More like my son than a Husband

[nessiew]

Please give me some advice on what to do about the way I feel towards my husband of 8 years, I am desperate.. we have four young children (3 are 6 and under) last year was the worse year ever.. I found out my husband had been texting a woman from his work for 5 months, although he said nothing had happend.. shortly after I found out he had visited a prostitute whilst the text affair was taking place which not only killed my feelings and respect for him but also made me doubt if the texting was as far as he said it went.. I tried to talk with him, but i find it impossible for him to open up about anything, it just gets swept under the carpet in the hope I will forget about it.. i couldn't and my feelings were all over the place resulting in me having a brief fling with a guy at work.. When I was caought out I was releived that we may have a chance to speak about our relationship, I did but he never gave any opinion. suggestion, or any input as always he was hoping it would die down and go away. we split up for a while but he lost two stone in weight, wouldn't see the kids, drank a lot and looked terrible.. I had to pay the rent on his place and took him back over christmas.. The problem I now have is the way I view him in this family- I tend to discipline the kids, sort out the finance, run a Teddy business and go out to work three times a week as a book keeper,, all I want is a backbone someone who can uplift me and have a laugh with me.. I am by nature a very friendly kind of person and approachable when my husband is around I feel like my soul is dying.. He can't look at me while talking. he even closes his eyes if he does speak to me or his whole head is turned away. I am going for counselling myself next week to see how I can cope with living with him as it was perfectly clear the when he went the last time that I cannot cope on my own with my kids etc.. I feel like he is my eldest teeneage son instead of my husband as I cannot rely on him for anything apart from he does the ironing.. and that has become an obsession.. I just want him to come home from work and suggest we do something together and have a lazy conversation.. I have told him how I feel, but nothing changes.. our sex life is suffering as he doesn't know how to make an advance to me, I have to start it off ( but i can't be bothered now) Instead he would rather sort himself out when I am not around ( if you know what I mean). I am almost 40 but I take pride in my figure and appearance and although I know I am a lot stronger character than him it does my head in to have to be the entertainments manager all the time. I spend lots of fun time with my kids..I want him to be the head of the family that we can look up to.. Not me being his mother as well..

[Kimberley]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I am currently going through a similar experience with my husband first the texts, then the affair and now trying to deal with things on a day to day basis.

I do have two children but they are older. I feel that perhaps you need some more you time you say that you look younger and look after yourself, why not put some energy in feeling better about yourself it is not your fault you married a husband who is acting like a teenager. Go swimming, go to the gym take up jogging.

My salvation is my daughters who I adore and they adore me. Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on him to conform when he has been spinning out of control. Being apart didnt work for him but did it work for you?

Personally I feel better when my husband is not around at the moment as he has made me feel bad about myself and I dont think any one should do that to someone else.

Try to take the pressure cooker way of life off your back entirely for a while even if you just visit a friend for coffee why not make him look after the children even if its just a couple of hours.

I have started going for a drive or a look round the shops or a swim. It takes my mind off things and makes me feel better about the way I look and Im starting to feel there is more to life than him and his problems which he brought on himself.

Dont mean to sound like the scorned evil woman. Good luck and take each day at a time.

Kimberley

[nessiew]

Kimberley

Thanks for your advice, I was kinda wondering if I was going mad and that I was the only one experiencing this type of a problem.. When he left before I hate to admit it BUT I did actually enjoy not having him around . I had a spring in my step and a sparkle in my eye, however there was so much pressure on the way he coped, the amount of weight he lost etc that his family and even mine were making me feel bad about it all. for instance my mum would tell me that he wasn't a bad bloke and would point out that he does the washing and ironing etc.. and that plenty of men have been with prostitutes etc.. and that he was a kind man by nature etc.. which I do agree with but I also feel that he is either lazy or ignorant in not knowing how to make another person happy.. Like I mentioned he cannot have a conversation about anything.. he will answer me if I talk to him etc, but has no enthusiasm for anything, he has no hobbies and no friends that he can go out with .. I do have some close friends that I get to see regularly, Our children are in bed by 7.30pm so it isn't as if it is hectic anymore, but like I say it is like being with a Zombie.. I just feel like the marriage is false now and we haven't much common ground.. The weekends are the worse, he lays in bed and allows the kids to empty shampoo etc in the bath in the ensuite, because he can't be bothered with the agro of discipling them. I also feel like there is more that I don't know about..with the prostitute issue I can't seem to get it out of my head, especially as he said he had thought about doing it 10 months before he actually did and doesn't know why !! I don't know why either as two weeks before I had planned a surprise 40th Birthday party and it wasn't as if he was sex starved either. How did you feel when you found out your husband had cheated.. were you suprised ? did you have your suspicions ?

