Help!

[geor77]

Hi There,
I'm new to the site ,but thought that I might be able to get some good advice and words of wisdom from you guys
I'm 28 and my husband is 27 we have been married for nearly 5 years ( I know, that may not seem very long to some of you!) but honestly, recently, I'm beginning to feelas if it's a life sentence. For about the last year, all we seem to do is argue about everything, and never seem to spend any time together, that includes when we are both at home!
We have 3 year old twins who we both love dearly, but again, conflicts in their upbringing only cause more rows!
We have been away on a couple of holidays this year, 1 with the kids, 1 without, we came back from our child free holiday, feeling quite positive, but again within a fortnight the rows and blaming each other had started again.
I do love my husband 100 percent and want to make our relationship work, but it's beginning to affect me terribly, I love going out to work in the evenings, just to get away from the atmospheres that we create.
I must state that there is no one else involved, it is just ourselves that are slowly killing each other!
Anybody willing to offer an outside opinion and I would be extremely pleased, I have broached the subject of relate counciling, but he dosen't take me seriously!
Many Thanks
Georgie

[Ashamed]

Hi Georgie

I cannot give advice, seeing as I can't help myself all that much. Just hate seeing that nobody responded to your plea. What I have to say might offer food for thought though.

From what you've said, it sounds like you have a failure to communicate. Often times, rows are about everything but the real source of trouble. Everything you told us here, you should probably be saying to your husband. If you are afraid to tell him, then that speaks for itself.

I have found that personal fears are the worst enemies of any relationship. We tend to translate fears into more "reasonable" arguments to "try" and get the message across. Nothing beats straight talking from the heart. And yes, be prepared to face those fears. It takes courage, but courage is born from a caring heart. You clearly have courage on your side.

May wisdom guide you.

[Liz]

Hi there,

Having twins is really hard work. I've seen the pressure it's brought on friends. Life does get easier as they get older. In the meantime, you need to find ways to work together rather than against each other.

If your husband doesn't want to look at counselling then you could think about what is causing the friction - tiredness, different parenting approaches, strained communication, different ways of handling arguments. There is a lot you can do without resorting to counselling.

Try and book yourselves some regular time together. Get a babysitter and go out once a week just for you and your relationship. Make sure you're both getting as much rest as is possible in the circumstances.

Read some of the articles about communication and handling conflict here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) on the site.

Consider going on an enrichment weekend or course (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). There's nothing wrong with your marriage - you are just under a lot of pressure and you haven't had much time to get use to being married before the twins arrived. An enrichment weekend will give you some space and guidance to consider your communication and what you are aiming for in your marriage. It's not like counselling - no need to bear your soul to others!

If your husband is defensive about your suggestions, try telling him that he is really important to you and you want to invest some time and energy in him and your relationship rather than having everything revolving around the children.

Whatever you do don't just withdraw into your private world and become independent. This is the very time when you need to focus on your marriage.

All the best

Liz