Help

[hoxton]

I have always had proberlems with trusting my husband he is a D.J and since I fell pregnant with my youngest we have three sons he has 6 kids. over the years i have found text messages but nothing major. till last year he had a sexual text and he said he thought it was me trying to catch him out ? then six months later on the day we came home from our lovely family holiday another one saying 2 hours to go to the same number i was gob smacked. he said someone just said are you in the pub tonight.... He promised he would not ever reply again and would show me anything. Then in dec he paid for me to go away for the weekend I came back and found a tape and he says he was making a film for me but deleted it cos it never came out properly. I couldnt see anything but I heard voices and the other voice wasnt mine. He says it was someone on the speaker phone a couple he met on the net. I was heart broken he said he was sorry and would never do it again. Wed evening I found him with a mob not his usual one and it was full with that womans number on it he would not let me see the messages and deleted them. the next day i managed to see some pics and they were of her I am sure and a couple of him there were more but he smashed the phone. He says he has told her he loves me and will not be calling her ever again. and that it was just phone stuff. He doesnt think he has been unfaithfull to me and doesnt understand why I am like this. I love him so much and want it to work but how.

[Kimberley]

Hi Hoxton


Sorry to read about your problem - I joined two weeks ago after finding texts on my husband phone from his boss' wife saying she loved him. He was quick to ensure that the whole of the outbox was deleted and it makes you think as in your situation when he smashed his phone what else was there on it.

I personally feel that mobiles are very personal and it is an invasion of privacy checking others messages but when you get a feeling you just know which we have in common.

I have left it that he says its over and I have agreed not to check his phone or check up on him (very hard) and Ive managed too not peek for a week but he has thrown it at me telling me to look if you dont believe me but whats the point in looking when you have the evidence and the delete button is very easy to use.

Keep your chin up and look after yourself and your children and take it a day at a time - if he is still at it - it will continue if he isnt it will get better - try and weather the storm if you feel you still love him. I expect it is very difficult to keep tabs on him anyway if he is a DJ with the anti social hours.

I know what you are going through and my thoughts are with you. It has helped me just knowing there are others who wish to help.

Kimberley

[hoxton]

Thank Kimberley.
I am trying. But I cant sleep at night and I know this might be strange but I can not get the thought of him wanting her and not me. I have tried to be a good wife to him. He say's we will start a new from now. I am praying that he will stay away from her because i cant bear the thought of being second best. I dont even know how I found this site I was looking for counciling and just stumbled across it and I am so glad to read other people feel the same as me. thanks x

[Lovey]

If he doesn't want to change and does not see that he has been unfaithful (He has) then he is going to continue to do whatever he wants. How to work it out? Go into therapy with him.

[hoxton]

He says he knows what he has done was wrong and he knew how hurt i would be but it started out flirting texts and now they are friends and they chat on the phone. He said he was gonna stop calling her because we have been getting on really well lately. But what scares me is I know him and he is very kinky and likes kinky sex which is ok sometimes but not all the time and to think he is sharing that side of himself with someone else even if it is over the phone is killing me.
what is wrong with making love and cuddling. he is always looking at porn on the net and i feel that the only way i will keep him is by being a porn queen in the bedroom. And with how I feel at the moment I just cant do it. no one would beleive he could be unfaithfull to me I am 32 and everyone who knows me said what did you see in him you are georgous slim and young why would you want an old man like that. But he made me laugh and has always made me feel special. I know he loves me but he just likes the thrill of others. he would love me to do swinging or get into fetishes but its not me why cant i be enough for him.

[London]

Hoxton a lot of your woes are brought on by the fact that you know all that about him and what he wants - kinky sex, swinging, porn, etc.... yet you chose to be with him. Now you are complaining and trying to change him?

Guess what, that ain't gonna happen - so your choices are that you find someone else who you will be happy with just "making love and cuddling" or you find some mechanism to deal with and accept what he already is. By trying to change the guy into something he's not, you are effectively trying to do to him what you don;t want him doing to you.

[hoxton]

That's not true
He was not into all that when we met, this has only come about in the last coulple of years.
I dont think he should change or that I should have to change there should always be some middle ground. I have no problem with kinky sex but everything in moderation. And maybe if he built up the trust in me we could get some of that back. I just feel anything sexual over the phone or sending pics should be to me and not to anyone else. I never married a nympho he was always happy with just us. I dont know when that changed. He says he is more than happy with us and it hasnt been sexual with her I am saying that I feel that i have to be like that to keep him.

[London]

That's not true
He was not into all that when we met, this has only come about in the last coulple of years.
I dont think he should change or that I should have to change there should always be some middle ground. I have no problem with kinky sex but everything in moderation. And maybe if he built up the trust in me we could get some of that back. I just feel anything sexual over the phone or sending pics should be to me and not to anyone else. I never married a nympho he was always happy with just us. I dont know when that changed. He says he is more than happy with us and it hasnt been sexual with her I am saying that I feel that i have to be like that to keep him.

Okay -my apologies for misreading. However, people don't just develop sexual tendencies and a need for "excitement" over night. I would imagine he's had that urge before... do you know why he left the other relationships where he has kids? I suspect this man gets bored really quickly and doesn't really think about long term consequences.

I'm unclear on one thing - does he have 6 children in total (3 previous and 3 with you) or does he have 9 (6 previous and 3 with you)?

[hoxton]

three by other women and three with me.
your right I think it must of been in him all the time. He was with one of his daughters mother 12 years so he does do long term.
I dont know what to think any more I want to beleive him but then another side of me thinks no matter what I do he is gonna cheat he has done it to his previous women.
has it been an accident waiting to happen. ?

[London]

three by other women and three with me.
your right I think it must of been in him all the time. He was with one of his daughters mother 12 years so he does do long term.
I dont know what to think any more I want to beleive him but then another side of me thinks no matter what I do he is gonna cheat he has done it to his previous women.
has it been an accident waiting to happen. ?

and that's exactly my point.... he's had kids with several women and he's "ok" with that. I'm not trying to past judgement, but its clear to me that he doesn't think past the immediate gratification stage and if there are consequences "too bad" is his response. He's cheated on those other women and he's starting on you (my guess is he's already been cheating on you from probably the first month you met).... and odds are, he's been sleeping with other women while you were carrying his babies....

[Lovey]

what is wrong with making love and cuddling. he is always looking at porn on the net and i feel that the only way i will keep him is by being a porn queen in the bedroom. And with how I feel at the moment I just cant do it. no one would beleive he could be unfaithfull to me I am 32 and everyone who knows me said what did you see in him you are georgous slim and young why would you want an old man like that. But he made me laugh and has always made me feel special. I know he loves me but he just likes the thrill of others. he would love me to do swinging or get into fetishes but its not me why cant i be enough for him.

In order for you both to heal and move on from this in any capacity he will have to want to change, and this would mean that he can no longer be 'flirty' or friendly with women in this capacity. It's a good start that he knows it's wrong, but he may not be able to stop the practice of doing it yet. Some people need a wake up call.
Kinky sex. We all have our own versions of what kinky sex is. I agree that there has to be a middle ground. My husband loves anal sex but I don't want to have problems with my anus when I'm in my 60's so I don't like to have him put his penis in all the way (it's too big for that) and he is now happy to put it in partially, or rub it against my anus, or finger me there. I am happy with that as well, but it took us probably a year to get to this point! (That's why he used to watch porn so much, was for the anal!) Anyway.. just want you to know I understand that side of things. I think that being vulnerable, completely open and communicating constantly about how *you* are feeling and trying to understand why he does what he does will help, but truly.. the therapy will help tremendously! I am a therapist and my hubby and I went into therapy. Even though you'd think I could figure things all out on my own, it's easier for me to help others than myself!! ;) Please consider that it might really help you both and make your marriage that much stronger.

