Is my marriage over now I have found out my husband has been with a prostitute !

[nessiew]

I hope someone can help me with advice on the following.
My husband and I will have been married 6 years on Sunday, been together 8. we have four lovely young children. This last year has been terrible.. most of our married life there have been issues with porn secretly smuggled into the house by my husband, he knows how upset I am by it not because I am a prude but it is the way he waits till I am in bed or out of the house before watching it in any form, DVD, internet on his mobile.. it became a problem when our sex life suffered as a result of him climaxing over this stuff rather than coming near me, ( I have never refused, although there have been times during pregnancy or with new babies that it hasn't been regular) . My greatest fear was that it wouldn't be enough for him, with his head filled with this rubbish I started to imagine that when we were together he was elsewhere ( if you know what I mean) . Things came to a head last christmas when I caught him yet again sorting himself out whilst watching a DVD, I threatend that if he didn't put a stop to it I would leave and we had an almighty row and he admitted he felt he did have a problem as it was becoming an obsession.. In the January he turned forty and from then on he became very withdrawn for no reason, irratible and moody and became unbearable to live with and i didn't understand why- I tried to speak with him but to no avail, In the Easter I found on his mobile a number that appeared loads of times I rang this number and it turned out to be a female ex work colleague who I knew had the hots for him, she denied anything had happend but said my husband was pestering her all the time.. from december to March.. We had a huge row and he left for a couple of nights , I decided as nothing had happend to get over it and we carried on -things were still not right.and it wasn't really discussed again. In the meantime a male colleague at my work was paying attention to me and I have to admit that I had a brief affair, it wasn't something I did lightly and I knew what I was doing was wrong, I was racked with guilt and couldn't deceive my husband although I was still unhappy at home, he eventually found out about it and shrugged it off, didn't want to know why, didn;t want to even talk about our relationship -I did try to speak to him.. his behaviour was odd . within a week we had a really big argument about it and he admitted that back in January whilst having his text fling.. he had been to visit a prostitue where she performed a sex act on him, and therefore he knew he had broken our marriage vows first.. I know what I have done is unjustifible, but I am so angry and hurt that he visited this hooker... and that his actions changed him into the man he became to which I still feel , pushed me in the direction I went in.. I found this out about five weeks ago, we were supposed to go for counselling and he was going to get help on his problems,, but nothing happend we trickled back into the same routine .. I am suffocating being around him as he disgusts me, he isn't the man I thought he was and yesterday I told him it was over.. He has now gone... Do you think this is repairable or is best to call it a day..

[angewink]

Life brings surprises for us. What happens already happened and now both of you need to decide if you can forgive each one. In this case, it is even and agreement can be reached if you both love each one despite this event and desire to be together. You both reacted in anger. He was first, but why, maybe something was missing? There is not fire without a spark. Man feels that what is forgiven for him isn’t forgiven for woman. This is why he reacts in this way. It is a Marc nature, whereas Venus thinks different. Look on all from different angle and you will see cause. Keep asking yourself and try to answer truly to your self. In relationships, guilt is on both sides, maybe with some shift. Ask yourself tough questions without anger and resentment for him. Answer is there and solution is there as well. Falling-in-love sex is different from the being-in-love sex. You both can have and create loving and intimate relationships.

[jodie]

your husband has crossed the line too many times,although he knows you dont like the idea of having porn he still took it into your house and used it behind your back.not only has he betrayed you by doing this ,he has an ex-colleagues number in his phone who is denying anythng but knowing he's a married man with a family, has still given him her number.as for the prostitute, well thats just dead man walking he has a family who loves him and he still goes elsewhere for sexual pleasures,he hasnt bothered going to counselling even though he has previously admitted to having a problem, most likely because he wanted to get you off his back.My advice to you is to try the counselling one more time, if your still willing to give him a chance, but if not...get rid cos your on a one way street and theres no one beside you.x.x.x.chin up.x.

