Difficult decisions

[Rosieq]

Hi - I've been married for 18 months and I'm not sure whether to carry on with the marriage or not. My husband 'virtually' cheated on me after four months of marriage by starting up a relationship with someone over emails and texts. She was in another country so there was no physical contact but the texts that I found included ones saying 'I have never felt this way before about anyone...' etc etc.
We worked through that problem and although it was difficult building up trust again I think we are doing fairly well.
The good points are that we get on very well, have a lot of fun together, shared interests, lots of affection although not a huge amount of sex, etc, but there are some major problems that we can't seem to get over. Money is one. He is not very career minded and so doesn't earn a lot. I know this shouldn't matter but in a couple of years I hope to start a family (I'm 32) and although it's selfish I was hoping to stop working for a year and look after the baby, then go back to work part time. This wouldn't be possible at the moment as he doesn't earn enough to support a family. I feel frustrated that he won't better his job prospects and if I want him to move ahead I have to encourage (push) him into improving his qualifications.
The other problem is that I find him quite secretive, he won't reveal his emotions readily and also seems to be a different person with other people. He lies about silly things and I think he's insecure.
I was trying to work out these problems but I've manage to complicate matters. I have a male friend at work who I'm starting to have feelings for. He has a professional career, a house, car, aims high, etc etc, i.e matching a lot of my own qualities. We have fun together as friends and I like him a lot.
I am now having thoughts about ending the marriage because my husband is probably never going to change and it will always be a finanicial struggle, and starting afresh and finding someone more suited to me.
I'm not sure though whether my attraction for my friend is making me look more critically at the marriage.
I'm not sure whether having a 90% good marriage is what I should expect and I shouldn't look for anymore.
I'm confused.
Any advice much appreciated and apologies for the long post!

[Kate]

Hi there

If you have a 90% good marriage, then why are you looking elsewhere? You have so much going for you. If you read the stories of others here you will find out that you can't walk away from a marriage without a lot of pain. It's not like choosing a new dress and then taking it back because you don't like it.

So there are things you don't like about your marriage. So... What are you doing about working through some of these issues. Why not do some enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/) and find some ways to communicate and work through the challenges you face.
Kate

[London]

Kate i can't believe you just wrote that! Talk about pushing your agenda!

So because you think Rosieq has 90% in a marriage she should be satisfied. Have you actually bothered to read what that 90% constitutes? Her H has already begun an "affair" of sorts with a woman out of the county - which odds are he would have easily taken to the next step given the nature of his texts, he's not entirely interested in his wife at all, she has no real passion or desire for him (affection yes, but intimate life), they argue about little things and big things, he lies about a lot of things, is one person with her and another with other people, the list goes on.

And you are advocating she sits still? They have no kids and their marriage is less than 2 years old so it's hardly going to be as traumatic as some of the sob stories we've seen on this board and not as complicated. Basically their relationship sounds quite platonic or that of brother and sister.

Rosieq - I'd suggest you take stock in what's important to you in a marriage, and evaluate whether this is the type pf household you want to bring a child into. Are you happy with this man and where the two of you are headed? If not, then the time is now to get out... you don't want to return to this board in 10 or 15 years weeping and sporting a broken heart and house like some of our guests have becuase they didn't have the balls to act sooner. Some marriages are just not worth saving. Yours needs your honest evaluation and a decision soon.... If you decide to go to counselling make sure its not religious or right wing.... else, you'll get the same answer as Kate so kindly gave you.

[Rosieq]

Thank you both for your replies - they are helpful in different ways.

I know that everyone has their 'foibles' and that no-one is perfect. I do understand that in every relationship there is always going to be some problem or other. I think that's just human nature.
It's just whether you can accept your partner's particular foible or whether you need to find someone else with a different kind more acceptable to you.
Oh it's hard. I wish there were a manual.

I think we need to do some talking and thinking and review things in a couple of months. I don't want to rush into ending things.
As for the friend I have feelings for - I think it's probably unfair on him to begin anything until my marriage is well and truly over so for now he'll just remain a friend.

Thanks again.

[jools]

Hi Rosieq
If you've only been married 18 months and already having such misgivings about your H then DONT get pregnant yet. Your H sounds like someone with his head in the clouds whereas you sound like a focussed woman who knows what she wants from life. I wouldn't expect to have to "work" at a marriage at such an early stage. It's a bit like not expecting a new car to break down in the first 18 months. You have a "life plan" in your head which he seems unlikely to fit into. Do you love him enough to face a lifetime of trying to make ends meet? (virtual affairs aside). I just think that if you were happy (or even "contented") then you wouldn't even dream of working out percentages, you'd just accept the whole package. My H has gone thro bankruptcy and resorted to boot sales just to put food on the table when the kids were babies...but I never considered other options, or even what percentage of the marriage was OK.

London's right that if you have doubts, the time to get out is now (or as soon as possible). It sounds hard, but at your age and with no children you'll move on quite quickly. It's when kids are involved that things get really messy. Oh...and I'm assuming that your close male friend is not married (another messy area that you don't want to enter).
Jools.
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