Husband V children

[scotlass]

I have been married for 27 years ups and downs but always thought I loved my husband.Now our 4 children are reaching an age wehen they are branching out on their own 23,21,20 and 17 have more time for each other and life could be good.However my husband cant stand having kids around for more than a short time.They have to do as they are told when they are told and carry out chores around the house as and when he demands.They have lived away at university and find it hard to come back and fit in to his regime.I am not allowedto shopping or out for long times with the girls, I am timed and told to be back at a certain time,as he needs to spend time with me.He argues with them and has called one of the girls horrible names about her weight and looks If I am not back from work,shops on time there is trouble, if I go to anything outside the house there is frosty return I have become quite sociable overs the years as the kids grew but he has got worse and only wants to be with me, kids not allowed to sit at night wioth us because they talk and laugh and he wants to be alone.One of the kids is having counscelling because of the way his dad treats people at home and is depressed cos his dad got on with him as he played the game and did as he was told, but is finding it hard.He blew and told his dad what he thought his dad has ignored him and actively refuses to acknowledge his existence.I am finding myself cold to my husband and I love my kids dearly, they think I am sitting on the fence,I try to talk to my husband but he is right they are wrong.I want to leave HelpI feel angry I didnt have kids to kick them out at 18!

[poppy]

Why are you still in this marriage? What will you be left with when all the children have left home for good? Would you prefer to be on your own then, or still with your H? but pretty alienated from all your kids, because of him. This is what you have to consider. No matter how much our children love us, they GO. And they have their own lives, as you know already. They don't want a parent they feel obligated to and we don't want children that feel responsible for us. So you have to weigh everything up. Do you think you would be happier on your own, away from this stupid selfish man. And how can you allow someone who does not deserve your respect, to have such control over you.

My guess is that your life has revolved pretty much around your kids through of all of your marriage. Your kids are what makes life worthwhile, whilst they are kids. When they are gone, what are you left with? I think you need to seriously think of getting out now. If you leave it any later, you will not have the courage. Get some legal advice. Keep posting. Others will have views entirely different to mine, I am sure.

[Valerie]

Scotlass, your husband hasn't reached the point where he feels that your children fill an empty space in your life that cannot be replaced. My opinion, the CHILDREN. Children never leave. They are in our lives and hearts FOREVER. They are family, and they will multiply and you will have grandchildren, whom you will wish to be a part of. You mentioned one child was seventeen. This child feels uncomfortable coming HOME. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT????? There's no question here. This child was placed here by you, and the father, and they need their parents. FOREVER. Not until 18. I spent five years single, and planned for more, just so my beautiful three girls would not have to adjust to another man in their life, someone else's orders and dicipline. We slept together, ate together, laughed, planned. I missed nothing. Every time one had a new moment, the first shave of the arm pit, the legs, scholl functions, the first date. The calls with boys, and peers. I assured myself it would be me who wasn't to allow my time taken from them. When my older two moved on, I felt the life suck out of me. But the memories, no one can replace. NO ONE. I'll do it over and over again. My fiance, knows that when my oldest graduates military boot camp in another state, I'll be there, when she marries, I'll be there. He can wait, or he can go, but when my babies call, I"LL BE THERE.

[poppy]

You know something scotlass, Valerie is SO RIGHT!

[scotlass]

Thanks for the advise you have all given me It's what I have been thinking for the last few months.My kids are so important to me they are my life.I had dedicated 14 years being a housewife I have returned to a job that I love and fulfills me he feels threatened by this.His own upbringing is so similar to what our kids are experiencing you would think he had learnt. I can be independant,its him that needs me Hes diabetic and depressive and thats part of his problem.Its just a matter of how and when! easier said than done.I cant be physical with him as he doesnt listen to anyone.I can see my marriage just dying but as you all say,loose my kids as well NO CHANCE!!Thank you again.