[saint_gb]

nessie,
most men grow up with extremely repressed sexuality and insecurity. that's what makes them seek out porn and solicit commercial sex. i'm saying this not to condone what your hubby's done, but to suggest it may not be as personal to you as you feel.
however, if inspite of your efforts to understand and sort out, if he's regressing to his old ways, you have no option left but to walk out. start building your bridges to a dignified independent (and hopefully soon, full of love & intimacy) life.
cheers
~saint

[markus]

In my opinion you can sort this out together and make your relationship better than ever
a lot of coucillors are useless so .....

get books by phil mcgraw

theres another two good ones below but cant remember the authors
'surviving infidelity ' and 'not just friends '

[cjayfrancis]

Pray and ask God to show the man of God who can help you with your marriage. Don't be a loser. Win your husband back. You're not the only one going thru this. I am too. His sins are not worst than a smokers sins. It affects everyone around him includeing himself. Help him, Love him, do what he wants, make him happy, forgive him. He's a man, we don't understand men. We are women. God made us different, but together we become one. Work on becoming one. Ask Jesus to save you from your sins and then pray for him to save your husband from his sins. That is why Christ died, to save us from our sins. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. so stop looking at his sins and look at your own. I'm sure you have a lot like I do like taking your husband for granted, not having dinner done on time, paying more attention to your kids, your needs, what you want to do, and not paying a lot of attention to your husband. Nagging, always bothering him to do something, always complaining instead of praising him. I am guilty. Marriage is a work. work on these things. Save your souls and your family souls. Or when you die the bible says ever knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Make him your Lord while you are still alive. Lord is the governor and ruler of your life. Thank you for allowing me to preach to you and myself. It heals the pain sand gives hope. Gods love rains on the just and the unjust. Do whorish men not get rain when good wives do. No we all get rain. So treat your husband like his is good and look over his foughts.

[1aokgal]

It is never over so long as you have those children to raise until age 18 you will be parents together. If your love for him is dead then you won't work on the issues. When a woman cheats most men cannot forgive whereas women historically will beleive and give the man another chance if he repents. It is how good he covers his tracks with you that is whether the marriage is over.

I think he realizes he has an obsession with the porn and he is troubled by this, that is where the counselling/understanding comes into it. When there are children involved you try to work things out as there are enough mixed up kids from broken homes. Was he from a broken home? What is the background that might make him insecure about his sexuality? Was there abuse in his childhood? You both have got to stop raising voices, slamming doors and act like two adults who loved each other.

Talk about the issues. You were wrong and did..payback. Most men have trouble to forgive a cheating wife as you are the mother, nest builder. keeper of home fire. You can work through the issues. Put the love first and forgive. Try it. It is worthwhile to save. It will take some work and both need to change. Make a pact. Make promises you intend to keep and see if it can work.
Good luck.

[Raymond]

Nessiew, sounds like your husband has become addicted to pornography (mental adultery I call it). You can forgive but he can only receive it if he is resolved to change. Your instincts are bang on as this stuff does affect the intimacy between couples in a big way. It can stay in you head when you are having sex and it can feel like there are other people there which is true in his head, but it is amazing how you can feel this. I am not surprised.

I will tell you now he will have a big battle to overcome this stuff. I get the feeling he may have tried but was obknoxious during his probable withdrawal. He needs your co-operation if he is going to do it. He may be difficult but you will know why if he is sharing with you.

These things become habits. At certain times of the day in your free time you do things and they become automatic habits which have to be changed. Check out the sources which may be computer, mobiles and even TV these days, but as it is usually a secretive thing it will be computer and mobile I should think. Deal with one at a time (this is for him) and become conscious of what you are doing. Refrain from the websites and certain words that facilitate searches. This will take time and self discipline but it can be done. If he is not willing to fight he is unlikely to win. This is becoming a massive thing which is affecting thousands of marriages and because it is sexual it is on a par with adultery albeit mental.

I wish you all the help you can get. Remember it doesn't reflect on you he has simply given into temptation. It can happen to any of us. Don't let it affect your self esteem. Keep posting.