[hoxton]

Not sleeping well tonight, never took any sleeping tabblets but had three glasses of red wine. Think I needed it after the few days I have had. Everytime I shut my eyes my brain goes into overdrive and I just cant stop it, I allways loved my sleep and I am so angry that I have not slept through the night properly for three months just as i start to get it together I get another blow. How long does it take to get better I hate waking up in a sweat then crying with images flying around in my head, He says I have to stop torturing myself. But still here I am three oclock in the morning not sleeping. We did talk tonight about going for counciling and he agreed but when I told him it costs around fifty pound an hour he just said HONEY we cant afford that sort of money We will be ok.
I reminded him it was not having anyone to talk to that got us into this mess he said he needed someone to talk to and she was there for him, even that hurts but I know it has been sexual the pics he would not let me see and the messages. It isnt rocket sceince to work out is it, But the fact he keeps insisting it isnt like that and he was going to stop calling her. He doesnt get it's the lies that drive me mad.
He says I have to stop going on about it. Baby is awake I will try and get some more sleep.

[Lovey]

Hi Hoxton,

I know the feeling of thinking... thinking... it's your mind's way of making sense of everything. Does it help to talk it out, even if it has been spoken about already? If so you might want to try to talk about it aloud, even if nobody is home to listen. Also what some find helpful is to write things down. If you can keep a journal about your feelings, you might find it helpful. (I should take my own advice!! lol)

Try Yoga instead of pills, sometimes, or warm milk if you are concerned about taking sleeping pills. The red wine I would probably stay away from when you're upset. It only magnifies things as it's a depressive.

Yes, the lies is all that I hate. He's probably so afraid to lose you that he doesn't want to admit to what he has done. Best thing is the therapy. I sound like a broken record, but when we went, it was a big weight off of our shoulders. I also find that many of my clients feel good after even two sessions. I have found free counselling for many, so if you want to, you can feel free to pm me with your city, and I can get you some websites for free therapy. (Ours was free.)

You can let him know that you don't mean to be 'driving him mad' with going on about it, but it helps you to vent and is very therapeutic, healthy and is what you must do.

[hoxton]

Thank you Lovely that would be great.
Feeling upset again this morning I done something last night and I am not proud of my self.

I went to the pub where my H was working and when I arrived he was talking to a woman who has allways been flirty around him and has followed his karaoke about for five years. Proberbley nothing but he was talking to her on his way back from the loo and I got really angry the pub was packed and he found time to talk to her ( i am so jelous ) I know it's silly but she is really slim with dark hair and the photos I found on his second mob were of a dark haired women who was skinny.
I have allways had a proberlem with the way she flirts around him but it has got better over the last year or so.
I had a few to drink and I have decided that while I feel like this drink is not good for me.
She does not talk to me often just hi untill she is drunk, Well last night she came over and told me she has had a really bad week, and went on to tell me that her husband and her are not getting on and how she confides in her boss at work, I said you should be talking to your husband not your boss or go counciling, She says is a waste of time. which is pretty much my husbands attitude now he is saying we dont need to go. But if he wants to save this marraige then he will.
She asked for a lift home cos her friends had gone and left her and she only lived round the corner we said ok. Then on the journey I was nasty I mentioned something she had told me in the pub and she said no dont say that I said that for your ears only and I said he heard some of it anyway, Then he my H said no i never heard a thing and I gave him a look and he still never backed me up so I said you are a **** really loudly I hate that word and my H does not like being spoken to like that by anyone ( cant blame him )
I then said you know where your going and and the situation got really intense.
He got really angry with me.
I said sorry because I did not say it once I said it three times ouch ! I then went on to tell him not to sing the song Mandy for me ever again he was like what is your proberlem and I said I thought you would of sung a song from you to me not just a song you know I like.
See he cant win, I was really horrible to him.
I am surprised he has not left me because sometimes I am a complete bitch,
I just thought for a min that they were mugging me off and maybe it is her she said to many things that reflected our stuff and why tell me our relationship isnt very good. Mind you she was totally pissed.
I am so scared that my behaviour is going to drive him away but I just could not help myself.
And talking well I can talk for britain I am allways talking and I think he is fed up with listening to me. He looks bored and then shuts his eyes like here we go again I also keep a diary and that does help. I just seem to be a wreck all the time and if I dont pull myself together soon our relationship will be doomed.
I tried to exsplain that I am hurting and my brain is just putting two and two together and coming up with it's own answers it's driving me to do things I dont want to do.
I said as much as I have to try you have to patient with me and help me it's going to take time. But he says there is no reason at all to justify my behaviour and that I am totally out of order.
He thinks that I am soppose to just switch of and forget that just four days ago I found out that he has been deceiving me for a whole year on and off with a skinny dark haired woman. The same woman he said he never even knew back in sept to think that he phones her on the way home from work then comes in gives me a kiss and eats the meal I have just cooked for him. and then when I am at darts he was bringing that phone in our home and sending pics and doing stuff ugh. Even though he still refuses to say it was sexual it's the fact that it wasnt just a once a week thing this had spilled into his every day life and I still feel physicialy sick about it.
Also I am angry because for the last year he has constantly told me it is in my head that I am a nut case. Always telling me I am looking for whats not there.
Not to mention I have had a lot going on in my life the past six months I had cin three and am in the middle of a case that should be going to court soon, And I just feel that all this time he has not been commited to me.
He says stop it now we are starting from now.
But I still hurt so much, How do I control my anger and temper.
any advice would be greatly appreciated.
please can you send me any numbers or email address for the free counciling
I really need to sort this and soon before I lose it any more.
If that's possible.
I dont know how to work all this properly yet it's the first time I have ever done this.
x

[hoxton]

Hi ya,
I was up early this morning before my H went to work, And I asked him weather the time when I cought him with his phone under the bed covers he was sending the photos to her he said at the time he was going to take a rude picture and send it to me I knew at the time he was lieing I guess it was then i knew things were seriously wrong. He said no honey I wasnt please stop doing this to your self,
I said I cant help it because I know he must of had photos of her on there because he deleted everything and would not let me see it was shortly after that he got his second phone. and his normal phone bills have gone down.

He just lies so much. Not that he says he is lying he says if he don't say what I want to hear i acuse him of lying.
The thing is I know I have to sop thinking all these crazy thoughts. And I do beleive he loves me but I just keep thinking I asked him in dec that what ever he was doing just please stop. And what I keep coming back to is if he couldnt stop talking and texting her then what is diferent now.
When I ask him he says because I can I have told her I wont be calling her no more. But I keep thinking that there is more to it.
Does anyone think he can just switch off from her.
He says He loves me I am the one he wants to be with and that she knew that.
I keep thinking about the texts she sent back to me saying how by talking and texting her was what stopped him from leaving me. And that he does love me it's just that I dont understand him, Oh and not to mention that he told her he thought I might be seeing someone. I am assuming he told her this to condone what he was doing because he knew he was wrong.
But since november december or should I say since the last eppisode I have really tried and that's why I feel so hurt I mean I have never been much of a cook and since having the baby and losing all my work which was all within the same two months of getting married things have been hard, But I cook five six times a week have been trying nice recipes even making home made pizzas with the kids. Which is a big acheivement for me.
I also made an effort in the bedroom which is difficult when your insecure and not feeling loved, We started getting a bit kinky again and was having more fun. He told me he was happy and to think we were at a lovely greek resturant on valentines day he bought me a huge big tatty bear roses and chocs, then the next day he was on the phone to her and phoning her most day rips me apart.
He said I am happy I was going to end it with her I told her we were happy now.
Can I belive him ?
I keep driving myself mad.
I am angry hurt and dont know how to deal with it because I want our family to work.
I love him but financialy I would be in trouble without him and that with out my sons skating which my H pays for.

[Kimberley]

hi Hoxton


Sorry to hear your latest posting - having the same issues myself with regards to trust with H. Said last week would not check phone - but found myself doing so at the weekend - same situation everything has been deleted and he does not have an itemised bill - handy.

I to have been trying in the bedroom department but the problem is I keep getting this picture in my head of her - is she prettier than me, does she have nicer hair, breasts etc. etc. I think if you are the same as me on this point it does almost consume you when you desperately need to move on and try to make it work.

I noted on one of the other boards yesterday a gentleman had posted about his wife's affair 20 years ago and how it brought them closer together and he has forgiven her but still hasnt completely forgotten but just tries to focus on the good things in the marriage. I think perhaps thats what we both need to do.

Hope this has been of help - I do totally understand and you are not alone out there - it is very upsetting to have your world turned upside down I feel sick most of the time but try to keep strong for the sake of yourself and your children.

Thinking of you and take time and try not to snoop too much as it can drive them further away - I know I have problems especially after a wine or too when your whole opinion comes flooding out.

