Trust/Intimacy issues

[Lovey]

Hi,

I'm having issues trusting my husband. Long story (I've posted it here before..) (Just lying, hiding things but no infidelity)

Basics are that because of him hiding things and lying, I have been struggling with trust and intimacy issues. For a while there it seemed like I had conqured much of them, but now I realised I have merely pushed them away.

I had forced myself not to think about it, and to try to trust him, and somewhere along the line I forced myself to stop caring if he did it at all. Deep down I didn't want him doing it or hiding it, and I'd tell myself I didn't give a care anymore. What I've done to myself is to push him away, but it has not been on purpose.

Now that I realise what I've done I don't want to do it anymore! I want us to be able to be intimate with kisses, hugs, making love without my wanting to get away. (this has only been happening in the last few months)When he comes to kiss me I want to walk away, be anywhere but in the moment. I hate this! I just don't know how to change it. It's like I'm trying to push him away in order to protect myself just in case he may someday lie. It's not working! It's not healthy and I am really at my wits end in trying to change it. It seems like I can always help others with thier own issues, but my main issue is more difficult! :P

(I'm a Therapist)

Any advice for how to truly move on would be appreciated. I want to trust him completely and I am deeply in love with him- yes, I believe you can have both. He has destroyed some of what we had but is doing all he can to get it back. He is a wonderful, loving caring man and I want to spend a lifetime with him.

Thanks..

Lovey

[JonPaul]

Lovey>

You said you are a therapist but is he in therapy to solve/change his behavior? It wouldn't hurt him to seek objective help if he hasn't already.
I think you need to explain to him what his behavior does to you and why it causes you to go into shutdown mode to protect yourself and communicate that to him by words and action. Everytime he violates your trust he is diminishing himself as your protector and defender causing you to want to run FROM him and not TO him.
Have you considered letting him know that there will be no intimacy until he proves himself?
Let him know that you are standing by him but the rules of engagement have been altered by his lying and hiding things. Reassure him that as he makes valid positive changes that you will also make changes as well and partner him into being a husband worth trusting...realizing as well that none of us are perfect and we all can work on our own issues together as a couple.
I'm sure he is loving and caring as you say and is trying hard to win you back. There's nothing wrong in forcing him to court you again like he did as a suitor long ago. He needs to understand the hard way that lying and hiding things dramatically impact your feelings for him and could potentially destroy your marriage. I'm sure he's heard the old saying "If you play with fire you WILL get burned".
Use this re-courting time to reestablish mutual respect for each other. Start out by dating and make him earn your affection and intimacy with trust and honesty and you two will discover newness in your relationship. You may rediscover your passion for him in an exciting new way.
I'm not a therapist but I hope this advice is applicable and helpful.:)

[Lovey]

Hi JonPaul, Thank-you so much for your well thought out answer. :) I don't believe you have to be a therapist to give great advice! I'm a Therapist and I can't heal myself, so that's why I'm here!! Thanks again! :)
To answer some questions about my husband: We went into therapy a while back and even long before that he had changed his behaviour completely. He saw that it was ruining our marriage, and he no longer lies or keeps things from me. We do communicate well, in fact just last night we spoke about how I felt lately regarding this. He does know and understand why I have started to pull away, shutdown and only wants to help in any way he can. He hasn't violated my trust in almost a year in fact! :)
I do not believe in witholding sex or putting a stop intimacy in order to prove a point. I value what intimacy we do have and only seek to better it. :) He has tried time and time again to prove himself and there is nothing more he needs to do. The rest is honestly up to me to learn to trust.
I wouldn't ever think of forcing him to do anything, as that's not the nature of our relationship. And, actually he always has courted me and continues to do so.
He does know that he played with fire a few times and got burned really bad. My intentions are not to punish him, as I don't believe in that, nor do I think it will work, but to try to learn to trust, so you can see that really the problem not only is with him but myself.
I really only want to learn to trust, to be able to make love daily again and feel great when he comes to me for kisses, hugs and any sort of touching. I feel that we need to put this behind us, but I can see that for some reason I hold on to it. I know some of my reasons why is because I have such a hard time understanding how someone could change so but if you knew my husband, you'd believe that he has never done anything to intentionally harm me.
We do go out on dates, he gives me flowers and candy, will help me around the house, and such but I seem a little unresponsive as I'm protecting myself. I'm hoping that since I've realised what I'm doing to myself that I'll soon stop!!