Raymond

[nessiew]

Dear Raymond

It is nearly 2 years since I posted about my difficult marriage on this site and am amazed that as things are still very difficult and I found the need to come back here, my post was still showing on the main header. I have read the feedback and feel very sad that although the route I took was to try and build on our marriage, my husband sadly has continued to bury his ehad in the sand, he does not talk, converse or help me in a mental way to move on, truth be known I am stale mate and in exactly the same position as I was 2 years ago.. what do i do.. I was given a life to enjoy surely, a life to call my own, but it simply feels at this moment in time I am here to give everyone else in my family the happy life they seek.. How can a partner in a relationship feel so lonely, so un-loved . so un-desirable.. I tell you now I am a good looking lady I have had many great experiences in my life.. but with this partner I feel dead, He cannot open up to me, the past two years have been wiped under the carpet, never mentioned, never spoken about.. I am so frustrated I could scream !!, but I can't leave I am trapped, I can't leave because of the children and the finances ( I have two business I run , that are both in their early stages and don't reap enough profit yet) these business;s are my future life line.. If i succeed in those then I can go, I coudl ask my husband to leave now I know, but where would he go and how would he cope, from past experience he couldn't and he is the father of my children, i don't want to be spiteful to him but he is seriously destroying my soul.. What advice can you give Please !!

[Raymond]

Hi Nessiew. I wrote last night then lost it all when I posted.

I feel for you that you are going through this still two years later. Pornography is a killer of intimacy, a mental adultery and I personally believe it affects a man's character as well. Is he still continuing in this? If one diverts their God given sexual drive to other places it is no wonder that the physical intimacy disappears. There seems to be a complete lack of regard for your feelings in this. He has killed the marriage himself it seems. I detect that you still have some feelings for him in the sense that a seperation would leave him unable to cope.

Then you have the problem of the financial dependency albeit it temporary and the well being of your children to consider. It sounds like catch 22 to me. You have made every effort to put into the marriage with no fruit to show for it.

Whether you leave him or not is not my decision but it is time to look for yourself and your children, to strengthen yourself for what might come in the future, but still hoping that he will change.

You need all the wisdom that you can get Nessiew. I think you deserve a medal for the way you are holding the family together and still considering your husband for the sake of the children. I hope you have friends and family to relate to so that you are not completely locked into this.

I,m sorry I don't have the answers in this Nessiew. If it was me I would pray and get God's mind on it, but I know that this is alien to some. All I can do is give you lots of hugs down the line (brotherly of course) and hope you will steer the right course through it all.

Raymond

[danielx]

Hello nessiew,

This situation is irreparable, if you both believe that. If you are both willing to try to make it work, then you both have a chance.

The porn is really not important. For some reason, there seems to be a belief that it is some big monster destroying marriages. It is not - in most cases it is symptomatic of other problems and focusing on it will only make the problem worse.

Your husband's problem, as I see it, is that essentially he has not matured sufficiently that he can effectively manage the interpersonal relationship that has to exist within a marriage. It, along with your needs as a woman, is something that he feels that he cannot cope with. Pornography gives him a sexual outlet which he believes is within his ability to control. Likewise, using a prostitute again puts him in a situation where he can feel in charge. The relationship which might have been a threat to you - that with the ex-work colleague - he seems to have been unable to manage. Conversely, and perhaps ironically, you did succeed in an affair with a work colleague. Your infidelity was actually more successful than his, since he could only achieve his by paying for it.

I think he feels threatened by your successes.

Your husbands behavior seems to be adolescent. He is failing to maintain a proper adult relationship with yourself; a real woman and has to resort to pornography and masturbation to satisfy himself. The fact that this is unacceptible to you, reinforces the schoolboy mentality making it something 'naughty' which needs to be hidden and, therefore, in itself more exciting. You are slipping into the role of his mother, or some other authority figure and thus reinforcing patterns of behavior.

He does not feel that anything really needs to change, he is prevaricating and avoiding facing up to the problems that exist (another adolescent trait).

From the current position that you are both taking, I cannot see that anything is likely to change. I do not think you will get him to the marriage counsellor, not in mind and body - because I do not see that he feels the need for it.