My H has also tried to put the blame at my door - I think it makes them feel better and deal with the guilt - it is not your fault and it is not mine.

Take care and try and get new thoughts on other things it has helped me - I have been to see friends, gone to the gym, a drive even short things but enough to make me feel that the world isnt just about him.

Kimberley X

[hoxton]

Thank Kimberley,
Your right it is consuming me, What does she have I dont and constantly thinking is he thinking of her.

But your right I have to try I am going to take my little boy playgroup then go to the gym.
I am going darts later and I am worried part of me thinks just go and dont think about it but the other part of me wants to not go or go and leave early and come back and see what he is up to.
I know I wont but I have the urge to.
Thank you It is really good to know someone else has the same thoughts and feelings as me.
I keep wanting to phone her or text her ( I have her number ) kept it since last year.
The coward wont speak to me Bitch.
but she will text I want to ask if she has spoken to him. but what if she then phones and tells him I have been on the phone.
Then they would be talking again.
I wont do it just a few of the things going on in my head.
I want to kill her just for the cheek of implying that by talking and texting sex stuff has kept my marrage together. I know he is the one who deceived me but last year she said she never knew he was married and that she would not text him again.
but she has continued it as well.
get so angry when I think about it.
going to try and stop thinking about it now.
thanks
Amanda X

[Kimberley]

Hi Amanda


I know just what you mean - I drove to OW house at 5.30 in the morning and sat outside in the drive just looking at the house wanting her to feel uncomfortable - nothing happened and I went home - I wanted to spray her car with BITCH and put a brick through her windscreen but didnt. I feel angry with her like you and really with should be angry with our Husbands they have done it to us, the OW has no duty to make us happy but they do.

I know she waits every day to see what I will do - and actually I get a big kick out of that because the worry of what if is actually worse than suffering the humilation she deserves. Also I dont think I would like prison food and as I am a lawyer I would lose my job because of a criminal record and they so arent worth it.

Dont bother calling or texting her or seeking out details - it only hurts more - I know the more I know the worse the details in my head are and I wish I hadnt asked. He is going to continue or he is not this is what I have resigned myself too also. I am trying to smile again and carry on - lets face it a screaming, crying train wreck is always what every man whats to stay with. I am putting a brave face on to make the home happy again and for my children but also for me. I have no guarantee he wont continue or do it again and neither do you but at least you can give it your best shot.

Everyone has rough days, I too had one at the weekend over a CD in his car screaming its from her isnt it, isnt it? So they will have to go with the flow and put up with it - take it a day at a time and I hope you also have new thoughts to get you through the day.

Kimberley X

[London]

Kimberley - you know you are wasting your time by stalking the OW. It's your H that deserves your wrath. Quite frankly, the OW and your H have you exactly where they want you.... paranoid and full of mis-directed anger. The onky person really left uncomfortable in all of this is you. Its just not worth it. Is this really how you want to live your life?

[hoxton]

London,
I am sure Kimberley and Myself will look back and think god why did I do that,
But you are forgeting one thing this is all still very raw,
I dont doubt for one min that you are right and know what your saying is a lot of truth but you seem to have no tact at all.

As much as you are a realist and are just trying to help by giving us a reality check when your hurting and have loads of crap going on in your head you do things that are not rational.
you want people to listen understand and try to advise you,
it's nice to know people have been through simlar.

Its good that you never done anything than sit in your car kimberley,
But I completely understand when your hurting you just want to hurt them the way they have hurt you.
I am sure it will get better for us both.

No offence London.
But try and be a bit nicer.
Amanda

[Helen]

I have to say there is something that makes us all behave irrationally when we find out that our mate has cheated and thrown away not only us but the children as well. Some may say 'not the kids'. But the fact is, your mate has put the comfort of being at home with you AND the kids at risk when they cheat...

I have felt homicidal towards my husband's tart. Even though I am now divorced, if I bumped into her on the street tomorrow, I cannot swear that I would not attack her - for breaking up my home, destroying a 20 year relationship and for the Hell I am still experiencing. I haven't though.

My first impulse was to go to her house. I really wanted to kick her teeth in because she was my brother's wife. But I haven't. There is no point. The person to give the kicking is your spouse. Not the person who they cheated with. They have their own can of worms to deal with because, in my case, my brother found out at the same time I did that his woman was a bike. Well, he found out when she called the police to evict him - after he spent £20k turning their home into something special...

The thing that hurts me most is my husband didn't just reject me. He rejected our lovely, sweet son too. It burns me. It fills me with fury. But I know, despite that, that he does not give a damn. His relationship with this trollop comes first. And like Kimberley says, I have a responsible job and do not fancy seeing the inside of a jail cell. So my fantasies of kicking her teeth in (for hurting me and my brother AND my son) are relegated to fantasy...for the moment...


Helen

[London]

London,
I am sure Kimberley and Myself will look back and think god why did I do that,
But you are forgeting one thing this is all still very raw,
I dont doubt for one min that you are right and know what your saying is a lot of truth but you seem to have no tact at all.


No offence London.
But try and be a bit nicer.
Amanda

Amanda - I didn't say anything rude or point fingers to say anyone is wrong. I just pointed out that it's not worth it. As far as not having any "tact" - again, i wasn't coddling or trying to pussyfoot around things - i said what had to be said - but I didn't say anything that i can see caused harm.

I've noticed that you seem to like the coddling and sugar-coated responses. Too bad. I'm not about to do that. Please ignore my responses to you in the future then and leave the responses I give to others for them to comment on.

you want people to listen understand and try to advise you,


which is what i have done and doing - but you are too ignorant to see past what you want to see! get over it.

[hoxton]

London,
In that case I suggest you give advice to others on there thread and not mine.

And I dont think for one min that I need things ( sugar coated )
It's just when people are hurting the last thing they want to hear is that your man has proberley been shagging someone while you was pregnant with all his babies.
as you said to me on my first day of posting ( read back ) which I might add was upsetting, And as if you havnt got enough going on your head than to start questioning what he was up to 13 12 and 3 years ago. So yes I do think that was offensive O.K

You only know what I have put down. And as far as I am awear our marrage has only been bad for the last year or so.
You do not know enough about me or my H and just because he has other children and has cheated on one ex does not mean he was shagging other women while I was pregnant with his sons.

As I said previously NO offence but it does not hurt to try and be a bit nicer,

OH and as far as ignorant goes, I dont think I am ignorant I just think when you have done all you can do if it still doesnt work then you walk away but you owe it to yourself and your children to try.

you dont even seem to want to see any good in any relationship so you can rest assure I will deffinately be ignoring anything else you have to say.

[London]

London,
It's just when people are hurting the last thing they want to hear is that your man has proberley been shagging someone while you was pregnant with all his babies.
as you said to me on my first day of posting ( read back ) which I might add was upsetting, And as if you havnt got enough going on your head than to start questioning what he was up to 13 12 and 3 years ago. So yes I do think that was offensive O.K
That's precisely why i said it - becuase you didn't want to think about it. Face it hoxton - your H DID THE SAME thing back then to another woman - what makes you think he wasn't cheating on you those times. I highlighted it because you don't want to make the connection.
You only know what I have put down. And as far as I am awear our marrage has only been bad for the last year or so.
Obviously...

You do not know enough about me or my H and just because he has other children and has cheated on one ex does not mean he was shagging other women while I was pregnant with his sons.
Of course it doesn't.........

but according to you, he is "close" to cheating on you (but then again, only because he cheated on the mothers of his other children doesn't mean he'll do it to you..... but then there'd be nothing to be writing here about...)


As I said previously NO offence but it does not hurt to try and be a bit nicer,

Actually, you said above you WERE offended - I am being nice - I'm giving you some honest to george things to think about. You're in a state where you pray to god that everything is good and nothing has happened. I hope for your sake as well. But that doesn't mean you can't open your eyes and question the events of the past and compare them to the present.

It just occurred to me - were you the woman he cheated with on the previous time? If not, how did he explain it to you? What did you think at the time?