[hoxton]

Hi Lovely,
I think your very strong and you speak a lot of sense. I too think that if you start to withhold sex or start putting demands down surely it is only going to make the problem even worce. I wish I was as strong as you My husband is a great husband and dad he works really long hours and still gets up at 5.30 to take our twelve year old to the ice rink ( he is a skater ) We often go for meals and he spoils me. your husband sounds like a good man and your right he has done his bit the rest is up to you, I dont know how you gain the trust back all I can say is in your case when ever you have that feeling of pulling away from him just look at him and i am sure you will see the love he has for you. let him hold you and I am sure the more you do it the easier it will become.
Why dont you go and put your arms round him tell him you love him and that you understand how difficult it must be for him knowing the way you feel. I bet you would make him really happy.
just go for it let down your barrier and try.

[Lovey]

Hoxton, thank you so much for your kind words! I will remember them when I feel as though I am pulling back. I have already told him that I know how hard it is for him, when he has done nothing wrong for so long! He says he'll just wait it out for as long as it takes, because he isn't going anywhere and loves me.

We're very open with one another with our communication. Sometimes it hurts, but it's good to get things out and be vulnerable, I feel.

I really felt that you understood me! That feeling was a kind of relief!!

[Lovey]

Ahh.. it's all bull****. He has still been watching it, although he tells me he is trying not to. I found some and he says he watched it twice, although he still has it (lie) and has two different clips. *rolls eyes dramatically* I give up. I truly do this time. It's enough for me, folks. I refuse to bother to trust him anymore.

This is really embarrassing for me. I truly was starting to trust him. I noticed it quite a bit but now? I'm throwing in the towel. He can watch what the **** he wants, but can't expect our relationship to grow.

Was I stupid for trusting? Stupid for trying so hard? I sure feel that way.

[hoxton]

Hi Lovey,

You was not stupid for trusting him, I know that you feel like a complete mug but you gave your all and that is what you have to do if it is gonna work, He is obviously a fool to risk losing you, It makes me so angry when as if it isnt bad enough that your partner has hurt you but to continue doing something that you know is going to devestate the person you love is awfull, Why if they know they can not give you what you need do they even bother to stay around, They must surely know it is only a matter of time before all the crap hits the fan,

I feel for you

Hugs

Amanda x

[Lovey]

Amanda thank you so much for responding- and undertstanding. I do feel really humiliated, because we had so many talks about trust and intimacy, and how well I was doing, and I had told him several times how guilty I felt when those old doubtful feelings resurfaced. He said nothing... perfect opportunities presented themself to come clean, and I suppose he didn't because he was selfish. He would have been blasted regarding how lies ruin relationships.

I even asked him a few times if he'd felt okay not looking at the porn- to which he replied NO. I stopped reading the Keylogger reports, and felt comfortable with it. Whenever I felt that I couldn't trust him, I checked myself. I told myself that I was foolish, that I believed him and that he wouldn't risk hurting me, hurting us.

I was wrong. I guess that's why I feel stupid. I should know better? I don't get it. After all this, I told him that if we're going to stay together that therapy is needed. I actually looked at appartments in the newspaper today. He tells me he is trying, but in my eyes it should be no contest. I must be searching for something that isn't available in life.



He was even upset by my questioning

[helenrw200]

Lovey

I'm in exactly the same situation, and I know just how you feel.

My partner swore to me he had stopped the porn, he even knew I had a keylogger on the pc,but he hasn't, he still looks. He's done worse , he had a secret SIM card for his mobile which I found and put in my mobile, it was full of txts of a sexual nature that he'd received from some woman. He said he found her on a dating channel on cable TV, had never met her..... yeah yeah yeah whatever. We split up and he begged to come back, swore he'd never hurt me again, told me to check up on him whenever I needed to, told me to put a keylogger on the pc,check his mobile, ring his works to make sure he was there. So I did all that and felt really guilty. 4 weeks later I used a program that undeletes files that have been deleted and guess what ? Yep, porn, dating sites , secret e-mail accounts.

