Why? - how do you go on?

[Abo]

Not sure why I'm writing this and I've never been on a chat room in my life but I just felt I need somewhere to talk and perhaps to know I'm not the only one this happens to. My wife left me last week after 19 years of being together, 14 of those married, she has decided she doesn't love me and has found someone else. I didn't have a clue not a single clue that there was anything wrong let alone that she was having an affair. Maybe that was my problem but I was happy and in love, the children were happy and everyone around us thought we were happy. The 'perfect' family, or so we all though except my wife. I don't even know her now she has become so hard and shows no emotion at all, not even to our two young daughters. I've begged and pleaded with her to see sense and to see if we can put things right but she's not interested and dosen't even want to try for the girls sake. As you can imagine its a real struggle at the moment after everything you've worked for and believed in has just been wiped out by the one person you love and trusted the most. It seems now that all those years were a lie and the only good thing to come out of them are our daughters. My wife said at first that she would be prepared to let my daughters live with me provided she could see them as often as possible and of course I agreed to this. However, each day there seems to be more and more suggestion that she wants our daughters to live with her and I'm living in fear that she will go back on what she said. They're all I have now and I'm such a good father to them, which even my wife admits.

Just need any help, advice, guidance or words of wisdom that anyone can offer.

Thanks.

[roppelt]

go get a good lawyer to start with and protect you girls first, and then try and work on your wife. if you dont take this action now it wont matter a hill of beans what she told you Fathers will almost always loose in a court of law.

[sevenseas]

This is similar to what happened to me, my husband left me for another woman and became an uncaring, hurtful person overnight. But I knew he was treating me this way because he felt so guilty and angry at himself. I couldn't ride a rollercoaster so I told him I was moving on with my life, and I did.
Not long after he realized what he had done, left the other woman and asked to come back. We are just talking at this point and looking for a marriage counsellor.
I would say she is treating you & daughters in such a terrible way because of the way she feels about herself and what she has done.
Meanwhile, if you think there is no chance of her coming back then you should try to move on, whatever that takes...talk to trusted friends & family, counselling, etc.
and yes, definitely get a lawer.
I'm not sure if you are a spiritual man, however if you are, my faith has been such a huge help & relief to me. In fact I believe prayer is what led my husband back to me and helped me open my heart to the possibility of forgiveness.
Hope this helps.
Lisa

[Sierra]

This, my friends is a REAL problem. This is someone who deserves care, aupport and help.

I wouldn't worry about that whole "god" thing. Get a good lawyer and put a hurt on this butthole.

Strength and honor my friend.

D

[Abo]

Thanks for the advice. I'm seeing a lawyer this week and putting a brave face on as difficult as it is. Last night I tried a new approach, I stopped the pleading and reasoning and simply said to her that she should do whatever she felt she needed to do and whatever the outcome I would always be there for her. It certainly made her stop and think for a minute and just for a moment she seemed to let her gaurd down. I think this new approach might be more productive. I'm not overly optomistic that things will work out because at the moment she simply does not want that, but once she moves in to her own place then I think the reallity of what she's giving up will hit hard. I also learnt last night that the man she's seeing hasn't yet left or even told his wife and family .... now there's a surprise!

I'm not a spiritual man but my parents are and so I was brought up with it but kind of rejected it. It does however make me question my choices in life now.... perhaps it will make me look again?

Thanks,
Mark

[sevenseas]

Mark, whether you are a spiritual man or not, you need to take care of yourself and your daughters and "putting a hurt on this butthole" as Sierra so elegantly put it will not help, revenge will not help you in anyway. Yes, you will feel anger...I still feel it a lot. But there are healthy ways to deal with it. I found that as soon as I was able to let go of the resentment & anger (most of it anyway) I was able to be more calm and serene. I have come out a stronger person because of the way I conducted myself through all of this, and many have commented on how I did it with dignity and they are proud of me. Don't get me wrong, I had a lawyer within 2 days of finding out about him cheating on me but I promised myself I would be true to myself and not become someone I was not - a raving lunatic out to take him for all he's worth.
I feel a marriage break-up is something you have to deal with alone, on your own terms but the support of family & friends is something you should take full advantage of, for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, to help you get your mind off of things for awhile, etc. It all helps, little by little.
You sound like a good Dad, be proud of that.
Anyway, because this is a REAL problem ;-) I will pray for you.
Lisa

[Sierra]

I would adopt a very cold attitude towards her, tell her that her decisions have consequences and that you are preparing to visit those on her. I would help her understand that she is now a threat to your security (financial) and that you will protect yourself at her expense.

Then do it.

She is a traitor. Time to treat her like one.

D