OH and as far as ignorant goes, I dont think I am ignorant I just think when you have done all you can do if it still doesnt work then you walk away but you owe it to yourself and your children to try.
Yes you do - and I agree. But you also have to look at and analyse ALL the evidence and all the benefits of carrying on with this man. You shouldn't sweep things under the rug at this point. You've already done that before. Nevertheless, I am sure he loves you and the children very much - all 6 of his children.

you dont even seem to want to see any good in any relationship so you can rest assure I will deffinately be ignoring anything else you have to say.
I happen to see the good in everything - but i am also a realist. I will question things inside - and hope that things aren't bad. And things work out - they always do. And sometimes they take longer... but they work out.

But Hoxton - actually YOU don't know anything about ME to make such a statement. I didn't come to you for advice. But if you want to ignore what I say - fine. The truth is however, you haven't ignored what i said! Hurt and offense not withstanding - (and that wasn't my intent), clearly you have been thinking about what I said at some level. You can suppress your own intuition if you want - but ignore it you can't - just like the words you've already read on these pages. Good luck!



ps: I am sorry you felt hurt and offended by my harsh words. Sometimes, they are necessary to make a point.

[hoxton]

LONDON,
You are right I did listen to what you had to say, and at a time when you are all over the place and are feeling so hurt and betrayed to be told QUOTE ODD'S ARE HE WAS PROBERLEY SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN WHILE YOU WAS CARRYING HIS BABIES...........

I dont think that is being a realist you are just making someone think about something that may or may not of happened. years and years ago.

We have to deal with the facts and that is not burying my head in the sand,
You cant beat yourself up with the what if's How can you make your relationship work if you are gonna start thinking ..........He was unafaithfull when I was pregnant or He has been unfaithfull all the way through our relationship.


Also I was never the other woman and nor would I ever be with a man that was living married to or attatched to another woman.

He was with his ex 12 years, They went through a bad patch and she stayed out one weekend but the short of it was She was with another guy, They tried but it was no good he found someone else, and left but it was not a long standing affair behind her back,

Anyway I am not sticking up for him. I know what he is like. I know he is a flirt.



And in my view he was unfaithfull he DECEIVED ME WENT BEHIND MY BACK GOT ANOTHER MOB AND WAS SPEAKING AND TEXTING THIS WOMAN ON A DAILY BASIS EVEN THOUGH IN THE END IT WAS MORE TALKING THAN SEXUAL. Not that that makes it any easier.

Any man who want's to risk losing a loving wife and children, Is a FOOL.

But you are right I dont know anything about you to make judgement on you, I am sorry.

Amanda.

[London]

And in my view he was unfaithfull he DECEIVED ME WENT BEHIND MY BACK GOT ANOTHER MOB AND WAS SPEAKING AND TEXTING THIS WOMAN ON A DAILY BASIS EVEN THOUGH IN THE END IT WAS MORE TALKING THAN SEXUAL. Not that that makes it any easier.

Okay Amanda - we're over the "hostilities". What I wrote is really a tie in to your H's past actions. He did cheat on his ex and I was suggesting that he has it in him to do that when the going gets tough. Your above quote underlines that possibility. The "facts" as you have presented to you seems to indicate that there has not been any physical/sexual relationship between your H and the OW. Are you 100% convinced of that? (notice I didn't say are you 100% "sure"). How is he re-acting to you these days?

[Kimberley]

Hi Hoxton, London and Helen


I too was taken a back by the frankness of London on my own thread but I have to say he was right.

Just a side note - had first wedding anniversary - nice card, flowers beautiful expensive meal all delightful - then oh dear I let myself down had far too much too drink and said I knew he was only acting and putting on a show so that I would stay and pay the mortgage and that he never really loved me and do you know what he said I was absolutely right and as soon as I leave and get out of his hair (he hasnt got any by the way) the better and he would even pay me to go. He told to leave NOW but at 3am with two children, pets etc. bit unlikely. I went to bed after calling him a lying cheating bar steward for good measure and saying that I will divorce him, name her and have her served with it at work - I was really, really angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to bed - two hours later he comes to bed and tries it on with me - he really is unbelievable - I told him to F~~~ OFF and I didnt want to catch anything any way - and left for the sofa. Didnt say much this morning he is in bed looking terrified of the mad woman.

Called me out of some kind of curtesy this morning very business like and comlpained he was tired (shame) and no sorry etc etc. Im sure I said more but cant remember exact details all a bit fuzzy!!

I actually feel better for it (although still hungover). Dont know the way forward now but had my answer and London was right all along once a cheater always a cheater.

Hope your day is going better Amanda sorry to waffle on.

Kimberley XX

[London]

I actually feel better for it (although still hungover). Dont know the way forward now but had my answer and London was right all along once a cheater always a cheater.

Kimberely - thanks for your support on this. But you know in a way, I wish that being "right" on these kind of matters meant that being hurt wasn't part and parcel of the situation.

I am also in a way, glad to read that you have your answers to move forward now. It's unfortunate that your H had to say what he did on what should have been a special night! Some guys are just jerks......

[hoxton]

Hello everyone.
I am feeling stronger this afternoon and I have decided that I am going to try with my husband, but more importantly I am going to work on myself. Since my cleaning company went down the pan and I had the baby and got married all within two months I have been completely reliant on my H and am in so much debt, I think that is why it as all hit me so hard.
Anyway I have sent off for a prospectous ( spelling is a bit dodgy ) to go back to college I do not want to go back to cleaning. I am going to get a trade behind me to help make me more independent. I am also as soon as I am finished here going to get in touch with the national debt people to see if they can help me.

I think I need to start thinking about me and my kids.
If he leaves me......
Or more to the point if I dont start feeling better soon. He is out I just need to feel I will survive without him.
I do love him and want it to work, But I am not prepared to Keep hurting like this eitha.

Thats how I feel today, Lets just hope I stay feeling this way.

London I know your words hold a lot of truth maybe I just did not want to face it. Still not sure I can.

KIMBERLEY
I am glad you are feeling stronger. He really is a grade A *****..
Thanks for your comments guys, it all helps.

AMANDA x.x.x

[hoxton]

London,
forgot to answer your question No I dont know if he has ever had sex with her and I doubt very much I will ever know.
It's just weather or not I can put it behind me.

I will try but I have a habbit of just snapping, he knows that more than anyone so more fool him,

If I do leave him it will be his own sorry fault.

Amanda.

[Helen]

Just a side note - had first wedding anniversary - nice card, flowers beautiful expensive meal all delightful - then oh dear I let myself down had far too much too drink and said I knew he was only acting and putting on a show so that I would stay and pay the mortgage and that he never really loved me and do you know what he said I was absolutely right and as soon as I leave and get out of his hair (he hasnt got any by the way) the better and he would even pay me to go.I wouldn't say you let yourself down at all! At least you know the truth now. The man is a hustler. A USER. I am sure you have learned some very important lessons from this marriage so it wasn't a total waste of time. The man has got some brass neck, that's for sure...

Have you spoken to colleagues about where you stand with the house, etc?


Helen

[jools]

Kimberley said in an earlier post that her user of an H was desperate that she wouldn't "ruin his reputation". Well if you read this Kimberley, PLEASE tell me that when you leave him you'll cause him as much public humiliation as possible. Like, tell his work mates that you couldn't accept him dressing up in your underwear....or just tell the truth (that's bad enough!). Just promise that you'll make that heap of pond life SUFFER AND SQUIRM!!!! (not very Christian of me, I know).
Jools XX
________
What kind of boat dexter (http://www.tv-gossip.com/dexter/22690-what-kind-toilet-paper-does-dexter-morgan-use.html)

[hoxton]

HI EVERYONE.

Quick up date, I feel a lot better and stronger today. (no tears)
We had a chat last night and I told my H that I have not been happy and have felt that things have been wrong between us for about a year or so,
We are going to try and give it a go, our first counciling session is on monday....
But more importantly I told him I am over the shock of it and I am prepared to be on my own with our kids. If things dont change then it is over. I feel like I have regained my strength again. I told him if he doesnt really want this then he has to leave because I am not prepared to live like this anymore. I am not scared anymore, I love him but if he wants our marraige to work then he has to make me feel special again, we need to make eachother feel important,
So I hope it will be a happy ending but if there is one more incedent be it a text a phone call picture or anything then it will be over and at least I will know I done all I could and that he was the one who threw our marraige away.