I wish I was happy and could look forward to a bright family future, instead of trying to find an escape route..

[Helen]

Nessie,

Having read your posts, I have a strong feeling that your husband is suffering from depression. His behaviour sounds identical (with the exception of the visit to the prostitute) to that of my ex-husband. It sounds like he has a lot of himself invested in the marriage and in you, which would explain why he goes to pieces when you are apart. It also sounds as though he has difficulty expressing himself.

Strangely enough, it also sounds to me as though your husband suffers from a form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome. Adults suffering from this can display a range of symptoms, including OCD tendencies (I am thinking about the obssessive ironing here) plus a complete inability to interact socially in a normal way.

Has he been to the doctor at all to find out if there is a reason for his lack of oomph?


Helen

[nessiew]

Helen

Blimey !! Thanks very much for your post. I never thought that it may be medical. In a weird sort of way I hope that he has got depression, at least it could be sorted, the thought of him being this way with me forever is extremely daunting. I think I will suggest this to him .. He is a very good looking man and it seems such a shame that he does have such a low self esteem of himself, you are 100% correct in saying that he invests everything in me and our marriage, he can text me and tell me how much he loves me. and is almost afraid of upsetting me ( maybe that is why he doesn't speak, just makes me loads of cups of tea. ( almost suffocating me) but cannot show any constructive behaviour around the family. When he comes in from work he immediately goes to the washing basket etc and can spend all evening washing, drying and ironing.. ( because he does it well) I think he lacks confidence in most areas especially with women in the past and I have a niggling idea that his visit to the lady of the night wasn't his first.. ( he had a problem with porn for ages, hiding it from me and watching it on his own late at night rather than coming to bed with me)
Do you think counselling may be of help to him, only I think he has a few issues with his childhood, he had a catholic upbringing, his father drank a lot and he was afraid of him, his dad died years ago in his forties, and he was devasted when his mum died eight years ago. Like I mentioned he doesn't have contact with any of his friends, he is happy to just stay ay home every evening, unless I go out with him, he doesn't have any interest, hobbies, ambitions, or ooommph at all.. I hate the way I feel about him.. I want to love him as a husband , instead I just feel sorry for him and then that irritates me and I feel resentful to him.. I should respect him but at the moment I just can't get any positive vibes..
Can you tell me more about the symptoms your husband displayed and the build up to you realising this was the problem. I appreciate your comments
Thanks

Vanessa

[Helen]

Hi Vanessa,

Reading your latest post, I felt very sad because your husband could have been my ex-husband. Seriously. The lack of self-esteem, the suffocating behaviour, the OCD tendencies around housework, the handsome, yet insecure man...I am willing to bet your husband knows, despite his efforts with the housework, that you are unhappy. And this makes him unhappy too but he probably has no idea how to put things right...hence not wanting to upset you and suffocating you with the 'wrong kind' of kindness...

Your husband has been to see a prostitute/prostitutes. My husband had an affair with my brother's wife. Hence the reason why he is now my ex-husband. The betrayal was just too close and too raw. In a way, I suspect he ended up having an affair with her because he lacked confidence in many areas of his life and she paid him a bit of attention. He went with her because he knew there would be no risk of rejection. I had and still have a demanding job. He felt like he was secondary in many ways to our son and my career and I cannot lie - I pushed myself academically and in my career so that we could afford a nice lifestyle and to send our son to public school. That said, my husband loved the money - but he wanted a wife who would be at home all the time, who would be available sexually, all the time and who would not demand tedious things like a 'proper' relationship. All the time. Ironically, he has this now with the woman he took up with. She has never had a job, preferring to languish at home on benefits. And he doesn't seem any happier with her now because men like my husband (and yours, I suspect) need a strong woman behind them to give them a push...

Like you, I found it difficult to respect my husband because he used to let his so called friends treat him like a doormat. His lack of confidence spilled over into all areas of his life - and mine. I knew he knew that housework was not the answer to our problems. Yet he churned out washing and ironing and washed up dishes, day in and day out. Meanwhile, the fundamental problems in our relationship (the way he treated me like a prostitute, the total lack of communication outside the bedroom as well as the self-esteem problems), were overlooked or ignored. By him.

