oops think I've messed up!

[poppie]

Hi, I've been married for 14years and have two lovely daughters. Me and my husband were very happy together for 13 and half of those years, definitley soul mates, same sense of humour, everything. We gave each other space I thought we were perfect, so did he. Then I suddenly I changed, I wanted more out of life I've always been self motivated and goal orientated, but got even more!! Everything he did annoyed and irritated me, even him breathing got on my nerves!! I picked on him and put him down, went out more on my own and basically thought I was better than him! I decided back in feb. of this year to tell him I wanted to seperate, he said he felt the same and moved in with his friend to give us some space, good idea eh? Well I saw this as an opportunity to get out and about more and do more of what I wanted, and basically ended up having a one night stand, (something I have never ever done in my life!!) my husband found out about this and was understandably upset and called me all the names under the sun. to cut a long story short he now says there is no chance of a reconcilliation at all, he has now found a girlfriend too. I am trying to get on with my life but desperately want to try again, we get along fine now and both look after our children equally and spend family time together as well, but i miss him so much and really want to try again. I have talked endlessly to him and apologised and asked him to go to counselling but he wont consider it. He admits he has slept around a bit since we split too, I only did the once and wont be doing that again!! Should I accept hes moved on or keep trying?:confused:

[Sierra]

Sounds to me like you got what you deserved. He has ralized that there other fish in the sea and does not need to put up with your crap. There are other women who will have him with whom he can build a relationship. I'm sure his self esteem is fine, he is enjoying himself and see's no need to keep you around.

You by yourself created this mess. I suggest you smile and live with it. Its time to grow up, accept the consequences of your actions and move on.

Enjoy!!

D

[poppie]

a bit harsh!! are you a man by any chance!!!

[Dave]

Poppie

Yes Sierra is male - and I'm afraid tact and diplomacy are not his forte!!

You two have certainly got yourselves to a point where re-building your marriage is going to be very tough. Ultimately it has to be a decision that both of you take, but in the meantime here are two practical suggestions.

Get hold of a copy of Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) by Michele Weiner-Davis and put some of the strategies into action - the book includes many tips on how to tackle things when only one of you wants to recover the marriage.
Think about whether the two of you would consider doing a weekend called Retrouvaille (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/retro/) - at present it's only available in Ireland, but will be starting in the UK next year.
Regards

Dave

[poppy]

Poppie - sadly sometimes the truth is harsh. It sounds like you completely rejected this guy and gave him a pretty hard time. Being rejected when you don't even understand why is so damaging. It must have shattered his self-esteem. It's hard to forgive and go back. It seems you now want what you can't have. I'm not criticising you for that, it's human nature. But perhaps you are seeing things through rose coloured specs, after all, what would be different about this guy now and perhaps if you got back together you could well up only wondering why you did. There must have been something sadly lacking in the relationship for you to behave the way you did. Perhaps you didn't change but were reacting to something within the relationship that either you didn't recognise or just didn't want to address. Your H seems to have moved on. I think you may have to do the same thing. You can't have back what you had. You can only build something new. But if H doesn't want to, I wouldn't hold out too much hope. Sorry.

[jools(2)]

Poppie,
I agree with Sierra and Poppy. The one thing that struck me when I first read your post was the total lack of any sort of emotion. You don't seem actually that sort of bothered and I suspect, as Popy said, that it's a case of wanting what you can't have...and as she said, that is indeed human nature. But I think you have to be fair to this man. He's got a new start and I don't think it would be very nice of you to get him back, just because you can. I suspect you're not really that bothered, so let him be. It would be really cruel to mess him about.
Jools.

[Sierra]

I think I hit that nail square on the head....harsh or not.

D

[Liz]

Well that's fine then.

No doubt you are pleased with yourself and all is well with the world?!!!!

[Dave]

Poppie

There seems to me to be one aspect of the responses by all except Liz that seems to being missed - you are married to this guy, and him to you. You made a set of solemn vows that come what may, you would stick together exclusively and for ever. OK, you have both messed up on that front, but there wasn't a clause about äs long as you don't "mess up" in the vows - it was unconditional.

What Poppy and Jools (and Sierra in his singularly blunt way) are advocating is based upon some aim of each of you doing what makes you feel happier (in some way or other).

The advice Liz gave says you made some promises, now honour your word, and here are some practical tools for both of you to try."Your marriage matters not only to you, but also to your kids, to your wider family, and to society at large.

Are you a woman who will stand by your word, accepting we all fail sometimes, or are you in the business of simply seeking feeling happy That's the real choice

Dave

[poppy]

Dave - very laudable. But what does Poppie do, arm-wrestle this guy back in to the relationship?

[Dave]

Poppy


See my post yesterday - I made two more practical suggestions than wrestling!!

