids from elsewhere. So it sounds to me as though this is a holding remark on his part rather than a statement of truth. If you had your first child soon after the marriage, I am guessing that first child is in his mid-late teens. Hardly a small 'child'. So perhaps there is something else going on in your husband's head. Incidentally, living with an alcoholic is no joke. I am not surprised your mother in law grew fed up and left...

I think your husband is telling the truth when he says he loves you but he cannot be with you. I think the weight is one issue. The temper is another. And I get the sense there is something else there too but I can't put my finger on it. Discipline is a big issue. This was something my ex-husband and I fought about early on in the marriage and, as a consequence, our son used to play us off against each other. The solution was we sat down and agreed ground rules around how we would raise our son. And we found that we were mainly in agreement about lots of things. The sticking points were identified and we agreed how we would deal with them. The important thing is not to give the kids conflicting messages. If they know their parents do not agree on how to discipline them, they will play the 'softer' target. Kids are kids! If there is conflict, talk about it away from the kids and try to see the other person's point of view, even if you disagree with it. I guess the important lesson I learned is it is important to compromise because those kids are his too.

All of this said, none of it seems big enough (to me) to justify him walking away. Do you think there might be something else there that you have not identified yet?

I think I have said enough for the moment! Sorry for the super long post.


Helen

[breezer]

Hi Helen,

I am beginning to see the light!!! I don't think I will like the reality of it but I have to accept! I am in denial at the moment. God this is so hard. I never dreamed this could happen - I should have though!! I can turn it around I'm sure of it though. I did not believe him before but obviously there were things that were making him miserable too.

My sons are now 14 and 11 and my elder one has a heart condition so you can imagine the added strain there. He has already had open heart surgery when he was 12 and will probably need further treatment.

My husband has also said to me that he is fond of someone at work but that so far all that has happened was a drunken night snog! You can imagine how this has hurt me. Anyway,the woman in question has said to him that it will go nowhere because he is married. I am thinking that this has instigated his decision to leave as he thinks the grass is greener. Maybe he thinks he has more in common with her....I don't know. He won't open up about what attracted him to her. He also tells me to forget about her and that nothing is going to come of it....but now I don't believe him and for that reason I keep pursuing this notion in my head. I am trying to convince him that it is just an Office crush and trying to convince him that we can make it work if only we communicate and talk without shouting!

Do you think I should back off and let him go? I don't want to be in a position that he then comes running back should it not work out. I would rather he not pursue this and give us a chance now that I know how serious it really is.

Thanks again for your words of advice. I have already started my campaign to get fit. In fact I had started it before he made his announcement. For the first time in a long time I had positive hopes for this year. I have lost 9 pounds now in the last damn week!! I am going to keep this up regardless of what happens as I know the weight is harmful to me. I will try that book.

Thanks again.

Breezer x

[Helen]

Breezer,

The reality is he has come back. He says for the sake of the kids but like Hoxton says, it is a start. I think it is too soon to talk about letting him go. I think the best thing to do is to sit down and ask him - bottom line: what is it going to take to put this right? You two have been together for almost 20 years. That is a lot of history to throw away. Yes, he has threatened to walk away on a number of occasions in the past but he hasn't. So something (aside from the kids) is keeping him there. Hang onto this thought for the moment as I believe this is salvageable.

It is good that you have embarked on a fitness regime. Well done on the 9lb weight loss! Just remember - take it one day at a time; one hour at a time if necessary. And persevere. If you fall off the wagon, do not throw in the towel. One binge is not going to undo everything. Get right back on it from the next meal and, whatever you do, do not skip meals to make up for any binges you might have. Do accept that you will lapse occasionally too - you are only human! Just have a plan to deal with it otherwise everything could well go pearshaped. If you are not doing any, think about exercise. Exercise has a number of benefits. It helps you deal with stress. It improves sleeping patterns. It helps tone - important when you are losing weight. And I found that diet alone did not help me to stay motivated. Diet coupled with exercise did. But speak to your doctor before embarking on anything more strenuous than walking.

