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Mr. Confused
22nd September 2005, 10:09 PM
Hi. First-time poster here. I am a 31-year-old father of two who has been married for seven years. Over the past few months, I found myself having very strong feelings for a 19-year-old college undergrad who attends our church. I have already told my wife about this, and we're getting some counseling now. The problem is I cannot stop thinking about this girl. She's beautiful, smart, great with my kids, and a Christian to boot. I know what I have to do, but every time I'm around her I just get swept away. I'm almost positive she has no interest in me whatsoever, beyond normal friendship. I guess I just need some advice about how to move on. Thanks.

Liz
23rd September 2005, 03:33 PM
Hi there. Well done for seeking help. It's always difficult to know whether to admit to these attractions or not, but by laying it out in the open you are holding yourself accountable. I hope your wife will have the grace to come through any hurt she has experienced by what you have shared.

It’s not unusual for people to find others interesting or attractive I have been there myself. It can be very disconcerting, but we are often responding to something special in them. God wants us to have healthy relationships with others around us, but sometimes we have to work at ensuring that the relationship is kept at the right level that doesn't affect our marriage. Avoiding time alone together with that person is also wise.

In our marriage, we have found that by admitting to an attraction in the early stages, while affirming our love and commitment to each other, and asking each other for help we have kept things open and trusting between us. The attraction is never allowed to develop in the wrong way. For a time I might be aware of the continuing feelings, but it made me more determined to focus on my husband and how special he was and to ask God for help. I have found that when I respond to temptations by drawing closer to God, they seem to lose their power. There is definitely a battle in the mind to keep your thoughts on what is right which you will eventually win.

You've got a wanderful wife and family, put your heart and soul into loving them and you will find things settle down again.

Liz

Mr. Confused
27th September 2005, 10:57 PM
Thank you for your encouraging words, Liz. I have made it a point to not spend time alone with this person, but I am in situations where I have to be around her. The worst part is, like I said before, I just can't seem to put her out of my mind. It is good to know, though, that someone else struggles with this, too.

jools
27th September 2005, 11:32 PM
Mr Confused,
You say that it's good to know that someone else struggles with this too. Of course they do. Millions of people, every day. It's called infatuation (NOT love). Most people throughout their lives will encounter people that stir such emotions in them, but most people recognise it for what it is and are content to restrict it to the level of unrequited infatuation...i.e. fantasy! That's all this is. So stop letting it take over your life. You know it's going no where. Resist and it will pass.
Jools. :cool:
________
Lovely Wendie99 (http://www.lovelywendie99.com/)

Mr. Confused
29th September 2005, 10:06 PM
Definitely no offense to the women, because they've both offered excellent advice, but are there any men on here who could speak to this problem? I really realized today that part of the problem is it's almost become a competitive thing, like I can't understand why this person wouldn't like me as much as I like them. I'm doing my darndest to focus my thoughts of my wife during the day, but it's like a thorn in my side.

By the way, thanks again to the ladies...

jools
29th September 2005, 11:22 PM
Sorry Mr Confused,
But it's one of those ladies again. Why can't you understand why she doesn't "like" you as much as you like her? There's no mystery. She's a 19 year old girl and you're 31...and married! I could throw in the bit about being beautiful and smart, but the age gap is probably enough. PLUS you're married. PLUS she's a God fearing girl and would hopefully run a mile if a married man made moves on her. Where's the mystery? She probably doesn't even look at you in the way that you look at her (you admitted that yourself). When I was 19, 31 year olds seemed only marginally younger than my dad! There's no mystery and I doubt whether a man would give a different interpretation of the situation. Just accept that you're infatuated with her and she doesn't fancy you. What's this "competitive" thing? Sounds like a case of dented male ego. Get over it!
Jools.
________
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gdyngreg
26th March 2006, 03:10 PM
Mr confused I have to be honest with you. I had the same thing happen to me once. I like you was infatuated with a woman. I ended up quiting my job. I believed at the time it was the only answer to my weakness. Believe you me; she knows you like her also. We men are not as sudtle as we believe. Ask any woman. Ask your wife. We as men are naturally attracted to the opposit sex. Thank God or their would be no more people on the earth. God input that into our makeup. So seeing a beutiful woman and apreciateing her beauty does not make us monstors. However you do not have to try and be around her. I think Jools may have a good point (brutely honest as she is)! We all need that by the way.
As a Christian married man. Who loves God. Take what ever neccesary steps you have to. Move on from this thing. It will affect your life with your wonderful wife. If you have to have contact with her (which I am not sure why you would) force yourself to think on something else. Find a scripture to repaet in your mind when you are around her. Pray every minuet you are with her. Do not stike up a friendship with her, no personal questions and for God's sake do not touch her even in the slightest non chalant way, nothing. Keep it all business and this thing will pass. You are a grown man. You are a deciple of Christ. You can fight this. Anything else would be wrong. She is not to blame in this either. Treat her with the respect due her as a fellow air of life. Hope I wasn't to hard on you. Buck up buddy.
God Bless