Dealing with what you cant change

[vdiesel]

Dear Others,
This Kind of Forum is new to me and I'm having trouble with writing this so I will do my best and hopefully I will not be told to "Get a grip" (how do you do that anyway?)
I have recently been married (2months) to somene I had only met last October... I love her more than anything and I know she feels the same.. When I met her marriage and commitment were not in my plans as I was happily single with no gaps in my life that needed to be filled.. I have been married before and we both have children. They all get on great and fortunately they all get on great so there are no "step-family" issues what so ever. In fact she is driving 2 hours to pick up my 2 little girls as Im writing this so they can spend the weekend with us.
Recently I became aware of some details of a fling she some time prior to meeting me and how it was spoken about (just the kind of stuff you dont wanna hear) .. I know a lot of guys have issues with thier girls past but I never thought it would be me. She says "let the past be the past and I'm with you now" I know she is right but it seems impossible to do sometimes. We have fought over this as we are both strong willed people with stubborn tempers. I know she has other ex partners (dont we all) and none of these even enter my head in this way.. I still love her and always will but right now I feel like I have lost some respect for her.. Trust is not an issue with us as I know she wouldnt be unfaithful and neither would I... I know she loves me and I rock her world.. there are no probs there.. But this thing still messes with my head and I dont want it to.. Some of the thoughts that play with me are like this..
"does sex mean so little to her that she would jump in the sack with someone for the sake of it?

"what is left for me/us if she can give it away so easily like that?"

... and so on..

Right now she is not well and intimacy for us is on hold for a couple of weeks and this is not an issue.. although prior to illness things had slowed down a little for us as day-to-day life seemed to take over.. In other words I was thinking she didnt want me as much as she once did and I wasnt ready for that.. In other words I now translate that to..

" she didnt think twice about jumpin in the sack with him... why wont she with me?"

These kind of thoughts and feelings of mine are hurting our relationship at the moment and I dont want it to get worse!! I want to put this behind us and move on but I dont want to discuss it any further with her.. already done that and we would just fight.. How do I deal??

I realise these thoughts and feelings are negative, destructive, unjustified, maybe even immature, some would say irrational or hypocritical.. but they are there and need to be dealt with.. I dont want to feel this way.. I'm disappointed with her and angry with myself.. Our life would be a lot better if we could get past this.. the next step is How??

Any advice would be appreciated..

[woodywasp]

I take it you love your Wife very much?

Trust me on this advice I am going to give you. How would you feel if your wife left you? Think just for a minute what you would do. You have got to let go of these negative thought you know yourself that these thoughts are having a negative effect on your relationship just imagine for a moment what you would do if she left and it would be you who has drove her away. We all have pasts we cannot change this as much as we might want to > Your Wife married you because she loved you and still does. What you are doing is creating a block between you and this is very damaging trust me I know. You must stop this at once otherwise you may well find yourself in the same position as me going through a divorce and wondering where it all went wrong. If your wife did not care about you why would she drive 2 hours to pick up your children? Has this occured to you? probably not.
You need to look at what attracted you to your wife in the first place surely it was more than just sex. You are such a lucky guy you have a wife who you say is unwell who puts herself out to go and pick up your children why did you not pick them up? What I mean to say is do not fall into the trap of taking your Mrs for granted Yes she has a past but so do you she married you if this other guy was so hot why did she not marry him. The first few months of marriage are always difficult. I wish someone had given me the advice I have just given you remember that accept your wife has a past and let go of it if you dont then you are heading into troubled waters like me and believe me it is the last thing you want. Dave

[vdiesel]

Thanks Dave,

Your reply and advice are very much appreciated.... To answer your questions- "What would I do if she left" well I guess its on the cards lately but I imagine I would be hurt, lonely, devastated and then I would move on in my stubbornness and accept it and come away more cynical and hardened than I was before... She gives in different ways, but she can be a cold, angry person at times and that is hard to deal with and the 'wall of ice' has been so far impenetrable. I suppose when you discover your own views on love/sex are vastly different from your partners it is hard to accept.. If we are to stay together I have realised I must change my own fundamental views and feelings on this and I dont know if I can. Yes I do Love her... I dont take her for granted and I give her everything she wants within my means. I believe you are right when you say I need to get rid of these negative thoughts but I am lost as to how I can do that... How do I disregard something which seems to affect me so much and how does one change fundamental feelings like the ones I spoke of???
Brendan