I will say it again - think about the reasons why you have launched this fitness campaign. If it is a desperate attempt to keep your husband, I think you need to find some other motivation to maintain your focus. The reason why I say this is you cannot guarantee that he will stay, even if you succeed this time. The threat of him walking out has always been there and, while this is a motivation, the minute you work things out and are in happy land again, everything could slide. I would recommend that you focus on the health benefits, your improved appearance FOR YOU and the fact that you will be able to wear nice things - not to mention nice shoes! For me, the motivation was not overheating in the summer! Do not, whatever you do, do it in a desperate attempt to hang onto your husband or in response to his latest criticism. And when you sit down to talk to your husband, tell him - I agree, I have let my appearance go. But I am going to take control again. And this time, I am doing it for ME. For my health, for my own vanity and pride and so that I can wear nice things. He may not like it or he may not feel any way about you saying this. But it is important to let him know that you realise that your appearance is your responsiblity. But also point out that his hurtful comments over the years have not been helpful to you because they have all but destroyed your confidence, making you more depressed and causing you to eat even more. Instead of criticising you, perhaps he could be supportive for a change? Buy a low fat cookery cookbook and ask him to cook you meals from it occasionally. Show that he cares instead of tearing your appearance down all the time...

I would also say when you talk to him that him returning for the sake of the kids is no foundation for a strong marriage. He has to want to come back for you too. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. But he has to be willing to do his part too. Ultimately, he can talk about the constant arguments but it takes two to argue! You were not arguing on your own. Maybe both of you should evaluate why the arguments happen instead of him shifting all the blame onto you all the time - and making you feel even worse about yourself. I believe the end result is the same for most women. If they feel emotionally stressed or upset, they head for the Haagen Daz! Tell me it isn't true...

I am sorry to hear about your son. A sick child is an added pressure but you know, if you sort out the foundations of your marriage, even this strain will become easier to bear. I am not looking to make you feel worse but I do wonder if your husband blames you in any way for your son's problems? Has he ever said anything to you? Do you know how he feels about your son's illness? I am just curious.

As for the drunken snog, the lure of this woman has not been enough so far to make him walk away permanently. Do not let your husband feel that you are ever going to give him permission to go off with someone else and 'let things run their course' or 'burn out'. If this person is unencumbered by baggage, the grass will almost certainly be greener because at home he has a morbidly obese wife, a child with a stressful illness and constant arguments. You have been his faithful wife for a long time. He owes it to both of you and the kids to take a last stand on saving your marriage. Coming back for the sake of the kids will not cut it. As Hoxton suggested, I would recommend you broach the subject of counselling - or, at least agree to be more candid about the real issues in your relationship and, together, formulate a plan to work on them. There is plenty of material on the net to help you do this in the privacy of your home if your husband is unwilling to go to a counsellor.

Bottom line is walking away is the easy option but marriage is hard work.


Helen

[breezer]

Hi there,

Well it's five days since my husband left and so much has happened! I have broken down at work and been off sick, I have been to Relate, I have had my parents down to have it out with H, my kids have forced me to tell them what is going on - this was my breaking point and finally my husband has said he wants to try again after seeing that the kids were heartbroken too!!

Now that I am by myself in the evenings I can't but help think about the affair that he had 8 years ago. I keep thinking about the other woman!! Who was she and what was so special about her? I said I had forgiven him...but have I really?

I'm so confused and very hurt. I'm reading a book on relationship rescue by Dr Philip McGraw....anyone else read this and does it help - seems good so far?

Breezer :confused:

[Helen]

Breezer,

I cannot say I have read this book so I have no idea if it is any good but if it is helping you, it will do. In terms of this other woman - your need to think about her depends on whether she is still relevant on the scene currently. I suspect not. The affair took place 8 years ago, so while I accept that the concept of that particular affair hurts, she can safely be relegated to the annals of 'ancient history'. It happened but it was a long time ago. Still, you are only human and are probably sitting there wondering why he felt the need to have an affair in the first place? It sounds as though he hasn't learned yet that appearance is important (in terms of you wanting to wash and brush yourself up to look and smell your best for him) but slenderness is not the first thing to consider when you are living with the great love of your life. He doesn't yet realise that you are his great love - the fact that he has stuck with you, despite your 'shortcomings' is very significant.