You need a partner, not another child - he is not acting like a good role model to your children. Perhaps counselling will help you to find a way forward, even if he is not interested in going with you.

I wish you well.

DX

[nessiew]

Daniel

Thank you for you very acurate response to the posting I made back in 2005.. as you can see I am still here with the occasional post as I did decide to give things another try with my partner. A few things you said do still ring alarm bells with me, the main factor being that my husband is viewed by myself as one of my children and not a dependable Partner for me.I literally run the household, two business's and have my own outside hobbies, where he doesn't really have any friends or social interaction with others which make our relationship slightly limited in the conversation department as well as any sense of fun.. the main reason for still being here is the 5 children we have 4 of which are still very young under the age of 7 !! and for financial reasons. I sometimes feel very lonely in my marriage and feel unable to put any more effort into it, it is on par with flogging a dead horse.I doubt very much if anything will change and therefore manage to get by on creating a life within a life if you see what i mean. I do feel I am missing out though it must be great to have a partner that would make me feel cherished, safe and secure and manage our family as head of the household instead of being second in line..I am a strong person and realise that my husband feels slightly in my shadow, but he hasn't helped matters by doing the things he did and being lazy in not trying with me and taking an easier route out ie: in the bedroom department.. He doesn't have much empathy or knowledge of how I feel, even if I spell it out he doesn't know how to make me feel better as an example I lost a dear friend of mine earlier this year at the age of 40 and she left 3 little kids.. after the funeral I came home and as you can imagine was feeling very low, he asked me what the traffic was like on the motorway !! and then I had a health scare and for a week I was consumed with worry and fright, the only thing he could say to me was " I bet you are worried".. do you see where I am coming from it is so frustrating.. what comes naturally between a couple doesn't exist in our relationship and I feel that my spirit and soul are slowly being ebbed away.. But what can I do, you can't change a person.. I have to live for each day and try and think to a brighter future..
I did think at one point he may have Aspergers syndrome which is a form of autism that affects social interaction and the unspoken knowledge of feelings for others.. this would explain a few things but wouldn't actually help the situation.. Two years on i still fume over the prostitute incident and have ag ut feeling it wasn't the first time..I find this a particular problem in the bedroom as he tends to go through the same routine which I imagine he did when he paid for it..but thats another story, just having a sound off on here helps..
Best wishes
Vanessa

[danielx]

Vanessa,

I am sorry. When I replied I did not realise that the post was over two years old - I have only come to the site recently and I did not realise that it was an old thread being resurrected two years later. The fact that there were few replies on it tended to reinforce the belief that it was a recent thread.

In some ways, I am sorry to hear that you are back with him: it would seem that, despite your relative successes, he has nonetheless actually won. What can you do? I don't know, but I would think you have to break the pattern somehow. Does he really have no interests other than porn?

Perhaps it is his self-esteem which is the issue here. Despite everything, you are still taking on the responsibilities and coping surprisingly well. From what you say, you are a strong and capable woman. I do not think that he recognises, or believes, that there is a weaker more vulnerable side to you. If he does not believe it, then he may be unable to see it even when he should.

Best wishes,

DX

[Alice Alice]

Dear DanielX

About your view on porn and how you feel that the root of the problem is deeper then porn
I agree

My Husband has a problem with porn because he has issues with women he had a bad example for a mom ...she is a good person but so was Hitler he loved his pet dog took care of his family i bet he even shed a tear when he was listening to opera.( ok i know i'm pushing it here...but you get the idea)

I'm a good person too but is it right for me to do wrong things because i have problems

Porn isn't the big bad monster its just stupid entertainment and the actors in the porn industry have front row seats to how stupid it is there is no value or talent in leaning your head back and making fake sounds ahhhh ohhhhh ahhhhh ohhhhh

Porn is like a drug it takes you away.... weeeee i'm in cloud 9

So when that's all over the porn user is back in reality and what is reality for any addict be it porn or drugs booze?
reality is they feel like crap about their life again after all that they still haven't been dealing with "there real problem"