[woodywasp]

Hi Brendan,
The only way you can get people to change the way they are is by changing yourself first a good friend of mine told me that. I was in your position not very long ago in fact about 4 weeks ago. I am now going through the beginning of a Divorce which I dont really want. My Daughters to my previous marriage are very upset and I have a seven month old son that I have not seen now for several weeks. My Wife was cold , angry and put up a wall of ice . I realise now that if I had changed my approach on things maybe just maybe I could have made a difference.

I would give anything and I mean anything to be in the position you are in now you still can make a change. I can tell you from first hand experience that if your Wife left you would be hurt very much it is not nice been on your own suddenly having your family disapear, suddenly you realise just what your Wife actually did for you if you did not care what she thought then why would you login here looking for answers? of course you care. Trust me on this if you believe nothing else you hear this year you DO NOT want to be in the position I am in right now.
You have to change the way you react if it is so deep rooted then perhaps you need to sit down with your Wife and tell her be open , honest and tell her how you feel. If you cannot realistically get away from these destructive thoughts then perhaps you need to sit down and re evaluate your whole relationship . What attracted you to your Wife in the first place? Think of all the good times you have had. Do you really want to throw all that away I can tell you now that I would sell my soul to save my marriage and have what I had a few weeks back Please dont make the same mistakes I did. Talk to your Wife but most of all be willing to listen to her and accept criticism do not retaliate in any way no matter what she says
Best of Luck

Dave (Woodywasp)

[amir]

Diesel,

I believe you already know the answers to all your questions. They are all in your mind coz you are a logical person. But what you should be asking is... how the hell do i do it!!!

Your logic is unable to be applied & you just simply cant control the haunted graphics (may be even in technocolour) that goes into your brains. The triggers that made you have all those thoughts. I have been there too. In fact, still is struggling.

Im married to a wonderful person for the past 14 years or so. Known of her past even before our marriage. Everything was smooth sailing. Suddenly,.. BOOM! her past came revisiting and Ive been like a zomby for the past 6 months. And I tell you it aint easy. Even thoughts of suicides. And I wont know what Id be thinking of or feeling tomorrow. But im still trying my heart out tho it hurts so bad.

But the thing is that I love her so much. I cant see myself not being with her. Initially, the taughts of giving-up dwell in me but somehow I managed to get myself back to my senses....on and off.

All I can say to you is..... Good luck. And wish me the same too. Im hoping that time wld heal me.... & you. This is a rare sickness that no man or woman wld understand,... except God.

Love hurts but I wont want to do without it.

[lucy rose]

Diesel,

I have cheated on an ex partner (which i absolutly am not proud of!), but i could never do that to the man i am with now. He is my world and more to me. I would never want to risk loosing that. I have learnt from my mistakes.Just because your wife has cheated once on another man in the past, it doesnt mean she'll do it again. Have you never made a mistake in your life? Of corse you have, but it doesnt mean you'll do it again. Dont you think she's learnt from her mistakes?

Just because you are going through my a bad time sexualy DO NOT WORRY!!!! That happens to everyone! My partner and i have had our fair share of 'dry' moments, mainly because of me being totaly exhausted and just not in the mood. This does not mean im going off him or dont want to be with him. Its just what happens sometimes.

Love is the best and worst thing that will ever happen to you, but the best parts always over rule the worst parts.

You say trust is not an issue but it obviously is if you think like that.
I felt just like you when i first started going out with my partner i am with now (although he has never cheated in past relationships) I didnt trust him because I knew what i was capable, so I thought why wouldnt he be capable of it too? Have you ever cheated? I have learnt to trust myself and I trust him totaly now. Im afraid i cant really say how i did that. It just happens with time.

I am sorry for what i have done in the past but I have moved on, grown up and learnt so much from it. Maybe your wife has to. Stop dwelling on something which hasn't even happened. People take people they care about for granted too much. If your wife died right now wouldnt you kick your self right now for getting upset and angry with her about something she had never done to you when you could have been loving her and just getting on with and enjoying you life together.

good luck

lucy rose