At this point I thought " stuff it ", told him I knew, which he denied and stopped bothering to check, what's the point ? He's not going to stop, and I can't be bothered anymore.

I'm not going to leave, it's as much my house as his if not more, it's down to him. Him being heartbroken and sorry lasted exactly 4 weeks . I think he's an addict, I don't trust him at all, we're both stuck here for financial as well as other reasons, so I no longer want to know. It's his life if he wants to ruin it, that's his call.

Hugs

Helen

[hoxton]

Hi Lovey,

I think your right therapy is deffinatley needed because he obviously loves you but this urge is to strong, Have you asked him about having therapy ? What does he say ?
The worce thing of all is how can they keep breaking your trust and then just expect you to carry on, I still struggle all the time, I have had a bad couple of days again thinking what is he up to is he still calling her Part of me wants to check on him but I want to trust him I am just scared that he is gonna throw it back in my face again, But we have to try dont we.

The only reason your H gets upset with you questioning him is because he knows he has upset you and does not want to deal with it, Guilty partners often attack it makes them feel less guilty about what they have done,

Good luck,

Amanda,

[Lovey]

Hi Helen, I remember reading some of your posts a while ago. I am sorry that this is something you have to deal with. It's worse, too. You're at that point too, where it's like.. are we going to have a real relationship without lies?
I think that it's an addiction, because I know that these men love us, but they somehow just can't or don't want to stop. Amanda, you're so right about why they hide it! It's because they are afraid to talk about it for fear we'll blow up. I blow up. It's freaking annoying. How can I not! I've had times where I haven't blown up but it doesn't help. He is just a liar in my eyes. He actually had the gall to tell me that if we didn't have a computer that he wouldn't be able to watch it! lol Um, right! Then he'd be tempted to turn to magazines or the phone. He blames the computer but I told him that he should blame his lack of self control! They all should!

I give up, but feel that it's at a cost to me, especially. I want sex, intimacy, someone who doesn't lie or cover up. Do I have to give in and try to be okay with this? I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I can, either! I really don't know what to do anymore, but I did ask him to seek therapy alone this time. We went together once, but came to an agreement in two sessions that if I allowed him more anal play he wouldn't need the porn. It was the easiest sessions in the world. I didn't mind that agreement at all because I do like anal play and that's what he watches, not that it helped matters.

This much I know. It has nothing to do with me. I would say that is true for many or most people who watch porn. In my mind I believe this but my heart feels stomped all over.

The big thing is these stupid Keylogger reports, and other programs. We shouldn't have to babysit our men! I've realised that Keylogger cannot giving me what I want. Only he can do that.... if he wants to do it. Otherwise, I am not sure our marriage will survive. I can only take so much, and if I don't get what I want, it'll be easier to find it elsewhere. It's not a threat to him, but I know myself and my needs.

Gosh it feels good to talk to you two.

Amanda, I just asked him again today what he thought about going back to therapy, explaining that I really didn't see things progressing without it.
He said he was fine with it, but will he actually make an appointment on his own again to go? He says the last therapist wasn't very good, because the guy was trying to place blame on me! OMG!!
This will make you laugh! I actually read the Keylogger report after our discussion and argument today (LOL WHY BOTHER!!) and saw that he'd been searching for addictions to porn on the net. He's right now reading something to me from one of the sites. I really hope he is not just doing that because it's what he thinks I want. It won't work if that's the case.

Gosh, I rambled a lot there. Sorry. It's just something that you can't talk to friends about, so I'm in new territory!

[helenrw200]

Hi Lovey

Yep, I've had the " get rid of the pc " comment from my partner too, I simply told him it aint the pc that's doing the damage, it's your lack of self control. He doesn't get that at all, he can't see that I want him to stop because it knows it hurts me, noyt simply because the opportunity is not easily available !

We took out mobile phone contracts in joint names because he wanted me to be able to check his bill then bought another SIM card for his phone , so that proves that if he wants to he will just find a way round it.

I give up, I think he thrives on the thrill of the secrecy of it, he tells me it's just a voyeur thing and means nothing, but that's not the point, I wouldn't do something I know would hurt him, why he can't pay me the same favour and have some respect I just don't know.