There is a process in healing first get off the addiction so you can focus on your problem

i was like you DanielX at one time i thought porn was harmless...but the difference was i thought it wasn't for me because it was stupid i have enough stupid things to deal with in life why would i want to subject myself to this kind of "outlet"

Sorry if i sound like i'm a bit ticked off
i can show you a web sight about the damage porn has caused put together by people who were into porn be it clients or the porn actors themselves

[loop]

Sorry Love But Get Rid That Line He As Well Stepped Over It

[1aokgal]

Dear Vanessa,

The truth of your marriage is the man is not very bright. You do not have an intellectual equal and he feels intimidated and has poor impulse control as he got his from some porn and went to a prostitute. She did what you will not. You may not be very fun in the bedrom as the TSK-TSk of your disapproval is loud and clear. You are unequally yoked, as they say.

The burden rests on you and you can't have it both ways. If you want to act like his mother, you send him into regression and as Daniel said, "adolescent behavior. " I'd say spiteful behavior, and it comes as a way to pay you back from the superiority he feels comes with you. You are living on his dollar and the embryo of the things in your business have not made it possible for your independence.

So as long as you need to be supported by him and with two small children, things will not change. It was a marriage perhaps of convenience and an attraction that does not survive the truth of your individual differences. He was probably a lot of fun at the beginning. Kids and problems and the fact he feels you judge him makes him feel inadequate and he will play where he feels appreciated. If his intelligence is above that of motor oil he still sounds like a man who loves you and his family. Yes, he is in your shadow and I am sure you love it.

The ball is in your court to get yourself financially set and to make your way out of the marriage. Either that, or you come to peace with his limitations, put some effort into soothing his ego and building him up, so he will be a good boy and a happy camper. There are worse marriages out there, so the field probably is not greener. Some work into the marriage on your part and you may save the day. I don't think he is porn addicted, I think he feels your disapproval and seeks an admirer.... even a paid one. You can't keep hammering him in the head for that escapade which is long over. Pity he told you, as it gave you a cause to continue to beat up on him because you look down on him. Yet he is the one who keeps the payments made.

That is kind of sad overall, when you say you feel so alone and so does he. You must have seen something in him in the beginning? Not everyone can marry a brain surgeon. I also don't buy the affair you had as getting back at him. You did what you wanted to do. Your attitude leaves a lot to desire because you see it all as around you and you don't see the effort you need to make for a good life together.

You can't bemoan your situation when he is on the other side of the wall you erected. He is probably a very nice man and uncomplicated and basic. The guy would be happy with a pat on the head if you chose to come down off your tuffet. This is the material you have to work with and it is probably as good as the next. I bet he is a big supporter of everything you do. It is YOU who might make some changes. He supports you and cares about your welfare, but you say he disgusts you. That is poor payback for the dollar he puts on your plate.

Let him be the hero in his home. Teach him what you want in the bedroom. If he has the intelligence of motor oil he can learn. This is as workable as many marriages get and not half bad. Your glass is half full. You have a willing candidate who is trainable.

I think you could save this one with some work and love greater than yourself.

[Serenity]

Nessie,
I know its a while since your first post but I just came across it while surfing the net for some advice about my own disasterous relationship. Reading your post was like looking at my own life. I've been with my partner for 25 years, when i met him I thought i had found my soul mate, he seemed the most caring and trustworthy person anyone could meet. Six weeks after our first child was born he didn't come home after work. This was totally out of the blue, i called the police when it came to 2am, i honestly thought he had been attacked or something. He eventually came home at 5am, i was frantic. Everything came out then.....he had been walking round the red light area, not only that but he told me he had regularly visited ever since being with me. That was eighteen years ago, since then we tried to stick together, he was diagnosed with OCD and depression, he was addicted to porn, buying magazines and reading them in secret, he was plagued with obsessive thoughts about sex with prostitutes. We eventually divorced, at the time it was such a relief for me,i struggled to bring up 2 kids on my own, but i was still friends with my ex, looking back on it that was a mistake......i should have cut myself away from him, but i suppose i still loved him underneath it all.We lived apart for a few years, he was a regular visitor though and seemed to be better, he told me that the OCD was under control and he had 'grown up'. We got back together again......a new start.......BIG MISTAKE.

