Will i ever forgive and forget

[matthew]

My wife and I have been together for eight years, married for three. We have three young children -Emily (4) and identical twins Luke and Alex (2). They mean the world to us both. My wife works part time when not looking after the children which are a very demanding.



I am a joint owner/Director of an installation company with 19 staff on the books, this can at times be very time consuming and stressful. I have until recently brought my work back home with me or other wise I would smoke weed which I found help me to relax. For both of these reasons didn’t give my wife the attention she deserved. My wife also developed post natal depression.



My wife has always been very caring, loving and devoted to myself and the children. I always believed that we would be together forever and that nothing would break our love. I trusted my wife so much I never even dreamed that she would look at another man.



At the beginning of September my wife started to get the buzz for going out, she would go out each weekend and on several occasions midweek. She started to get very confident in herself and make more of an effort with her appearance. This continued for four months. During this time I became very suspicious of her behaviour as she was returning hours after the pub was closed. She was very adamant that nothing was happening and that I was insecure and jealous. I would become very uncomfortable each time she was out after 2am and one time she returned at 5.30am saying she had fallen asleep on a mate’s sofa.



At the beginning of November we had an argument over this issue which led to us separate. I took a good look at the situation and decided I would do any thing to make us work. I immediately stopped smoking weed and returned home early from work and spent all of my energy on my wife. It actually made me realise just how much I loved her. I felt that I had that first love feeling again like when we first met.

She also revealed to all her friends and family how happy we were together and how we were so in love.



Two days before the New Year I found a text on her phone, confirming my worst fear. It read how their time together was never enough and how she couldn’t wait to see him soon. At first my wife tried to say it was a friend who she had kissed twice, however I found out more and more. They had been sneaking down alley ways or park sheds and even to a friends flat where it became full on.



I was absolutely devastated not only had my wife been cheating on me for four months but also she had been deceiving me as to where she had been. My wife says that she never stopped loving me or wanted to leave me but enjoyed the constant flattery this person was giving.

We have been through a session of relate counselling however I found this focussed on relationship issues which we resolved in November.

I am finding it very hard to forgive and forget what has happened, I know that time Is a great healer but I cannot stop myself dwelling on what has happened. I feel like a broken man.

[hoxton]

Hi mathew,
I know how your feeling,
My situation is simlar in many ways we have been together nine years and married nearly three with three sons.
I dont know how to make it better I too thought we were really happy only to find out my H has been phoning and texting another woman for a year now and weather or not they ever met and had sex I will never know but they have had a relationship over the phone for a year.
But it's the lies that do the most damage everytime they say something and promise you that your the only one then you find out different when you have asked them to be honest they lie lie lie.
You obvioulsly love your wife and family very much so you have to try. But she has to want it as well.
Surely the fact that you have give up smoking weed and are coming home earlier from work is a good sign.
But isnt it mad how they deceive us and lie and we manage to blame our selfs and bend over backward to try and make it work, and all the time it's us that have crazy stuff flying around in our heads and feel pain everyday.
Just keep trying and Maybe she will realise how lucky she is to have you.

[Kimberley]

I agree with Hoxton. I have also been deceived for six months and only found out two weeks ago. The problem is I think that they become used to lying and very good at it with practice. All I can say is take one day at a time and you are the injured party and you are trying to make it work then she will have to put up with the fact you will want to know where she is, what she is doing and there are times you may be happy and you may be sad but you cant let it consume you.


Take heart and keep at it you have been married a long time and have children. It is easy to take each other for granted but dont take the blame you have been busy helping provide for your wife and family and you have done nothing wrong. It makes the wrong doer feel so much better to put the focus on the other party makes them feel a bit better to sell it to themselves its wrong and its not true. I know from my H that feeling and I have started saying I may not be that attentive but that does not get you the excuse to seek attention else where. That puts it into perspective at least for me.

Hope things work out for you, I have found the forum helpful and ask being in contact with Kate, the Moderator/Counseller on Site.

Take care.

Kimberley X

[RON]

I hate to tell you this but it is possible to forgive. My wife had a one year affair with another married man for a year and it's been several years ago and I can never make myself forget. I am madly in love with my wife after 38 years but the images will never leave me. The thing I'm comfortable with is that my wife is also madly in love with me, she made a terrible mistake, was taken advantage of when our marriage was weak. I love her, forgive her but will always be haunted about what happened. Just move forward and enjoy what you can have together.

[blackbeard]

Don't think anyone can answer the question as to whether you can forgive and forget, sorry. I am in a similar situation except that I have told my W that I know all about her affair and yet she still denies it, we have had fairly long conversations in the evening where she has been telling in great detail all about her day, only for me to find out that every word of it is lies!! It really is incredible how someone you have trusted and put your life and soul into can do that and still sleep at night!!

We want to seperate now, I want to get out but cannot find anywhere to go and she is not helping that situation either by not discolising her finances which means I can free up the money to finance a new place to live. Added to this I have had discusssions with a solicitor who has now advised me to stay put and file for divorce on the grounds of her adultery, what a very comfortable situation that is going to lead to!!!

I guess the thing is that no-one can tell you whether you can forgive and forget all we can do is to let you know of our own experiences and outcomes and hope that it will help you to find the right decision based on your situation.

I hope it all works out for the best. Good Luck.

