medikel
17th February 2006, 05:05 AM
Help me understand!!!!! H. and I married for almost 4yrs/separated for 3 yrs of it. He and I lived together 1yr before marriage. He had custody of his 2 boys, yet, they lived w/ his ex's dad. H. claims he worked long hrs and no one to watch them. Ex's dad calls says had enough come get the boys. We only lived together for short time, but he had no where else to take them. I thought to myself, I have to show him how committed I am, so when he asked me what he was gonna do, I suggested, "you'll have to bring them here". I knew it was a package deal and I accepted that.
However, the boys had no role model, ran the streets, and were ADHD. It was hard, still is. H. always backed my parenting style, ect. H. worked long hours and I found myself raising them by myself. I was upset about this. As, I was/am ill and struggle to do for myself, even just at home. I did everything, I'm not just saying that. The only thing he had to do was work, come home and eat, watch tv and go to bed! He helped very little at home or w/boys.
Now, we had a fight on honeymoon, he yelled at me, b/c he was hot (weather hot). I wanted to find a special shirt for my mom who helped so much w/the wedding. I guess he didn't understand or care? I cried on the ferry back to our ship. (he did give me an awsome h.moon!) He said little. We got back to our room and I snapped. I wanted to jump ship (in my mind that is.) I called him a name, I regret and appologized for it. He keeps that in his memory, still!!!
After that, things really started down hill. It just seemed like he changed totally! He never yelled at me before the h.moon!!!
We lived in my 2brm apt., with 2 growning boys and all the stuff in it was mine before marriage. I believed all I had was his too. But 2 months after wedding, we planned a pregnancy. He was not concerned about moving to bigger home!!! I wanted a nursery. I've dreamed of it for so long!!! (waited so long to marry the right guy, so i thought). He said the baby can stay in our room. THE APT. WAS SO SMALL FOR US ALREADY!!! I was upset. He did nothing. Was unemployed for a few months, playing the playstation games instead of job hunting! We fought so much. My pregnancy was horrible! He wasn't even gonna stay at hospital over night the first night w/me. Is that normal? He was going to go home to his warm cozy bed while baby and I lay in the hospital! I had c-section. He did end up staying, but I was so upset that he'd even consider going home!
When I had the baby, I was only home for 2 wks, I had to ask him to leave, b/c the fighing was so bad and the stress of it just made my illness worse! I asked him to take some of the responsibilities off my shoulders and tried to tell him, it was just too much for me. He still, did nothing. I begged him to help me out more. (at this point, he wasn't doing anything but going to work.) He is a hard worker, but doesn't help at home at all. Even fight w/me when I needed to go to emergency room from pain of my illness!!!
I wouldn't come home till he left. I stayed at my mom's for a month, I think. He's so bitter, saying I kicked him out! Things were so bad, didn't think they could get worse, they did! I thought this time apart might help us sort things out. It just made him mad.
Now, during this time, I had to move, due to problems w/management of apts. We still saw each other and took turns staying at each other's home. But no work on us! Finally, I broke down, a friend (ex boyfriend) heard about my trouble and called me. Of course i was alone and depressed. He has been helping me for a while. Doing things hubby should have been doing. Hubby found out through a neighbor of mine, (she called him at his house several times). She told him things that weren't true. He calls me, yelling so much, I didn't know who's voice it was! Instead of asking me, benefit of the doubt, he accuses me of things that she said happened.
I am no one to fool around on someone else!!! He still don't believe me. Yet, last summer, same time as my ex was only helping me, due to my illness, my hubby was acting strange. Don't know if it was same time he was told about my ex or not. But hubby didn't want me alone in his house w/boys to visit them. He didn't want me at his house on several occassions, he went to visit his sister out of town, said no room for me to go! His sister came to visit, he took our son that day but said I wasn't his family and didn't let me go with him. There are too many weird things that was going on last summer, I FEAR HE HAD AN AFFAIR!!!!
Then I find out from "our" old neighbor that h. was at our local mall holding hands w/another woman, she also said boys were w/him! I asked him, in a respectable manner about it. He just said, "I don't even like the mall". And when I brought it up again, he sorta laughed. He didn't get mad, like he normally would when someone was talking about him. I just don't feel well about this! He had a roommate, guy who introduced us in the first place, during our separation, this guy, our mutual friend, said hubby told him not to come home a few different nights. Hubby told me it was b/c I was coming over. But now that I recall, I didn't visit him at this house much at all and only stayed all night maybe 3 times! He has since moved. Although, he moved so far from me. We fought about that too. He's 45mins away! How can you mend things when you're so far apart? He has dif. job now, but is worse. He works late and gets called out, middle of night even.
