unaffectionate spouse and other problems...

[rachel creed]

Hi,

New here but more or less just venting. My biggest problem is being married to someone who is so unaffectionate that I feel our marriage of
almost 14 years is more like having a roomate. Even though he likes the way we live he gets upset when I say we are like roomates. We also have very little quality time together. I work a standard 40 hour week with an hour commute each way.
He is a musician in a band and is home most days but usually is playing out at
night on the weekends. We also have a 4 1/2 year developmentally disabled boy. I get very frustrated because I feel as though I have no life. My husband and I at this point have nothing in common other than our son who we both love and adore more than anything. The only thing we do together is go to lunch once in a while on a Sunday afternoon. This is getting very tiresome. There is no affection from him what so ever. He thinks it is very silly of a husband to kiss his wife goodbye or show any affection. We have a king sized bed and I must make sure I stay on my side unless we are having sex. If I happen to turn over and accidentally brush his arm or leg it is like I hit him with a branding iron. He is perfectly happy with the way things are as this is what he saw growing up. I on the other hand grew up with parents who enjoyed every second of their lives. I am very unhappy living like this. I have been working for 20 years in my profession and he for the most part has gotten to work from home for that time. He usually goes to bed about an hour after I get home from work and is with the band on the weekends so it is difficult to spend anytime with him. He is also VERY sarcastic towards most people so keeping friends is difficult. I can deal with most of this. I really don't want to get divorced or have to deal with the problems that come with that. This is more of a venting effort that advice seeking. The most important thing will be stressing to my son what a marriage should really be like and that showing affection is not terrible or disgusting.

Thanks for listening.

[JonPaul]

Rachel>
I'm not sure if you want a reply or not since you are just "venting", but I was moved by your post and also have felt this same frustration from time to time in my marriage of 10 1/2 years. You can take this advice or leave it.
I have discovered (through my own painful experience) that there must be mutual accountability and it seems your spouse isn't very accountable to you about his time during the day and weekends. Do you resent him not working and being accountable during the day and wondering what he is doing on weekends during the gigs with the band? I know it certainly would unsettle me and cause doubt and suspicion about where his affections lay. Also, there doesn't seem to be a lot of communication going on here and most likely when you air your grievances you are met with sarcasm and perhaps anger as well. I understand your plight, believe me.
All that being said, it sounds to me that this fellow has too much freedom and isn't being accountable for his actions... he almost sounds like a teenager living at home with Mom and living his fantasy of music superstardom on the weekends. Have you ever thought of making him responsible for paying a reasonable portion of the expenses of the household? If he is going to live like your roomate then he must pay his share. You are enabling him to be lazy and in effect not grow up. I would tell him you are no longer going to be his Mom but want to be his wife. His days should be filled with a job to pay his share and make him accountable. Also, it seems to me that after 14 years as a musician, if he hasn't achieved any significant financial success, chances are that is never going to happen. Music is a young man's game and he isn't getting any younger. It's time to "wake up and smell the coffee".
I know this sounds harsh but adults who live like some teens (lazy, resentful, and isolated) must be given a dose of discipline in a big way. You aren't doing him any favors by complaining but taking no action to force him to fulfill his role as husband. There's no reason he can't play with the band on the weekends, but if he isn't paying for 1/2 the rent ( or reasonable amount)...it's time to do something to force his hand and change his patterns during the day and night.
We all have needs in marriage that must be commincated to our partners but communication isn't always by words only.
I have something written in my Bible that helps me as a husband...it says simply "the pain of discipline doesn't compare to the pain of regret". I pray my posting does not offend you, I have been there before with a spouse and accountability changed our lives.