Helen

[Lovey]

Coming from intelligent men, I found it comical how they'd actually make that statement. All that meant to me was that they're not giving up. Just like how your husband can get another card. I know we have no control over our spouses, and I don't want any. I think we all just want someone who will respect our relationship. So true that it's all about respect, not the viewing, exactly.

He says I am lucky that he has only watched it twice, that he has maintained that amount of self control. That made me laugh. I'm lucky? I'm lucky that he choses to mess up our relationship less than he could? I don't get it!

[helenrw200]

My partner is fond of telling me that he doesn't like ultimatums, and he values his privacy ( privacy, uh huh yeah ok )

A year or so ago, he discovered I had been chatting to a male friend online ( someone I've never met in person, but whom I've actually been in contact with longer than I've known my partner ), I never made a secret of it, I had lots of online buddies of both sexes. This man and I had only ever been mates, he sent the odd pic of a house he was doing up ( work in progress sort of thing ), on this occasion he sent a pic of his private parts in a file, I told him off, deleted it and told him never to do it again. My partner apparently found it in received files and created merry hell about it, I explained that this man had never done it before and wouldn't do it again ( he was a bit tipsy at the time I think )but my partner insisted I put him on block, which I did and have never spoken to him since.I did it out of respect for his feelings and even tho I hadn't asked for the pic nor did I want it, I felt terrible for hurting my partner.However, in his eyes, what he's done and what I ( apparently ) did amount to the same thing and he therefor has every right to do it.

So he can go on dating sites, pay women to perform sexual acts for him on live porn sites, txt and phone women from a dating channel and God only knows what else because I mistakenly opened what I thought was an innocent file from a friend ?

I've also discovered recently that he's found a way round the keylogger, he simpy visits putfile .com and clicks on porn ( no typing in of sites you see , so the keylogger doesn't record it ), however winundelete programme restores any file that's been deleted, he doesn't know I know, what lengths to go to hey ?

How can this man say he loves me when he has such blatant disregard for my feelings and absolutely no repect ?

I don't get it either Lovey, I'm just not sure I care too much anymore. Surely self control is not doing it at all ?

Plenty of women have no objection to porn, my partner knew my views from day one, so why not find someone who better fitted in with his life style ? I've always been totally honest with him about my hatred of porn and the reasons for it, but he doesn't seem to care, he sees it as a "man's right " and " it's something men do ", ok fine, but they don't, and they don't all visit dating sites , or txt other women on secret SIM cards do they ?

I don't know what the answer is, but I will say, the future.. for us at least, looks pretty bleak.

Helen

[Lovey]

Oh, so it's okay for him to do it but you can't ever see penis?! LOL How would he feel if you started downloading nude guys with big penises?! Would he become jealous?
Did your friend mean to send you a picture of his penis? I know he was tipsy but if it was a mistake I think that it should be forgiven, but if it was sent intently, I'd have blocked him too. That was very respectful of you.
You didn't hurt your partner with that, picture, Helen. That was not your doing. To me, your hubby is cheating on you by watching live girls masturbate and masturbating with them. It's not much different than doing it in person. Would he feel okay with you doing it? You might want to ask him, or to experiment with them to find out how he feels about it. Maybe he will begin to understand your thoughts on that.

Yes, I knew there was some way around Keylogger and that's also why I can't be bothered. Yesterday I happened to look at it after weeks of not looking, and found it just by chance. It's really such a bore, all of this.

I think that they do love us, but really like the porn as well. I know my hubby tells me that he doesn't want to watch it because he knows it's self destructive. Yesterday we talked for hours and hours and I told him that I wasn't sure that we could be together, that I'd looked at getting my own place and that although I love him, I'm not sure how much he can keep testing that love without losing me. We realised something. I don't know if it'll help you or anyone else, but what my H never talks about his feelings. He talks a lot but if he has a problem or an issue, he doesn't discuss it with anyone at all. He keeps it in and deals with it in his own way. We have decided to try this again, with him telling me when he gets those feelings to watch porn. I asked what the trigger was and he tells me that it's generally a phrase about anal sex!
I am willing to do this because our life is seriously amazing beyond this but I gotta tell you girls I am so scared. I'm in love with him still. He makes my heart flutter all the time and I hope that this doesn't kill that love. It hurts a lot.