What I'm mad about is I still feel neglected and he doesn't make me a priority. Work is first, then son's sports. I spend so much time, waiting for him to make time for me. It's rediculous!!!!
We have both given verbal abuse. He won't listen to my feelings, says I'm picking a fight or arguing, when I'm only stating how I feel and what I need. He says I'm TOO NEEDY, PYSCHOANALYTIC, AND WHEN I HAVE AN ITCH, HE CAN'T ALWAYS SCRATCH IT! What crap!!!He said he'd go to counseling, we did a long time ago, but only a few times and wasn't doing anything for us. I wanted more time w/pastor, h. stated, he doesn't have the time! Wow! Now he won't go to counseling. Wanted me to move in w/him, but I need to be near my mom who helps when I get sick. H. stated, if I moved in w/him, mom not allowed on property. (for no reason!) and if I was sick and needed to go to hospital, and he wasn't home, i'd just have to suffer w/it! Can you believe him!?
He doesn't make time for me or our 2yr old son, unless HE wants to! I am also pregnant w/our 2nd child. I feel so lonely. He also shames me, alot!!! "shame on you", he'd say. He tells me I'm controlling? I think he is! He's so good w/the guilt trips. I told him, ex wouldn't be around to be a friend and help me , if you'd just help alittle and be here for me sometimes. He doesn't know what it means to sacrifice!!!!
I'm torn between leaving him completely and feeling the abuse if we don't fix things. I can't talk to him. We have no intimacy. I feel like his door mat! He will do something nice, only to throw it in my face later! He comes and goes as he wishes. I'm left here waiting to get his calls and see him.
I have no social life, due to illness. He knew I was sick when he married me!!!! Why can't he give alittle? I'm not a priority to him. Heck, even his oldest son is more important. He won't come over til he picks up son from sports practice at 5pm every night!!! The days he works late, the boy has to wait or get a ride home. But I have to wait. I don't like it and feel used. Help me understand. Please! I do love him, but I really don't feel it back! How can I be too needy? Oh,and self help books are stupid, he doesn't need them, he said. I like to read and I was only trying to find answers for us. He shot me down again by knocking my efforts!!!!
Hopeless....
However, the boys had no role model, ran the streets, and were ADHD. It was hard, still is. H. always backed my parenting style, ect. H. worked long hours and I found myself raising them by myself. I was upset about this. As, I was/am ill and struggle to do for myself, even just at home. I did everything, I'm not just saying that. The only thing he had to do was work, come home and eat, watch tv and go to bed! He helped very little at home or w/boys.
Now, we had a fight on honeymoon, he yelled at me, b/c he was hot (weather hot). I wanted to find a special shirt for my mom who helped so much w/the wedding. I guess he didn't understand or care? I cried on the ferry back to our ship. (he did give me an awsome h.moon!) He said little. We got back to our room and I snapped. I wanted to jump ship (in my mind that is.) I called him a name, I regret and appologized for it. He keeps that in his memory, still!!!
After that, things really started down hill. It just seemed like he changed totally! He never yelled at me before the h.moon!!!
We lived in my 2brm apt., with 2 growning boys and all the stuff in it was mine before marriage. I believed all I had was his too. But 2 months after wedding, we planned a pregnancy. He was not concerned about moving to bigger home!!! I wanted a nursery. I've dreamed of it for so long!!! (waited so long to marry the right guy, so i thought). He said the baby can stay in our room. THE APT. WAS SO SMALL FOR US ALREADY!!! I was upset. He did nothing. Was unemployed for a few months, playing the playstation games instead of job hunting! We fought so much. My pregnancy was horrible! He wasn't even gonna stay at hospital over night the first night w/me. Is that normal? He was going to go home to his warm cozy bed while baby and I lay in the hospital! I had c-section. He did end up staying, but I was so upset that he'd even consider going home!
When I had the baby, I was only home for 2 wks, I had to ask him to leave, b/c the fighing was so bad and the stress of it just made my illness worse! I asked him to take some of the responsibilities off my shoulders and tried to tell him, it was just too much for me. He still, did nothing. I begged him to help me out more. (at this point, he wasn't doing anything but going to work.) He is a hard worker, but doesn't help at home at all. Even fight w/me when I needed to go to emergency room from pain of my illness!!!