Amanda x.x.x

[hoxton]

Hi,
Can someone give me some advice or tips on keeping my eratic behaviour in check.
Me and my H are trying to make things work, and he is being really nice to me and we have been out a couple of times this past week, but, I know I have to move on and stop dwelling on the past it's just that I still keep getting upset and angry I am keeping the way I feel from my H because We are meant to be trying to sort things out and it is not going to work if I fall to pieces everytime he get's home from work because I have had a bad day. but my emotions are still all over the place,
Whenever we talk about HER he just say's honey I have told you I will not call or talk to her ever again. He doesnt seem to understand that it is the fact he had maintained a relationship with someone else for a year or so. She knows all about me and my kids and that really hurts.
And all them times he said he was happy with us he was calling her, So how can I trust him now ? I am scared of being hurt again. I know I have to put it behind me and god knows I am trying, I do want to be with him,
Does anyone have any tips on how they managed to move on.
I dont know what to do for the best.

Amanda.

[Kimberley]

Hi Amanda


Hope you are feeling a bit happier - I know it is difficult and in some respects we are in the same boat. Just try and concentrate on the fact that you still love your husband and you have history together as well as a home and children. It will just be taking each day at a time I know it seems to change daily for me as well. If you feel emotional just go with it until you feel better. He must surely expect some kind of reaction.

Good luck and leave me a message on the board if you ever want to get it off your chest.

Kimberley
X

[AlwaysGreen]

Hoxton. I'm really sorry to ask this unless I have just read something wrong, but I have spent lots of last night on here just reading through posts because I couldn't sleep (family worries) and noticed a strange thing in a post you wrote to a guy matthew. In your own thread you say all three of your children are you husbands the eldest 12. but in your post to Matthew you say you have only been with your husband for 9 years and married for 3. I am a bit confused. No doubt it is a typing error, but it does make things seem different.

[hoxton]

AlwaysGreen,

No my slip up,

In actual fact my H has raised my eldest two boys since they were 1 and 2 yrs old and has adopted them they know he never made them but he is there dad and he does not like anyone knowing so we have always said been together 13 yrs but in actual fact it is 9,
years. There that is the truth, I soppose that is why all of this hurt me so much.

Amanda x

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Again Hoxton.
Well, I commend your husband for taking on two little boys and sucessfully raising them as his own. To go forward with adoption is a wonderful step. I have to admit, sometimes it is really hard to understand the typing on here properly, that is why I asked.
Anyway, I read your post on Kimberleys thread. Sounds like a positive day with regards to your sons schooling problems. Lets hope things progress forward in an easy fashion now.
Good luck tomorrow. No doubt if all goes well, you will have a celebratory drink. Don't forget to post here to let us know.
Fingers crossed.
Cathy x

[hoxton]

Hello there,

I have just got back from court and I am pleased to say the man that abused me and my cousins when we were little has just been sentanced to eight years in jail,

Restores your faith in the justice system,

Been a good week all in all for me,
Maybe now everything else will fall into place,

Take care

Amanda x

[AlwaysGreen]

That is great news Hoxton.
It helps to prove that people DO get their come-upance.
Have a good afternoon and weekend.

x

[Kimberley]

Hi Amanda


Glad you can now put this behind you. Things certainly seem to be on the up.
X

[blessing]

Hi Hoxton


I understand what you are going through. My H used to sit for an hour every night sending texts to someone but if i asked who he'd b like why cant i ever do something withought u enquiring and he would go out on the balcony with certain calls and while i agree that every deserves privacy It was his natural unwillingness not to answer me straight up that made me suspicios in the first place, I mean i would of thought that if there is absolutely nothing to hide why not just say,
why get all defensive or try to make me feel guilty by saying i,m too nosey. Surley if a man is concerened about his wifes feelings or how his actions might affect her then why not be open. If it were the other way round that you were sending texts to someone and you H wanted to know or was over botherd wouldnt you just say yea i,m just texing so and so. or even if he felt the need to look through your phone wouldnt you just let him look if thats what he need to do to feel satisfied. or would you add to his concern by being even more secretive.

The reason you cant sleep at night is because there are so many questions you have asked that you are simply not getting the answers for thats totally natural and i would be the same. If you continue to feel that you cant get any honest answers from him you will grow bitter and angry and do all kind of stange behavior and he will say you are acting strange but the reason this is is because he is not being man enough to tell you the truth one way or the other he is being selfish.

There is a serious communication problem between you both try and replace your desire to be angry to asertiveness. dont get me wrong I am not saying this is your fault because if he avoids all of you questions and tries to turn it around as if you were the problem you wont be able to communicate because he simply sees his wants more important than listening to your questions and reasoning so right ther you will have the break down of trust companionship etc.
I think you should try to remain the innocent party by not giving him any reason to complain about you like calling him names, be the honest adult and control your feelings i know it really hurts but trust me it will work out in your favour as he wont be able to blame you for his wrong doing.

Sometimes we spend so long in an dishonest relationship that we forget what a honest relationship should feel like.


Regards

Blessing

[blessing]

Hi again Hoxton


It is a good thing that you have decided to put your feelings aside as hard as it is to do it but I will say that if these feelings are not delt with or if you are not able to have the niggling questions answered all the negative emotion may re visit you in the future with avengence. I say that to say if you can get holg of some outside help (therepy or councelling) it may be positive for the future of your relationship.

What ever you decide I will also say that your Hubby needs to learn how to appreciate how you really feel cos I dont think it is fare on anyone to have to hide there feelings to save face. If you feel uncofortable or scared of what damage you may cause by expressing your concerns and feelings this urgently needs to be adressed you need to have a healthy flow of minds between the two of you after all you are not the only one who is resposible for holding the relationship together.

I am really happy for you that he seems to be coming round but do not brush any dirt under the carpet it needs to be delt with b4 you can move on properly.

Blessing

[hoxton]

Thanks Blessing,

I try to speak to my H and even though I know he does not tell me the truth it has boiled down to the fact of can I live with him knowing that he will not be honest about that situation or not, I love my H and my kids so I am giving it my best shot.

I know that one day I may wake up and want out because I know that him not being honest with me is a big problem,

But I beleive he thinks if he tells me the truth it will just start everything up again and I may leave him, he just want's to let sleeping dogs lie,

thanks. x

[AlwaysGreen]

Hello Hoxton.
I came back to your thread so that I didn't impose on Amandas.
I read your advice to Amanda5500, and have to agree with you. I But it does make me Q you and your husbands situation. Re-reading your thread and posts, I get the impression that things started to go wrong between your husband and yourself after you had your baby. Is there any chance your husband was feeling the same as Amanda. I pushed my husband away after the birth of mine. Not deliberatley. I don't even think I realised I was doing it. I was so focused on the baby and giving the baby 100% that I neglected my husband. He found a lot of solace in the comapny of friends. He also spoke to women. I don't begrudge him this. I don't think he could have spoken to me about it. I was half the cause. Maybe he didn't want to damage things more by pointing a finger as it were. I don't think he loved me less because I neglected him. I think he just needed someone to understand. Maybe this was the same for your husband. We came out of it the other end and are fine. As fine as I reckon we are gonna be. And We are happy. most of the time. We have problems, but my thread says that.
What I am saying is , My husband still likes talking to women and I don't care. They are only people. I don't feel threatened by it. They like talking with him, and he enjoys talking with them. I am sure there is an odd bit of flirtatious inuendo in there too, but I don't feel threatened because of it. Sometimes it even makes me laugh.

Your husband sounds like a good man. From what you say, he is a good dad ( I agree with Lovely though, he sould not allow any nonsense in front of your children) and he sounds like a good husband. In all your time together, this appears from what you say to be the first time he has "F**cked up". He takes you out to dinner, likes buying you gifts, takes you for walks, sings to you, is trying to reassure you. He sounds like a man who got it wrong, but is trying to make it right.
He might have felt so out of place when you had the baby that he turned to someone for support. Maybe he didn't know how to tell you because he just didn't know how. But, as you said in a post to someone else, your baby is nearly three, and that is the longest he has stayed before. So look at that as a plus. work on that.
As you said to Amanda5500, it takes two to make things go wrong. If in your case it was the baby bit, and now that part has past, then hopefully things will start to get good again.

