My husband is dying and pushing me away!

[Angelika]

Dear All,
I have previously posted in "marriage help" - Will I get my husband back?

He left me in January and yet I know that there was something wrong with him. He has always maintained that he loves me and I love him so very much. He got angry when I said he did not love me and kept on saying he did not dump me it was not that simple.

It turns out he has a brain tumor, cancer and he cannot be treated. He can try radiation, but he does not have to. 3 months to a year is what he has left. He is paralysed, his brain is not functioning and he is killing me too.

He has gone to his parents because he does not want me to have to put up with this. He wants me to be happy and have a life. He does not talk me, nor does he want to see me.

I want to tell him that if he can do one more good thing in this life that he has to let me back in and that I will be brave and I will carry on, but not until he is gone. I need to remember the man I loved and the man who loved me. How can I make him understand that he is making it all so much worse for me.

I need him to be there for me while he still can. Is that wrong?

Please, please what shall I do?

Love, Angelika

[Kate]

Dear Angelika

How sad for you both. I think some people think they are being helpful protecting a loved one like this, but I can understand that you want to be there for him. However when I read your posting a second time you seemed to be saying you wanted him to be there for you. When he is facing such terrible suffering then don't his needs come first most of the time?

I am sure that you are already beginning to grieve for him. You might like to fidn a bereavement counsellor to help you to know how to approach things.

Have you thought of writing him a letter telling him how you feel and how you want to be there for him?

Remember that you can always pray for him even when you are apart, but I hope that you can find a way to have some contact with him, so there can be some healing and understanding between you.
Kate

[Angelika]

Hi Kate,

Please if you read my thread then you will understand. My husband knew he was ill and connected with a person who was equally ill in the past. He is now pushing away everyone he has an emotional connection with and that includes his parents, sisters and me.
He is operating on two levels: A) the affinity with a person who was ill herself and b) no emotional connection with this person i.e. no responsibility.

Yes Kate, I agree he is ill, confused, scared and all the rest. BUT when he joins God we still all have to live and we have to live with rejection, anger and all that goes with loving someone who does not want to be loved back.

I can live with God taking him, but I can't live with some woman being a guiding light to him, a woman who agreed to take a back seat, but has not and who knows that neither his parents (who are caring for him) nor me will have a chance while she is their.

How do you deal with that?

I totally agree with you on that he is the one that matters now, but what about us? What about the love and the hurt that we are feeling? I know you will say let go and let him do what he wants to do and what he is comfortable with. BUT I will remind him of everything he ever wanted, everything he had and everything he could have all the same. Dying is no excuse to hurt other people, but a chance to put things right.

The day he dies is the day I will die. I waited a long time to find time and whe I did I had to wait a little longer, yet I know that I will always wait for him and when God decides I will be with him again.

Love and peace to all of you. I am truly blessed and I know it and God's Will will see me right.
Angelika

[Kate]

Dear Angelika

I'm sorry that I didn't remember the details from your other thread. It must be really hard that your husband is turning to someone else at this time. People do seem to do some strange things when they are unwell. I remember my grandmother being very unkind in her last few months to my Mum, while extolling the virtues of the home help who could do know wrong. I can still remember the pain my mother felt.

I am not saying let go and let him do what he wants to do. I agree that you should try and use any opportunites you have to bring some healing into all your lives. I think what I am saying is not to expect too much because of the stress he is under.

I think the challenge that my Mum faced was to face her feelings honestly and then to learn to forgive her mum. In her case it was perhaps easier becuase of the good memories of the happiness of their relationship when Gran was younger. The challenge for you is that the Lord is asking you to forgive someone who has been unpleasant for some time and who may well never ask you for forgiveness. The Lord understands how difficult that is - He too has been there.

I pray that you will find comfort in the knowledge that He does understand your pain and heartache.

Kate