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gixxerdude72
14th January 2006, 09:37 PM
Hello,
I just got married about a month ago to a wonderful woman. We are faithful christians. We have a lot going on in our lives work, school, three kids, and online college for both of us. I am trying to put all I can in our marriage and she says that she is to busy to spend time with me. We make love maybe once or twice a week if time allows it and I sense that she is not into it at all and I feel like it is killing her to do it. She has turned my want for sex down on numerous occasions and is constantly tired or not feeling good. I want to spend time with my wife and do our devotions and all but most of the time she is to busy to even talk with me. I get so angry and upset and have tried every way to try aand get her to see what is going on and she says that I am pressuring her. I feel like I am last on the list or not even on the list. In the christian faith God comes first then the spouse, the children, and then the worldly stuff. The way it is now is the children come first, then school and if there is time left I come next. I have told her that if she cannot put effort into our marriage then I am going to leave which is not right according to scripture. you are supposed to stay married unless adultery is commited. I love her very much and want our marriage to work but I can't continue to live like this. I have sought a cousler out and we went for a while and things would seem ok for a few days and then back to the way they are now. Please help I am going crazy! We are constantly arguing and there is a lot of animosity. Any suggestions anybody?

Liz
14th January 2006, 10:38 PM
Hello there

You do seem very distressed, but there is something very strange about what you say. You seem to have a very definite picture of what you expect from your wife, which doesn't seem to fit in with my understanding of the Christian way of doing things. It seems very legalistic.

You say that your wife is unreasonable if you only make love a couple of times a week. How many times does it say you should make love in the bible?

You say your wife doesn't seem to enjoy it - then perhaps you are not managing to make it a celebration of your love rather than a duty. If your wife doesn't enjoy love-making surely as a husband you ought to be finding out what you can do to make it so not grumbling because she's not doing her duty!

I have great sympathy for you that you are not happy with the situation but your response seems to be to try and change your wife. She’s not getting things right so she should change…… but I thought in Ephesians 5 the husband was told to love his wife as Christ loved the church, perhaps a study of how Jesus loved people might help you to love your wife better. If you are holding onto anger with your wife and want to leave her, do you not only need to forgive her but also to seek her forgiveness.

Do you know what is the most precious gift Jesus has given me? He died on the cross for me. I was a sinner. He didn’t wait till I was perfect. He didn’t wait till I lived a good life. I wasn’t worth saving – yet he still did it. Your wife may not seem loveable to you, but she is totally and utterly acceptable to God. Surely she should be totally and utterly acceptable to you. Yes there are things you need to work through together but why not start by accepting her where she is rather than where you want her to be.


Liz

andy
20th January 2006, 09:03 PM
A few questions before I can give a complete opinion...
1-Was she previously married? or were you? or were both of you?
2-Where did the three kids come from?

Friend - listen. I think I can relate and can give some very reasonable advice...
If she has been divorced (and as of now, I am just assuming), she has brought with her a large amount of baggage with her. This can be worked through though.

I do not want to start giving my opinion until I know more about yours and her past... Don't you think that her past could be playing a large part on her decisions with you now?

Waiting for you reply.....