It sounds as though he invests a lot of value in appearances so the question has to be 'why?' If he loves you then what you look like should not matter to anyone else, as long as you are clean and make an effort. And if he loves you, he will not care about something as petty as your size. You are still you, after all. What sort of work does your husband do? Is appearance an important factor? Some jobs rely on wives being 'trophies' too. If appearance is a factor in his career, I suspect he loves you but would love you to be everything his colleagues would expect of a man of his background. Slim, sexy, etc. In that area, he has indicated that you let him down. And if he works in an area where appearances are important, it is little wonder that he feels a certain amount of pressure to present a wife who measures up.

Yet I bet there is a part of you that wants him to rebel on your behalf. Society is filled with unhealthy images of women. Size 6, size 8...size ZERO - what chance have normal people got of achieving this? None! So maybe his notions need adjusting, through re-education. After all, you are an almost 40 year old mother of two!

Do not feel bad about melting down at work. I did too and had to have 3 weeks off on special leave with pay. I wasn't sick but I could not work due to the trauma I had endured so I was given time off for domestic trauma. You will get past this - trust me. Do not put any additional pressure on yourself. And like I said - the kids are a useful starting point. I am not sure that I would involve my parents. After all, you and your husband are adults and ought to be capable of sorting this mess out on your own. It is time for the sit down, bottom line talk. What is it going to take to get us back on track? Have the conversation and send your parents home.


H

[breezer]

Thanks Helen,

I know I should not be dwelling on the past and I am trying to give my husband some space but it is so hard when he keeps coming round. On the other hand I do not want to deny the kids either as they are quite upset too. I have sent my parents back but now realise that this was entirely the wrong thing to have done!! But I was an emotional wreck and they just did the instinctive thing - came over to support me! However, I should have told them not to say anything to him! It has actually set us back a bit!!

I have had another conversation with my husband today and he now thinks we have too much history to throw away and would like to try again but what is confusing me is why he is not willing to come back straight away! He still wants to stick to his plan....maybe it is male pride! He plans to come back next weekend when I will be away with the kids.

I just want to be loved again. Is that asking too much? I want that comfort feeling and yearn for him to just give me a hug without me having to ask for one. At the moment I keep getting that sinking feeling. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make myself irresistable. If only!! He says that we can be like boyfriend/girlfriend again yet he does not look at me or sit near me! Maybe I am trying to rush too much. Maybe I should be more patient!! Will he ever rediscover the love he thinks he has lost for me? I hope so.

I'm also wondering if he is trying to string me along....giving me false hopes in order to keep the lifestyle and kids while they are both still under the age of 16 and then when my youngest reaches that age will he leave? He has mentioned that it would be easier to part then. Am I risking things or should I just wait and see and then if nothing changes towards me boot him out?? Of course these are all hypotheticals.

What an awful dilemma I am now in!!!

Breezer

[Helen]

Breezer -

Whatever your husband's 'plan' is, tolerate it for the time being. I would not care when he comes back so long as he does. I suspect what is going on here is about more than your size. I suspect your size was a factor originally but it sounds to me as though other problems between you and your husband have outstripped this. As for you yearning for a spontaneous hug, etc, I am not sure when things will get back to that point again - or even if this is feasible. But it is something to aim for. Trouble is, a lot of water has passed under the bridge since your husband left - not least your discovery that you were not the last in his chain of women. Whether you can get past this will be up to both of you, I think...

I agree the parents were a mistake but an understandable one, in the circumstances. On the plus side, it is not a mistake you are likely to make again so do not beat yourself up about it too much.

I will be honest - I have no idea if your husband is stringing you along. Only he can answer that question and I suspect he will be less than forthcoming for the timebeing - mainly because he has no idea himself. I would grab whatever you can get, have the frank conversation, persevere with your fitness plan, and take it from there. That is all you can do, really...


Helen

[breezer]

Thanks Helen,

I will now just take one day at a time and not have too many high expectations of my husband. Instead I need to focus on myself and maybe then things will turn around for me. I will gain more and more confidence if I feel good about myself.

Watch this space!! I'll let you know my progress further down the line. But thanks for your words of wisdom!

Breezer x