Helen, are you still in love with your H?

I too asked my H if he would be happier with someone who loved porn but he said he only wants me, I am his life.. etc. I asked him then to please stop hurting me. Is trying all that we can hope for? If there are any guys here who have kicked the habit, please pm me. I would like for you to talk to my H!

[helenrw200]

Yes I do love him, tho I sometimes wonder why ! I guess deep down that's why I'm still here.

I have asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing and he answered it wouldn't bother him, he doesn't see it as cheating, he sees it as innocent fun, the only reason he was upset about the pic I got ( according to him ) was that he thought it was someone I knew in real life .

I don't know if the guy meant to send it, he may have been chatting to other people and got his files mixed up, he was very apologetic so I guess it was a mistake.

I gte told I'm the only woman for my partner and that he'd be nothing /couldn't live without me... but I'm not am I ? there's all these othet women too......even if they are online/ on the mobile.

We can't talk about this anymore, he says I'm accusatory if I ask questions and gets defensive , to him it's a private thing between him and the pc .... in other words none of my business ! He hates being checked up on still, despite telling me he wanted me to, so he could earn my trust.

He knows I won't keep on taking it and will eventually kick him out, but it doesn't stop him, so I guess the real question is... does he love me ?

Helen

[Lovey]

Maybe it's time to take inventory! :) Before I met H I wrote down a list of things I wanted from a man in a romantic relationship and marriage. It helped me during dating men- to decide which guy was right for me or not. Might sound calculating but it's my life and I was tired of being with men who didn't fit what I needed and wanted. (Porn wasn't on the list. Who'd have thought!?)
If you can list 10 things you need from a H (mandatory) and another list of things that you desire, but isn't mandatory, you can figure out where H fits.

This is something I've had my own clients do, since it had helped me so much. I did it a few months before I met my H and he fell right into every mandatory and even the desired categories. He still does. There's just this one damned thing we can't get over.. the porn! I'm still completely head over heals in love though he sure has tested this.

I think it's an excuse, when your H said that it was someone you knew in real life. He is sitting in front of a real live woman, watching her masturbate while he does. They talk and discuss things. To me, at least the watching of porn isn't interactive. Can he compromise at least for now and dump the interaction with the other women? I know he wouldn't want to be with one of the women. They're just a fantasy. Boy, it's easier to understand when it's someone else. I need to think about that one for a while, myself.

It is frustrating to your H too. I wonder if he feels that he can't do anything right because of being under a watchful eye, and the accusations, etc? My H tells me he would like to talk on a forum with others but doesn't want me to read what he is writing. That scares me to death, but I realise it's no different than being in therapy. Have you tried talking to your H about the porn without hysterics? I've done so and find that it really gets them calm enough to discuss everything. If they know that you're going to blow up they'll clam right up. I don't blame them in a way. You know what? I'm not so sure that using Keylogger and all that is a way to trust someone.It is starting to feel like a big old crutch to me. I'm hoping to get rid of it. I'm working on it. Might take a while. It does not feel healthy to me.

Does he love you? He says he does, right? If he says so, he would have no reason to lie about love so I'd believe in his words.

[helenrw200]

Problem is he wants me to trust him, I used to trust him implicitly, he destroyed that, not just once but repeatedly

I'm afraid now that he has to earn that trust with proof he's trustworthy... and basically that's impossible, because he isn't.

He put himself under a "watchful eye " with his lying and cheating, I found out about his antics on the pc by accident, didn't doubt him at all til faced with the hard evidence, so yeah I could stop... but he won't.

I don't think I do get angry, I've even tried the calm rational approach, tried to understand why he feels the need to do it etc, he just gets angry and causes an argument , and pretty muchtells me to mind my own business, how can you talk to someone in that frame of mind ?

The most hurtful thing he's done tho, and which I can't forgive him for happened on a gaming site which we're both members of. A woman on there from the US, very flirty,used to chat to both of us, although mainly him, we play in each others names sometimes so sometimes she gets us confused. One night I was playing in his name and she started to flirt , when she found out it wasn't him, she asked did he get the pic she sent, I said I wouldn't know and she said he'd asked for it, I said I found that unlikely so she copied me 3 e-mails he'd sent to her...........she'd been quite nasty to me a few weeks before and I'd told him, and he'd e-mailed her saying I was jealous ,because she was real sexy, apologised to her for MY behaviour and asked her for a pic, giving her an e-mail address I knew nothing about.

