View Full Version : 18 month affair - help
30th August 2005, 11:31 PM
Sorry if this rambles.Its all very fresh - just found out about 7 days ago.
New to this - unfortunately.Just found out my longterm partner of five years has been having an affair for the last 18 months.To make matters worse ( if they can be) he s been having an affair with another guy who has a longterm girlfirend of 3 years.
I am a female surgeon - my ex boyfreind is a paramedic.This guy is an anesthesiologist - fortunately in another hospital BUT i am sure our paths will cross professionally.
We are both in our mid 30 s and have no kids.We bought a house together 12 months ago and i recently on his request cancelled a 3 year PhD scholarship at a prestigious university as i didn t want to leave him for that long and he begged me not to , prompting me to tell my supervisor that I didn t want to take up the transfer and could i do something local - that will lead to a similar qualification but with much less status - my main motivation for this was to be with him and our so called life we had here.
I am numb - don t know what to do. I confronted this guy in his house.I only found this out last wed on holiday when i found a text message with ( I miss you pet) - confrontation and was told it was a 3 month thing - demanded to come home and then was told it had been 18 - 20 months and it started when i went on a course 4 work. Initially it was purely sexual and now this guy is in love with him and my ex says he has "feelings" for him too. He had a spare cell phone he hid in the cupboard in OUR house - thats how they kept in contact.Its driving me insane. This guy told his gf yesterday apparently who has dumped him - to make matters worse he had actually planned to get engaged to the poor girl. There was also the question of an STD - I forced the rat to tell her for her sake - as she was at risk of infertility. I am typing this and can t believe its my life - it so damn surreal i feel like im floating.
I have asked him to move home to give me space - there are so many issues.
He let me commit financially to him with the house and all and also by cancelling with the research away.Its one mess.
Do you know what the most stupid thing is - despite all this I still love him - I truly do - what sorta walkover fool am I?:( I hate being alone and am driving myself mad - still on vacation leave and could n t work at the minute even if i wanted to.
31st August 2005, 05:52 AM
First of all you must protect yourself. Love or no love this guy has shown you where you stand with him. Your first priorities are to separate yourself financially and work on your career. Perhaps you can uncoil that too.
Separate separate separate. Once you are back in positive control of the finances and your career you will be able to deal with this idiot from a perspective of power.
A paramedic vs. a doctor - remember, he will not be able to sustain the fight long.
Sorry this happened, but strike while you are angry. Initial emotions are usually the most pure and lead you in the best direction. Don't second guess your anger. He is WRONG for this.
31st August 2005, 01:46 PM
Sierra is right, it might not feel like it now as its all so new and raw. Your ex is obviously very confused right now and for your own sanity you need to be away from this.
Think in terms of little steps, start as Sierra sugested with finances and then work on from there. Put yourself first, you need to heal and if that means taking sickleave then do it, if you dont you risk your longterm health both physically and mentally.
The way you feel is understandable, you cant just switch of the feelings you have built up over the past 5 years, just deal with them as each day comes.Use this forum to help.
31st August 2005, 01:52 PM
I agree with the following. Seperate fiancial ties. On the internet there are legal forms that protect from the house buying profits, etc. Decide now who will keep what and pay him for his portions, that way you are not at a loss later. Still being in love is perfectly understandable as you don't just forget about the partner you chose from one session to the next. Get counseling and get that PhD. I wish you luck.
1st September 2005, 11:37 AM
I know what you are all saying above. This is one mess - he s just off the phone to say that he doesn t know what he wants and that he loves both me and this guy. I cant understand that - but suppose i have to in a strange way. He says he will move back to his parents while he works out what he wants or that perhaps we could make a go of it if I help him get over his feelings for this other guy - i don t know what to do. I don t want to ever think - what if?? 5 months down the line and i don t give him a chance.I know you are all screaming he doesn t deserve a chance - i know that deep\down but i love him at th end of the day.
1st September 2005, 02:39 PM
Just wondering, how would you feel if this was another woman rather than a man? Does the fact that it is a man make you rationalise things differently in your head?