And I agree, take it easy at the gym. My sister damaged herself from exercise abuse and it took her back ages to recover. She was advised to go to the gym no more than 3 times a week and to go swimming any other time she felt the need. Have you tried swimming. It is fantastic exercise using most of the major body muscles and helps immensly to toning and physical well being.
Take care
x

[hoxton]

AlwaysGreen,

Thanks very much for pointing out my H good points and you are right this is the first major fu**up,

And you also hit the nail on the head about the baby bit, My H did not want a baby and long story short my coil came out accidently caught it when I was drunk, but when I went back to doctors to have it put in again I was pregnant......... told him by text cos I knew how upset he would be. We never spoke for a few days then had to move the wedding date because we were getting married abroad and baby was due 1 week after wedding, I then had a hard pregnancy bled loads was up and down the hospital, I also had my own cleaning company and that was going wrong so by the time we got married I had gone from earning 500 quid a week to 0 we had a baby and got married all within three weeks, So things were really hard and that was alot of preasure on him I know that, He then had to go out and get a day job he had only done his band and DJinng in the past few years, And then like you said sex proberley dropped to less than once a week and I soppose was boring for him, ( just had a baby mind ) But I think the main thing was that I used to go to work with him once a week at least my mum baby sat for the elder two boys, But once I had the baby no one would babysit ( my mum dont do babies ) so for the first two years I can count how many times I went out with him on one hand, So yes I do think I had my part to play in it all and I know I was not there for him but because of how he felt about having baby I tried to do a lot on my own, Dont get me wrong he loves him to bits and is always saying I would not get rid of him for anything. But his eldest daughter is 29 and he has been raising kids all his life. ( he should of had the snip ) But he still wont.

As for him being flirtatious Well he was like that when I met him and I dont have a problem most the time it is when women invaid his personal space I get a bit (urgh ) I know he comes home with me and I also know I need to calm down a bit, But It just throws me when I see how popular he is and how they all think they own a piece of him, I have had women tell me ( we go back years ) And trust me it isnt when they are trying to strike a conversation with me it is when they think they are more important than me.............

A lot of the women and girls that talk to him dont even acknoledge me and I find that quite rude and dont know why they treat me like that and it isnt in one pub it is in most that is why I only go where I feel compfortable now, My H swears it is because I look good and intimidate them he says that the blokes are always is that your wife, and by what he says they wish I would fall down a hole, I know I may come across as unaproachable but if they would give me a chance they would see I am normal like them. I dont know.

They gym your right it is a bit mad but I had of saturday but that is cos I done 40 mins cardio in the gym and then done 1hour and 20mins circuit class, (was in pain) on the friday.
But I am also gonna have off today done 30 cardio yesterday and another hour areobics class, so I worked hard I deserve another day off. Like you said I am forcing myself not to go because I dont want to injure my self, I am doing the race for life on june 11th. Swimming I love swimming but this may sound stupid but two reasons my hair is really long sits on my belt and the water really is not good for it, it breaks and gets really knotty I am trying to keep it nice, wont go in a swimming hat any tips appreciated ? and also because I get cold and I hate being cold I swim everyday on holiday am always in the pool with the boys my H calls me his little water baby, but if i am swimming fast I soppose I wont be cold, so I might try,

Thanks again AlwaysGreen you have made me think of a lot of things and you have said many things that are true,

Amanda
X.x.x.x.x

[AlwaysGreen]

Morning Hoxton.
The swimming thing is easy. I also have long hair and I just plait it. If you are worried about damaging it then do what alot of my friends and I do. Have your shower first and put on a good lot of hair conditioner for chlorine. Then go swimming. After, wash your hair like normal and apply a normal amount of conditioner. Your hair will be fine.
If you are doing the race in june, then you need to talk to your trainer about a sensible exercise plan.You haven't been going to the gym long from what you say, and because it is new to you you will certainly be over doing it. Plus, the race you mention is road running so instead of going to the gym so much, maybe you should start jogging around your local area and getting a feel for road running, and find out from your trainer the right trainers for it.
x

[Helen]

Hi Amanda,

I know your husband was displeased about you falling pregnant but it does take two to tango you know! You did your bit - you had a coil. It isn't your fault that it fell out. If your husband is that concerned about preventing procreation he should either have a vasectomy or use a condom. Otherwise he has no room for complaint!

I used to get the same thing with women falling over my husband when he was deejaying. But I used to laugh at them! I knew he wasn't interested in any of them - he used to point to me and tell them I was his wife. Their disappointment was palpable. He was stalked by some woman who would not take no for an answer. He tried to hide it from me but I, with my usual bloodhound skills, found out. She had been sending him filthy texts, telling him what she wanted to do to him. She got his number from his business card. I sent her a reply text asking her what the bleep she thought she was doing sending such filthy messages to my husband? I also said more and my use of cusswords was liberal. He never heard from her again... I am not a jealous person but there are some lines that should not be crossed. Your husband should never allow any woman to touch him under his clothes. That is your territory.

If I were you, I would explain to your husband that when you are sat in the pub and these women are behaving as though you should drop down a deep hole or as though you do not exist, you would appreciate his support. He could show it by ensuring that he introduces you as his wife so that it is clear to these women that he is attached and is therefore unavailable for them to slobber over. If he refuses to do this, then it has to be said, these women appeal to his vanity and he likes the attention they give him. I would try not to let it bother you too much as, like you say, he goes home with you at the end of the day, no matter what he is saying to these women. The other thing you could do is make yourself more appealing to him so he doesn't want to contemplate these other women in any way. There is an article called '7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From the Affair and Stop it NOW!' in the articles area. I know your husband isn't having an affair but there are some useful tips in the article that might help you to influence his behaviour with these women and towards you.

Swimming - I don't swim. It isn't good for our hair either (I am black). But on the rare occasions when I did go swimming, this worked for me. My hair is long too (between my shoulder blades) and before I get in the pool, I slather my hair with henna hair wax. Then I braid it and pin it against my head. After swimming, I rinse out the wax and then wash and condition it in the usual way. Afterwards, I spray it with a leave in conditioner and allow it to air dry (heat will make it break, especially if you have highlights).

Take care,


Helen

[hoxton]

AlwaysGreen and Helen,

Thanks,

I always plat my hair when I go swimming never coated it with condtioner though I will try it. Helen could I use wax on my hair it is highlighted if so where do I buy it ?

I hurt my leg a couple of weeks ago running and I have laid off the running (been using the cross trainer and cycle ) if it is not better or hurts then I will walk it, I walk faster than most women jog anyway,

Helen you are right it does take two I asked him many times to have the snip he will not even consider it....... So your right he still slept with me knowing that we were not using anything we are both adults............

And I am just like you I used to say to him that maybe it was because he never showed them I was important to him that they treated me like I am nothing, He always says honey honestly I dont want you being friends with them anyway, Like you say we used to have a laugh about it, I think he likes me to stay away from all the boozers and does not like mixing his home life with work. Understand that really,

He also gets calls cos his number is all over his cards. and I am always telling him that even though I know you are being friendly these women have blinkers on they really think that you are flirting with them and then you wounder why this even happens ? I know that is what makes him good at his job but like you say there is ground you dont let others go, He says I would never let her put her hand up his shirt, My son said it was where his waist is so It could of been on his jeans but under the shirt, even still he should of pushed the drunken girl away, She was in the pub yesterday she and her friends gave me dirty looks and tried to make me feel uncomfortable, but my H sings to me and made very clear I am his wife and him and my son both sung to me potrait of my love, matt monroe nearly made me cry,

Helen where do I see these articles what is the web address, anything is worth trying hey, sometimes I get fed up trying though I just want to be me, does that make sense I just want to be at home with my kids have my nice life nice husband I dont want all this agrovation,

Thanks again both,

Amanda x

Helen hows the sleeping going I have noticed you are still posting through the night ?

[Helen]

Amanda,

Yes, you can use wax (it's a deep conditioning wax). I believe it's called Henara HennaTreatment Wax and you can buy it in Superdrug for around £3 for a large tub. You should be able to find it with the other hair conditioners. Since you have highlights, it will be especially good for your hair as a general conditioning treatment once a week (shampoo your hair then towel dry, put wax in it so that it is coated, working it into the ends in particular, then wrap your head in a hot, damp towel or put on a shower cap and wrap your head in a towel for 15-30 minutes, then rinse out - voila! Glossy hair!).

Your husband may well not want you to be friends with these women but that is no justification for allowing them to treat you like dirt. He is putting his ego before you but if you can live with it, it is up to you to decide how much you are prepared to put up with. They think he is flirting with them because he is! My ex-husband never used to flirt with the women who were trying to drape themselves over him. He used to rebuff them very firmly.