2 weeks after living together he did it again, he disappered turning up in the early hours. He'd been 'talking' to prostitutes. I'm now in the situation that I'm living with someone who is totally unaware of my feelings, he blames me for raking up the past when i try to discuss my worries about his behaviour. I'm unable to leave as i too have a small business which does not bring in enough money to live on. I'm totally reliant on his income to survive. I've never talked about any of this to friends.....probably coming across as settled and happy, although my family knows they don't talk about it much. I've gone through the stage of crying myself to sleep, when i know hes downstairs on the computer, i don't want to think about what he's doing.

He's now found religion, gone back to the catholic church. I've never been particularly religious but i cant see how you can w**k off to a porn movie and then pray to god. His moods are unpredictable, both me and the kids are scared to upset the balance by not agreeing with everything he says. The kids want him to leave, but i knw financially we couldn't survive, I've spent four years studying for a degree and trying to build up a business, i don't want to jeopordise that. He wants to get married to me again because he believes that he's living 'in sin'. His new tactic is to blackmail me that if we don't marry he'll make sure i'm finished financially.
I'll NEVER marry him. I'm now living in denial, i know this relationship is totally destructive, verging on mental cruelty, i feel totally trapped. I've often felt like running away, or even driving off a bridge, but I'd never put my kids through that. I've tried to talk to him about the way i feel but he doesn't take me seriously.

I can't see any alternative to my life, i can only try to build up my business enough to be financially independent and try to ignore his behaviour for the time being. He's having councelling now for his OCD........I'm not very optimistic though.

[Raymond]

I think you have to end this business Serenity. Not only is he an adulterer and pornography addict but he makes threats as well that if you don't marry him he will break you financially. Add to this his hypocrasy of using religion and still doing porn and you have a devastating cocktail. I think you need to get out fast. Porn is always a mental adultery but this fellow has taken it to a new level it seems. I don't think you can blame OCD as watching porn is a moral decision. We all have to live by our decisions and he has made his. I think if you let him stay until you get financially stable they will be wasted years and affect you even more than it has now. He could affect your children as well. What he does will affect your whole house.

My counsel is to get out fast while you can.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Does it occur to you that all these years he could also expose you to a deadly sexually transmitted disease? You think he just "walks around" red light areas? Don't be in denial about that fact.

It seems that in your insecurity to support yourself, you bring home a lot of turmoil into your childrens' lives to kill time until maybe..possibly..you get it together. Listen, MOST women have been in your spot...a marriage in the trenches, a life that is moving on and a dependent situation with children. Good. Don't marry him again. You are still leading him down the yellow brick road as a family when your agenda is to be dependent and let him pull the big boat. Unfair to all involved. He is going to get VERY angry one day and pull the plug when you least expect it on you and the children.

You are there for the overhead. He is there thinking you forgave him and it is business as usual. That just has to end. Cut your losses and go look for a job with what you have in ability and talent and start your calendar for independence day. He is a tight angry man who is combustible, as you are not playing with the truth. You are all walking around on tippy-toes so you do not disturb him and he blows up at you and the kids.

That is so destructive and unsafe for your childrens' emotional health and your physical well being. I think you know the answer before you put it out here. You both need to call that one as a loss. He is a driven, emotionally unstable person and it will not work without lots of counselling and truth. Hint. After 18 years it is NOT going to change. That is why you don't say those magic words again. You know that.

Get an EXIT plan and see if you have a network of help as parents, family, a friend who can split a place. First , talk to employment center and see what is there for you. What do you need to do to improve that? What can you depend on from him? Child support, temporary maintenance??? Get a plan. I don't think that is the end of your life, but it sure does not make sense to waste your years in a miserable, unhappy relationship. Desire better for yourself and better for the kids.

You are a smart lady and maybe you have more going than you know. Sounds like insecurity robs you of positive belief in your own ability to make it without him. You should never have gone backwards. I guess that was because you thought you had to keep a safety net. Be your own safety net. I hope I am not too harsh. I have been in your shoes.