1st September 2005, 03:27 PM
Perhaps I am a bit dumb, but I had to read this several times to understand what's going on. Your partner is bi-sexual or gay. How can you possibly believe this relationship can continue in any way whatsoever on a sexual level. You are a Doctor for goodness sake. You must be as aware as any of us, if not more so, of the dire health risks involved. If you did get back together, how could you ever be confident that he isn't carrying on a gay relationship behind your back. Do you want HIV/Aids or what? Because that is what you are exposing yourself to. I am sure you must be heartbroken at this betrayal which is worse than a betrayal with another woman because of the risks involved. You need to move on. I am truly sorry for your pain, but what other alternative do you have?
1st September 2005, 09:54 PM
Yeah of course i realise re the gay / bisexual thing - he tells me he is bisexual - a grey area - i know but you can t pigeon hole a persons sexuality - its too complex to do that.Unfortunate but a psychological fact Im afraid.
Do I rationalise it differently because its a guy - no i don t ; its the deceipt and infective destruction he has introduced to our relationship that i find the toughest to deal with.he met me today to say that he wanted us back and that he had told the other guy it was over.I actually met with the other party to say that if my ex told him he wanted us that he should respect that and leave us alone to sort this mess out if at all we could.I know Im just scared of being alone and being weak but I really thought ? think i know this guy and despite everything i forgive him - i really do.
I am sure you are all screaming at the screen - i sure would be.
1st September 2005, 10:13 PM
You are in this situation, you have to do what you feel is right for you! The reality is that, whatever hes done, you love this guy and are willing to give him a second chance. I hope he realises how lucky he is! But i think you will both have to sit down, cards on the table, to decide how you are going to take this forward. Be very open and honest with how you are both feeling, he must still be very confused about his emotions and feelings, you have to remember that and protect yourself.
2nd September 2005, 12:23 AM
I know Debs i have to protect myself - i so realise that - its a lot to do with not wanting to be alone but even as i type that i realise that is stupid - no matter how much i though i knew that guy i didn t really know him or else he wouldnt have done what he did - i suppose i need a big reality check - i love him but do i really know him?\- probably not .Over the last year emotionally and physically our relationship has been tough and now i see why - worse thing is he let me think it was my fault and i was so frustrated with everything my self worth was zero.
My sister tells me that the first step is to get some damn self respect - she is so much tougher than i will ever be. I am a doctor - in a tough job and i am used to making life or death decisions and i suppose my coping mechanism is a sense of detachment or else it would destroy you- i have never been outta control of any situation in my entire life and hence i have never learnt any coping strategies for this sorta mess - therefore i am outta my control which is driving me mad.
I know tough people say - get over it and time will heal etc but it doesnt help the NOW does it??
2nd September 2005, 02:06 AM
Up to you. I just despair really.
2nd September 2005, 01:04 PM
Up to you. I just despair really.QUOTE=poppy]I understand poppy why you say this ; of course i do.Just not easy to actually decide yourself its actually over - i just can t switch off my feelings 4 the guy ; no matter what he s done .I think that the hardest thing - we are so tied - same house ; friends ; gym ; life.:(
2nd September 2005, 01:36 PM
Matt - I didn't mean to sound so harsh on you. It's just that I think nampy-pampy words are not really what you need at the moment. What a terrible thing to find out and how shattered you are by it all. All those dreams you had, your life you thought clearly mapped out, a happy future. So don't think I don't feel for you, because I really do. But this is not a normal 'breakdown' or even normal infidelity. It's a double deceit and I can see only more heartbreak for you if you try to stay in this relationship or try to rekindle what was. Because 'what was' sadly isn't even what you thought it was.
I do believe that homosexuality if not something a person can set aside and carry on as though it's not part of their being, and sooner or later, it would be very rare if it didn't get the upper hand of their character and desires. Which is why I say you are at such risk, not only physically but mentally. I do hope you manage to sort something out. You have a long way to go and I do wish you the very best. If you want to, let us know how you are getting on. Sometimes it's good to come on here and just let off steam. And it's helps too to just write it all down in safe territory. Take good care of YOU. Hugs.
2nd September 2005, 02:31 PM
There are some resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/homos/) which might help you to work through the shock and confusion.
All the best
4th September 2005, 05:58 PM
Hi i hope you can move on with your life slowly but surely, and make sure you come out on top.
10th September 2005, 11:04 PM
Just wondering how things were going for you at the moment? Hope all is well and you are doing what you feel is right for you.
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