[matthew]

Thanks for the advice
i am having good days and bad days.
It has made us both realise how much we do love each other, My wife is certainly making the effort to ease my pain.She knows what she did was wrong and the pain she has caused. I dont think people actually think about the fallout of what they are doing,she has never seen me suicidal or as down as i have been.
I think i will forgive but never foerget but why should i. I need to keep my guard and look out for the signs i noticed during this period. I no longer feel the need to check her phone but should she act suspiciously with it i would not hesitate to snoop.
I checked her phone Three times a day during my suspicious time luckily she forgot to delete a message before it went further, had it done i am not sure i would have took her back.

[jools]

Sounds like you were smoking a lot of weed, and probably not a lot of fun to be around. Added to that your wife had post natal depression...can't think you were much help then either. Doesn't take a genius to see why this all kicked off, but it sounds like she really wants to make amends. Of course you'll struggle with trust issues, but the positive thing to come out of this is that you could actually end up with a healthier marriage. Think about how the two of you feel about each other now and compare it with how you felt about each other 6 months ago. Which is best? Maybe no gain without pain?
________
red head Cam (http://www.girlcamfriend.com/webcam/redhead-girls/)

[matthew]

to jools.
You are so right.
I was working seven days a week building up the buisness and vary selfish the rest of the time.
In fact i am probably the only user of this site where i deserve what i got.

The hurtfull part for me is why it continued after November, I devoted my energy and love to my wife, i really felt on cloud 9 so in love again like a teenager. I was so glad that i had seen the light. My wife even bragged to her friends and family how happy we were.

The affair continued and actually only became fully sexuall once,(two days before Christmas). This has made me picture myself as him when i touch my wife.

Did she not really feel that burning love that i felt?

We were told at relate that an affair is addictive and not easy to stop but i feel he used the fact that she was weak and vunerable to continue until he got what he wanted.
He is a player.
( he had three women on the go behind his girlfriend of 6 months /still with)

I found a bottle of perfume that i did not recognise so i asked her if it was a present from him.Again she was adamant that it was not.She has been saying all week that she got it with her store card points.
About an hour ago i tricked her into the truth so the lying didn't stop.
I know she is lying to protect me from the truth but it has set back my ability to trust that she is telling me the truth.

I understand why it started but not why it continued..........

The guy starts to cry like a baby when i see him

[jools]

Hi Matthew
In fact i am probably the only user of this site where i deserve what i got. WRONG! We all just live our lives doing what feels right at the time. There was no bad intent on your part so don't blame yourself. Hindsight's a wonderful thing. None of us would be on this site if we'd had that advantage!
I devoted my energy and love to my wife, i really felt on cloud 9 so in love again like a teenager. I was so glad that i had seen the light. My wife even bragged to her friends and family how happy we were.
I think that's another mistake we all make. Just cos we feel a certain way we assume that our partner's feeling it too...not so! Just because I decided that my relationship with my husband was in need of repair and I was driven to reconnect I assumed that my H would be ready to do the same thing at the same time. It's not that easy.
Maybe your wife was signalling an intention rather than a feeling, hoping that her feelings would follow suit. I mean it would be a bit of a coincidence if her feelings made the 180 degree turn at exactly the same time as yours. It sounds as though she intends to repair the marriage, but maybe it's harder than she thought to break free from this other relationship. Was the perfume a recent aquisition? Do you think that there's still contact between them?
The guy starts to cry like a baby when i see him Under what circumstances do you "see him"? And how the hell do you stop yourself from inflicting serious harm on him?
Jools.
________
Synthetic weed (http://syntheticweed.org)

[matthew]

I am twice the size of this man, i get more satisfaction in letting him always having to look over his shoulder. i got him the sack from his job
( it did help his was seeing the managers fifteen year old daughter)

I also got him thrown out of his girl friends parents house, they did not want someone who was cheating on their gaughter kiving in their house. I made sure they all knew his secrets.

I went round last night and posted the perfume through the door, I then returned an hour later pouring two bottles of bath cream over the drive and threw a black cardigan over his fence.

He knows that one day i will not be able to hold back.

It hurts to think that i am the only one feeling pain every minute of every day,whilst he is smiling.

I also cannot understand why my wife has kept these presents,to me they are souveniers of their time together and i did not want them in our house.To her they mean nothing why can't she understand?

[London]

matthew - how are the counselling sessions going? If I may ask, what "improvements" are you making to yourself so that your wife doesn't have to look at another man? Did you ever realise that perhaps you taking her for granted and letting communications slip between you two led to the affair? You do have a responsibility in this as well. Once you accept your part in it, you'll be able to work with her to get passed things.

[jools]

Maybe you should have just poured the perfume down his neck and shoved the black cardigan up his backside!
Jools. X
PS) Still trying to work out what to do with the bath foam...answers on a postcard!
________
Nexium Side Effect (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/nexium/)

[caitlin]

Matthew it sounds to me that your wife does want to try and mend your marriage and between you youcan make it work. I dont believe that you deserved it - noone deserves to go through the pain of a betrayal. You admit you werent giving your wife the attention she deserved now that you realise that you can work on it. You both realise how much you love each other and are making the effort. It will take time but i think youll both be ok. Best of luck Caitlin

[matthew]

I have had a complete relapse this week, i was doing fine but now i am completely down.

Is it bad that i am feeling sorry for myself and not being positive.

It has been ten weeks since i found out should i expect to feel better yet .. HELP