If you look at the dark green strip on the left hand side of this board, you will see the site name, then 3 headings in yellow. Under the heading marked 'contents' the first one says 'articles'. You can find the articles that I mentioned there on the first page.

Thanks for enquiring after the sleeping patterns! They are a lot better. Since I stopped taking sugar and caffeine, I sleep through the night now but at weekends (Friday and Saturday night) and on the nights before I work at home, I tend to go to bed later - but I nap in the day. So one way or another, I am getting more sleep. If you are still having problems sleeping, think about giving up caffeine and sugar. You will feel knackered at first but then you will get used to it and you will find that you sleep much better as a result.

Take care,


Helen

[hoxton]

Thanks Helen,

I will look out for the wax next time I pass superdrug which will be pretty soon I am sure,

I have just checked out the site and I have seen it before I think I have done most things got into sport healthy lost weight looking good, Still go darts I try and be happy I soppose I could work on that a bit more, I quite often agree with him, But I will keep these all in mind,
Your right about me putting up with it, My H said to me this morning Have you ever thought it may be because you never approach them or even try and be friendly to anyone and I must say all my friends tell me for someone so attractive you also come across very unapproachable ( they say I have a cold look about me )

Helen I will ask because I know you are honest, Just before I left to take my youngest to playgroup I found in one of my H pocket a device for swapping one comp to another He has a laptop and our home pc plus he had a comp at work. I have spent the past couple of hours stressing thought it was best to ask him straight out. He says when he left the other job it was in the top draw so he took it............. He does not know the pass word the hint just says ( the pelvis ) I have tried for the past hour to crack it but no good he says he will also try to crack it I said yeh and by the time you do what ever is on it will be deleted. Just like the text messages See throwing it in his face again, He says if I was gonna hide something from you it would not be in my coat pocket I forgot all about it. He also said come on stop getting your self upset over these little things why didnt you ask me earlier and I would of told you, I have been physicaly ill for the past two hours. Dont know what to think now any suggestions from anyone will be much appreciated, He also said you didnt just come across it you must of been snopping I said yes I was ( could hardly deny it could I ) He is getting down about me checking on him all the time he hasnt blown up at me yet but I can feel it coming,

I am sleeping better I dont nap anymore during the day so I am more tired in the evening, still end up swapping in the night with the baby he gets in our bed and I get out and get in his bed,

Amanda x

[Helen]

Amanda,

I am not surprised you are having difficulty letting this go. You caught your husband in a bald faced lie twice. First, when he dimissed this interaction with this woman as nothing more than friendship, then by continuing whatever he was doing with her after swearing never to contact her again. Now you have your son telling you that some woman (maybe the same woman?) stuck her hand up his shirt - and he did not push her away. Your husband says it never happened yet what reason would your son have to lie? I think it did happen - I think YOU think it happened too - and what is bothering you, as well as her actions, is the fact that your husband only seemed uncomfortable about it because your son was there. Part of you must be wondering if he would have pushed her hand away if your son hadn't been there? You only have his word for it that he would have. Another issue - your husband is so busy telling you to back off and trust him one the one hand whilst flirting with his fan club on the other, it is little wonder you are in a tizzy!

I would try to be less questioning but, at the same time, watch him like a hawk. The man has given you no reason to trust him - yet. That said, at some point, you have to start rebuilding the trust. But he isn't really helping you in that respect. Yes, he sings to you and he comes home with you at night, but the rest of the time, some of his behaviour is highly questionable - not the way a husband should be behaving at all.

Re the password - try Elvis (he used to be known as 'the pelvis') - try lowercase, uppercase and title case (capital at the beginning). Also try abdomen, pubis, sacrum or coccyx. Other than that I give up!

A warning note - only try these passwords if you really want to find out what is on that storage device because if you find more evidence, it will make a bad situation far, far worse...

Take care,


Helen

[hoxton]

Helen thanks

Yes I do want to know if it is bad then it is over right now I dont want to live like this no more, I am ready ( I hope ) anyway I have all of you to support me which i am so greatfull,
I will try them now,


Helen everything you say is so true ( always is ) even when it is something you may not want to think about you just put in on a plate and you cant hide from that, You bring a smile to my face...........

Thank you so much,

Hugs

Amanda x

[hoxton]

Helen

No Joy,

Amanda x

[helenrw200]

Amanda

It's strange but I'm begining to think that your H and my partner are clones ... or at least very closely related !

I decided to use an old mobile I had to drop call him and see what would happen. The next day I received a txt on the phone saying sorry, who are you etc .
I txt back and said caz from leeds,aged 29, sorry must have misdialed, he txt and said hi caz it's ***** from ******** here, aged 38 with a cm phone , tell me about urself etc. This carried on all friday night while he was in work ( 25 txts in all ) he said I was possesive and didn't like him chatting to other women, all the time I was clenching my teeth and sending flirty txts back. I was absoultely livid ! Granted the txts weren't sexual from him, but when I asked did he have a g/f or wife, he said yes I would die for her, so I said does she know ur txting strange girls and that's when he said I was possesive but he just liked to chat, I then said what would she do if she knew u were txting me, and maybe I'd txt him when I thought she was there....... the replies abruptly stopped ! He actually said he'd only said he had a cam phone because he liked to see who he was chatting to, and for them to see him.

So now I know he's still doing it behind my back, and it's this that hurts, no matter that the txts weren't sexual, they were still secret and I hate him for that ecause when I took him back he promised no more secrets.. am I being unreasonable ? He tells me he can't txt me much from work ( too busy ) but then spends 2 hours and 25 txts txting another girl ! Who else is he doing this with ???


Helen

[hoxton]

Helenrw200,

You are not being unreasonable at all, too busy to talk to you but can find enough time to send 25 texts to a complete stranger yeh right !

Your right I also ask my self all the time who else is he doing this with ?
Ok they wernt sexual but day one surely it would of taken a bit longer than that hey. how long would it of taken untill it did turn sexual ?

They have taken our love and trust and thrown it back in our faces, I am trying to make it work but I dont think I could stand the humilation of finding out he is still up to no good be it texting phoneing just mates any of it that will be it,

Amanda x

[helenrw200]

My thoughts exactly ! I'm not sure if the not knowing or the knowing for sure is worse .

I guess if you snoop, and find something then you have to have the strength of your convictions, and act on it and right now I don't feel strong enough.

I think I might, for now , just let him get on with it while I get some courage and some strength,give him enough rope and he may just hang himself anyway.

I thank God we didn't have kids together and that mine are older, I think I'd have a nervous breakdown if I had to go through this and had a young family to care for, I think you're a strong person Amanda.

Hugs

Helen xx

[hoxton]

Helenrw200,

What you have said is so right, my plan is to work on myself and try and get my self strong so that if I have to deal with this again I will be strong enough to leave still not sure if I am yet I have not given up him / us.

I dont think I am strong at all just trying to make the best out of my situation. My kids need him so I am gonna try, but he better not step out of line.

Amanda x

[Lovey]

Amanda, what your H says makes sense regarding the women at the club he works at. The girls are jealous of you because you have him and they want a piece of the action. They don't want to get close to you because they'd then have to admit that he is taken. It's a reality trip they're not ready to make! DJs are always sought after and I can actually see where he might ignore the fact that some chick has her hand on him. He's probably bored of telling them to stop and ignores it? That's a possiblility. He can always learn to change that behaviour to help you to feel more secure. That might be something you can talk with him about? That's so sweet that they sung to you!!
I can see where he wouldn't want to mix business with pleasure. Some men don't.

Helen: I hope you don't mind my popping in on this one. Did you text him recently? That's a shock to you. :( Are you planning on coming clean with him to tell him it was you texting him? I assume you texted him to find out what his reaction was, but hun why put yourself through that?
No, you're not unreasonable. A marriage shouldn't have secrets, but then you now are keeping a secret as well! I can see where he'd be angry that you baited him. I think that it would be easier on you if you didn't do that until you were stronger. Do you know what I mean? We all do these things but they end up hurting ourselves -not the other person. Your goal right now is to get better emotionally, not to make things worse for you. I hope that makes sense. It's intended to be kind and get you to remember that you are #1, you're what matters most! Be good to yourself!