There are so many parallels between us that I cannot help but feel a little bit alarmed. My advice to you is to sound your husband out about his feelings. Tell him you need to have a real conversation with him. You are not levelling accusations so you do not want him to take your comments as such. But you really feel the marriage is in trouble and it is killing you because you really want things to work between you. Then tell him what your view of the problems are. Ask him if he is feeling a bit depressed or repressed in some way. Then suggest counselling - therapy for him and marriage counselling for the two of you. Reassure him that you love him and you only suggest these things because there is a chasm between you.

My husband's depression showed itself in a number of ways. He seemed unable to stand up for himself so all sorts of people used to take the mickey with him. He took out his angry feelings about this on me. He had lots of angry outbursts and temper tantrums. He either broke things, threw things or hung his head like a whipped puppy when I tried to talk to him. Like you, for me it was like having a second child, although my son (now aged 19) was always more mature than his father.

I sound the note of caution because despite begging my husband to seek help over the years, he wouldn't. He refused marriage counselling dozens of times. He refused to go to the doctor to investigate the reasons for his outbursts too. Instead, he confided in my brother's wife and exaggerated every single slight he thought I had meted out in the worst way. Instead of telling my husband to go to marriage counselling with me, this woman slept with him. And when we were trying to reconcile, she kicked my brother out and hounded my husband, who was confused and could not make up his mind what he wanted. In the end I cut him loose because it was just too painful.

Ironically, it was when our marriage ended that he finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression...something I suspected he had but he refused to accept in all the years we were married.

All I am saying is I think counselling would help your husband but he may be less willing to go than you think and you may have to set an example for him to follow by going into counselling yourself and feeding back to him on progress. Something I now wish I had done but you know what they say - life is too short for regrets.

Take care,


Helen

[jools]

Hi Vanessa + Helen
Just to add my bit to what you've both experienced. My realtionship hit crisis three years ago this May (time flies!). At the time I saw my future as a divorcee and it was only through posting on here that I was made to consider the possibility that it might be due to my H being depressed. The more I looked into depression the more convinced I became. Now there's the rub. I was convinced and naively assumed that I could inform my H of the root of the problem and we'd sort it out. Not so. I remember the awful day that I decided we'd have along talk to sort things. It ended with him breaking down in tears saying he had no feelings anymore and didn't know what to do. It was awful. You end up getting sucked into the whole hopeless pit yourself. I knew he'd be resistant to the idea of anti-depressants so worked on the supplements approach (high dose omega 3 is very good...high EPA content). I ran everything by my doctor to ensure that I wouldn't do more harm than good. Things have improved over time. My H has noticed that he's feeling better. He now jokes about going through the menopause and doesn't blame "us" for his feelings.

I think what i'm trying to say is that it's not a quick fix situation. You can't make them see your truth. They have to reach the conclusions for themselves (with some gentle suggestions from yourself). And you might need an awful lot of patience!
Love Jools.
________
Dc Medical Marijuana (http://dc.dispensaries.org/)

[nessiew]

Helen and JoolsFirstly I have looked up info on your suggestion Helen of Aspergers Syndrome, and frightenly the syptoms are similiar to those my husband displays, also my son of 6 was a nightmare until he started school a year ago ( long story but I thought at the time he may have had some form of Autism) and even now is the most difficult one out of the four I have, armed with this info and that maybe my son suffers a mild case of this syndrome himself points to the fact that indeed my husband maybe a sufferer. especially in the lack of communication, no eye contact, non mixing with others, lack of emphathy, and the fear of change. He is only on his second job in the whole of his employment history, and I insisted he changed the 1st job he was in from school to 5 years ago as we had moved from the area and he was driving 3 hours a day to keep in the same job, plus they changed him to doing nights and our relationship was tested to the limit.. he was scared of leaving this job so I actually had to note jobs from the paper for him, and pysically dial the number and hand him the phone to get into the job he is in now, which is a managerial position.. His boss is great and the opportunity was there for my husband to become higher in the business.. sadly not the case. I am an ambitious sort of person and want to succed, I am quite materialistic but it is the achievement for me which gives me a buzz.. The Teddy Gram business for instance - I set up a year ago, and I have sent out over 250 of my Teddy's worldwide.. This is what makes me tick, but the feeling is short lived when my husbands lack of interest pulls me down. I am aware that he has needs aswell, and I do spend evenings with him keeping him Company and watching TV, but we sit in silence with the odd " would you like a cup of tea darling" thrown in now and again.. I have tried to ask him what he wants from life, he doesn't know !! I even asked him what he would do if he won the lottery " he doesn't know", and "it doesn't matter cos we wouldn't win it anyhow".. I can't understand anyone answering a question like that, most people would come back with .. New Car, Dream Home, Holiday of a lifetime etc.. I know I am sounding really petty now, but it's these little things that bug me so much.. I have a real passion for life ( even the bad times , cos they are a challenge) and to be with someone who seems so shallow is depressing me..
If it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't be here ! I feel so trapped.. going to bed with him is now for me a skin crawler.. I get annoyed as it is the same old thing each time.. I have tried other things but his lack of communication or involvement makes me feel a bit daft .. When we got back this time he promised me he would change and that he was going to do a college course, and seek some counselling, and liven up.. but I don't know how many times we have been over this before.. and nothing has changed..

