Wife keeping a secret....

[WackySaddler]

My wife has been going on forums for sometime now and she is being very secretive about it. When I come and sit next to her she starts to close down the pages so I cant see.

We then started having a bust up about it 'cos it was taken up alot of her time and not give me or her kids any of her time.

It started as just the forum then she got into a chat room and now she is swoping her msn email address. This was meant to help her depression... it might be but I wanted to help her with things but she shuts me out now.

I cant see these emails. I know 1 is a woman and 1 is a bloke (who she says is a puff). how the h3ll do we know?

This is hurting me as I have been shut out big time and cant cope with it.

[Kate]

Dear Wackysaddler

The internet can become a form of escapism. It doesn’t seem real and there is an anonymity which helps some people escape from their problems and build unreal relationships with others. There are some resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/) about this



The issue I hear through your words is one of trust. is it possible to share with your wife that you feel lonely and shut out and anxious about what is going, that her behaviour affects you deeply. Perhaps you could also get her to tell you what it is about this activity on the internet which she finds helpful. Try and help her to articulate why she is doing it. Ask her to help you understand.


Is your wife getting treatment for her depression. Have you taken advice on how to support her (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/illness/). People with depression need to be cared for in a particular way. If you can get the focus of her support back onto yourself and health professions, then hopefully she will not feel the need to talk on MSN with other people.

All the best

Kate

[WackySaddler]

Thankyou for your reply.

I noticed an artical on one of thelinks - "Online Affairs"

This is how I have been telling my wife will happen even before I had read it and now I can see it happening.

She talks to men and women, the women seemed to be helping her depression but what she talks to the men about is totally different.

Some things have been of a sexual nature and infact she never really talks to me like that or about those things she did say.

Before I saw these things I did not have a problem with her going on the forums then I saw these messages and it all kicked off.

From then on she got herself on to the chat rooms and then sorted her hotmail email address.

It seems to be a weekly thing now where we have arguements about it.

No I don't want her to give it all up as some of the women have been very strong support for her, but its the male company she keeps on it.

Yes I might be jealous and not trusting her but when she has totally blocked me out of that part of her life it hurts. I thought we could sort problems or try and sort problems out together but now I cant talk to her about this because she gets her back up.

She has had depression for about 8-9 years and has hit rock bottom last year when she found out about her mum being ill.

She has had to go back on to medication and now she has gone to the doctor asking to see a councillor. The thing here is that I have always wanted her to go back to a councillor but has ignored my "plea" but someone on the forum suggested it and now she will. OK it's good that she would consider it but why couldn't shelisten to me.

Am I just too jealous not trusting and just smothering her???

I feel like I am actually pushing her away to these people on the forum and that I am going to lose her!

[angewink]

People are living their busy life with jobs, daily errands, and etc. and are not paying attention to their relationships. Although, one day they suddenly discover that they have lived life in complete different way they dreamed and really wanted or something happened in their life, which influenced on such view. Internet is a great source of all help, info, and advices. People are able to say things, which they kept just for themselves or even were afraid to admit their dreams and desires.

I think problem lays much deeper in relationships with your wife. The revision of relationships and possible prediction of problems from your sides might help you to find solution and ways to get her to you, include you in her real world, a person who is around, and ready to be with her. This is what I assume she is doing. Asking and speaking with both males and females. She gets opinions, support, and opposite views. People are not wiling to go to counselor due to different reasons, but when they see that helped someone - they start consider this service.
The other thing is that your wife probably prefers to speak to people who do not know her and in same time, she protects you and herself from gossiping. Other people like to spread “news” and give sometime advices, which will not be a help for you or her or your children, if they are present.

I think, she in the process of finding and discovering herself again. If your marriage is not dissolved yet, find patience and look over all issues you think might involved and got her in depression. I always start from myself and than I look for spouse side. Just be true to yourself and keep trying to reach agreement and understanding through patience and diplomacy. People can easy can hurt each one; instead, we need to hear us and them to find a solution. “Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous, conceited, or proud, love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable, love does not keep records of wrongs, love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up, love is eternal”.

I wish you luck and courage.