Dave

[poppie]

Thank you all for your replies, I found them (all but one!!) very helpful, you are right when you said that there was something lacking in our relationship, this was on both sides not just me. We both agreed to separate I didn't walk out on him, he said he felt there was something missing too. I love him dearly but quite honestly feel that we have reached the end of the line, this is upsetting, we have been together 16years! I understand that I am probably wanting what I cant have but have come to the decision that I am going to move on and feel lucky that I have loved and been loved unconditionally for the last 16 years by a wonderful man and he by me. We are still friends and always hug and kiss when we meet and say goodbye. I regret the one night stand alot but acted on impulse as we all do at some point, as I said before I have never done that ever! Yes I felt like I messed up but having thought and thought about it, its better this happened now rather than regretting staying with a man I no longer found attractive in say another 10 years. We both have the chance to find love and hopefully stay good friends with each other. I would like to say I was feeling extremely low when I joined this site and posted my message and getting the reply from sierra made me even lower. I felt very depressed and that did not help, I wasn't looking for someone to say there there never mind, I wanted advice. Sierra watch what you say or you could drive someone over the edge with your cutting and vicious comments.
poppie

[Sierra]

Thats really what its all about isn't it.....

"...staying with a man I no longer found attractive in say another 10 years".

I mean its not like you made a committment. Its all about YOU and whether or not you are attracted. Talk about selfish. Out of that frame of mind sprang your affair. Remember, life is all about getting what you want. Its not enough that you were "loved unconditionally" by a "wonderful man" - you also felt that your marriage was worthwhile only while you found him attractive.

That is a sad sad statement about the condition of our society.

You say you hope you can "find love". You already found love but selfishly threw it away because apparently it no longer attracted you.

How incredibly self-centered. In case you are not aware, marriage is (supposed to be) more that a public acknowledgement that you are "attracted" to someone.

If saying that makes you feel "low" or you consider it a "cutting and vicious" comment that is too bad. Society should not condone the destruction of the building blocks of our society by self-centered people who feel that they are supposed to be attracted and excitingly engaged on a daily basis.

Love is a mental and emotional state, not a physical one. My love for my wife is based upon things that do not sag or wrinkle with age. By the time I am 80 I will be nothing of the man I am now but hopefully all that she is really attracted to will still be there - even if it needs a good ironing. I look at her with eyes that see something other than fleeting qualities of youth and beauty. If you can not see that this is what love truly is then you are a fool.

If hearing that pushes you "over the edge" then go ahead and jump. Your road of seeking what is "attractive" to you leads to a cold and lonely place. Enjoy it when you get there.

D

[andy]

Sierra - this is the type of love that everyone wants. You described it perfectly. I agree with your last response 100%.

[Sierra]

Thanks!! Most people here seem to hate me but I try to be honest.


D

[jools]

Quote from Poppie:
[I would like to say I was feeling extremely low when I joined this site and posted my message and getting the reply from sierra made me even lower. I felt very depressed and that did not help, I wasn't looking for someone to say there there never mind, I wanted advice. Sierra watch what you say or you could drive someone over the edge with your cutting and vicious comments.
poppie[/QUOTE]

Sierra, you keep missing the point. Look again at Poppie's final message. Her words are written from the heart. This isn't all about you and what other people think about you. This is about how each of us can help each other. You sometimes seem to take pleasure from deliberately hurting people under the guise of it being "the truth". Yes, truth is vital and truth can be painful BUT we do not have to deliver it in a way that is obviously designed to add even further pain. Which is what happens when you pepper your comments with insults. I noticed the sactimonious tone of your last but one posting. See, you can say things in a nice way when you try.
Jools
________
NEXIUM SETTLEMENT (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/nexium/)

[Sierra]

Look...

This woman is ruining or has ruined a perfectly good marriage (by her own account) for no other reason than that she feels in 10 years she might not be "attracted to him" anymore.

What do you say to a person like that? If the owners of this forum were worth their salt they would come down HARD on a person like that. Instead they berate me for being harsh. Ok, so I'm insulting. That woman is a FOOL. There, I said it again. The question is is it true?

THis forum is billed as ""the one place to come to shape, enrich, maintain or repair your marriage". I don't see anything there about reassuring people who freely admit that they are destroying theirs.

As soon as I depart from an "anything goes" mantra on reassurance and support people suggest I'm "all about me". You know, I have a list of faults a mile long. If this forum was "1-2-the-laundry" where husbands are counseled to pick up after themselves I would have little to bitch about. I am messy and will admit it. It would be a farce for me to criticize others. My wife is CLEARLY sent from god.

However....

Dave and Liz should be all over this gal if they really want to support marriage and not the wider group of "marriage whiners".

D