I was sorry to hear about the outcome of your situation Helen, however as you say that had to be the end.. Your relationship with your Brother would have been harmed and nothing could ever be the same .. You feel so annoyed with them don't you.. If he could have just had the balls to have spoken up about things and expressed himself, it may never have got so bad, but No like my husband he was easily led by someone who wrapped him up in sympathy.. for me it leads down the same track -- Naughty Boy .. and that was how my husband portrayed himself to me when I managed to wrangle every last detail out of him with the prostitute.. Head in hands, Lost puppy, shaking.. I'm very sorry.. But nothing constructive, I may have prefered a stand up fight about his reasons ( cos there must have been some) for doing it.. he doesn't know !! It is so infuriating ... Sorry to keep going on..

Thanks for your comments girls, I really appreciate it.

vanessa

[jools]

Helen's asperger's theory sounds very interesting, especially since yoy say that your son also exhibits similar tendencies. I suppose you need to work out what's causing it in order to seek a solution. Out of interest, how long has your H been like this?
Jools
________
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[nessiew]

Hi Jools

I would say we have had problems in the last three years, we met on a blind date and I already had a three year old daughter, He had been married before and his marriage broke down after just six weeks in the March 1998, I met him in the October, also in that year his mum had died.. We were fine whilst we were having our kids as we had this in common, In between being a Mother etc I have clung onto being ME aswell.. I think i have changed as far as starting a couple of business's and putting a large amount of time and effort into these,( but I would have needed to work anyhow as he doesn't earn enough to support a large house and family on his own) .I do think it is this change that has driven us apart and highlighted our differences.. However I don't need my husband to be especially career driven or to be the life and soul of the party, I would just like to know that he is alive !! and would love for him to be able to understand me.. ( I have had long chats with him about my past (before he came into my life), some colourful moments, some sad, some hard, and my experiences which made me who I am today ) so he has I feel enough info and has lived with me for the last 6 years to know what I am about, but when I ask about his life , I don't get much back.. In fact I know very little about him apart from that he went to Ibizia on Holiday and had tonsilitis and a girl from Kent looked after him, and he done a parachute jump in 1988 and he adores QPR football Team.. Sad isn't it !!

[Kimberley]

Hi


I agree with the others about the depression in your husband. Its a shame for you. My ex husband and I became like total strangers and grew apart and again communication was very limited and he even ate his meals on the computer than with his family - there was no one else involved and one day I just said I cant do this any more and I dont love you and he said that he didnt love me either and it went on from there to divorce. He was less amicable when I met someone else but isnt that always the way.

If you dont find him sexual attractive any more that is a hard one - again I froze when my ex touched me. Whilst with my new partner I chased him round the bedroom so sometimes the chemistry can run dry.

When he was playing away you asked how I knew - I cant say exactly how I knew I just had this feeling he wasnt there for me, distracted if I spoke, wanted to stay late at work, wanted to go out with his friends whilst we always went every where together before etc there were signs and now I know about his affair it all adds up but at the time I think I was blind and naive.

Im not too sure where Im going with mine at the moment I was going to be sterlised soon but Ive cancelled that. Im just taking it a day at a time - I called him today to ask whether he did really love me and he did want to stay with me and he said that he did and if his feelings had changed he would let me know. All sounds great but I dont believe him any more.

Also up until last week he was acting like a child as is yours - towels, clothes on the floor, expecting me to cook, clean and iron and pick up after him - I told him that he could pick up after himself from now on Im not his mother and has actually started doing it so perhaps its a step in the right direction.

Do try and talk to your husband even if you feel like hitting him over the head with a frying pan - that might be a talking point! Try and be positive and think happy thoughts - thats what im trying to do.

Good luck

Kimberley