I lost it with him then, how dare he?! I was so hurt by this and can't forgive or forget right now, so now isn't the time for rational talking.

As for whether he loves me, maybe it's just convenient for him to live here right now, who knows ?

[Lovey]

It does not sound as though he is earning your trust or even trying. Is that right? If he isn't trying at all, I don't see how things would work, with how you feel about what he is doing.

If he's telling you that it's none of your business then I'd like to know whose business is it? Marriage means that you are each other's business. He isn't playing fair with you. The flirtation was behind your back, he should not have emailed her to apologise on your behalf. He should be sticking up for you! what gall. That's unacceptable behaviour. It pisses me off, too. I have to admit that I'm not sure if I'd want to forgive that. I'm with you. I draw the line at any interaction with females except for our friends. It's like your H is looking to cheat. :(

If it's a matter of money, some people do stay in relationships due to convenience. Only he can tell you why he is there.

[helenrw200]

He isn't trying in my opinion,and yet when I threaten to end the relationship ( we're not married )it's all tears and apologies, I'm not sure even he knows what he wants.

He rarely sticks up for me , he always seems to take the other persons side, even ina supermarket if someone pushes into me he's likely to say " well you do stand in the way"

Little things like that hurt, and that's why I can't forgive him, it's ongoing..........if I could just stop loving him ( oh if only love was a rational thing ) and find the courage to leave, maybe I could conquer this depression.

Helen

[Lovey]

Good point to raise. Maybe he isn't sure what he wants. Does he say that he is trying? Has there ever been any evidence of it?

His not sticking up for you is yet another lack of respect. He's picking at you. Does he have a low self esteem?

You're right. It's hard to forgive if it's ongoing. If it's a one time thing, it's easier to eventually move on from it but as soon as you move on from one thing, he brings up another? You can still love someone and leave them. First you need that counselling to make you stronger, then you can figure out what you need to do. It's okay to take time to fix yourself first before you make a decision. You're doing the right thing.

PS Don't make a threat to end the relationship unless you are ready to pack your bags. Otherwise, he will not believe you when and if the time comes.

[helenrw200]

I know what you mean Lovey, but it isn't really a threat, I have ended the relationship , twice, took him back after he promised the first time that he was truely sorry, and the second time because he threatened suicide ( I've already had one partner commit suicide, so I guess it was emotional blackmail ).

I'm not emotionaly strong enough to make any life changing decisions right now, hence the counselling. I've been told I need psychotherapy, but there's a two year waiting list on the NHS, until I've sorted out my own head, he will have to live by his own conscience, if he has one.

He has said he's trying, but to be honest I can't see how, he refuses to discuss anything that he's done ( uses that old chestnut about raking up the past ) but it really hasn't been talked about in any depth, I think he feels too guilty to go into it all and be honest. Meanwhile I'm left hurt and doubting him,it's all surface with him, no depth.

He insists he is being voyeuristic when viewing porn, that it doesn't detract from his love for me at all, but he just doesn't get the point, it hurts me and it's disrespectful and for us to have a future he has to stop....I don't think he can. He won't consider therapy, or marriage guidance, he doesn't think he has a probblem that needs therapy and he says marriage guidance would make things worse as we would say things and then have to live with them afterwards. Personally I think he's scared of being judged.

Helen

[Lovey]

Oh dear, you've left before and he blackmails you. That's really sad since you have already been through that once. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with, very painful. He ought to know that and not use it as a ploy.
In my opinion, the counselling will be helpful enough for now. The counsellor should help you to become stronger, emotionally. Takes time. You're right. He will do what he will and you'll be happy just knowing that you're getting stronger by the day.

Sure, it's voyeuristic to watch porn. That's never doubted, but it's your feelings he needs to focus on. When we love someone, we try to do what we can to make them happy, in turn we're happy. This isn't making you anything but miserable (As it makes me when Hubby does it.) and so true, that there is no future in it. If he won't consider therapy, at least you have the power to go yourself. He's probably similar to my Hubby in that he doesn't talk about his true feelings much, and takes care of it all himself. It doesn't always work out that way though.