[jools]

You're right, his depression is his problem, but it's the family's problem too. When my H's depression was particularly bad he couldn,t stand it if our daughters started larking about or laughing. He'd get really irritated by it and i'd be shooting them cross looks to try to keep them quiet. It's not nice. It's a horrible way to live. Your H's desire to be left alone, to be on his own is something that my husband has felt. It's the depression. I think my husband is getting gradually better (I hope!). He's certainly happier and more relaxed with the girls. He's more likely to laugh when they're laughing rather than be ittitated by it. Is there no chance that your husband could have his depression treated?
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[scotlass]

What did you do Jools to help the situation did you feel like walking away?How did you explain it to your kids?

[Valerie]

Scotlass, take you H on a special trip in your city where there are boys and girls homes. Stay all day and learn about those kids with him. Find out about the reasons why they are there and where are their families. Take hin to foster facilities and let the kids tell him what they want the most. They'll talk about who goes to theri school events, and what means most to them about wishing for families. Place a little guilt in him. THen take him to the city facilities wher you meet great people who have cancer, missing legs and arms, and have them express their thoughts about their diseases and limitations. You'll find people who wish they had body parts to touch, hug and caress their kids, yet they don't let it limit the happiness on their faces and smiles. They don't miss a moment of being able to be surrounded by the love of having a family. He's apparently been spending too much time for himslef, and has no idea what others must go through, yet they are there. S***, make him volunteer. he'll get to be a part of their lives, and wish he could do more, then remember his family and wish he could cath up times he missed wrapped up in his own depression. THis is an illness that does not discrimite, economical status, nor familial bonds, and ties. He needs to conquer this and fight those demons. He needs to stay up shore, in order to never allow those demons to come back seven times. He must hit the spot where it hurts and look into the mirror. Stand behind him when he begins to see, so that somewhere along the line, he'll notice, he missed you too. But you where there for the kids, you held it all together. He owes you this. He owes you effort.

[jools]

Hi Scotlass
As a matter if interest, how long has your H been like this? I know that there was a dramatic change in my H about 2 and a half years ago (the details are on my original thread "Can you get back feelings"). I've never felt like walking away because i've been so scared of losing him. Possibly you've been living with this for a lot longer. The hardest part was getting him to see this as depression. I think he's more accepting of this now, though it's not something that's easily addressed. He is quite happy to take various supplements that are supposed to help. He's sleeping better and seems more comfortable in the whole family setting. Things have improved with the children, though I wouldn't say that we are completely out of the woods yet. Our sex life is more frequent than it has been for many years, but I still sense a certain emotional detatchment.

I don't know whether these natural remedies will be strong enough to bring back the person that he was. He describes it as looking at everything through a fog. From speaking to other sufferers, you can't just rell them to snap out of it. To say that they are "wrapped up" in it makes it sound like an idulgence. It's not like someone who's pouting, who has a choice of whether to be nice or not. It's more like being overwhelmed and trapped by it. In fact they aren't even aware of "it"...unlike those of us on the outside who observe their behaviour.

(My husband just walked in as I was typing this and asked what i was doing...so I told him. For the first time I told him about this site and said i'd discovered it at the height of our problems and now still visited to discuss other peoples. oops. That was quite strange actually. He didn't read anything cos he's not nosey. Just said "that's nice" and walked out. I feel like i've been caught out. Stange.)

Anyway...to get back to my original question, how long has your H been like this and did he used to be quite a different type of person?
Jools. XX

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[scotlass]

For a long time he battles to stay in his job,he finds it difficult but has just gone on a 4 day week and this seems to help him He has a lot of issues from his own background .We had an arguement a few days ago,I just stopped talking as he wasnt listening.Silence went on for 3 days I tried to stopmit as I cant stand ling drawn out silences,Eventually he said he wanted clean clothes as he was leaving and would go and live in his car, he started crying and said he had faced rejection all his life and i was the only one who loved him and without that he would leave.I know he loves or need me, so does hios mum she knows what i am going through as the same happened to her but i think there was violence.He cant deal with confrontation and if his ways arent accepted then he gets angry when kids were little he could control them but they have minds of their own.I dont know where to go next!