KelI
26th August 2005, 02:09 PM
I am so miserable and I am not sure what to do. I've been married 20 years to a man that I've never really loved or been physically attracted to. I knew I didn't love him and tried to break up with him when we were just bf/gf, but he begged me not to, and I let him talk me into staying with him. Then months later, he asked me to marry him, I said yes thinking that I'd get out of it sometime... I just am one of those people who have a hard time hurting someone's feelings, and didn't want to do that. We set our wedding date, and the night before my wedding I remember sitting there thinking, "WHAT am I doing? I don't love him, I don't even like being with him all that much." But, I had just found out I was pregnant, plus my parents had spent all that $$ on the wedding. So, I went through w/ it.
A few years into our marriage I became a Christian and my husband soon followed. Things were better. Although I still wasn't physically attracted to him, he was becoming a good Christian man which was emotionally attractive. I came to respect him and thanked God for him, and yes, I think I even started to love him.
However, the last several years, my husband has been drifting away from God. He has started cussing, he has started watching TV shows that aren't appropriate, he doesn't even try to control his tongue and embarrasses me around Christian friends w/ things that he says. He has a terrible temper and yells at me at the drop of a hat. He doesn't say he is sorry when he hurts my feelings and is nasty to me. He says he has had a "mid-life crisis" which has caused him to become a grumpy old fart, to put it bluntly. He went on a business trip and came home w/ a tattoo... without even asking how I felt about it beforehand. And, to top it all off, he has gained a lot of weight and doesn't even try to keep from gaining more. This is tough, when I wasn't even physically attracted to him to begin with.... I try to keep myself in shape and am at the ideal weight for my height... but not w/out working at it. Why doesn't he do the same? My husband travels a lot, and I really enjoy it when he is gone. It is so nice to be at home, relaxing, not getting yelled at, having a content atmosphere in my home. One of my kids even mentioned that they missed dad, but admitted that it felt like the pressure was off when he is gone.
To give you an example of what kind of things he does to me... one day he was taking the whole family out to dinner and movie. I was wearing some new fingernail polish that he didn't like. My dd also had put it on. He started yelling at me and told me that he wasn't taking me anywhere as long as I had that finger nail polish on. And for that matter, as long as my daughter was wearing it, too. I was angry, but did remove it from my nails and then asked my daughter to, because I didn't want the kids to have the fun evening taken away from them because of my nail polish. Another example... we are at the end of a pay period now (we typically live paycheck to paycheck) and so the pantry was nearly bare. I had enough $$ to get a couple of chickens and made those for dinner... then looked in the freezer for side dishes and found frozen blueberries, so I made homemade blueberry muffins, sliced up some home grown tomatoes and fried some okra. He starts asking me if I have any potatoes when I start putting the meal on the table. He knew there were no potatoes, the food was right in front of him, he was just being a jerk. I said, "no, but there are two chickens, homemade muffins, homegrown tomatoes and fried okra." He said, "what about a vegetable?" (as if there were none?) So, I went to the pantry, pulled out a can of peas and said, "If you want another vegetable, you can heat these up." He did, then started yelling at me about coming home from working all day and then having to make his own vegetable. I thought that I was doing wonderfully by basically making a nice dinner in spite of having a bare pantry... instead of appreciation, I get condemnation.
My friends will say things like, "Kelli I cannot figure out why you and Doug got married, you are so different." When talking to one friend about some health problems I've been having I said that I had a high tolerance for pain and my friend said, "Yes, you are very strong. After all, you are married to Doug." I defend him when people say these things, because it seems the right thing to do.... I tell them about his good qualities. But, it just shows you that it isn't just my perception.
I'm so sick of this. I really, really hate being in this marriage. I really, really want out. But, I am a Christian and know God hates divorce. But, does he really want me to live in this way? I LIVE for his business trips. I love it when he is gone. I dread it when he comes back, because normally he begins yelling at someone the first few hours that he is home. When he is gone, my home is peaceful and happy. When he returns we are all walking on egg shells.
Am I terrible to feel this way? What can I do? Any advice?
A few years into our marriage I became a Christian and my husband soon followed. Things were better. Although I still wasn't physically attracted to him, he was becoming a good Christian man which was emotionally attractive. I came to respect him and thanked God for him, and yes, I think I even started to love him.
However, the last several years, my husband has been drifting away from God. He has started cussing, he has started watching TV shows that aren't appropriate, he doesn't even try to control his tongue and embarrasses me around Christian friends w/ things that he says. He has a terrible temper and yells at me at the drop of a hat. He doesn't say he is sorry when he hurts my feelings and is nasty to me. He says he has had a "mid-life crisis" which has caused him to become a grumpy old fart, to put it bluntly. He went on a business trip and came home w/ a tattoo... without even asking how I felt about it beforehand. And, to top it all off, he has gained a lot of weight and doesn't even try to keep from gaining more. This is tough, when I wasn't even physically attracted to him to begin with.... I try to keep myself in shape and am at the ideal weight for my height... but not w/out working at it. Why doesn't he do the same? My husband travels a lot, and I really enjoy it when he is gone. It is so nice to be at home, relaxing, not getting yelled at, having a content atmosphere in my home. One of my kids even mentioned that they missed dad, but admitted that it felt like the pressure was off when he is gone.
To give you an example of what kind of things he does to me... one day he was taking the whole family out to dinner and movie. I was wearing some new fingernail polish that he didn't like. My dd also had put it on. He started yelling at me and told me that he wasn't taking me anywhere as long as I had that finger nail polish on. And for that matter, as long as my daughter was wearing it, too. I was angry, but did remove it from my nails and then asked my daughter to, because I didn't want the kids to have the fun evening taken away from them because of my nail polish. Another example... we are at the end of a pay period now (we typically live paycheck to paycheck) and so the pantry was nearly bare. I had enough $$ to get a couple of chickens and made those for dinner... then looked in the freezer for side dishes and found frozen blueberries, so I made homemade blueberry muffins, sliced up some home grown tomatoes and fried some okra. He starts asking me if I have any potatoes when I start putting the meal on the table. He knew there were no potatoes, the food was right in front of him, he was just being a jerk. I said, "no, but there are two chickens, homemade muffins, homegrown tomatoes and fried okra." He said, "what about a vegetable?" (as if there were none?) So, I went to the pantry, pulled out a can of peas and said, "If you want another vegetable, you can heat these up." He did, then started yelling at me about coming home from working all day and then having to make his own vegetable. I thought that I was doing wonderfully by basically making a nice dinner in spite of having a bare pantry... instead of appreciation, I get condemnation.
My friends will say things like, "Kelli I cannot figure out why you and Doug got married, you are so different." When talking to one friend about some health problems I've been having I said that I had a high tolerance for pain and my friend said, "Yes, you are very strong. After all, you are married to Doug." I defend him when people say these things, because it seems the right thing to do.... I tell them about his good qualities. But, it just shows you that it isn't just my perception.
I'm so sick of this. I really, really hate being in this marriage. I really, really want out. But, I am a Christian and know God hates divorce. But, does he really want me to live in this way? I LIVE for his business trips. I love it when he is gone. I dread it when he comes back, because normally he begins yelling at someone the first few hours that he is home. When he is gone, my home is peaceful and happy. When he returns we are all walking on egg shells.
Am I terrible to feel this way? What can I do? Any advice?