gixxerdude72
21st January 2006, 07:18 PM
Andy,
Thank you for your reply. Well we have both been married before I was divorced about three years ago and well for her she has been back and forth from her now ex-husband to me. I met her when she was married to him and did not make wise choices at that time but ended up falling in love with her. She had two children with her previous husband and when her and I were dating she ended up getting pregnant with my child. When she found out that she was pregnant she just up and left with her ex-husband and didnt let me know where she was going. I went to counseling and all and had accepted the fact that I could do nothing about it. A year had passed and out of the blue I recieved a text message on my phone that she was coming into town and wanted to know if I wanted to see my son. I was shocked to say the least. Anyway to make a long story short we ended up getting back together and eventually got married. I became a christian after all of this had happened. I feel as if she just wanted me back to help her with the raising of my child and her other two, not because she really loves me. I feel like she is going to use me until we get a house and all and then sock it to me. We are getting ready to move into out new home in a couple of weeks and I am very reluctant to do so with her the way things are now between us. She says she has dealt with everything but we both know that is not true. I have dealt with my past and have no baggage. I know what that is all about because I am a recovering addict and she is also. We met in the program that we are both a part of. She has 20 years sobriety and I have 4 years. I am very unhappy the way things are going only a month into our marriage. She is putting her school work and her children ahead of anything that we do. She never compliments me on anything nor shows appreciation for what I do. I have done everything when it comes to the housee and credit situation and she talks more to her ex-husband than me. She says it is about the kids but I have caught her crying to him on the phone about how stressed she is and all. She just throws a fit when I mention anything about it. Her kids don't even really respect me and she doesn't seem to care. I have tried to tell her that this is bothering me and all she says is that I am expecting to much from her. I expect her to place our marriage before her school work and our marriage is more important and she says that I want her to quit school and that I don't want her to suceed. She is always to tired to make love or to do our couple devotions but if she has school work to do she doesn't mind staying up to 1 or 2 in the morning, but if she doesn't have work to do then she will go to bed at 8 or 9 because she is tired. She claims to want to live according to what the bible says but she is only doing that when it comes to her kids and herself, not our marriage. I have told her that I can't continue to live like this and she doesn't care at all. Whenever she finally gives in to having sex the attitude that I get from her is, hurry up and get it over with so I can go to sleep. She is not interested in intimacy at all. As long as her and the kids and her school work are getting taken care of that is alll that matters. She has never initiated sex nor spending time together. I am at the point of giving up, I told her if things keep going this way that we will end up getting divorced. She says, go ahead and curse this marriage. I have also told her that temptation can take over if there is no affection or intimacy in a relationship and she yells, well go **** somebody else then. I know that her ex-husband did a lot to her but I am not him. I have never given her any reason to distrust me. I hope that this has answered your questions. Feel free to ask all you want and again thank you for your feedback I look forward to your reply.

andy
27th January 2006, 08:47 PM
First of all - for you to mention her biblical duties is ridiculous. From what you have posted, you seem to want to use your faith to get what you want from her. It seems as if she lives under the threat of you leaving UNLESS she performs...and that is probably what it feels like to her... a performance.

There is no perfect marriage. Please consider reading the book LOVE AND RESPECT (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1591452465/2in21) by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs. If she is unwilling to read it, then you read it first... a change in your behavior towards her can only have a more positive effect.

What do you want? Sex? or a wife who loves you and wants to be with you... The second takes work.

Also, experience has shown me that people take YEARS to recover from a divorce. The pain is often hidden and manifests itself a decade later...

Andy

medikel
17th February 2006, 06:15 AM
First, I would just like to say that adultery is not the only reason God allows divorce! God doesn't want us to live in an abusive relationship either. However, we are to try to do what we can, sometimes it's just out of our hands. We can't change the other person, only ourselves.

I understand about feeling "last on the list". I am going through that with my husband as well. I am curious about the part that you said she was crying on the phone to her ex. It sounds like she relies on him for emotional support. You need to, as much as it hurts you, let off of the pressure to have sex w/you. I'm sure you've tried to talk to her. But keep trying. In the mean time, try to stay positive and pray, pray, pray. Not just for her, but for God to open your eyes to anything you may be doing or not doing.
Take care.
Medikel

Jonas
8th May 2006, 09:59 PM
you are supposed to stay married unless adultery is commited.

I just like to comment on this one sentence. The passsage that many base this believe on is Matthew 19:9 where Jesus says:

"Now I am saying to you that
whoever should be dismissing his wife
(not for prostitution) and should be marrying another,
is committing adultery, and he who marries her
who has been dismissed,
is commiting adultery."

This verse doesn't say that a husband should divorce his wife when she committed prostitution, or is allowed to do so. What Jesus says here is a simple statement (and no injunction or commandment) as to when either of the two parties involved do or don't commit adultery. This verse doesn't give the man a license or the right to divorce his wife should she commit prostitution. Jesus doesn't say, "You are supposed to dismiss your wife whenever she commits prostitution."

Jonas

martin123
31st July 2006, 08:47 PM
The first three paragraphs of Liz`s reply was spot on. Well done Liz:cool:

Here`s something else for you gixxerdude72 to consider and, I hope, seriously think about.
Do you really believe that your god comes before your children? Your own flesh and blood? If that is not a moraly evil belief then I don`t know what is.:mad::mad::mad::mad: May your god forgive you.
And I`m sure many of you will disagree with me. Remember though, there is a rapidly growing number of people in this world who would agree with me. People who put true morality before unquestionable beliefs. May thier numbers continue to grow so that peace can return to our world.

My best regards to all GOOD people.