I wouldn't come home till he left. I stayed at my mom's for a month, I think. He's so bitter, saying I kicked him out! Things were so bad, didn't think they could get worse, they did! I thought this time apart might help us sort things out. It just made him mad.
Now, during this time, I had to move, due to problems w/management of apts. We still saw each other and took turns staying at each other's home. But no work on us! Finally, I broke down, a friend (ex boyfriend) heard about my trouble and called me. Of course i was alone and depressed. He has been helping me for a while. Doing things hubby should have been doing. Hubby found out through a neighbor of mine, (she called him at his house several times). She told him things that weren't true. He calls me, yelling so much, I didn't know who's voice it was! Instead of asking me, benefit of the doubt, he accuses me of things that she said happened.
I am no one to fool around on someone else!!! He still don't believe me. Yet, last summer, same time as my ex was only helping me, due to my illness, my hubby was acting strange. Don't know if it was same time he was told about my ex or not. But hubby didn't want me alone in his house w/boys to visit them. He didn't want me at his house on several occassions, he went to visit his sister out of town, said no room for me to go! His sister came to visit, he took our son that day but said I wasn't his family and didn't let me go with him. There are too many weird things that was going on last summer, I FEAR HE HAD AN AFFAIR!!!!
Then I find out from "our" old neighbor that h. was at our local mall holding hands w/another woman, she also said boys were w/him! I asked him, in a respectable manner about it. He just said, "I don't even like the mall". And when I brought it up again, he sorta laughed. He didn't get mad, like he normally would when someone was talking about him. I just don't feel well about this! He had a roommate, guy who introduced us in the first place, during our separation, this guy, our mutual friend, said hubby told him not to come home a few different nights. Hubby told me it was b/c I was coming over. But now that I recall, I didn't visit him at this house much at all and only stayed all night maybe 3 times! He has since moved. Although, he moved so far from me. We fought about that too. He's 45mins away! How can you mend things when you're so far apart? He has dif. job now, but is worse. He works late and gets called out, middle of night even.
What I'm mad about is I still feel neglected and he doesn't make me a priority. Work is first, then son's sports. I spend so much time, waiting for him to make time for me. It's rediculous!!!!
We have both given verbal abuse. He won't listen to my feelings, says I'm picking a fight or arguing, when I'm only stating how I feel and what I need. He says I'm TOO NEEDY, PYSCHOANALYTIC, AND WHEN I HAVE AN ITCH, HE CAN'T ALWAYS SCRATCH IT! What crap!!!He said he'd go to counseling, we did a long time ago, but only a few times and wasn't doing anything for us. I wanted more time w/pastor, h. stated, he doesn't have the time! Wow! Now he won't go to counseling. Wanted me to move in w/him, but I need to be near my mom who helps when I get sick. H. stated, if I moved in w/him, mom not allowed on property. (for no reason!) and if I was sick and needed to go to hospital, and he wasn't home, i'd just have to suffer w/it! Can you believe him!?
He doesn't make time for me or our 2yr old son, unless HE wants to! I am also pregnant w/our 2nd child. I feel so lonely. He also shames me, alot!!! "shame on you", he'd say. He tells me I'm controlling? I think he is! He's so good w/the guilt trips. I told him, ex wouldn't be around to be a friend and help me , if you'd just help alittle and be here for me sometimes. He doesn't know what it means to sacrifice!!!!
I'm torn between leaving him completely and feeling the abuse if we don't fix things. I can't talk to him. We have no intimacy. I feel like his door mat! He will do something nice, only to throw it in my face later! He comes and goes as he wishes. I'm left here waiting to get his calls and see him.
I have no social life, due to illness. He knew I was sick when he married me!!!! Why can't he give alittle? I'm not a priority to him. Heck, even his oldest son is more important. He won't come over til he picks up son from sports practice at 5pm every night!!! The days he works late, the boy has to wait or get a ride home. But I have to wait. I don't like it and feel used. Help me understand. Please! I do love him, but I really don't feel it back! How can I be too needy? Oh,and self help books are stupid, he doesn't need them, he said. I like to read and I was only trying to find answers for us. He shot me down again by knocking my efforts!!!!
Hopeless....