[helenrw200]

I txt him last Friday night. I'ma great believer in intuition, and my intuition was telling me he was up to his old tricks... and he was. I have no intention of telling him it was me, I've always been honest with him, but if he can't give the same back then he can go whistle. Yes it was a shock I guess but do you know ? I think I'm becoming immune to it somewhat , maybe even expecting it ?

Anger is the only emotion he seems capable of showing right now, I get no support from him and he thinks he has a God given right to act as he pleases , he thinks I'm the one who's being " complicated ". I needed to know.... and now I do. Now I have to concentrate on getting me fit and well..... then he may be in for a shock.

Helen

[Lovey]

I believe in intuition as well. Yes, I understand how it can become the norm. :( That's not good. I am sending you a hug. I wish I had something more to say. Good for you for concentrating on you, Helen. You have my support!

[hoxton]

Helen,

I have learned that if there is one piece of advice I could give it would be to not ignore your gut feeling,

Oh and I feel for you I dont know how you are managing to be in the same house with him and not say anything, It must be reallly hard. (you are strong) and you are smart because you now know and you are doing what you need to do getting yourself prepared and ready to be with out him,

I feel for you,

I have decided to take my son to the rink this morning and go for a run and then go swimming I will leave the gym for one more day,

Amanda x

[hoxton]

Hello,

I am posting this morning because I have had a really mixed up weekend and I have been a little bit up and down,

Last week I came home from darts early about 9ish and my H was not expecting me..... when I got in he was in the front room with his lap top and when I looked he had tried to switch of the msn messenger but the little simble was in the corner so I confronted him about it and obviously he does not know how it is there or why and when he brought it up he deleted it of and then spent five mins acting the ideot pretending he did not know the password.................. Upset me a lot I did a lot of shouting and finger pointing and he says he has had enough of me checking on him, I am not one of his kids...... Then when I went to work with him sat night I had a really good time a couple of friends came out with me and at the end of the night he sang to me but he ended the night singing a song by garff brooks and he said as he was putting it on I am singing this because I like it not because anyone has asked me too. It really upset me the song is really deep and it's main lyrics are our love is better left to chance I was livid he knew because I told him last time that it upset me and I know I am more than likely OTT or that is what he tells me. But I told him that I dont understand why he does things he knows will hurt me and that it made me feel like he was singing that song for someone else, It is a beautifull song and I cant explane why it upsets me so much.

The next day I went and met a friend and we went to southend to another friends for a BBQ and had a lovely day but when I got home he had his lap top on again and when I asked why he said because He never turned it off properley in the pub he was just shutting it down...... He wasnt expecting me home that quick......
Then yesterday but basicly I have spent the past week snooping and arriving home early but now I feel like I am appolergizing for the way I am being but I feel like I have been knocked back five spaces. I can feel the tension I feel like I want to cry and dont know how to communicate with him anymore it is like something has to give because if I carry on like this I will end up making him leave me. But he doesnt understand that he is making me insecure and that he has his part to play in it.

I think the problem is I can not shake that gut feeling that he is upto no good. I think he is talking to her or someone on msn and has now started using his laptop instead of our home pc. But I have no proof..

I feel ashamed of myself because I have posted so many times on here that I am ready to deal with things and giving advice on what I think people should do and look at me I am a complete hypocrite.

So I need to learn to take my own advice. Feel really hurt I dont know how to talk to him or even what to say anymore.

Helen or anybody any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Amanda x

[Helen]

Amanda,

I am sorry to hear you are having such a rotten time. I don't think you should be apologising to your husband for checking up on him. His behaviour is suspicious and he is being overly defensive. If he has nothing to hide, why didn't he show you what he was writing in Messenger? That would have done much to alleviate your suspicions - I am sure he knows this. Yet he chose not to. This tells me he was corresponding with someone in a way that was not entirely appropriate.

Do not ignore your instincts. I don't know if his laptop is password protected. If it isn't, depending on how he has his Messenger set up, you can find out what he has been up to. But only check if you really want to know what he has been up to and are prepared to act on what you find. If you are not, best leave well alone. If you do decide you do want to know, come back here and post and I will tell you where to look.


Helen

PS: As for the Garth Brooks song, I am not surprised you were upset! 'Our Love is Best Left to Chance'? Is that a subliminal message for you or a message for someone else?

[helenrw200]

Hi Amanda

I get this all the time, hates being checked up on etc BUT everytime I've checked ( and it isn't often, anyone would think I'm a demon who can't leave his laptop etc alone ! ) I find something. We had a huge row a couple of weeks ago and he ripped the network card out of his laptop saying that should please me as he couldn't access the net now, he also tried to throw away the SIM card from his mobile until I pointed out the contract is actually in my name and therefor not his to destroy. I told him that it's his WANTING to do it that upsets me, and that it was all drama because he would just find another way to do things he shouldn't if he was that way inclined, he doesn't get that at all. I also told him I'm stopping checking up but only because if I find anything else, I'm leaving and at the moment I'm not strong enough to do that, but I'm getting there, that frightened him.

I told him that if I walk out of the door in anger because I found anything else I wouldn't be coming back, and I mean it, enough is enough.

Amanda, your H could so easily have set your mind at rest by showing you what was on messenger, the fact that he didn't and then had a long , complicated reason why he couldn't would make me suspicious too , you can't ignore that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel you're being lied to, at least I know I can't... and somehow I always just KNOW.

I get so angry at times and at others just upset that someone I love so much could do these hurtful things he's broken my trust not once but so many times that I will probably never be able to get it back . He's made me feel guilty for doubting him at times, and then proven ( by my finding things ) that I was right to do so. I just don't get him sometimes, he says he loves me, so what is WRONG with the man ?

I would echo Helen's word of caution though, if you do check up you have to know you would be strong enough to leave , if you're not then there's no point you torturing yourself and you're better off not knowing, I sometimes wish I didn't know anything, I was so happy in my ignorance, and unfortunately, once you do know there's no going back.

Take care Amanda

Love Helen ( rw )

[hoxton]

Thanks both Helens for your replys,

You are both right there is no point in torturing myself if I am not ready to deal with what I might find.

And as you both also know if he had nothing to hide why would he not just show me I know in the pit of my stomach he is doing something that he knows I will not be happy with and I cant ignore it I just feel like it is only a matter of time before I do find proof.

Why do I keep snooping when I am not ready to deal with things I just wish I was stronger,

But my aim is to work on myself and get strong, Hopefully things will get better but in the mean time I need to be working on myself.

Thanks guys for listening to me.

Amanda x

[Lovey]

How are you ladies doing?

It's been so long since I've been here. I've been busy with work and things are going well. (Do I need to knock on wood?!)

Lovey

[hoxton]

Hi Lovey,

I am ok a few bruises but ok, I have not posted for a couple of reasons 1. is that I feel I need to take my own advice before I tell others what I think they should do and 2, my marrige is still the same I think it is getting better.

I went to work with my H on sat and I ended up being attacked by some drunken woman.

The worce part of all is that I tried to protect someone who isnt exactly my friend but I dont like seeing anyone get bullied and then the woman turned on me and I was stone cold sobre I was drinking water as I was driving and it was such a lovely day on sat I was wearing a shortish skirt and sandels my hair was all out not to mention I wear glasses. So I ended up taking a bit of a clump. I wish I was drunk it may not of been so embarassing.

My Husband did run to my defence but the woman would not let go of my hair and by the end of it I had my hair pulled out my glasses broke it was so humilating I have not had a fight since I was in primary school.

Still upset with the land lady because I told her the woman was starting trouble and she should of kicked her out then but she did not my H told them he was not happy.

I wanted to call the police but they chucked her out and it was left at that. So I am now just waiting for my bruises to go down.

My H said to me you should of hit her hard but she was drunk and was like an animal. Anyway I dont go out and plan on fighting so I am not changing. Why should I have to learn to fight It should of been stopped before it got that far.

Never mind it is a nice day today I might go over the park for an hour.

Amanda x

[Lovey]

Oh Amanda, I didn't get a reply notification from the site for a long time so I just saw this. Are you okay? My gosh, you were bruised and attacked from some drunken woman? :(

I detest physical fights but at least you got a few in there! What a crazed woman.

I am sending you a big hug.

Lovey