[Lovey]

Last night I had a bad night and it continued this morning. Through mid morning I started to count my blessings (in a non-religious way) and reminded myself of a ton of things my H does for me. Later on I went shopping for summer clothes with my H and we had a nice talk again about things. These open talks keep me going.

Cheers

[Sad Wife]

Trust is a heck of a thing huh? I also have serious trust issues with my husband from the porn issues. About a year ago we had a major blow out, I told him I was done if he wouldnt stop, he cried and said he couldnt lose me... you know how it goes. So I cancelled the internet, and he was never home alone... just went to work and I was always home when he got back, or if he got off first he would come to my work and hang out (I am lucky to have a job where he can and it doesnt seem weird to anyone). And I knew neither of us was happy with the situation, but he was putting up with it for a year and I really thought he was trying to make this better. In fact I was finally starting to feel a little trust for him again, to where I could not be miserable to leave him home alone while I ran some errands.



Then yesterday... I was online banking, balancing the checkbook and he had used his ATM last Friday when he was at work. He had told me he did it because he needed some cash to pay for this work class... the story seemed strange at the time because work was supposed to pay for it, but as I said I was trying to trust again. But the bank statement lists an address that is not his work, so I googled it. Turns out to be a strip club! I got myself all worked up all day, talked with a girlfriend, was ready to go home and kick him out for good. I asked him about it, he said he was sorry, it was only two times in the last year (dont know if I believe that), he has been miserable since then afraid I would find out and leave him (he has been having strange stomach pain and sleeping poorly) and he took the money out because he had locked his keys in the car and had to pay to get them out. He claims he wanted to tell me but didnt want to hurt me again, and he had made the decision never to go again because it all hit home when he realized that I might find out and he could actually loose me. He agrees that if he were me he would have a hard time trusting him again and believing that he would really stop, and he understands if I feel this is big enough to leave him, but he hopes we can fix it.



How does he do this to me. I was ready to pack his bags, and instead now I am trying to igure out if maybe I could give it another try. I feel so so stupid because my brain knows he probably wont really stop and he will just keep lying to me, saying he is at work and going to a strip club, but at the same time I am so madly in love it seems like I am just willing to keep letting him kick me around like this. I cant stand the thought of him looking at porn, and real women at strip clubs is even worse (I have posted in the porn thread before about childhood issues/marriage issues we have had).



Will they ever really change? Am I just another stupid women, ready to believe any lie? I am so confused right now. I feel myself pushing him away, almost hoping he will do it again and I will leave for good. But I still cant imagine my life without him.



And now my girlfriend is going to call me today, and she thinks I should leave him and is probably right, and she isnt going to understand. She isnt married, and doesnt understand how deep that connection can be (never had a real relationship in fact). She just sees the bad stuff and says I would be better off without him.

[Lovey]

Oh Sad Wife, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I am sending you internet hugs! You're not stupid at all. I've felt that same way as well and it's only because you are hurt that you think that. You were starting to trust, and that's a good thing!!
He really does sound as though he feels sorry for this. Perhaps he needs some help and support in putting an end to the porn stuff and the strip clubs? If this is all getting to him in the form of stomach issues, he really should get some help. Have you asked him to? Usually if someone is so upset that their stomach is upset and their sleeping habits are poor, it means that the truly feel bad. Maybe he doesn't know where to turn?

I really don't know if they can change. I do know that several of my clients want to change and although it's difficult, at least they try! Isn't it all we can ask of anyone? :)

If you have a wonderful life together beyond this one thing, I say fight for it! Your girlfriend won't understand as much as we would unless she has been through it. I'm sure she means well, but leaving him just because of this might not be the answer. Focus on the good stuff and don't stop communicating with him.

Lovey

[Lovey]

Update: I removed Keylogger from all computers. Long story but I felt good about it. It feels good to simply trust without having to sit here for minutes each day reading the reports. We'll see how things go. If it's going to happen, it'll happen and we'll deal with it then.

I am thinking positive thoughts and ensuring we're communicating. What else can I do?! (Rhetorical question!)